You’ve likely heard this quote from Shakespeare’s The Merchant of Venice: “The sins of the father are to be laid upon the children.” It pertains to ancestral sin, in which children may suffer the consequences of their parents‘ actions in some way. 

Many millennials, however, are going against this belief. They have vowed not to repeat the same mistakes their folks committed, which have caused them a great deal of trauma, pain, and sadness. 

These people candidly shared their experiences in this recent Reddit thread. It covered a range of topics, from body shaming and forcing religion to sensitive issues like alcoholism. If you want to share anything, the comment boxes below are yours!

#1

Constantly offload the problems in their relationship on their children.

jormundgand20:

My mother still does this to my brother and I. At 13 I shouldn’t have been playing therapist to a grown woman.

She’s now a quad-divorcee. She’ll probably die unmarried, and I can’t help but feel she’s envious of my much better marriage. Someone asked me why my marriage was so good. I said “I learned how NOT to be from my mother. I just do the exact opposite of what she did. Works great.”

Relationships shouldn’t be hard, at least not all the time.

Image credits: the-bumping-post

#2

Stay in a failing, toxic, horrible marriage.

Kramanos:

Staying married despite hating each other. My Mom is so much happier since my Dad died. It’s sad to think he never got the chance to be happy without her in his life.
They could have been two rad happy people, but no, religious convictions about divorce took that possibility away.

Image credits: Brotega87

#3

1. Talk negatively about my body.
2. S**t shame my daughters.

Embarrassed_Edge3992:

My dad used to call me names and make fun of my weight when I was a teenager. He thought he could shame me into losing it. It did not work, in fact, it did the opposite.

slightlysadpeach:

Emotional ab*se is mine too, mixed in with a sprinkling of physical. I’d never put a child through that and it’s a huge reason I’m low contact now. I am still f**ked up by how mean my parents were to me.

Image credits: Maleficent_Onion4133

#4

Keeping my yard looking like a golf course. I’m not going to spend half my day off trying to impress people I don’t know with something that I don’t find too impressive in itself. Besides, a “yard” is not sustainable when treated that way!

Image credits: Aggravating-Dig2022

#5

Talk bad about my spouse in front of my kids, or air any marital disputes with them.

Image credits: Always_Reading_1990

#6

Bar my future kids from dyed hair or piercings.

I’d probably still make them wait until 18 for tattoos but that’s more for brain development/maturity rather than ‘you’re not allowed to because I hate alternative looks’.

Image credits: Such-Swimming2109

#7

My parents were very disengaged from my education. I’d like to be more invested in the education of any children I have.

Image credits: Sage_Planter

#8

Compare siblings. Especially when one has high functioning autism and does extremely well academically, and the other has ADHD and goes to school to socialize. Because I am only having one.

Image credits: isitrealholoooo

#9

Backhand compliments. Till this day I still remember when my dad said what you think you will graduate. Good luck! thanks dad.

Image credits: Karma_has_entered_

#10

Spanking, forcing my kid to eat food they don’t like, withholding food for any reason, forcing my kid to let adults touch them.

Image credits: theGoddex

#11

Talk to my children like they are my therapist. When I was a kid I knew way too much about the personal struggles my mom faced and I felt responsible for fixing them. I have horrendous anxiety to this day and always feel like it’s my job to fix her problems.

Image credits: girl_in_flannel

#12

Get into petty fights while on vacation and spending the rest of the vacation mad at each other. Seriously: every vacation memory from my childhood is of nothing but petty squabbles, and the first vacations I took as an adult without my parents seemed strange without some stupid petty drama ruining them.

Image credits: MNcatfan

#13

Treat my own child as a burden.

steffie-flies:

I never understood this logic. My parents had three before adopting me, and they hated all of us. I mean, why didn’t you stop at the first if you realized it wasn’t working?

Image credits: HighVibes87

#14

Force them to go to church.

hellabills14:

I really wish my grandmother taught me how to cope with life’s trauma effectively instead of going to church twice a week.

Image credits: Fatbeard2024

#15

Work away too much.

