Should I stay or should I go? It’s a question many might ask themselves if their spouse has an affair. Studies have found that around 60%-75% of partners do reconcile after infidelity, but not all of these relationships last.
One woman was devastated when she found out her husband of 10 years had cheated on her. The couple started therapy and her husband has taken full responsibility for the affair. Their therapist has set a rule that neither can take the moral high ground for the next 3 months, and they each need to own their parts. But the woman says this is unfair because he’s the one in the wrong. Netizens have given her a harsh reality check.
They’re trying to make it work after he had an affair, and have started couples therapy
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But they’re now stuck after their therapist told them neither is allowed to take the moral high ground
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
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“So, your partner’s relationship exit was an affair, what was yours?”: an expert’s POV
Image credits: Getty Images / unsplash (not the actual photo)
A whopping 40% of marriages experience infidelity. That’s almost half… And those are only the people who admit to cheating, so the figure is probably higher. The findings come from 25 years of research by a psychiatrist called Dr. Scott Haltzman.
On a more positive note, Haltzman reveals in his book “The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity” that more than half of American marriages survive an affair. But doing so involves hard work from both partners, and ideally a good amount of therapy.
Shan Merchant is a relationship coach and couples therapist who has seen many couples go from the brink of divorce to “peaceful, reconnected, and unafraid of conflict in 90 days or less.” She says she’s seen a pattern in the clients whose marriages have survived affairs versus the ones who ended up splitting.
“The couples in my therapy practice who work through the affair are willing to delve into every facet of their relationship before the affair unfolded,” reveals the expert. “They commit their energy to the crucial stages of understanding and exploration.”
She adds that these couples also don’t perpetuate conflicts, assign blame, or inflict shame upon one another. “They put their weapons and defences down,” she says.
Merchant says couples who survive infidelity are also prepared to “listen patiently again and again to the answers to these questions: How did we get here? What was missing?”
In her experience, the therapist says those who refuse to do the above things inevitably find themselves on a path to emotional exhaustion, hopelessness, and ultimately, failure.
Merchant stresses that affairs don’t just happen out of the blue. “While it’s clear that the unfaithful partner is responsible for causing the most damaging rupture to the relationship, in 99% of cases I find that both partners have contributed 50:50 to the conditions that created the affair,” she reveals. “You must uncover and own your contribution. We do this in pursuit of growth and to accelerate your recovery from the affair.”
According to Merchant, infidelity is only one ‘relationship exit,’ which is basically an escape hatch we use when our relationship becomes challenging and we don’t want to confront the issues head-on. Other exits include working long hours, spending too much time on our phones, and prioritizing children, family, or friends over the relationship.
The expert says we take these exits to avoid conflict, intimacy, and vulnerability. “In working through your affair, you must identify all your exits,” she advises. “So, your partner’s relationship [exit] was an affair, what was yours?”
Merchant says both partners need to be able to take responsibility for their roles in the lead-up to the affair, and must work together towards rebuilding trust.
“With patience, understanding, and repeated evidence of renewed commitment from both partners, couples can make it through infidelity and come out stronger than ever before,” she adds.
Many people agreed that the therapist gave great advice, and some felt the marriage was over
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