Normally, a pregnancy in the family is a time of joy, excitement and, of course, the day to day logistics of working out who is going to help when and how. But some folks think that it’s also an opportunity to start micromanaging. A woman asked the internet if she was wrong for telling her daughter-in-law that the universe doesn’t revolve around her just because she’s pregnant.
As it turned out, the DIL believed that she could suddenly tell people what they could and couldn’t eat, drink or even if they were allowed to have fun. We reached out to the MIL who made the post via private message and will update the article when she gets back to us.
Pregnant women do tend to have some specific preferences
Image credits: wavebreakmedia_micro (not the actual photo)
But one woman decided that she could start ordering her family around
Image credits: thelivephotos (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Newhomeprobs
Anxiety can make people start behavior irrationally
Pregnancy is beautiful, miraculous, and also turns some perfectly reasonable people into tiny dictators who believe the entire world should reorganize itself around their uterus. Before anyone gets upset, let’s be clear that growing a human being is legitimately hard work and pregnant women deserve support, accommodation, and probably more ice cream than is medically advisable. However, there’s a fine line between reasonable pregnancy needs and expecting your in-laws to run their household like a monastery because you can’t have wine for nine months.
Research shows that approximately 20 to 25 percent of pregnant women experience significant anxiety during pregnancy, which makes total sense considering they’re essentially hosting an alien life form that will eventually claw its way out of their body. The hormonal rollercoaster of pregnancy, with progesterone and estrogen doing the tango in ways that would make any mood stabilizer weep, can genuinely affect emotional regulation. Add fears about whether you’ll accidentally break the baby or forget it at the grocery store, and you’ve got a recipe for some truly creative anxiety responses. Sometimes that anxiety manifests as legitimate concerns about safe sleeping practices. Other times it manifests as telling your 23-year-old brother-in-law that he can’t have a beer on vacation because you’re pregnant, which is roughly equivalent to demanding everyone in the restaurant eat salad because you’re on a diet.
The thing about pregnancy anxiety is that it often seeks control in increasingly wider circles. When you can’t control the fact that your ankles have disappeared or that you cry at insurance commercials, you might start trying to control things that have absolutely nothing to do with your pregnancy. Suddenly you’re offering financial planning advice to people who’ve been managing money since before you were born, or suggesting that your siblings cancel their scuba diving plans because you can’t participate. It’s the anxiety equivalent of knocking over the whole board game when you’re losing.
There are still ways to help “Becky”
For expectant mothers feeling this way, the solution isn’t to demand that everyone tiptoe around your emotional state like you’re a sleeping dragon. The solution is recognizing when you’ve crossed from “I need accommodations” into “I’ve become the pregnancy police and nobody signed up for this.” Speaking with a healthcare provider about prenatal anxiety is essential because cognitive behavioral therapy works remarkably well for pregnancy-related worries. Support groups with other pregnant women can provide perspective, especially when you hear yourself say out loud that you think your mother-in-law should ban parties from her own vacation home and realize how that sounds. Mindfulness techniques, honest conversations with your partner about specific fears, and maybe acknowledging that other people still get to have lives are all healthier coping strategies than attempting to micromanage every human within a fifty-foot radius.
Meanwhile, family members dealing with a pregnant loved one who’s gone a bit overboard need to practice what experts call “compassionate boundary-setting,” which is basically saying “I love you but absolutely not” in the nicest way possible. Yes, make the special chicken instead of cold cuts. Sure, give her the bedroom that requires fewer stairs. But when she starts commenting on the wine other people are drinking or suggesting that next year’s family vacation should be alcohol-free because she’ll have a baby, it’s time for some gentle reality checks. Other family members didn’t get pregnant, shouldn’t have to pretend they did, and are allowed to enjoy activities even if someone else currently cannot.
The communication sweet spot involves validating feelings without validating unreasonable demands. When a pregnant woman says she feels left out of vacation activities, the response shouldn’t be “fine, nobody gets to have fun then.” It should be “I understand that’s frustrating, and we’d love to include you in the things you can do, but Tim and Cassie still get to go scuba diving and have friends over.” This is called being supportive without being a doormat, a skill that will serve everyone well when the baby arrives and sleep deprivation makes everyone slightly insane.
The truth is that pregnancy doesn’t grant anyone the authority to reshape reality according to their preferences. It grants them the right to pee seventeen times per hour, complain about swollen feet, and receive sympathy when they can’t see their own toes. It does not grant them control over other people’s vacation plans, drinking habits, or life choices. Learning this distinction before the baby arrives is actually excellent practice for parenting, where you’ll discover that the world continues spinning regardless of your child’s naptime preferences.
Some readers needed more details
Most thought the MIL was being reasonable
Some thought everyone could have been more forthcoming
Others thought no one was actually a jerk
[YTA]
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