Sometimes, the rose-colored glasses one wears while in a relationship make it difficult to see certain things clearly. Things that can be quite damaging to the relationship or the person themselves. That’s because the so-called red flags become far less visible when looking through love-filled eyes, but significantly clearer once out of the relationship.

Members of the ‘Ask Women’ community recently opened up about the far-from-romantic situations their previous partners have put them in. The user ‘neonroli47’ asked them about manipulation tactics they have experienced in a relationship that they wanted to warn others about, and the women were more than willing to share. Scroll down to find their answers below and make sure to pay attention to the warning signs they point out.

#1

Be weary of people who subtly put down the little things you enjoy. Say you have a song that’s your favorite. If they don’t like it, and they don’t just say, “Eh, it’s not for me, but I’m glad you enjoy it,” but they say, “I have no idea how you could find that enjoyable, honestly,” or anything harsher that shows their utter disrespect for your hobbies or what you enjoy — this is the first step in slowly making you feel like everything you enjoy is just embarrassing and making you lack confidence in yourself.

This goes for the books you read, the clothes you wear, how you like your hair, the sports you play, the workouts you do, the type of dog you like, the pictures you like to hang on your wall.

Basically, I’m saying watch out for people who just put down your hobbies without attempting to actually engage with you about what you like/dislike about it.

Image credits: S_Rose24

#2

Picking fights on days/during events you are excited for.

Image credits: 2manytots

#3

“It was just a joke”

#4

A really common one is if he has a double standard for how you express disagreement with each other.

I work with a bunch of very blunt engineers and a bunch of very diplomatic administrators, so I tend to reflect the style of the person I’m speaking to — if your method of expressing disagreement with me is to say, “No, it’s Y,” when I said it’s X, then that’s how I’m going to speak when I disagree with you. Engineers don’t want to hear a bunch of flowery speech, and the administrators would like to be reminded we do actually possess diplomatic social skills when called for. It works.

But in dating, it’s a litmus test for problem men. The ones who seem the most reasonable, where it would take you years to find out they’re faking an entire personality to sucker you in, often fail right out the gate with this one. Pay attention to it. They’ll be direct or even blunt when expressing disagreement with you, but when you reflect the same style back at them, they get upset in some way, such as acting like you’re attacking them or picking a fight. It’s a dead giveaway that no matter how good an actor they might be, any pose of being a reasonable person is just that, an act.

#5

Men who refuse to wear condoms, and especially those who throw a nasty hissy fit when asked – they’re scary, they’re selfish, and reproductive coercion is sadly very common from men who wind up to be a***ive. If you ever encounter this, whether in a relationship or in a casual fling, please protect yourself by noping out of having him in your life.

Image credits: rezmc

#6

Gaslighting. To keep it short: I was with the sweetest boyfriend ever, but then one day he started acting like a completely different person. It made me feel anxious, but I completely believed it was all in my head. I even went to therapy, and every time I asked him if something was up, he’d say I was imagining things and that everything was fine.

I’ll leave out the details because we’re not supposed to derail, but turns out I was 100% right, and let him drive me into madness and depression for 3 months before realising it. Trust your intuition. If you feel something is off, and your partner waves it off, that’s not ok.

#7

isolating you from your friends and family

Image credits: Suitable-Training928

#8

“If you truly loved me you would do xyz”

No.

#9

I haven’t dealt with this in a relationship, but anyone who implies you’re a prude for having whatever sexual boundaries are good for you, is trying to manipulate you out of having those boundaries.

In general, if anyone ignores your boundaries of ANY sort, or tries to talk you out of having them, they’re going to be stressful AF to have in your life. My life immensely improved when I began cutting out anyone, old college friends I was still close to, partners etc, who behaved this way.

#10

Goalpost moving. Feels so s****y jumping through hoops for promises of something they actually never intend to give you, and they get to sit back and get all the benefits of having you without having to do anything for it.

Image credits: Kyaspi

#11

Weaponized incompetence is the main one.

Image credits: tawny-she-wolf

#12

Feeding you breadcrumbs and when you try moving on, he starts giving you pieces of the loaf and acting like he changed, only to start feeding breadcrumbs again after he knows he got you.

Image credits: a_weird_pickle

#13

“Im a mess, you deserve better” while looking at you with puppy eyes and doing nothing to be what you deserve.

