There’s no such thing as a perfect parent, but there are definitely some that come pretty close. Unfortunately, there are also those who are the complete opposite – toxic parents.

It’s no secret that toxic parenting can have a lasting effect on a child’s self-esteem and can even lead to mental health issues later on in life.

So when someone wondered “What is a sign of toxic parenting?” on Ask Reddit, it was destined to turn into an illuminating read about the ways people can tell if their parenting methods do more harm than good.

Below we wrapped up some of the most interesting and thought-provoking responses, so scroll down. And let us know what you think are the signs of poor parenting in the comment section below!

#1

When they constantly invalidate your feelings.

Image credits: Hot_Comfortable_6373

#2

Always believing they’re right because they’re the adult and therefore not letting the child have any say.

Image credits: rhi_x

#3

Not being allowed to make mistakes and constantly being shouted at for them

Image credits: sami2503

#4

Kids who feel like nothing they do is good enough or they can’t do anything right. Their parents have told them they are stupid or useless so often they have started to believe it.

Image credits: rowenaravenclaw0

#5

Never actually teaching your kids anything, just criticizing, “I told you so” and “because I said so”

Image credits: eveningspliff

#6

Being unable to apologize, setting and enforcing standards they themselves don’t follow

Image credits: 19whale96

#7

Guilt tripping your kids into begging for your forgiveness.

“I bet you wish I was dead”, “Nothing I do is ever good enough for you”, etc.

Image credits: mystixlosz

#8

Parents who press their personal beliefs and practices upon their children. Maybe your daughter doesn’t want to wear dresses all the time. So what? Maybe your son doesn’t want to be the doctor that you weren’t able to be. Okay… So?

For example, my parents are very religious and everything would be about religion and honoring God; yet, the ironic thing is, that my parents are extremely abusive- physically, verbally, mentally, and emotionally. Don’t force beliefs upon your children. Widen their perspective. Show them what’s out there. And let them make their own decisions. Don’t yell at them or hurt them if they’re not doing it *your* way.

Image credits: tessa_simone

#9

Any form of hitting and calling it “discipline”
It’s not it’s straight up abuse and it traumatizes your children I know cause I was raised off it and guess who I cut out of my life.

Image credits: artmysticgamer

#10

Insisting you know your kids’ mind better than they themselves do. Proclaiming what they experience, feel, think, and intend. Being dismissive or condescending when they try to speak for themselves.

Seeing your child as identical to you or an extension of you (“twinning”), and going around bragging about this.

Not acknowledging or neglecting their emotions.

Blaming their children for what are natural reactions to the parent’s behaviour. (A similar dynamic “When he looks in the mirror and sees his dirty face, he tries to wash the mirror.”)

Image credits: LeisurelyLoner

#11

Openly having favorites among their kids.

Image credits: Tyrannical_Pie

#12

Emotional manipulation and gaslighting.

Image credits: HindoHandoHondo

#13

Telling you to take responsibility without giving you freedom. Responsibility is only possible if you have the freedom to make the wrong choice but choose to make the right one.

Image credits: TheMetaReport

#14

A young obese child

#15

Giving up on your kid. If they’re experiencing hard times like failing in school, or engaging in unsafe sexual activity and you just don’t even try to help them at all. You just go oh well guess they want to fail.
Putting thier love life 1st. Whatever new bf comes along you better hope they like you/kids or you’ll just be sitting in your room till the next one comes along

Image credits: MrsUnicornRainbow81

#16

Personally, my father once said that it “wasn’t his job to care about how I felt” because he’s not a female. Note, that this was immediately after I told him I wanted to live with my mom and when he asked me why (after throwing a chair at me and cussing me out) and I told him a multitude of reasons but the main one was the fact that I felt like my feelings were ignored and as long as I was cared for monetarily I didn’t matter. The same man who refused to let me talk to my mom outside of the weekend visits we had every other weekend.

And now, I might as well be incapable of healthily expressing my feelings.

