Anyone in a long-term relationship can tell you it’s no easy walk in the park. Just think about the heated arguments, compromises, and misunderstandings — navigating the ups and downs is quite a task right there, especially when it comes to marriage. Well, no one is immune to the occasional blips and bumps in the road, and this viral thread is here to prove it.

Reddit user Zorra_ decided to find out what blunders happen after people tie the knot and say “I do”. They raised a question on the Ask Reddit online forum: “Marriage counselors, what are the most common mistakes couples make?” Hundreds of professionals rolled up their sleeves and typed some of the things they witnessed during their careers.

Bored Panda handpicked the best pieces of advice this thread had to offer that might help guide you through the biggest roadblocks. Continue scrolling, upvote the ones you agree with, and make sure to check out our previous posts on the never-ending topic of marriage right here, here, and here.

#1

Expecting partners to be able to read their mind and anticipate needs and wants.

Image credits: maxpowerphd

#2

Not expressing gratitude towards your partner on a regular basis. Experiences and expressions of gratitude can have a really positive effect on psychological well being as well as relational strength.

Image credits: maxpowerphd

#3

When I was in my twenties, I was working as a nursing assistant, and the veteran nurse on the unit walked in holding hands with her husband. I commented that you don’t see that every day, and she leaned in and said, ‘You want to know the secret, kid?’ I said yes, and she continued, ‘People don’t know how to grow and change together. You will change, and so will your partner. But the question is whether you know how to grow and change together.’

Image credits: whitepawn23

#4

Not listening, most people listen to respond and don’t listen to hear. This is what I spend the most time teaching couples how to do!

Image credits: cplkm

#5

Children.

For the love of everything that is good and pure, don’t bring a child into a broken marriage expecting him to be the lifesaver, it has never worked and it will never, a child is supposed to be the consolidation of the mutual love of the couple, he arrives because the marriage is in a good place, not the other way around.

I work with kids and trust me, most kids are fully aware when mom and dad are in a bad state and he is the only reason they aren’t splitting, and also I have seen the typical dumb parent who believed once the child arrived his/her partner would have a change of heart and would be a better person, of course it didn’t happen, and of course the child was caught in the middle of that crossfire.

Why these people believe a child is the ultimate trump card for saving a marriage is beyond me

Image credits: Rembo__

#6

Wife has degree in marriage and family counseling. One of the bigger factors in a successful marriage are couples responding to “repair attempts” during arguments/conflict. Repair attempts are often little jokes or olive branches to help overcome issues and arguments.

En example: My wife didn’t buy movie tickets in advance for date night this last Sunday and it was sold out. It sucked! She laughed and sheepishly said, “we’ll, at least we get to spend more time together staring longingly into each other’s eyes!” That was her repair attempt. It works two ways though, I also have to respond positively to it… which I did. We did a lot of staring longingly into each other’s eyes last Sunday.

Image credits: KaptainKompost

#7

Keeping score. A partnership is a team, not a competition. Whether a person keeps score of everything they have done, or everything their partner has done, it is a death knell for the relationship. This is one of the most common causes of resentment in a relationship, and you see it often when people use absolute terms to describe themselves or their partners (I.e: I always…, she never…). Remembering that each person has his/her own needs, abilities, skills, and boundaries is essential to a healthy couple.

Image credits: natgoeshome

#8

Getting married because they wanted a wedding, not because they wanted to be married.

Image credits: molten_dragon

#9

when one half says “I am not happy about X”, do not respond with “ok but I am unhappy with Y.” Fix X. Get settled. Then bring up Y if you still need to.

Image credits: mrmrmrj

#10

Expecting one person to be everything for them. You need friends, coworkers, a support system, and hobbies.

Image credits: fairiefire

#11

Keeping secrets or lies.

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#12

Therapist here, have served couples.

Number one problem I see is overactive threat response creating anger and rigidity. People don’t stop to turn down their defense mode, and lose sight of love because all their energy is going towards being right or controlling the outcome. Of course that control comes from a place of fear, but fear and vulnerability feels too dangerous, so it typically gets expressed as anger, frustration, or rigidity.

Surrender to not having control, accept what’s in front of you, and cultivate compassion. Please. Because y’all rigid couples who just can’t prioritize empathizing with each other over your fear response are driving me nuts! 🙂

Image credits: WhyAreYouUpsideDown

#13

Lack of communication/comfort with discussing difficult topics. Or one partner being uncomfortable with discussion a topic which leaves both partners feeling frustrated or dissatisfied.