OrganizedSprinkles:

This!!! My parents both worked about 60 hours a week with commute. It’s great they have a lot of money for retirement, but never got to come to my games. Now I’m overcompensating by being my kids leads in sports and scouts, but still trying not to hover too much. It’s tough to balance making money and making time for the kids, and like 5 minutes for yourself.

Image credits: Haramdour

#16

Fear-based parenting.

CurbsideChaos:

My (34f) mother (69f) told me last year, in our first true conversation in years, that her and my father hit me when I was a kid because they “didn’t know what else to do”.
And my siblings (who did not receive said punishment) wonder why I’m no contact with my parents.

Image credits: White_eagle32rep

#17

Moralize food and eating and fat shame them. I also don’t plan on cheating on my husband.

Image credits: loveafterpornthrwawy

#18

Implant my fears and anxieties onto my child. Just because I can’t handle something doesn’t mean they can’t try if they want to. They can find their own limits and establish their own comfort zone.

Own-Emergency2166:

My 20s were basically a decade of “am I actually afraid of this or is it just one of my mother’s fears?”

Image credits: Riccma02

#19

1. Openly complain about finances in front of my children

2. Compare their academic performance to their peers or scream that a B- means they’ll be some kind of lifelong loser

3. Push college in any way.

Image credits: 3CatsInATrenchcoat16

#20

Belittle my kids. Being condescending is not the way.

Image credits: JustAnotherGoddess

#21

Say things to my kids I don’t know to be 100% true. I can think of so many examples of things my parents told me that I later found out to not be true. It’s ok to tell your kids you don’t know something rather than just make up some bs.

#22

Smoking is the big one. I remember as a kid waking up before my parents, and I always knew when they woke up because I could smell the smoke from my room. It was absolutely disgusting. I’m so glad smoking indoors has become mostly obsolete (at least where I live) because there was nothing worse than being bombarded with the smell of cigarette smoke any time you walked into a restaurant or the house of a heavy smoker.

#23

Shaming my sons for dressing flamboyantly. Not in a hateful homophobic way but in a way where there are “protecting” me from being bullied by non existent bullies.

#24

Yelling.

Unless my child has wandered off and is about to step in front of a moving car (like in Stephen King’s book Pet Sematary) I don’t see the need to yell at a child. I’ve yelled at kids before, and it is always when their about to touch a burning stove or they’ve climbed at the top of the swings and decide to jump off…. lol.

^ those are protective, guttural, paternal, instinctive yells. Like screaming *”FIRE!”* when you see a fire.

Yelling at your child, so close to their face, they can feel your spit – just because they left crumbs on the counter is abusive and there is NEVER reason or justification for that. If you are that wound-up, or your nervous system is on high alert that a drop of the hat makes you scream, you need to see a doctor. Its not normal behavior.

#25

When I was very young I got an allowance every week, $5 to me and $5 to a bank account.

At some point, when I was probably 7 or 8, my mom went on an adults only trip to Disneyland with her parents and siblings. My mom brought me back some Winnie the Pooh pencils and a Mickey Mouse cup. That’s what my money bought me, she spent every single penny that was in my bank account to fund her trip. My dad had no idea and thought her family paid for the trip. We were poor so there was no way my dad could replace the money and my allowance ended after that.

As an adult it’s something my dad and I will randomly joke about (my parents are divorced now and can’t stand each other) but as a kid it hurt to know that not only did I not get to go to Disneyland but all of my money was also gone.

#26

I worked my whole summer when I was 15. I saved up around $1500 and my dad opened a bank account for me and put my money in there. I never touched it after that, didn’t even know how to access it if I wanted to.

3 years later I’m starting college and I’m at the bookstore getting my textbooks for my first semester. I call my dad and ask him if he wouldn’t mind helping me buy the books and he said “You’re 18 now, I’m done!” I was like, “WTF?! Well then let me get my money from my account.”

He says “What money? You spent it all” I asked when and he said every time he asked me if I wanted something like shoes or a jersey he was using that money to buy it. Sounds like b******t to this day. Either way he said the money was gone.

That is one thing I will **Never Ever** do, especially to my kid. F**k them over and spend their money.

