One liners are one of the best forms of comedy. I wanna here yours!
#1
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
#2
Welcome back to plastic surgery addicts anonymous. I’m seeing a lot of new faces, and let me just say I am very disappointed in all of you.
#3
A dung beetle walks into a bar and asks, ‘Is this stool taken?’
#4
I don’t respect you enough to care about your opinion of me.
#5
Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.
#6
i got arrested for downloading the whole wikipedia, i told them i could explain everything
#7
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
#8
If your brains were tnt, you wouldn’t have enough to blow your nose.
#9
I always loved one from the TV Series Castle. “This guy’s dropped more pills than a three-fingered pharmacist.”
#10
My friend said the onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.????????????
#11
Everything is better in moderation, even moderation.
#12
A theatrical performance about puns is a play on words
#13
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
#14
I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in Roman numerals.
I M LIVID
#15
If brains were elastic, you would not have enough to make garters for a sparrow.
#16
“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.” (Tim Vine)
#17
When somebody tells me to have a nice day, I respond “That’s the plan!”
#18
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
#19
Go brush your tooth…
#20
I’m here to chew bubblegum and [do whatever I’m going to do], and I’m all out of bubblegum
#21
Sometimes “all that glitters is gold” is really tinsel in a pile of dog cr@p.
#22
They were handing out brains, they thought they said grains and said no thank you.
#23
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
#24
….and a man accused of hiding himself under a layer of iron oxide has been placed under a rust.
#25
I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what she laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
#26
hey girl, you don’t just look good, you look lesBIEN (Im a lesbian,its not supposed to be mean)
#27
“Do you know What?”
“No, but Who is a good friend of mine.”
#28
A man accused of hiding himself inside a giant trifle is being held in custard.
#29
Before using the toilet, know exactly where the tie to your bathrobe is.
#30
I dreamed I ate a five-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up my pillow was gone.
#31
Jesus walks into a motel, puts three nails on the counter, and says “Can you put me up for the night?”
#32
I shot an arrow a low hanging clouds, mist.
#33
My circus, my monkeys. Stay outta my business.
#34
From a book I read, can’t remember which one
He is one ‘et’ away from being an asset
#35
A lady I work with kept complaining about how she always had a bad day when everyone else was having a good day. She said she was stuck in Murphy’s law.
I asked her if she knew what Cole’s law was. She didn’t. My response, “it’s lightly sauced cabbage.”
Everyone started screaming.
#36
“Don’t be lasagna”- 12th doctor (Doctor Who)
#37
What did the hat say to the tie? “You hang around, I’ll go on ahead.”
#38
Your incompetence is beginning to grow taxing…(I stole this from Underworld and have found it quite useful)
#39
I don’t have a dog in this hunt.
#40
When I’m so tired that I’m on auto pilot… The wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead.
#41
SOME PERSON: Do you want some corona?
ANOTHER PERSON: *achoo* I already have some!!
#42
What has got two legs and bleeds a lot?
Half a dog.
#43
If you gotta d**k, you ain’t a chick
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