Image credits: maxpowerphd

#14

I’m not a marriage counselor but my wife posted a very meaningful and controversial article the other day and tagged me in it because I agree with its philosophy. It was titled “Your kids should not be the most important part of your marriage.” Of course, many parents were offended and complained bitterly about the article. But we don’t make our kids the center of our marriage. We devote a lot of time to them and keep them healthy and educated, of course, but we spend just as much time on each other. If Mom and Dad are happy, the kids are likely to be happy. On many occasions, my wife will rush to get a few things done for the kids in the morning and ask me, playfully “Hey, you wanna do me in the bedroom real quick?!” And I will fix dinner and get the kids to bed so her and I can have some fun and cuddle while we talk about our day. Kids don’t define your marriage, you and your spouse absolutely do.

#15

Going to a marriage counselor believing that it’s like a judge and s/he will tell them who’s right and who’s wrong.

Image credits: [deleted]

#16

Currently a student in a Clinical Psychology Doctorate Program, focusing in Marriage and Family.

If you aren’t already familiar with it, I would recommend taking a look at John Gottman’s work on romantic relationships. He is one of the best known researchers on this topic. Perhaps his most famous work is The Four Horsemen – in a 30 minute interview, Gottman was able to accurately predict which couples would divorce based on their interactions with each other, particularly when those interactions included:

1) Criticism

2) Contempt

3) Defensiveness

4) Stonewalling

Research from the Gottman institute has expanded on this to provide a pretty comprehensive list of factors that lead to couple conflict and divorce. Gottman also addresses solutions to these issues, which primarily exist within his form of couples therapy.

Take this all with a grain of salt. This is one perspective on relationships, but it tends to be a pretty robust and well-researched one (and it happens to be the one I’m the most familiar with).

My personal understanding on the issue is that problems arise from a lack of humility and the challenge of getting out of deeply engrained patterns/cycles of conflict (which generally requires both partners to accept fault and extend grace).

#17

Expecting that because your significant other knows you better than others and is around you most, that they are aware of all of your thoughts and feelings. Your partner is not psychic, and no matter how often they are around you or how well they know you, they cannot pick up on every nuance to determine how you are feeling and how they should respond. That is called emotional babysitting, and it cascades into a host of problems and unnecessary hurt.

Image credits: natgoeshome

#18

Not giving intimacy in their relationship enough attention. This includes but is not limited to sex. Many relationships start with the “hot and heavy” phase where intimacy can come naturally. As this phase diminishes many couples do not spend the time and energy to consider how to maintain a healthy level of intimacy now that it doesn’t just come naturally.

Image credits: maxpowerphd

#19

Failure to communicate effectively – this can be taught.

Image credits: fairiefire

#20

When you’re hurt, say so, and stop trying to ‘hurt back’. When someone does something or says something hurtful, whether conscious or not, let them know in a non accusatory way before you begin the game of throwing daggers. Much of the relationship damage that couples endure is the back and forth hurt-each-other game that snowballs out of control, causing a ton more damage.

#21

Treating their pets better than their partners.

#22

I was asked once…. what is marriage, 50/50? 60/40? 75/25? I said 50/50. Nope! The answer is 100/100. Both must be willing to do everything for each other, all of the time. Simple as that. Free advice I thought I would pass along.

#23

Thinking that they have to feel ‘in love’ at all times, and that if they don’t, then they obviously married the wrong person.

#24

Allowing families / friends to get too involved in the relationship – Remember the saying ‘Too many cooks spoil the broth?’ yeah exactly this.

#25

Biggest mistake is waiting too long to get help. Repeat issues coming up again and again will not resolve themselves. Get help before it’s helpless. As I’m recently divorced marriage therapist, I cannot stress enough how important acknowledging repair attempts and keeping intimacy alive are as life sustaining nutrients for your marriage. BTW, my ex is a therapist who changed religions and no longer thought sex was important.

#26

Wife doing her Masters in Psychology and has a certificate in Marriage Counselling.

The main mistake being the use of the word “You” / “your” or any similar words targeting the other partner in an argument (for example “you said you would do the dishes!”)

This puts the person receiving the comment into a defensive mode and they stop listening and get defensive. Thus, communication breaks down.

#27

People don’t learn to fight. You have to fight fair in a relationship. People go nuts when they get mad and some couples never learn to fight in a way that honors the person you are fighting with. It is so important to learn to respect space, don’t assume motives, and take turns in explaining your views.

Its a big deal and I work on it quite a bit in counseling.