Image credits: onlytexts

#14

If your gut feels off, as in, he loves you and is the sweetest man you have ever met, but you always feel lonely and struggle feeling loved by him, then stop listening to all words. Keep a diary of actions. Then ask yourself if that is how you wish to be treated. If the relationship is doing what you want in life. Usually it isn’t. Too many men say pretty things while you feel awful inside about how things are actually going. Pretty lies to smooth things over so nothing ever changes, gets deeper, proceeds further, gets more real

Image credits: opinionatedlyme

#15

Love bombing is real.

They will eventually manage to alienate you, or think they have, from your friends and family.

They will try to financially control you and sell your possessions.

Image credits: indicatprincess

#16

Trying to hurt you emotionally to “teach you a lesson/show them you how they felt” when you do something to hurt them on accident, even if you’re already clearly sorry about it and didn’t realize. Worst part about my first relationship.

Image credits: PyroSilver

#17

Showing up when you’re out with friends. Possessiveness. Jealousy. ???

#18

Projection.

If they randomly start accusing you of stuff despite them having no proof or even reason as to why they are accusing you of something then it means that they are 100% doing it themselves. They want a reason to blame you to explain why they are doing what they are doing. Having doubts and insecurities are normal but if it’s a constant thing after giving reassurance then it might be time to start putting on your running shoes and get out of there.

#19

When he / she / they say they were going to do *insert cute thing* for you but didn’t. Whether they realize or not, it’s breadcrumbing and tricks you to think they actually did do that thing.

Example: I was going to bring you flowers the other day but I didn’t

Image credits: fuzach

#20

DARVO. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It can sometimes feel hard to distinguish this from a situation where both sides have legitimate grievances, and are trying to both explain why they feel the way that they do (which is healthy in a relationship) but I’ve found that a key difference is that in healthy relationships the other person is actually willing to hear you out, or try to empathize with your side. When it’s DARVO, in many cases they’ll accept no middle ground, no ‘we both messed up,’ just pure ‘I’m the victim and everything you did against me was wrong and evil.’

Image credits: AliceInWeirdoland

#21

Using therapy speak to their advantage.

I would try to talk to my ex about certain things he did that I found hurtful and he managed to turn it into me “disrespecting his boundaries” because he didn’t want to talk about it. So I just never got to talk about things that bothered me.

Also when I asked questions like “why don’t you come and visit me anymore?” or “why don’t we go on dates anymore?” He told me I was “gaslighting him” into thinking he was a bad boyfriend.

So many men will do anything other than be accountable or own up to things – so using therapy speak to make it seem like they are a victim is a sneaky tool they use.

(Would like to add that this is the same guy who would constantly try to have unprotected sex with me, no matter how many times I told him I didn’t want to and for him to stop asking. Yet I was the one who disrespected boundaries. ?)

#22

It really doesn’t matter if the person is fully aware of how manipulative selfish and unfair they’re being, or not. It doesn’t matter if they have a history of trauma (don’t we all??) and you understand why they are the way they are and you feel sympathy. It doesn’t matter if “they said they’ll change”. (They won’t really.) What matters is they are hurting you and you don’t deserve it. You deserve a healthy relationship with open communication and both people trying their best by the other bc they love each other, both people fully invested. Trying to make someone realize they are treating you badly and to stop, over and over again, isn’t that.

Image credits: Unhappy_Performer538

#23

Pretending they don’t know how to do basic things so you do them as a once-off again and again until it becomes habit and you realise that they didn’t want a girlfriend and rather a mom…

#24

Actions speak louder than tears.

#25

Taking control of finances, making large purchases without your input, suggest you work less so they can take care of you without you having access to the finances that you would be reliant on. Asking you to put something in your name for them or co-signing anything for them.

#26

Going days without talking and blaming you for not texting him bc apparently you are the one who has to initiate everything ?

#27

Makes it seem like they’re on the same page with you as to future goals but has no intention of following through. Is there a word for that?

Like I wanted kids, he said he wanted kids too. One pregnancy scare later and suddenly it’s ‘well I thought if I just put it off long enough we’d miss your fertility window and then it wouldn’t be an issue.’

#28

Something that doesn’t get mentioned too often is “future faking”.

This can involve making lots of sweet promises with no intention of keeping them or following through. These people tend to be expert sweet talkers too, and very good at getting a sense of what your hopes and dreams are in order to paint a rosy picture and hook you into a future fantasy that appeals to you JUST to get what they want in the present.

#29

Being really thoughtful and helpful to your family. But not being the same with you. And when you ask for it, they call you needy.

It helps them keep up appearances.

