You think you know a person. Especially your partner. But one day they tell you that their pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with them and suddenly you feel like you’re standing in front of a stranger. (Yes, Ross Geller, I’m talking about you. Shame.)

A few weeks ago, Redditor NTSTwitch made a post on the subreddit ‘Ask Women‘ that read “What seemingly harmless personality traits ended up turning out to be a dealbreaker in your relationships?” and its members immediately started sharing their experiences.

We thought the answers provide some interesting insights into not only dating but socializing in general, so we rounded up the most-upvoted ones, and invite you to check them out as well.

#1

He was always sweet and adoring towards me while a complete monster to anyone/everyone on the outside… lol it’s not that he has a soft spot for you!! It only lasts so long before they switch up on you too.

Image credits: Tiny_Bug_7530

#2

Always funny. It’s fine to be funny, but it becomes a problem when the person prioritizes being funny over being kind. They’ll say something critical or sarcastic and try to hide behind “humor.” Or, “being funny” is such a big part of their identity that they will prioritize that over every else.

I wish in my younger days I had prioritized kindness over being funny in men.

Image credits: MinervasOwlAtDusk

#3

Agreeability. After a while you realise they never make any decisions and just go with whatever you want to do, which makes it so that you make literally all the decisions. It’s exhausting.

Image credits: CatrionaShadowleaf

#4

Conflict avoidance.

Nobody wants to fight all the time, but an inability to have a disagreement without shutting down completely is not sustainable in an adult relationship. It only builds resentment.

Image credits: baffledrabbit

#5

“Telling it like it is” — at first it seemed like an admirable trait, to be with someone that’s blunt and straightforward. But after a while, I realized they just didn’t want to be held accountable or questioned for saying awful things.

Image credits: this-lil-cyborg

#6

Being concientious with money. When every gift turns into a debate about how much it costs…

Image credits: newmama1991

#7

Consistently making demeaning “jokes” about you or your abilities. Death by a thousand cuts. It’s passive aggressive and completely repulsive.

Image credits: melancholicangie

#8

Having a “laid back look on life. After a while, it becomes clear this person don’t have any goals or desires in life. It gets boring and i start losing my respect for our relationship.

Image credits: Over_Run5797

#9

We had so much in common. I thought it was serendipitous. Turns out he just changes his personality to mirror who ever he’s around 100% of the time.

Image credits: BlondeBimbo123456789

#10

Being a workaholic. I grew up in an immigrant home in the US, my parents had very little education from their country, so they worked very hard. I thought it was normal to work as much as they did. My ex was a workaholic with school, work, friendships, and family relationships. I even admired his work ethic. But the stress that culminated and little to no time for our relationship caused a lot of tension in our relationship.

Image credits: approveausername

#11

Liking to “get a little buzzed”. What I thought was just a few drinks on Fridays and Saturdays turned out to be actually drinking through 2 liters of tequila in 24 hours. Wouldn’t have ever noticed the extent of the problem if I hadn’t moved in.

Image credits: RiverInOctober

#12

Guys who make their whole personality revolve around their hobbies like anime, gaming, and science stuff. There is nothing wrong with having hobbies like that, but at the same time be more open-minded to learn new things and other experiences. I dated one and it didn’t get so far, couldn’t hold a conversation well if it wasn’t about his hobbies and interests. He also was a people pleaser which annoyed me very much.

Image credits: Annalove478

#13

Mamas boys. In a sense they’re great because they tend to have more respect for women, however, sometimes it’s more then that. If they never disagree with their mom and always go with mommy’s suggestions or advice over yours then that’s a red flag. My husband won’t stick up for me to his mom and I’m feeling resentful for it.

Image credits: stphbby

#14

Decisiveness. Started off great bc he made his mind up and was determined to follow through. Wasn’t so great when he made life altering decisions without informing or including me in those decisions even though it would effect me and our relationship.

Image credits: ulilminxxx

#15

Not having male friends.

Learned by the end of it that they could see through his bs/ the “i just get along well with girls” was because he flirted his way into “friendships”.