#28

Yelling instead of troubleshooting.

#29

They say people divorce over money, but they don’t — they divorce over values. And nothing brings out someone’s values — or lack thereof — like money. If you can’t understand the person’s priorities, fears, hopes, dreams, goals, and what drives them financially, if you look down on them for any of that, or if think you’ll be able to fix any of that, don’t marry them.

#30

I’ve been married for 10 years and my partner is an MFT. All of the suggestions in this thread are wonderful and accurate. The one thing that I want to add onto them is probably the biggest lesson that my partner and I have discovered over time: people change. You will change. They will change. It is nigh impossible to have the same relationship 2 years in that you did at the start–don’t try to hold onto it. The only way my partner and I have stayed together for as long as we have is because we were able to adapt to each other.

That being said, don’t try to force a relationship that’s inherently dysfunctional. It’s not a mark of failure for a relationship to end. Change seems scary, but the truth is you’ve already changed.

#31

One of the most toxic things I have found in doing marriage counseling is when couples think of themselves as individuals who happen to be together and not as a couple. (Not that I’m advocating enmeshment.)

That’s not really marriage. That’s having a roommate, or perhaps less than that even.

Marriage is a union of two people. That’s what the unity candle and sand and knots are all about. There is a bringing together of two lives that is inseparable.

If either member still conceptualizes themself as a solely autonomous individual whose actions and dispositions impact only themselves, things will go bad eventually.

They go bad because it results in a person caring more for themselves than their spouse. This is seen where couples spend money behind each other’s backs because “it’s my money, why does it matter?” When couples keep secrets from each other, which inevitably results in pain. This is seen when couples don’t stop to consider their spouse’s thoughts, feelings, desires, dreams, abilities, and strengths alongside their weaknesses.

The remedy to this is behaving as a unit in small ways and in large. If you’re getting something from the fridge, see if your spouse wants something. It even helps in arguments; no longer is it spouse against spouse but it’s the married couple against the issue causing stress to the unit.

When one person considers a course of action, their thoughts ought to be about how it impacts the unit.

Tl;dr “and the two shall become one flesh so they are no longer two but one.”

#32

Marrying someone they wouldn’t go into business with. I’m a paralegal, and I always tell people that if you can’t imagine yourselves opening a dry cleaning business, creating the next great start-up, or running a B&B together, then DO NOT marry that person. Because marriage is a legal business, a contract that creates a business relationship with the other person. And to marry them is to open a business enterprise with them.

#33

As soon as couple stops being on the same team, fighting all the bullsh*t of life together, things fall apart. Get on the same team. Get behind each other’s goals. If you’re not on the same team, you’re just going to wind up annoying the f*ck out of each other. All that bullsh*t of life is going to be beating you down and your life partner is just going to be part of it instead of a refuge.

Image credits: thudly

#34

Never lash the other with past misbehaviors when trying to resolve a current issue. We have been married 17 years so there is limitless [stuff] we can pull out of our history together to highlight past wrongs and that just derails what could be a quick resolution.

Image credits: mrmrmrj

#35

Sometimes people are just looking to express their feelings and feel heard. I’ve made the mistake multiple times of jumping to try and find the ‘solution’ to a problem, when the better thing to do was to be open, listen, and acknowledge the validity of my partner’s feelings.

#36

Blaming their partner for all issues in the relationship and not taking ownership of their own role in dysfunction/issues.

#37

Responding to each other defensively rather than vulnerably. Unfortunately, most of us cannot identify our defense mechanisms, especially when we are emotional, so it’s difficult to correct without someone pointing it out.

Therapy can help.

#38

Holding onto resentment and then unleashing it at inappropriate times. For example, husband forgets to do a chore, and then wife unleashes on him not for forgetting the chore, but for the million other things he forgot, plus the fact that he’s been ignoring her plus the thing with her mother, etc. etc….

#39

Divorce lawyer here.

Talk. About. Money.

Talk. About. Sex.

If you’re marrying someone with a sh*tty credit score, you should know how and why they ended up with it, lest you find yourself in their shoes very quickly. A credit score can cost thousands and take Y E A R S to rebuild. Know if they have any tax liens or liability. Are they paying child support and do they have any kind of garnishment? Who is going to be responsible for managing the finances? How many credit cards does the other person have and what are their balances? I’ve seen money kill a lot of marriages.

​

Another one a lot of people don’t think of is actually talking about sex, not just having it. Do you enjoy the sex you have? Would you like to have more of it? Less? Would you like to se it change? Do you or the other person have any weird kinks? Just have the talk. Different sexual wavelengths can be difficult to reconcile.