Also, triggering you into an argument around family. Usually by doing the opposite of what you agreed upon in private. So, no one is aware that they’ve set you off.

It makes you look unreasonable and, like you’re overreacting as your family doesn’t have the full context.

But they end up looking like a white knight.

#30

Here’s a thing: confusing generosity for thoughtfulness and security. I think there are a few things the majority of women (unbeknownst to them or not) look for in a mate/long term partner. One of them is security. We tend to put a greater value on his eagerness to provide than it deserves. You might have shared that you always wanted to see Greece- and for your birthday he gives you that experience youve longed for. You might be a single mom stretched thin between two kids and two full time jobs- then insists you reduce to part time hours cause “He’s got you”. Maybe you are living on a tight budget and bare minimum to hold your life together. Those gestures have great impact and are interpreted as empathetic, generous, and future-thinking. It makes us feel loved, well-minded, and in good hands. An honest man who puts you first. One who wants to lay down roots and grow with you. Some men are authentic to the core and are doing just that. But for some others, it’s a ruse to lure you in and keep you. It can be hard in the beginning to see the difference between the two. Unfortunately have a tendency to give those acts more credit than they deserve and **become more tolerant or forgiving of other consequential character flaws.** The number of women who become ensnared in a hurtful or a***ive relationship and cannot get out is staggering. I was here at one point in my life and it feels like imprisonment with means out. The lesson in this (that I share with my daughters today) is to stay mindful. Pay close attention to the man’s character outside of things and experiences his means can provide. Have a stream of independent income/employment for yourself, even if the hours are minimal. You’ll want to know you can land on your own two feet if you have to. And always, **always** keep a side stash savings as an escape fund ♥️

#31

I have been in a relationship where I was stalked, hurt, harassed and threatened for a long time. I will give you some things I noticed from the beginning. Just don’t be like my dumb a*s and make up an excuse because you think you are too harsh or whatever! – weird reaction when you say “no” – discussion about non-negotiable things – saying they will harm /  end themselves – will make everything extremely intense in the first months (actual healthy people will just want to get to know you) – make you feel like you can’t leave them already a week or a short time period in – talks bad about exes – mirrors you (healthy people will disagree with some things you say/ share their own views + won’t have every single thing in common) – lies about very small things – talks negative about your friends or family or will encourage negative talk about them when you are venting – isolates you – will only talk about how you make them feel / how special you are / all the good you do for them (don’t bring anything to the table themselves) – be aware of when you feel something is off and follow your intuition. Don’t make excuses for them. – tells you others think you’re overreacting too – has weird tantrums – makes you feel like you have to over-explain yourself or hint them about every single thing you’re doing in your day (healthy people will not ask you every minute what you are doing when you just met them) – talks bad about their friends – everything is everybody’s fault and they are the victim. You are the only one that can save them mentality. – will say you don’t care about them / you don’t love them / anything of that range when you are setting boundaries. – makes you feel as if you can’t say certain things because you know they will react aggressively (example: when you’re telling them you’re hanging out with a certain friend group doing something fun and from then on they start to ignore you, talk agressieve, straight up guilt trip you for doing something fun, etc) – will make you feel like you are the bad guy for doing completely normal things or setting boundaries. 

Image credits: chameleon93color

#32

-The “You are totally right for calling me out my bull so I’m just gonna ask “why do you hate me? To shut down the argument”

-The ” I’m gonna tell you everything you want to hear then do none of it”

-The “making a big song and dance about doing the bare minimum so I’ll be happy about it and not realise its the bare minimum”

And finally the famous

-The “Fine I just won’t eat” line when I refuse to cook on day 100 of me cooking.

As an adult I should have dumped this sorry excuse of a male so much earlier, I also should have allowed him to go with out eating, clean cloths ect because I wasn’t responsible for his basic adulting.

Never. Again.

#33

I had an ex who used to ask me to tell little lies that would make me look bad to other people to help him stay out of trouble or avoid embarrassment. It sounds awful written out like that but at the time it was always something minor where it seemed important to him and wasn’t a big deal to me so whatever. For example once we went with his family to a restaurant where they had belly dancers performing. Before we got there he said his family loved having the belly dancers go to him and it made him really uncomfortable. He asked me to wave it off by joking that it would make me jealous. Weird but fine, I did it in a joking way, everyone laughed, he avoided belly dancer induced embarrassment, life moved on. *Months* later, after he’d emotionally a***ed and cheated on me causing me to dump his a*s, he used that as an example to his family about how I was jealous and controlling and that’s why he had to break up with me. ? Like damn he really planned that well in advance! I never even suspected, but looking back the pattern was very clear. So if your partner ever wants you to make yourself look bad so he can avoid something, even if it seems super petty, just don’t. It’s probably perfectly innocent but then maybe they’re secretly a manipulative mastermind.