#27

Being an alcoholic. Not allowing my kid certain foods like sugar or white bread. I think everything is ok in moderation but they wouldn’t allow it and when I moved out it set me up for bad eating habits because suddenly I could eat whatever I wanted. Also staying with my spouse if things are bad solely for the purpose of keeping the family unit in tact until everyone finished high school. It was so toxic.

#28

• Comment on my daughter’s weight/force her to diet. I wasn’t actually that chubby – but I sure as s**t ate all the s**t I wasn’t allowed to when I got to university and wasn’t under anyone’s control anymore.

• smack my kid. Especially with that goddamn bamboo cane they had. They always deny using it, but I definitely remember being caned on the a*s a number of times…

Does my kid eat especially well? No, she eats like garbage, because *she’s autistic, and the generational pickiness over food is actually an autistic trait*. But, she eats more fruits and vegetables than me or my brother did. She also isn’t terrified of dinner time, because I just suck it up and roll her the hotdog, cucumber, and carrot sushi she will actually eat.

Does my kid misbehave? Yes, an absolutely normal kid amount. There’s no malice, but she is an absolute goofball, and is still learning boundaries – what she is absolutely not, is a fawning people-pleaser like her undiagnosed autistic mum (me) was. She has more confidence than I did, and will just go out there and try things. She’s also really bright, because she has been brought up to ask questions and know that it’s ok to ask questions.

Do I think I am a perfect parent? Lol, no. I know she will look at my parenting and have her own opinions, and she will likely try something different if she chooses to have a kid one day. But, I am trying something wildly different from what my parents did, and it’s all a learning curve.

#29

1. Have kids. My mom did not want to be a mother, but had me anyway. She never made it a secret that she didn’t want to have me. Fortunately, my dad is AMAZING. I had my dad and my grandparents, but the damage was done. I swore when I was very, very young that I would only have a kid if I absolutely, positively wanted one. That point never came.

2. Possibly not get married, and if I do I will not stay in a truly unhappy marriage. My parents stayed together way longer than they should have. It was horrible to be in the middle of.

#30

My dad was convinced that spending any positive time with me equated to “being my friend.” I just wanted to spend time with him. He worked nonstop and was on call most of my life. I dont remember him taking a break ever. And if he did, he would not spend time with me.

I will play with my kids, I will partake in their hobbies and listen to their poorly told stories. I will make the memories I wish he would have made with me even if they bore me to tears. I just want to make sure my kid knows I want to be more than a paycheck in their lives.

#31

Have children when I can’t financially or emotionally support them.

#32

Let work absorb you even outside of working hours and not even expect to be rewarded for the effort. I fundamentally don’t get this blind loyalty to a company that will never return it.

#33

Pressure them to get perfect grades. Yeah, you should try but you don’t have to be the *best.*.

#34

Conditional love.

I’ve finally realized the source of my excruciating perfectionism, which is my parents only showing love/ affection/ approval of me if I did the right thing.

My kids will know they are loved no matter what.

#35

Force a cult of Christianity onto my child.

#36

Leave and not talk to my kid for 20 years.

#37

Turn every single emotion into rage and then project that rage to every person in my home, making their lives miserable and causing them to walk on eggshells every second of every day.

#38

Gonna be graphic here but I’ll never ab*se my kid or make sexual things be the forefront of their life. My looks, my body and who I could/would like to be with was a constant conversation and mix of shaming and pushing.

I was s*x trafficked from a young age. Sexual things were always discussed around me. It’s hard to get it off my own mind and I will never do it to my kid.

#39

Well I’m childfree by choice so that’s one thing. They passed on their generational trauma and had kids without considering how they would be as parents and the fact that babies grow into children who have needs besides basic food shelter clothing. They considered the only definition of success to be very traditional: get married, own a house, have babies and expect them to fend for themselves.

#40

Pressure my kid into getting into a heterosexual marriage immediately after college, so they “have enough time” to have multiple kids.

#41

They owned a bar. It destroyed their lives. I want no part of owning a bar, or any small business at all. Kudos to those that do, but it was rough. They never recovered.

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