#40

Not necessarily a mistake but a sign of relationship death and something to keep in mind.

Contempt during fights.

John Gottman predicts 90% of divorces by identifying contempt. (Bit of an oversimplification )

If you are angry or fighting with your SO and you get to the point where you think they are worthless, or beneath consideration…its probably over.

Anger, frustration, rage, are all normal human emotions, just dont let it get you past that line of contempt.

It’s not you vs them, it’s the both of you against the issue.

#41

Marriage counselor in TX:

Probably one of the biggest mistakes that couples make is forgetting that they’re on the same team, and they fight to win instead of fighting to resolve.

Focus on hearing and understanding each other, and engage in disagreements with an eye on coming together, and compromise will follow easily.

Also: sex is good, important, and okay to talk about. Couples make the mistake of thinking that sex is one of those things that they should just intuitively understand, but life doesn’t work like that.

#42

1) Not actively listening. I’m always shocked by how few people actually know how to listen to and validate their partner.

2) Getting married young. I keep having married clients in their mid-20s with 3 kids who are now realizing that 19 was really young to be married. They say they miss the opportunities they never had to date, have sex partners besides their spouse, and not have to take care of their kids at such a young age, etc. Also, a lot of my clients got married young for religious reasons and then one of them begins to question their faith, which is difficult for both.

3) Expecting your partner to read your mind.

4) alcohol/ drugs

5) Waiting until your relationship is already DOA before coming to therapy and then expecting the therapist to revive it in one hour.

#43

Current Marriage, Couple and Family master’s counseling student here.

Unspoken family rules that you bring into relationship are HUGE.

Obviously you didn’t grow up together and depending on how you did you grow up you may have had completely different family of origin (FOO) experiences. It can be as simple as your FOO separated out laundry by color and your SO’s just threw everything in together so you have different family rules regarding laundry, to your FOO had the rule of “family problems stay in the family” and your SO’s family talked to people outside the family about all the problems freely.

Everybody has these rules, talking about them and uncovering them (without judgement) will go a very long way in maintaining and deepening connection. If you don’t talk about them it is easy to get into negative interactional patterns that are just rehearsals of how your FOO did things and not creating healthy, mutually safe patterns.

Also, I recommend that everyone in relationship take an attachment style quiz and compare their attachment style (secure, anxious, or avoidant) because that reveals a lot of unspoken rules as well.

#44

Pastor here. There is a book on New Testament ethics called “Dirt, Greed and Sex,” which coincidentally are the big three issues in marital conflict. By “dirt” I mean household duties (including children), “greed” is money management, and sex is, well, sex. Each topic requires communication and cooperation. Another note: the purpose of counselling is to alter the way you view your situation. This is true for individuals and for couples. Answers and solutions follow a change in perspective.

#45

The most important thing I would stress is don’t go to bed angry.

If my wife and I have a problem, we talk it out or the lights stay on until we’re done.

You cannot let those silent wedges dig their way into your souls. Something will break eventually, and may be irreparable.

I would like to end with a very positive example of communication.

Last Saturday my wife and I woke up and started cooking for an evening to be spent at a friend’s house to watch the new Deadwood movie. We LOVE the series and have watched it at least 4 or 5 times. We were going to make a themed meal of a crock pot of chili with cornbread and of course, peaches with authorized cinnamon.

My wife put on the soundtrack for the show, and we got started in the kitchen.

As she was taking something down from the cupboard, I noticed the scattering of gray in her hair.

Then the Lyle Lovett song “Old Friend” began to play. It had never meant much to me before, but in that moment it hit me SO hard. I nearly broke down on the spot. Remember how Amelie dissolved into a puddle? That’s what my heart did. I realized that she is my old friend. Of course, I don’t think of her as old, but we’re both getting older. Still, at 63 she’s often mistaken for being a decade younger. Attitude and energy counts for a lot, and that’s part of the reason why we fit so well because we still feel young at heart.

I took a minute to compose myself and we carried on cooking.

But that feeling wouldn’t go away. It wasn’t as if I didn’t know that she’s the love of my life, but that moment was such an intense confirmation that it took me two days to tell her because I wasn’t sure that I’d get through it without breaking down, and I didn’t want her to think that my tears meant something was wrong.

I told her yesterday afternoon when I got home from work, and she was so happy to hear it. She’s been out of work for six months, and really struggling with feelings of inadequacy and attractiveness. We’ve both gained some weight, but to me, she’s still as beautiful and sexy as ever.