So, tldr: Totally invalidating a child’s feelings because the parent is convinced that they only need to care for a child physically.

Image credits: Junko_Trash

#17

Promising your kids something, and not following through. This happened about a year ago. I used to have extreme warts on my face and legs. My mom promised me a hundred bucks if I could stop picking at and ruining my face (two red flags already), and promised my brother a hundred bucks to grow out his buzzcut. Weeks pass, and I douse my face in apple cider vinegar. After about three months of scabs on my face, and waiting for the vinegar burns on my face, I had glass skin. During the three months, my brother’s buzzcut had grown out and his hair looked great, so he got his money. I asked my mom for my money and she responded with:

“Clara, I already spent a lot of money dying your hair purple. Don’t be spoiled.”

My hair was no longer purple. A year and a half before this situation, I had lost all my friends, and nobody was really interested in hanging out with me, so my mom suggested getting my hair dyed, and I was SO excited, so of course, I gave in.

By no means is my family running short on money, I think my mom just didn’t feel like it.

Image credits: caterpilar15

#18

When the kids are all in activities they hate because its what the parents want them to do. Living their life over through their kids.

Image credits: Hopalicious

#19

Helicopter parenting

Image credits: lostdoomer

#20

I have a personal experience with my toxic parents:

* Undermining everything good thing you have done in your life
* Making unfair comparisons
* Being cruel to your out of a twisted sense of justice
* Acting immoral but holding your children to an unrealistic standard
* Turn other family members against you
* Spying on you
* Cursing you and hoping you suffer when they don’t get their way
* Strategically using weaknesses against you in a middle of argument
* Speaking negatively about you behind your back
* Breaking their promises
* Feeling entitled to your money
* Dumping their debts and problems on your shoulders
* Call you vile names and yet still demand you owe them something
* Using religion as sword and shield against you
* Reminding you how much you owe them

Image credits: RecalcitrantMonk

#21

I’ve met a lot of messed kids whose divorced parents would use them as an outlet to rip on the other parent, and try and pit the kid against the other parent. It makes you question who’s really acting like the child here.

Image credits: manlikerealities

#22

When children aren’t allowed to have boundaries under the guise of ‘’you shall have respect for your elders/parents/family’’

Image credits: misssandyshores

#23

Parents not understanding kids have bad days to. They may not have a bad day like an adult would, but to their little minds they can get just as overwhelmed as we can mentally.

Image credits: minimomma1989

#24

Constant criticism of choices

Image credits: anon

#25

Raising your child in an unhealthy manner then expecting them to suddenly become the opposite when they get older, and if they don’t, blaming them for it. I feel like I see this a lot with dependence/independence: a parent does everything for/with their child then expects them to suddenly become completely independent at a certain age. Of course there are normal steps a person needs to take on their own during any major life transition (e.g. when transitioning from being dependent to independent/becoming an adult), but in this case, a parent putting all this pressure on the child alone seems a bit toxic to me.

Others are being overprotective and expecting your child to support you financially/emotionally (nothing wrong with caring for family, but it becomes toxic when 1) a parent starts guilting their child for not doing so and 2) a parent starts e*xpecting* their child to do so on a regular basis).

Image credits: Equal_Context_81

#26

Comparing your kid to someone else’s or vice versa

Image credits: TheStrangestAverage

#27

Refusing to let them grow up. My Mom did this with me and I see it in kids I babysit.

It’s one thing to enjoy the occasional sick cuddles. It’s another thing to keep them in diapers because you don’t want your baby to grow up

Image credits: Paciem

#28

Telling your child to do something, then getting mad when they do it wrong.

One time my mom made me fold her laundry, then got mad at me because one her shirts was inside out.

I think about that every time I fold clothes now…

Image credits: Nickynui

#29

Threaten your child with abandonment and unemployment just because they refuse to pick the major you want them to study.

