When there’s no communication, your entire marriage rests on treacherous ground. You have to be willing to talk to your spouse about the most important things—including money problems!—no matter how awkward and embarrassing it might be. If you stay silent, you risk putting your entire family and your relationship in jeopardy. Nasty secrets have a habit of eventually coming out, after all.
A devastated woman, u/No_Cockroach_3567, vented to the ‘True Off My Chest’ online community about how she uncovered that her “ideal marriage” was a sham. She discovered that her husband had hidden their six-figure debt… and yet, that was just the tip of the iceberg. You’ll find her story and updates below.
Honesty, trust, and transparency are fundamental in a happy and healthy marriage. If they are missing, it’s a red flag
Image credits: Media_photos (not the actual photo)
This distraught woman revealed the huge amount of family debt she had uncovered. Her husband tried to hush it all up
Image credits: demopicture (not the actual photo)
The story started going viral, and the author began sharing more and more context about her family and financial life
Image credits: No_Cockroach_3567
Guilt and shame are among the top reasons why people hide debt from their loved ones
The obvious has to be said: you should not hide your and your family’s financial situation from your significant other. Where there’s transparency, you can get on the same page and tackle the problems together. When you keep these financial issues secret, you increase the risk of them spiraling out of control. The truth will eventually come out, and it will be even more devastating for your loved ones to hear.
That being said, it’s easy to understand why someone might choose to keep their money problems hidden. They might be ashamed or embarrassed about their mistakes. Or they hope to fix the situation before their massive mistakes (i.e., mind-meltingly huge debt) come to light. However, when your actions affect the people around you, you have a duty to be honest with them.
In this particular case, the online post author’s husband lied about more than just the family’s jaw-droppingly bad financial situation. He also chose to have an affair and kept his infidelity a secret. On top of that, he has been supporting the woman he had an affair with, at the cost of his own family’s well-being. There’s so much wrong here that this marriage will likely end in divorce or the couple will need long-term work with a therapist to heal the rift.
According to Equifax, the main reasons why someone chooses to hide debt from their loved ones are guilt, shame, and not wanting to burden them with additional stress. In some cases, the debt might predate the person’s romantic entanglements, so it is kept secret out of fear of hurting the otherwise flourishing relationship.
Image credits: Mikhail Nilov (not the actual photo)
Debt can quickly snowball and negatively impact your credit rating, health, family life, and financial future
Not all reasons for debt are equal, though. In some cases, a person might be dependent on gambling, so they end up owing vast amounts of money. Here, the individual needs psychological aid with getting their gambling under control, not just a helping hand with financial literacy and responsible budgeting. Contrast this with the debt that someone took on to study at university or start a business, where they are trying to build a stronger financial foundation for themselves.
“Avoiding or hiding your debts is never a viable solution, not even in the short term. Missed repayments and the effects of compound interest can cause the debt to grow quickly and lenders will take necessary steps to reclaim what they are owed. In some instances, individuals may find themselves liable for debts incurred by their ex-partner, even if the debt was hidden from them,” Equifax warns, advocating for openness and honesty.
What’s more, missing or defaulting on repayments can harm your credit history and have a negative impact on your future. If things get out of control, you might even land yourself in legal trouble, head toward bankruptcy, and lose your valuable possessions. Meanwhile, if you can’t keep up with your mortgage payments, you can even lose your family home.
And that’s on top of the massive amount of emotional strain that you are under while hiding your debt. Eventually, that chronic stress will catch up to you, hurting your physical and mental health. For example, you can end up with anxiety or depression.
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There is no alternative to open and honest communication with your significant other. However, you should avoid judging your partner and focus on solutions and the future
In the meantime, KeyBank suggests that one of the best things that you can do as a couple when managing debt is to talk about it. Not exactly groundbreaking stuff, but ‘simple’ doesn’t mean ‘easy.’ It can be incredibly difficult to open up about something that you’re ashamed of, and then keep those lines of communication open.
The key thing to stress here is that you should focus more on the solutions to your problems than on judging your partner for their mistakes. In other words, think about the future instead of ruminating about the past. And that means looking at the financial facts and creating a clear plan forward.
“As you lay out the details of your partner’s debt, avoid judging. Shaming or harassing your partner won’t solve the issue.”
You have to look at how much debt you have, what your interest rates are, how much you’re paying toward paying it off every month, and how long it will take for you to get out of debt. Look at how much money you have left over every month after you cover the necessities (rent, utilities, gas, food, clothing, etc.), and seriously consider whether you can allocate more of your budget toward debt payments.
You may want to reach out to a professional financial planner who has a fiduciary obligation to you to evaluate your options and come up with a strategy to sort out your finances. They won’t be burdened by any emotional attachments, so they will look at your financial situation objectively.
How do you maintain open lines of communication with your partner about sensitive topics like money, savings, spending, investments, and debt? How would you react if you uncovered that your family was massively in debt and your significant other was fully at fault? How do you navigate difficult discussions with your partner toward a better, brighter future? Share your thoughts.
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
The woman then shared a very important detail
The internet was very supportive of the author and offered some insights and advice
Things quickly took an unexpected turn
Image credits: chartchaik1 (not the actual photo)
A month and a half later, the woman shared a shocking update about her family and financial situation
Image credits: Garakta-Studio (not the actual photo)
Image credits: No_Cockroach_3567
She then added some more info
Many people were utterly shocked by the author’s newest revelations
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