She really appreciated hearing how I felt exactly because she was dealing with all these negative thoughts, and just me telling her how I felt was a big boost for her.

Talk to your partners, people! Don’t assume. Confirm.

Love needs to be nurtured in order to last.

Do the work.

#46

The best advice I’ve seen online

“The person you divorce is the person you married”

aka expecting people to change who they are

#47

I work with couples and their relationships a lot, in my line of work, and do some forms of counselling though it is not my job or training.

But one of the common threads I see running in the midst of relationships/marriages that fall apart is a kind of selfishness.

People that don’t quite realize that marriage works best when you are both acting in the others’ best interest and seeking their happiness more than your own.

It crops up a lot, but not exclusively, in sex/intimacy: if your primary concern in sex is you, you are not going to build any kind of bond or intimate connection, and nor is it going to be much fun for your partner.

Marriage is a lot about sacrifice and the couples I see thriving are the ones who are each willing to make sacrifices for the other and for their family.

Couples who get married thinking that the coming decades of marriage are going to be exactly like the dating or the honeymoon phase, when they face major challenges or speed bumps in their life together, have a real hard time dealing with it, “But I thought I was supposed to be happy”.

#48

Sexual incompatibility. Misunderstanding sex as a bonding activity. When one or the other believes sex is something one does to another as if it was just a utility.

#49

When your significant other brings something to your attention, that they need/want, don’t react harshly if it’s something they’ve refused to bring up sooner. Getting loud or defensive “Why didn’t you bring this up sooner!” will make them shy away from bringing things up again due to negative reinforcement/backlash.

This is especially true if they’ve been victims of any kind of abusive relationships.

Source: Literally killed my marriage because I was an idiot and didn’t respond in an open, non-positive way.

#50

Not a therapist but I read an article once that I found very useful. I can’t remember he exact terms but basically, how you react when your partner reaches out with small probes for connection. It’s not necessarily big hobbies or interests, but little things throughout every day that are sort of unconscious reaches for positive feedback from your partner. For example: I see a pretty bird outside and I say “omg! Come look at this cool bird!” Or “hey check out this song I heard that I really like.” If my partner passively or blatantly rejects that, it feels bad, even if I don’t always fully recognize that in the moment. Over time, those micro-rejections as I call them start to buildup and it’s why people start to feel like someone doesn’t really care about them.

On the flip side, even just a little bit of positive attention and sharing in a moment makes you feel so good, again even if you don’t realize it. Getting up and looking at the bird is saying, “this is important to you in this moment so it’s important to me.” It’s basically like those are the small shared experiences that build up a joint life and if you start to neglect your partner in those small ways, you can grow distant.

I try really hard now to never ignore or reject my partners small reaches. I often don’t care about the Instagram meme he wants to show me or the latest NBA news, but I’ll listen or look and laugh because I want him to feel loved and appreciated.

#51

Using blaming language and projecting fears and mistrust.

#52

Another divorce lawyer here.

Get to know each other before you jump into marriage and kids!! I cannot tell you (no really, ethically I can’t! ) how many cases of mine are parenting plan/child support actions, and a few very short term marriages, that are a result of having tons of unsafe sex that results in a child within a few months of meeting each other.

Once you have kids together you are bonded for life, so all the better for you and your offspring if you LIKE each other enough to be in it for life.

#53

They confuse love with the chemical high you get early in are relationship. That cannot last, for reasons built into our biology.

A successful relationship is to built on that feeling. It’s built on mutual respect and a mutual decision to make it work each day.

#54

This is really a part of relationships. People change and one of three things happens:

you change in the same direction
You change in different directions and find a new arrangement for the relationship and new personalities
you change in different directions and you don’t find a new arrangement.
We had some friends who got married and we tried so, so, hard to keep them from getting married. He was immature, and she was incredibly immature. She had been engaged 3 times, each time she was dating the next person within a month of the engagement falling through…in one case it fell through less than a month before the wedding and she was dating the new guy within a week (this is actually the two friends that ended up getting married).

They constantly fought…I mean…constantly. I’ve been present when he’s taking off his ring and asked if she wanted it back. Last I saw of them they were still fighting constantly and I’m convinced the only reason they’re still married is because they’re religious and don’t want to be seen in a divorce or don’t realize how miserable they are. I don’t know if they will ever mature – but knowing each one I know that they will do so in very different directions.

This is why people who have not matured should not get married.

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