Image credits: asongandabird

#16

Control. Needing to control certain things or their anxiety goes wild. I have anxiety and understand the why but at the end of the day the why is never acceptable. You cannot control most things in life and the overwhelming need to do so always leads to worse things.

Image credits: Throwawheyyeye

#17

For me it was messiness, it translated to me being responsible for all the house work & cleaning up after his mess. I became a caregiver not a partner.

Image credits: kylestopthrowingfood

#18

Being goal oriented. My ex had a lot of goals and seems to want to be in a long-term relationship with someone. One of the problems I’ve found is that he hasn’t thought about how having a partner may affect those plans. It was his way or the highway and if you talked about a future that didn’t align with what he wanted/imagined, you were the enemy. Lots of men seem to think they need to accomplish X, Y, Z, before they settle down. Which is fine, per se, but in the meantime they need to recognize they probably don’t want something serious. They want a partner that lines up with the future they envision, but they’re not ready for her. Granted I’ve come to the conclusion that he just didn’t want *me*, but it’s all the same. I believe in building a future together so there’s balance. No one should have to fit into their partner’s plan, they should *be* a part of it.

#19

People pleasers.

I used to think they were generous people with kind hearts, but over time I learned not to trust them because they’re not true to themselves and are very resentful people due to their inability to say how they really feel. They do nice things to “get” you to like them, not because they actually want to. I don’t like that.

Image credits: TeenyWeenyQueeny

#20

Any self proclaimed ’empath’. It turns into ‘look how much I’m hurting because of your pain’

Edit: The point I’m making is that people who claim to be empaths often make other people’s emotions about them. Rather than letting a person grieve, it becomes about how much the other person’s grief effects them.

Image credits: digitalkitten1999

#21

The always trying to make someone laugh trait. It’s like okay … everything doesn’t have to be humorous 24/7. It becomes annoying after a certain point.

Image credits: Sourapplecaramel_

#22

Him being a social butterfly. Turns out he was always seeing who he could reel in for later and had more back burners than a restaurant.

Image credits: VanityInVacancy

#23

Talking down about his exes, he thought he was making me feel better by saying they weren’t as good as me, flawed, etc. eventually it just felt like woman hate. Not flattering and not fun to listen to!

Image credits: Beanzerino

#24

Passiveness. Turns out they were passive about everything including what they wanted for their future, career, money, etc. There wasn’t one thing in their life that they desired for themselves.

Image credits: lunarmothtarot

#25

Disputatiousness. At first it felt like fun banter, but after a few years it was exhausting how he ALWAYS had to be right. Couldn’t even have minor disagreements like who the actor in a movie was without it becoming a whole thing, never mind if I we actually needed to discuss something serious.

Image credits: bratwurts

#26

Their relationship with their mother (not exactly a personality trait but kind of). My mom always told me, “How he treats his mom is how he’ll treat you” and while I definitely want a guy who respects his mother, I think her perspective is an outdated, traditionalist way of looking at things. I have known plenty of guys who seemed to just really love and appreciate and be close with their moms at first and I thought, “Aw so sweet, he must be a good guy,” and then I find out they don’t know how to cook/clean/do laundry/take care of themselves as adults and not only that, but don’t plan on ever learning and instead expect the women they’re in a relationship with to do all that stuff and basically be their mothers so they never have to grow up. These people also can be bad at talking about serious stuff, or refuse to take accountability for their actions because their mothers to this day tell them nothing is their fault. The worst one fit that description but on top of alllll that, still cuddled/spooned with his mom in bed at age 22 (while facetiming me and letting his mom read a private letter from me over his shoulder as I sat there in awkward silence) and had sex dreams about her but didn’t find it weird. I still love guys who love their moms, but I am also very wary now because sometimes when they love them a *certain* way it comes along with some devastating emotional immaturity.

#27

Wanting to have everyone like them.
My ex did this at my expense, giving away my stuff, paying for other people’s bills etc.
funny thing was that he used to complain about his dad doing the exact same thing to his family and putting them into hardship.

#28

Saying yes to everything and everyone. At first it’s really cool when someone has done so much and has so many connections and friends.