#30

Denying the child any privacy because “they only want the best for them” and “they have a right to know”

concrete examples include going over my trash and placing it on my desk, opening letters without permission, copying over all my phone contacts and actually using those numbers on non-emergencies

#31

Getting your kids to pick sides in your broken marriage

#32

1)You feel your accomplishments don’t matter.

2) you are over sensitive to minor changes in other people’s emotions

3) you get startled pretty easily

4) you people please to the extent that it hurts you

5) you think your emotions don’t matter

6) you over compensate

7) the thought of even a day without them is relaxing

8) you have a problem with setting boundaries

Image credits: nukeDworld

#33

As a teacher, calling your teenage horrible person of a son or daughter a “baby.”

How is a fifteen year old sociopathic teen a baby? They’re about three years away from being charged as an adult for the f****d up things they do to others, two in some states. Yet some parents show up to school trying to justify and cover for their “babies,” even if we have video footage of them committing crimes like damaging property or stomping out another student for petty reasons.

Sometimes they even brutally attack teachers, and parents first words will still, “you have to understand our baby has been through so much.” I don’t have to understand s**t once that line is crossed and no baby could do that to another person. So, something is very wrong with a lot of parents in our society. Just FYI. This is a recurring pattern we see every year.

#34

When my cousins step brother traveled upon arrival he had to call his mom, his grandmom, then their minister/priest. Each call took about an hour. The call to the priest was to confess any impure thoughts he had while driving alone.

This was for any drive over an hour. If he didn’t do this he faced punishment. The guy was 26 When he moved out.

Image credits: suitology

#35

If the kid is “mature for their age”, they are being severely neglected emotionally and most likely already have deep psychological scars.

Image credits: KailTheDryad

#36

1. If your life at home is supposed to be some kind of secret to the outside world, it is toxic.

2. If your parents say no to basic things like shoes and clothing or even a special toy you ask for on holidays “because I say so” or “we can’t afford that” but then turn around and shower themselves with collectables, clothing and shoes, that’s toxic.

3. Weird financial stuff. For example, my mom made me pay for a car, behind my dad’s back, and then made me give the car back when I got married. When I reminded her she made me write her checks, she said “oh that was just to use the car!” Another thing was when I finished paying off my student loans, I found out my mother had pocketed MY refund checks. She had always said there was no refund.

4. When they discourage age appropriate milestones. Like having friends, learning to drive, etc.

5. If they make you be around people who clearly make you uncomfortable. Like relatives who were inappropriate towards you, but it’s a holiday so don’t make us uncomfortable. Run.

6. When they make your feelings out to be a total inconvenience.

….I think that covers the last few years of things I discovered in therapy….

#37

Don’t know if you call it toxic, but scolding your kid for behaviours that you as an adult regularly fall into. Eg being moody/irritable when tired or hungry or after a bad day…

#38

Parentification

#39

they remove the door to your room.

#40

The belief that your children belong to you, that they are beneath you and your property. That because you brought them into this world, you are owed respect. Respect and trust are gained, they are not owed.

#41

Thinking that asking a question is arguing

#42

“Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about”
“I gave up so much for you and this is how you repay me , by being a little whining brat”
“Sometimes I wish I never had you , why can’t you be like *friends name* who is always behaving politely and respectfully ”
“Why don’t you go and live with *friends name* and their parents. Maybe they will teach you some manners , once you have you can try try speak to me again”

Had this a lot during my childhood

#43

Invalidating your identity and life choices.

#44

My mom made me have an insane distrust in anyone around me. I always have to have some sort of dirt on ever close friend i have. This is because my mom will promise that things i deeply care about wont be taken from me, but when she wants me to behave, she will take them. She will manipulate me, gaslight me. Say that i expect her to be perfect when i only expect her to uphold her promises. I cant trust anything or anyone around me anymore. I *need* a way to destroy someones life to trust them. Just in case they try to ruin mine. I hate that. I have only realized this recently. Im 13. Im 13 and i dont have any real trust in anyone because of her. I cant get therapy. Im stuck.

