Many parents have disagreements with their teens. Moms are usually the ones who set rules about curfews, sleepovers, and dating, so they have to bear the brunt of the arguments. One UK study even showed that one in four children aged 16-21 fights with their mothers more than once a week.
This mother wasn’t like that, since she trusted her 18- and 19-year-olds to make smart decisions. However, she got a call from her daughter’s boyfriend’s mother, accusing her of being too lax and demanding that she forbid her son from visiting. The more the women talked, the clearer it became that the woman was dealing with something troublesome at home.
One mother demanded that her son’s girlfriend’s mom forbid her son from visiting
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She claimed that she wasn’t seeing him enough and wanted him home more often
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Empathy and emotional intelligence are great skills when we need to defuse conflicts
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What this mother did might seem like an impossible task sometimes: she met someone angry with empathy and compassion. It might be hard to empathize with a person when they’re yelling at you and making unreasonable demands. Yet, the Redditor was able to see the similarities in herself and the other mother by empathizing with what she is currently going through with her husband.
CEDR Mediator and Conflict Coach Francesca Santoro writes that one of the crucial elements of conflict resolution is finding common ground with the other person. “Being able to sit and just listen to every aspect of how a person is communicating their discomfort can help you to understand their perspective, their needs and interests and their perceptions and prejudices which are key elements of conflict,” Santoro claims.
Instead of going on the assumption that the other mother was entitled and a Karen, the Redditor was able to think about the time she herself experienced a bad relationship and correctly guessed that something similar was happening to “Tommy’s” mother.
Experts say that this skill is also connected to emotional intelligence. People who have social awareness are almost always better at conflict resolution. It encourages us to see the other person’s point of view.
In this case, the Redditor was able to think about why the mother was demanding “Tommy” stay at home more. She didn’t hang up on his mother, she didn’t yell at her, and she didn’t bring up their family situation in any petty or derogatory way. In offering to listen, she may have even helped the mother’s mental health immensely.
Building a support network is crucial for victims of partners who mistreat them
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The Redditor’s story ends with the revelation that the mom on the other end of the phone line was “just a scared woman feeling very alone.” Women who are experiencing a bad home situation need a support network more than ever.
Certified Professional Life Coach and author Sherri Gordon writes that telling others about your experiences is one of the crucial steps toward healing from mistreatment. “It’s important to remember that speaking up about what is happening can help,” she claims. “[A] network of healthy friends and confidantes will help you feel less lonely and isolated. They also can speak truth into your life and help you put things into perspective.”
People who know that someone is living in a difficult home situation, like the victim’s neighbors, friends, family members, or even coworkers, are often the first line of defense. According to the experts at the nonprofit SafeHouse, community awareness is essential.
“When individuals know how to identify the signs of [mistreatment] and feel empowered to act, they can intervene before the situation escalates.”
A home where a young adult child doesn’t feel welcome and gets kicked out for days at a time isn’t a safe home. His mother may have a hard time fully understanding her situation or feel like she doesn’t have any options. But support can come from people like this Redditor – an empathetic mother that is willing to listen.
It became clear that the son wanted to spend less time at home because the father was mistreating the family emotionally
Most commenters thought the mother handled the phone call with grace and empathy
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