But then they seem to lack appropriate boundaries, have a hard time saying no to others, and don’t know how to prioritize you or your relationship.

It’s ok to say no to invites, it’s ok to say no to people hitting on you (no they’re not just being friendly/networking), you won’t be disappointing anyone, you’re not suddenly an introvert or a hermit. You’re a person in a romantic relationship.

#29

No follow through on anything. It doesn’t even have to be with big things like career etc. I had an ex that would constantly spend money on a new hobby and I would be very supportive of him getting into it because I wanted him to have things outside of me. But after the initial interest he never stuck with it and it was frustrating to watch. I feel like he used me as an excuse for it because I’m disabled and at that time was especially ill and needed a lot of help from him, but the reality was I wanted him to go out and do things without me sometimes. I ended up feeling like I had to be constantly encouraging him to continue things he actually enjoyed when he got into them, and that was exhausting. He was a lovely guy, but I could never do that again. I’m very driven and it’s too exasperating to be around someone who is the opposite.

#30

Name calling others within earshot. Then turned into name calling straight to my face and in front of other.
Started out as just a frustration thing. Became abusive language once they got too comfortable.
HAD to cut the string loose. Unfortunately ended in me being battered and bruised.

#31

Always posting everything we do on social media. Turns out he was more in move with his image.

#32

Teasing. it seems so funny and cute and, “oh wow we have banter” but it can be a pre cursor to something worse.

#33

His quiet and unassuming personality, which I found endearing at first, ended up being what drove me away. The man rarely had an opinion or a comment on anything, then if he did? It was always negative.

Image credits: 1LungWonder

#34

Spontaneous. Turned into just him being impulsive and never being able to self discipline. It eventually led to cheating, drinking excessively, etc. I felt like I had to moderate him. As soon as I broke up, he went off the deep end and said it was because I was his “motivation” to be better previously ?

Image credits: Panda2u

#35

Frugality. It seemed awesome because he was super careful with money. But in the end he never likes to spend money on ANYTHING. Even things that mattered to me (e.g bday dinner).

#36

Poor money management. Not everything is about money, but if you can’t afford to support yourself while also somehow being able to afford frivolous “wants”, then that’s a no-go. I will not be your stand-in mom and take care of you if you’re capable of doing so yourself, just because you can’t prioritize where your money goes.

Image credits: Icy_Formal1384

#37

I had a friend that was very invested/dedicated. At first, I thought this was a good personality trait, but it ended up being suffocating. She would constantly refer to me as her “best friend” even though she wasn’t mine. She made very territorial social media posts about how I was her “best friend in the entire world.” If I hung out with other friends, that she didn’t even know, she would get annoyed that she wasn’t invited. If I wanted to spend my free time alone, with my husband, with other people, etc. she would take it personally and make comments about it. She was jealous with the amount of time I hung out with my husband and said it “wasn’t fair” and that I “treated her differently” than I treat him (obviously).

Image credits: pbd1996

#38

Clinginess.

Might be cute for the beginning but turns out really stressfull if you can’t have a day for yourself like for the whole relationship.

Calls, uninvited visits etc
Can Start really nice as a sign of “I think about you/care for you” but can also be a Flag it might be a control freak. At least if you tell them to don’t come over this day/weekend whatever and they eventually come over. Or if they call you constantly while they know you don’t have time at this moment.

Wanting to live together, decorate your flat
After being in the relationship for a while yeah why not discussing These topics.
But if you’re just together for a short time or clearly stated you don’t want one of these or nether of both…. and constantly bringing up these topics. Or even starting to tell you how you have to arrange furniture or what you can buy and what not

Image credits: h3av3n14

#39

high productivity. It’s great you have a job, many friends and a lot of interests and that you occupy your whole week doing so. But then, with that panorama, what time do you have left to build a relationship based on love with me? if you can’t juggle your productivity, into making space for me, then there’s no way I could be with you

#40

He didn’t like that I dyed my hair. Turns out he had problems with basically everything about me.

#41

being “nonchalant”. I promise, he just doesn’t like you.