#45

Babying them as teens so they have to work harder to become successful adults.

#46

Telling their kids that they have to finish EVERYTHING on their plate, even if they get nauseated or throw up as a result.

#47

Being strict, for the sake of being strict.

There’s nothing wrong with strictness in and of itself. It’s a good thing IF it produces more productivity, fulfillment, and efficiency. is it keeping everybody happy? Is it keeping everybody active and productive? Is it flexible?

It becomes a problem when the strictness serves no purpose, or only serves to keep people on their toes, or make them think they’re walking on thin ice all the time.

#48

Ruin your reputation around people to get their attention and sympathy

#49

Victim blaming, only seeing the wrong things and ignoring the accomplishments and good and such

#50

Infantilizing your kid. After a point it’s insulting and degrades their sense of autonomy. Even worse when they become an adult LOL

#51

Knowing whose footsteps are whose.

Perfect lying skills

The only copping mechanism you know is “suck it up, it’s not that bad”

Having zero social skills

Feeling like the slightest mistake makes you a mistake

#52

not being able to be honest, having to distance yourself, yelling at you as communicating

#53

I have a friend (let’s call Judy) who is literally surveilled by her parents 24/7. We are both 17/18 and yet our lives are so different.

The first time I met Judy’s parents at a competition we were both apart of. Both of Judy’s parents were Veterans who fought in Afghanistan (her father even losing a leg!) although the competition was a good 100 miles away and the bus could only take students, her parents showed up and were on her like a HAWK.

The competition was on a college campus and we were limited to where we can and couldn’t go. But overall, a good square mile. When we got off the bus, Judy took out her flip phone and found that her parents called her 5 TIMES from just the bus ride. When they arrived, they would follow Judy and I around 6ft behind not giving her any privacy. What was also really weird was the obsessive amount of pictures her mother wanted to take of her even when she wasn’t comfortable. She was able to sneak away and eat lunch with us in peace but her mother was furious.

Prom was a complete disaster. We were having a wonderful time before I was getting a little hot and stepped out for a breath of fresh air. HER MOTHER WAS GUARDING THE DOOR WATCHING HER DAUGHTER. Seriously? It’s prom! They check our bags before we go in!

The most delinquent thing I’ve ever seen Judy do is put on her rings at school because her parents didn’t like them. She’s a straight A student and was stellar in the competition we were in. Toxic parenting is refusing your child to be independent and have a break for crying out loud!

#54

Narcissism

How can a child gain self-esteem, confidence and strong will if the parent is diminishing their achievements while comparing themselves to their children as someone who’s doing more and better?

#55

If you feel like you can’t be open and honest with them, even over things that are not bad.

#56

Just being unnecessarily angry at the most inconsequential things that kids are bound to do. They’re kids, they’re bound to do dumb s**t or bound to make a mess or break things.

Yes there’s discipline and what not to teach them right from wrong, but I’ve lost count of how many parents I’ve seen over the years totally lose their cool and just lash out at their small kids like “oh my god what is wrong with you! Why did you do that!!?” etc etc.

I just think to myself, dude how old are you again? You’re an adult (and a parent) and you still haven’t learned to productively control and manage your emotions?

I get it, raising kids is tough. But damn at least set a good example in terms of conflict resolution and all.

#57

Treating kids like they aren’t supposed to have emotions

#58

I will say one that might feel s bit controversial

For me it’s pulling the “Fred and George Weasley”, what I mean is having twins and raising them as if they are the same person, not caring about them having different characters and having do everything together just because they are siblings and look alike. One wants to start playing basketball? the other one has to go aswell. I think you get the idea

#59

When a parent refuses to believe you after presenting loads of irrefutable proof.

#60

Micromanaging their kids to suit other peoples’ opinions of the parent. Basically the classic “What will other people say/think?”

Really can mess a kid up and perpetuate people pleasing tendencies and a lack of identity

#61

Modeling poor coping mechanisms and then being surprised and angry that the kids mirror their poor coping mechanisms.

