Finding out that your spouse has cheated is never easy. But when you find out yourself and by accident, it may be even more hurtful. Research on infidelity shows that 21.5% of spouses catch their spouses cheating themselves. But few have probably found out the way this woman had to.
This lady opened a letter addressed to her husband and found a love letter from her husband’s girlfriend inside. When she confronted the guy, he denied everything. But, given that the couple was at the threshold of divorce, she didn’t believe him. So, she went online to ask for advice about whether she should file for divorce.
A woman opened a letter addressed to her husband and found a love letter from his girlfriend
Image credits: stefamerpik / freepik (not the actual photo)
After the shock wore off, she started wondering why the other woman would expose the affair
Image credits: Vitaly Gariev / unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Soccer-Mom-Era
What the husband is doing might be a form of “breadcrumbing”
At first glance, this husband’s behavior might seem hard to understand. Why would a person be one foot out of their marriage and still keep saying that they want to keep being married? Some might say that what the husband is doing is “breadcrumbing.”
Although more often used when talking about dating or new relationships, breadcrumbing is a form of manipulation in which one person in a relationship feeds another person snippets of attention while never fully committing – essentially, the relationship never goes anywhere.
A simpler explanation might be that breadcrumbing is stringing someone along. Cleveland Clinic’s Susan Albers, PsyD, explains that the breadcrumber says they want the relationship, but doesn’t commit. “Breadcrumbing is when you give an individual just enough morsels of attention to keep them interested or hooked into the relationship (or situationship), without any intention of really committing,” she says.
Sometimes, breadcrumbing can be unintentional. But those who do it on purpose often seek control, validation, or attention. As clinical psychologist Monica Vermani explained to CNN, that way, the breadcrumber gets all the fun parts of the relationship. “[Breadcrumbing keeps] someone from looking elsewhere for a more stable, reliable and real connection, and remain hopeful and focused on them,” Dr. Vermani said.
This husband’s intention to keep being married to the OP and considering himself single might be a form of breadcrumbing. He keeps her hopes up by saying he wants to work on the marriage while having a girlfriend and barely taking care of the kids and the household.
As one commenter observed, he wants to have his cake and eat it, too. “Of course he doesn’t want to officially divorce—he’s got it made! He has a wife at home taking care all of his responsibilities AND a girlfriend he barely has to hide,” u/DahliaDarling14 wrote. “All while you’re forced to watch him come & go, even if you try your best to not think about him whatsoever.”
An affair partner’s “attempt” at helping to leave the marriage often backfires
It’s pretty uncommon for a spouse to find out from the affair partner that their partner is cheating. More often, the cheaters are the ones who fess up. A 2022 study on infidelity revealed that 56% of cheaters confess on their own. 21% of spouses investigate and find out the truth themselves, and only 4.5% find out when a third party tells them.
That third party isn’t necessarily the affair partner, but they certainly do have reasons to speed up the breakup process. Infidelity coach Marie Murphy, Ph.D., writes that an affair partner urging or “helping” a person leave their spouse is completely understandable.
However, it’s not really that helpful. As evident from this story as well, an affair partner reaching out to the spouse only complicates things. Pressure to leave their spouse makes the cheating person feel loved, but also controlled.
Even if their advice is good, the cheater has to be the one to end the marriage, Murphy says. “It’s something that you essentially have to do alone. Your affair partner can support you throughout the process, but they can’t leave your marriage for you.”
The married couple was entangled in a shared business, making it hard for the wife to officially file for divorce
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