#42

Being too focused on money. While it’s good to be financially stable, it doesn’t make up for having a healthy family and good social life. I tend to work a lot to help investing in my future however I would like to share my investments (at least some of it lol) with friends and/or a partner. If the person is not as considerate then they get the boot.

#43

Logic. He was completely unable to empathize with anyone. Unless the answers could be cemented, there was no path forward. The inability to understand how someone feels and how that affects decisions, judgments, life. It’s very difficult to have a relationship with someone who can’t see outside their own box.

#44

My ex really liked helping people, but it came in the form of being a know-it-all. He always gave unsolicited advice and would get so mad at me when I didn’t take it, especially if I told him I really wasn’t looking for advice and sometimes I just need to vent. He would literally cry and tell me that I’m trying to repress who he is as a person. Which I guess is a life coach?? It took me an embarrassingly long time to dump him over this. It drove me f*****g crazy.

#45

Saying things like “If you really love me you would…”

#46

thinks the fact that he’s been to therapy gives him the corner market on every emotional issue. i guess the personality trait would be “self awareness”, and i say it in quotes because there were still glaring emotional issues he had but since he’d been to ✨therapy✨ he thought he could do no wrong. he would yell and jump to conclusions and make ad hominem attacks and then immediately back track and think that was the pinnacle of self awareness. like back tracking on your abuse immediately is something that is impressive or should be revered. i wanted to be like “bro, you know there’s an option where you just act like an adult instead of blowing up and then apologizing immediately right??”

#47

Guys who think their opinions / preferences are always harmless / valid

“Well I (don’t) like it” doesn’t mean the thing is OK or harmless

All actions have consequences, just because you think something is fine doesn’t mean it actually is

#48

Oversharing! At first I thought it was great because I thought he was super open to talking about things (especially his past). Turns out he was a pathological liar who did that to make himself seem convincing when he’d lie to me about things that had happened.

#49

“He really values his friends. How nice it is to be surrounded by a close knit group.”

Yeah, except it was at my expense ?

#50

One I haven’t seen mentioned yet is the inability to take criticism. The last guy I was with had no problem critiquing my interests, jokes, or behaviors, but he’d always get so defensive if you ever tried to give him any constructive criticism about anything.

#51

Care and concern — I shared private past traumas with him, and that turned out to be the information he used against me to try and break me down and make me feel incompetent when I called him out on blatantly questionable behaviors of his later on.

#52

Telling me all of his ex’s businesses. I was young and thought I was special. Now he’s telling every female he messes with, my business.

#53

Debbie downers. Look I haven’t had the greatest life ever but f**k man at least I’m *trying* to make it better instead of sitting around and feeling sorry for myself. Especially when you have people trying to help you too. At some point you’re gonna have to want to do better for yourself too

#54

Lying by omission. Like no I definitely don’t need or want to know everything. But somehow all those pertinent details always get left out. I wonder why lol

#55

Being a pushover. It was all fine and dandy at first, but being with someone who doesn’t voice their own opinions or disagree with you *ever* is really boring and tiring.

#56

Playing devils advocate. Sometimes it’s funny or interesting but everytime it’s irritating

#57

Silence, thought it was cute and they were more reserved. We moved fast, then he talked non stop, and it was the most mind blowing ridiculous stuff that came out. Why Pluto is a moon, thinking Indiana license plates were India plates and the passengers were from India (we live in the US), vouching that you can see babies inside pregnant women’s bellies with a flashlight. Yeah no I couldn’t do it, and yes he was serious, and he was 24-26. It lasted a little too long, and by the end I was worried I might die if ever in a serious situation by a well intentioned but horrible way he’d think to go about it.

Oh and angry passion on topics. Liked that he actually cared about things and over looked the kind of scary angry side of it. Yeah… turned out he can get that angry about anything, and has a bad temper problem, which isn’t fun if we have an argument over drinks. He’s working hard on it now but, yeah don’t ignore the angry red flag. I guess at least I can have a conversation 95% of the time though.