Expecting their kids to know how to do something that they never taught them.

Discouraging/shaming a child for being themselves

#62

Holding you back because they’re too scared for you to not need them bc they “love” you

#63

Constantly passing your kids off to family members you know hate them because you can’t be bothered (thanks, sperm-donor).

#64

The “I guess I’m just a bad parent” line

#65

Giving the child absolutely everything and anything they ever want, unable to say no.

Sure, give them things, but not everything. This isn’t nice, it spoils them and doesn’t teach them any value of earning things and then you get teens/young adults who feel they’re entitled to everything.

#66

Any sort of adept knowledge from their child about doing something sneakily. My parents have always been very strict about what I wore not only out in public, but even just hanging out with friends at their houses. I have since become a master at fashionably layering and they were never the wiser. All extremely strict parenting does is teach kids how to be stealthy and break rules without getting caught.

#67

Farming your children off to a long line of au pairs and other substandard help, all of whom get sent away and replaced so the children don’t form a steady bond with anyone. If you’re going to have someone help raise your child, make sure it’s someone consistent and decently skilled that you can keep around in the long term.

On that note, failing to treat the people raising your children with respect.

#68

Having punishments not fit the offence, if I forgot to do the dishes having my phone taken away is not a valid punishment

#69

when they say “i never said that you made that up” when i told my mom how she doesn’t let me go out with friends or even have male friends. ☹️

#70

authoritarian need for control over their children. Belittling and nasty psychological warfare that gets personal for no reason. “I’m your parent not your friend” mentality.

#71

“I cleaned your poop and fed you everyday selflessly” Bro you decided to have a kid and didn’t know that babies don’t start using the loo as soon as they’re born?

#72

Letting your children get away with certain behavior without any reprisal or discipline, and then suddenly going total apes**t one time for them doing what they’ve always thought was okay to do.

#73

Yelling at your kid for backtalking when they’re really just having an opinion.

#74

S**t my dad has said to me growing up were definitely red flag toxicity. S**t like “Your grampa embarrassed me in public growing up, now it’s my turn!” and “I think your friend is gay, he better not make you gay!”

#75

There are many signs that can indicate toxic parenting, but some of the most common ones include:

1. A parent who is constantly critical of their child, or who is quick to anger.

2. A parent who is overly involved in their child’s life, to the point of being intrusive.

3. A parent who is excessively controlling, or who attempts to micromanage their child’s life.

4. A parent who is emotionally abusive, either through their words or their actions.

5. A parent who is physically abusive, either through hitting, slapping, or other forms of violence.

If you see any of these signs in your own parenting, it’s important to seek help from a professional. Toxic parenting can have serious consequences for children, including low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and even behavioral problems.

#76

Saying NO to everything and not letting the kid have individuality.

If the kid has anxiety issues and wants to learn a skill that is taught outside of school – don’t just ask them to find out information about it. Help them by asking if they want your help by going along with them to find that said information.

Edit: adding to this. F**k all reward based mentality – like don’t put unnecessary pressure on your kid by bribing them with some sort of reward if they get good grades or if they hit a home run in a game. F**k your mentality!

#77

Lack of empathy and becoming hostile and physically/verbally abusive.

#78

Friend of mine once had a coworker (middle-aged female mom) whose daughter was studying to be a nurse. Mom routinely *did the daughter’s homework for her*.

I feel for whomever was subjected to daughter’s care.

#79

Comparing you to your other parent when you’re in an argument

#80

Justifying shi**y behaviour with “I’m only doing this because I care”.

#81

Punishing adult children when they don’t do everything you say by silent treatment or nasty texts. ..days later acting like nothing happened. Saying , “you never let go of things.”

#82

I *had* (past tense for many, many reasons) a friend and he and his then girlfriend/now wife were toxic as f**k with her kids (and I assume the one they have together now, too). Anytime the kids did anything they didn’t like, it was *immediately* yelling, belittling, threatening, or hitting. There was no in between, and it didn’t matter how minor the “infraction” was.

