Research shows that cheating occurs in 20-30% of marriages. In most cases, cheaters do it with the people they know well: 53.5% of Americans said they cheated with a close personal friend, while 29.4% said it was a neighbor, friend, or a long-time acquaintance.
But this husband probably outdid all cheaters: he was unfaithful with his wife’s mother. What’s more, the affair was going on for more than 22 years, and if not for a happenstance, the wife might still be in the dark. Buckle in, Pandas, because this story is pretty wild: there’s narcissist mothers, DNA tests, uncles-turned-siblings, and reactions that may defy all common sense.
A woman found out her mother and husband were having an affair for 22 years
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In a twisted turn of events, both refused to take accountability and blamed the woman
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Narcissistic mothers see their daughters as rivals
Some commenters alluded to the mother possibly having narcissistic traits. How else would you explain a mother doing such a terrible thing to her own daughter? Aside from the horrible cheating secret, the woman also mentioned other traits that possibly point to her being toxic and a narcissist.
As clinical psychologist Ellen I. Carni, Ph.D. explained in a previous interview with Bored Panda, treating your child as a rival is a sign of a toxic mother. “This mother sees you as a rival, a threat,” she noted. “She compares herself to you to see who is smarter, thinner, prettier or more successful. She is often insecure about herself around you.”
As psychology and sociology researcher and author Shahida Arabi writes for PsychCentral, narcissistic mothers also devalue, criticize, and shame their daughters for their appearance or even prowess in bed. “If the narcissistic mother has histrionic tendencies, she may even seduce the friends of her children to demonstrate her superiority over her younger competition,” Arabi notes.
The mother in this story did both: she looked down on her daughter and called her names for becoming pregnant at 17 out of wedlock. “My other sisters and I have always taken the brunt of criticism and shame from her and my mom for being rebellious,” the woman wrote in a comment.
The author also alluded to being from a devoted religious background, and Arabi notes that in some cultures, where sexuality is more restricted, narcissistic mothers try to stifle or punish their daughters for not being abstinent.
“Empathic mothers are attuned to the emotional welfare of their children; narcissistic mothers represent a perversion of the maternal instinct,” Arabi points out.
Some studies show that genetics can play a role in a person’s level of fidelity
The mother presented a pretty ridiculous excuse: the cheating gene just runs in the family and the women are bound to cheat on their husbands sooner or later. While her claim is pretty nonsensical and was probably just used to deflect from her own blame, it does touch upon an interesting idea. How much influence do nurture and nature have when it comes to infidelity?
The answer is more complicated than just a simple “yes” or “no.” But scientists believe that biology does play a role in our predisposition towards infidelity. As Justin Garcia, an evolutionary biologist and researcher at the pioneering Kinsey Institute at Indiana University explains, we’re not prisoners of our biology. “But it does explain why some people wake up with somewhat different motivations in these areas than other people,” he notes.
This is the gist of it: during the act, our bodies produce the hormone vasopressin. It gives us pleasure and strengthens our social bonds. The location and sensitivity of hormone receptors is decided by our genetics, so, our genes can essentially dictate whether we’re pleasure-seekers or not.
A 2014 study by Australian researchers also studied twins and siblings to find out if their fidelity patterns are similar. Surprisingly, identical twins had identical levels of fidelity, while fraternal twins and other siblings exhibited varying levels of fidelity.
The author of the study, Brendan Zietsch, even calculated how much genes might influence one’s predisposition towards infidelity. He suggests that for men, 63% of variation in traits can be related to intimate behavior, while for women it’s 40%.
Research also suggests that a variant of the DRD4 gene might make people more inclined to have one night stands and be unfaithful. Binghamton University in New York researcher Justin Garcia told Glamour that this variant motivates us to engage in such behavior.
“The motivation seems to stem from a system of pleasure and reward, which is where the release of dopamine comes in. In cases of uncommitted [intimate act], the risks are high, the rewards substantial and the motivation variable—all elements that ensure a dopamine rush.”
The researchers claim that a person could still be madly in love with their partner, but look for that dopamine fix by hooking up with randos.
The husband had the gall to accuse the wife of cheating: “None of that is true,” she wrote
“I want nothing to do with her,” the woman said about her mother
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