#58

Being philosophical. I loved his philosophical mind, but in a relationship he took it to the extreme and wasn’t able to see the practical ramifications of things and would get stymied in deciding how to act.

#59

Not being able to make decisions. It always kinda annoyed me that he had no opinion on what he wanted to eat or watch. But someday when he met someone he was interested in and the time came to choose between me and her, he had no idea how to choose. That’s when I realised I had to make all the decisions, all the time. I even had to make the decision to end our relationship because he wasn’t able to choose.

#60

Being religious.

CrisisDancing added:

I agree. You may think it is ok to have different religious views however…wait until kids come into the picture…then it is game on.

Have those conversations first.

#61

Codependency.

#62

Knowledgeable. I loved it at first but he grew to be condescending. My friends hated him for it cuz he’d always initiate arguments. “Never let the truth get in the way of a good story” is something I learned. He ended up being a huge liar.

#63

Picky eater. I begin to resent you for it. I think its incredibly immature and childish.

#64

Being a ‘hustler’ or glorifying ‘the grind’.

There will ALWAYS be a next thing to focus on, and it won’t be the relationship.

#65

There’s a limit to kindness I can take. I have been learning not to people please but my husband still does because he wants to be kind. I love how kind he is (one of the reasons I married him) but he picks the worst people to be kind too and even when I tell him it’s a bad idea he feels he has to do it anyways. Which has left us short on money and time a few times. Today it lead to us being short a microwave.

#66

Always being the loudest. Like needing to Always be right and have the last word. At a point it becomes a bickering match and I’m not here for it. This is for friendships too

#67

Not wanting to talk every day. That’s perfectly okay for some people, but for me I like to be in contact with my SO as much as possible.

#68

wanting to see you all the time. I felt guilty if i didn’t want to go to his place for a fourth time that week. towards the end, one of the last straws, was his s**t talking my mom because I had to help her with something around the house and therefore couldn’t go to his place.

this wasn’t why I ended this abusive relationship, but in hindsight I realize it’s a red flag I never noticed. Something I thought was flattering in the beginning turned into 2 years of being unable to enjoy my own company without feeling anxious and guilty.

#69

Being “too woke for a joke.” I say this as a leftist and as someone who has dedicated my life to activism. Of course at first it seems great to have someone so sensitive and conscious and ethical by your side.

But, if you cannot understand other points of view or simply lighten the eff up every now and again, or understand the emotional context of someone’s words, you are not progressive, you are a buzzkill and thought policing.
My ex found a way to make everything negative, political, or downright depressing. He was an improv teacher. One of his students was in an improv scene where one student said “Hey my dude, stop twirling your beard,” and the other student said “No I don’t have a beard, I’m clearly a woman!” And instead of stopping the scene for breaking improv rules, he stopped it for being “transphobic.”

I was told this by a student who had no clue the teacher was my boyfriend. This was in a major metropolitan city where we all clearly have friends of every background, and it was fair to say everyone in that improv community was progressive or unproblematic.

Of course when I met him we were on the same page ethics wise and politically but the longer we were together the more I wondered if he was feeding a negative aspect of positive beliefs if that makes sense.

#70

I noticed my ex would have extremely severe reactions when he’d be watching sports, and his teams that he rooted for lost.

Didn’t seem like that big of a deal at first, but he easily became unhinged over the littlest things. Later his outbursts became harder to hide, and I found myself walking on eggshells a lot around him. The abuse was more noticeable then.

#71

P*rn consumption.

#72

His focus on mental health. He ended up blaming me for all his mental health problems (I was not the cause) even though it turned out he was the one cheating

#73

Having an underlying victim mindset. At first you empathize with them for their struggles and misfortune, but soon realize that people truly believe the world is out to get them regardless of the actual situation. It turns your relationship into a constant source of negative energy and breeds codependency.

#74

Confidence can very easily turn into condescension and that quickly seeps into all interactions and builds animosity.

#75

Not being possessive of me or feeling jealousy in any way. Thought it was cool until it became clear he actually wants to be non-monogamous and get with a limitless number of women (he would want the same for me but that’s not what I’m about).