I once overheard my former friend ranting at one of his step daughters for a solid 10 minutes because she left a glass of water half finished on the table. The girl said she was going to get something out of the other room and was coming back, but he just turned that into “well you’re always leaving s**t all over the house so how the f**k could I know that?!”. She yelled back and that’s when he started threatening to whoop her with a belt and take away her things for “disrespecting” him. Step daughter was like 11 by the way. He was 33 and had only been with their mom for like 2 years at the time. Their mom is no better, I’d overheard her doing plenty of the same.

Those kids got a s**t set of parents.

#83

“What is mine is mine and what is yours is mine”

#84

Saying “I know” without knowing anything about the topic at all

#85

My parents are old and old fashioned and maybe this is part of it. But they pretend to care about my mental health and then they do stuff that destroys it. I have no coping skills. I dont know how to handle my emotions. Because of this I completely failed my first year of college. My dad is all, suck it up and go on with life.

#86

“You’re not depressed! What do you have to be depressed about? Your life is so easy compared to mine. All you do is go to school and see those little friends of yours. You’re not sleep deprived because of babies, You don’t have to revolve your life around other people! F**k you get to poop in place. So stop being an attention seeking drama queen/whore and know that your problems are NOT as bad as my problems and if you had REAL depression you wouldn’t be so happy when you saw your little friends! Oh and by the way, they hate your guts. I know this because…. (insert fake a*s reasons here) and even if they do like you – they don’t know the real you. They know the fake you, the one who pretends to be nice. But I know you better than all of them and I know what you’re REALLY like”.

#87

Saying you’re making stuff up and that you’re crazy when you point out the most of the mistakes/abuse the parent(s) caused.

Bonus points if they say they’re “nauseous,” and have to walk away when you’re finally proving them wrong. Double bonus points if they make a p**s poor acting job of puking.

#88

When your child has C-PTSD, and both of you are a major part of that for many reasons.

#89

unnecessarily raising their voice

#90

Idk if other parents do this but my mom does and it sounds toxic asf (here’s some backstory) apparently when me and my siblings were like real little kids we went to visit family in Alabama. There was some woman there, let’s call her J. Apparently she was like a married-in sibling to my dad or some s**t, and her mom (my grandma) would talk about her to my dad in front of my mom (stuff like “she’s a real pretty girl”.) Apparently this made my mom mad and it caused a lot of family drama (like they were considering divorce.) Now sometimes when my mom gets mad at me and my siblings she’ll say “I bet you wish you lived with J, you think she’d be a better mom than me.” Thing is I don’t even remember the woman. I haven’t seen her since I was like 4 and I’m almost 15 now. Idk man it sounds toxic to me

#91

Withholding food as punishment

#92

Smashing the kids electronics that the kid paid for with their own money

#93

Telling them “I feed you I raised you and kept a roof over your head” because they didn’t do something you wanted them to do.
That’s emotionally abusive and that’s literally the bare minimum you HAVE to do as a f**k parent.

#94

Seeing a parent getting mad or hitting a kid for wanting a toy or a piece of candy in the store… kids are supposed to like candy and toys what the hell did you expect from them

#95

My mom decided to move half way across the country for a pipe dream job she was fired from after less than a month. It came with housing and utilities. It was a nice effort, but not cutting your losses and moving back to the much less expensive state (WV to FL.) was just such s**t.

Not to mention that after moving around so much during my life because of my dad being in the military, we had finally settled down in WV. I had friends and I was very close to having my first girlfriend. (We both liked each other and we’re friends.) But no. We stayed in FL for 2 years barely scraping by while my sister slaved away with two jobs while my mom chased more pipe dream jobs that never worked out. We eventually cut it quits and moved back to WV and into my sister’s fiancé’s house. Still in WV and my life is going good again.

from Bored Panda https://ift.tt/SfMxrhn
via IFTTT source site : boredpanda