An affair can be a breaking point in a relationship and for many, it’s the ultimate violation in a monogamous marriage.
But when you’re a parent, the violation doesn’t just affect the partners involved — the kids also feel the brunt of it.
In one case, a decades-long marriage collapsed after the man discovered that his wife was having an affair.
The couple’s children were pulled into the mess, with one of them taking sides and trying to hold the family together at any cost.
A decades-long marriage fell apart after an affair
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The betrayal dragged the couple’s children into an emotional mess
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Not every act of betrayal comes from the same place, or for the same reason
We don’t mean to dishearten you with these stats, but instead highlight that infidelity is a common problem faced by couples across the world.
In a survey about which countries cheat the most, the US comes in first place, with 71% of people who were surveyed admitting to cheating. Germany at 68%, and the UK at 66% came in close behind.
The numbers say that infidelity also varies by relationship status, age, gender and cultural norms.
Cheating is not always borne out of a physical need, and a person can be in a marriage they love and still cheat. There can be several reasons for it.
If a person has issues with intimacy or a need to prove one’s desirability; if they feel that marriage and parenthood made them lose their identity and freedom; out of anger or revenge; low self-esteem; or abusive relationships.
Another reason could be that there is no reason at all — because sometimes some people are just cruel.
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Many families struggle to recover when trust is broken
Divorce rates are significantly higher among married couples that have experienced infidelity. A study found that 53% of infidelity cases ended in divorce within 5 years of couples therapy, compared with 23% of cases where there was no cheating involved.
The immediate impact is feelings of shame, anxiety, fear, worry, depression, shock, and aggression.
But these exact feelings are also felt by the children in a family where one parent cheats on another.
Studies say that parents who are unable to properly deal with infidelity usually leave their children exposed to increased conflict, trauma and grief-like symptoms.
“People think an affair is just something personal, that the kids will never find out. But in most cases, it creates emotional distance within the family,” says Ana Nogales, a psychologist and author.
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Children should be kept out of parental conflicts
Experts say the first step for the couple is to decide whether to try to rebuild things or file for divorce. But in doing so, it’s important to protect the children from the fallout as much as possible.
Some people choose to stay together because of their children or to save family dynamics. But if the children are old enough or adults, staying together can feel like giving up individual well-being.
It is also important to remove the child from that triangle, and tell them clearly that the adults are going to handle things.
Children should never be forced to take sides. Basically, the opposite of what the mother did in this case — pushing her daughter to take on the emotional stress and attempt to mend the family. That is a big no, according to experts.
If talking things out and setting boundaries doesn’t work, the couple should consider seeing a therapist, both together and individually. Family therapy is also an option to help everyone work through the mess.
The man offered additional context after readers raised questions
Some people expressed support for his choice to protect himself
But not everyone agreed with him, and criticized him for cutting ties with the daughter
The man reassured people that he’s not “abandoning” his daughter
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He came back with an update on what happened next
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Reactions poured in with people sharing their own stories and opinions
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