Family gatherings can be tense, especially when multiple major life events happen at the same time, and everyone wants to share their experiences.
During c0vid, Reddit user RA199299 was diagnosed with stage 2 breast cancer. Wanting to lean on her loved ones, she invited her parents and brother, together with his wife, to share the difficult news in person.
But before she could, her brother excitedly announced that his wife was pregnant. This changed the atmosphere instantly, leaving her searching for the right moment to speak. Despite the tension, she knew she had to tell her family about her diagnosis. But she didn’t expect someone could take her words the wrong way.
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The sister-in-law’s comments were heartless
It’s true, stage 2 breast cancer is classified as a relatively early one, but to downplay a life-changing diagnosis like that, saying “it’s just stage two” is incredibly insensitive.
In stage 2, the cancer has grown, but it is still contained in the breast tissue, or the growth has only extended to axillary lymph nodes (the lymph nodes nearest the breast).
A patient with stage 2 breast cancer can expect to be in active treatment for 3-18 months or longer, depending on the details of their particular case.
In addition to active treatment for breast cancer, many stage 2 breast cancer patients whose cancer is estrogen receptor-positive (ER+) can expect to be on some form of hormonal treatment for 5-10 years after their diagnosis. For tumor cells that are HER2+, biologic targeted therapies may be given for a total of one year.
If cancer has not spread to the lymph nodes, the cancer is considered localized, meaning there is no sign that cancer has spread outside of the breast. The 5-year relative survival rate for localized breast cancer is 99%.
However, if cancer has spread to the lymph nodes, it is considered regionally advanced, and the 5-year relative survival rate decreases to 87%.
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It’s not uncommon for brothers and sisters to sacrifice their relationships for their partners
“Sisters and brothers face one of the most perilous moments in their relationship when one of them chooses a life partner,” says writer Fern Schumer Chapman, author of Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation.
When she conducted a survey for her book, Chapman discovered that many respondents blamed a spouse or partner for fracturing the sibling relationship. Their comments were bitter and painful, such as:
- “My brother’s wife has tons of drama and hate in her life; I am 100 percent positive she is the precipitating factor.”
- “She met her boyfriend, and he slowly started cutting out everyone until he had manipulated her into interacting with him only. I pray I never run into him because I may pulverize him.”
- “My brother’s wife values status, money, and connections above all else. I have none of these things, so I am not useful.”
According to Chapman, a new partner may feel threatened by, or jealous of, closeness between brothers and sisters. “Siblings, especially those close in age, may find themselves experiencing the same emotions, particularly if they’re not in a relationship. The ‘left behind’ sibling may feel shut out and resentful. To assuage these feelings, the new partner — or the sibling — would do well to identify and cultivate a shared interest that can pave the way for connection.”
But she also adds that some cases are just downright impossible. “The partner, always in the sibling’s ear, can wield a powerful influence and may use it against the family,” the writer says.
“A new spouse may initiate a crusade against their in‐laws immediately after the wedding. If the couple doesn’t strive for even-handed treatment – electing, for example, to attend one family’s holiday celebration over the other’s – a rift can develop quickly. When perceived as a snub, favoritism can lead to deep resentments.”
And an ultimatum to choose between the sibling and the partner can be one of the signs of emotional abuse, pointing to the possibility that the conflict won’t end well.
Chapman says, “A controlling partner typically establishes dominance through demands: requiring frequent check-ins, insisting that the couple do everything together, etc.”
“Gradually, the controlling partner weakens the other and, ultimately, even when someone comes to recognize what’s happening to them, they may already feel isolated and unable to confide in anyone; he or she has been left lacking a support system at a time of urgent need.”
Hopefully, the Redditor and her family have found a way to stick together.
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