#76

He was really social and likeable, he always knew what to say in every situation… turns out that he knew what to say to manipulate every situation and person too:D

#77

poor education.

seemed like no big deal, he was able to provide, he did well in life. But that lack of quality conversation was just so boring

Image credits: Linorelai

#78

I can’t date an extrovert. They can be really lovely people so I’ve tried but I was always just so tired. My husband likes to hang out at home and do nothing as much as I do, other people probably think we’re boring af but I’m happy.

#79

Being a ‘freespirit’ a.k.a a rebel. That s**t starts to get dumb asf when you want to be an adult & actually be responsible for your life.

It’s even more pathetic when they hit their 30s, lose their hair, their looks & become fat asf yet still want to rebel against everyone & everything plus be centre of attention.

You begin to question why they’re holding onto their earlier prime years, not doing anything about their fast fading looks, their mediocre life & still expect to be centre of attention ?‍♀️

Who & what are they fighting for?

Like grow tf up ?

#80

Overexcitable people, it’s great until they are constantly cutting you off or yelling over you and show little to no interest in your life but the world is ending if you aren’t as excited for them as them.

#81

“Not being good with emotions” At first that was okay, I thought that he would learn to understand. But it got to the point where I would try to communicate what I was feeling. Or communicate why I was upset and he then saw me as “too emotional” and that led to a break up.

#82

Reserved…turned into boring.

#83

Being an introvert. Thought it would be fine if we both just had our own time to do what we want, but it turned into me resenting being her only person she was close to, and her resenting me going out and having a big circle of friends. Wasn’t a constant issue but would come up every time we disagreed about something.

Edit: constant, not contact

#84

speaking without thinking

#85

Wanting to be fun and entertaining. All the time.

It came to the point where it seemed like silence was the enemy, we couldn’t even watch a 24-minute episode of a show in peace without him trying to start a conversation. If he couldn’t think of anything he’d just start saying senseless gibberish thinking it was “so funny and random.”

#86

Being “silly and goofy”. It was endearing at first but got to the point where sustaining any conversation outside of superficial topics was incredibly difficult. He could never be serious. I got the ick real quick.

#87

Passive aggressive b******t. He would never take a stance on anything, so he could blame everyone else if it went sideways. Silent treatment and wouldn’t say what the issue was. Questions regarding why I needed to wear makeup to work. _All_ of these things happened very gradually over 20 years, so I wasn’t that aware, but I woke up one day, looked in the mirror and said to myself, “No. More.” I had become a blithering idiot.

That was 10 years ago, and after several years of therapy I am the person I was before I met him.

#88

He was too chill, always wanted to go with the flow. he wanted to stay inside almost every time we hung out. towards the end, we basically stopped talking to each other altogether and would only really do our own thing but near each other and then take breaks where we talk and cuddle. which was super nice sometimes, but it got old eventually. it felt like we went from dating to just being friends without saying anything about it.

#89

Wanting to turn everything into a debate, wanting to win every debate!

Sometimes it’s not about whether you’re right or wrong. All that matters is how you s/o is feeling!

#90

Constantly referencing themselves in every situation.

#91

Availability

Luckily I saw it very fast for what it was soon after – that he was very underemployed & not a good father to his children

#92

This may not be in the realm of personality, but food preference. I like variety and spicy and if someone won’t go out of their comfort zone and try something new or a new cuisine, I’m out – great sex be damned.

#93

Being too much of a giver. At one point it was only one sided.

#94

This one sounds silly, but trying way too hard to be attentive or nice.

#95

Always want to text or talk on the phone. Was talking to a guy once and he would want to text 24×7. Nah bro i need some space

#96

Laziness and agreeability as well. I thought I wanted to date someone lazier than me so I could learn how to relax better, but in reality I’m a very high energy person who wants someone to burn that energy with. And I want that person to think of things for us to do, that we both like. Not just me whose bored and says let’s do something, and he says “like what?” I want spontaneous conversations and activities.

from Bored Panda https://ift.tt/4zHMAcw
via IFTTT source site : boredpanda