#34

Always being told they don’t want to fight or fuss anytime you bring up a an incident in which your feelings were hurt or you felt disrespected.

#35

I have learned, when someone asks you “what do you want in a relationship/partner” do not be too specific. They will just conform to whatever it is you told them, and it will take a lot longer for the “true them” to come out. I now tell people Im looking for someone “kind, motivated, empathetic, and an equal partner” This allows me not to waste my time. I also don’t “open” with super strong feminist ideals because they’ll just pretend to agree with you until they get tired. I dated a guy who literally play acted as this super progressive guy for New York, until he took me home to meet his parents and he told me he was a staunch Republican who believes there are just “differences” between men and women. He used the word alpha more than once in the conversation. I then found those weird manipulation/power books in his closet ? playing dumb for a few weeks can pay lol

#36

When you’re excited about a new thing/ want to pick up a new hobby- immediately putting you down eg ‚you won’t be doing it for long anyway‘ and similar. Small but meaningful.

Making you feel like you have to ask for their time and if you’re lucky, you’ll get it. Just remember: your time is equally valuable.

#37

love bombing

#38

Telling me “I put everything into this and all you did was play me for letting it drag on for this long” whenever you mention how unhappy you are with him.

Also weaponizing your insecurities and traumas against you in arguments

#39

Making you feel guilty for setting boundaries

#40

My first boyfriend used to tell me all about how rejection upsets him. How everytime someone told him no itd make him sad or disappointed. He wouldn’t bring it up everyday but just randomly so it would stay in my mind. I felt like I couldn’t turn him down for sex at all.

#41

Reverse Victim and Offender. Them: I need your help Me: No problem vs Me: Hey I need your help Them: Wow how could you pressure me to help you? Me: WTF?

Mirroring/Masking: During love bombing they mirror back your values and beliefs with juuuuuuust enough variation that it sounds like a real answer. Can only be defended against by not being such an open book and evaluating action not words

#42

Simply put: if someone does not love you for who you are in your core, don’t waste your time with that person.

#43

The most destructive thing that my ex did to hurt my self-esteem and confidence was lie to me about other people’s perception about me.

My ex and I went to the same school, but different streams. He was in commerce and I was in science. We had plenty of mutual friends and seperate friend groups. For example, My ex used to tell me how “the guys” thought that I was promiscuous because I was pleasant to men or how my female friends were talking behind my back because he heard it from one of the guys the girl was dating etc

This was my first relationship. He wasn’t treating me badly. So, I didn’t have any reason to mistrust him. I was very hurt and angry at my peers and thought how double faced they were. In retrospect, I know that it was my ex who was the snake.

#44

Not wanting to label the relationship for years
Inventing their own definitions of words
Making others feel sorry for them
Pretending to be poor for freebies
Pretending to be sick for freebies
Insurance fraud
Triangulation
Holding others to a standard you yourself cannot meet
Dropping bombs at inappropriate moments

#45

My ex would choose to tell me about very traumatic childhood events only on days that were special to me. The idea was to make me feel like a pos if I didnt cancel my plans to stay home and comfort/ be sad with him. He would do this on my birthday, any holiday I was excited about, anniversaries ect.

#46

Him wanting to see my phone every time a notification sounded.

#47

‘I don’t deserve you’
‘I don’t understand why you are still with me’
‘I hate how I treat you’

You will likely reply ‘ I love you’, ‘You do deserve me’. This validates them, it’s not about them being responsible for their actions, it’s about you having pity with them because they can’t treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

#48

What you need to feel loved isn’t “too much”

#49

Did something nice for me then stole from me and showed me what he took when we were apart (as if to say, come get this back), told everyone I was his gf without asking me, took pictures of us together and shared them with friends really early, kept commenting about certain things I was doing that were “not allowed” (like cooking certain foods), looked up my ex and told me he had coworkers who knew him (?), and googled me online and showed me the stuff he found (an old paper I wrote :/ )
I escaped one night at his house when I was like this guy is a creeeper, I was sick and left while hanging out watching tv. Never turned back.

#50

Meeting their kids way too early, end up only staying in it for the kids.

#51

Future faking. Don’t let him talk up a perfect “future” to try and get you to stay with him. Look at things for how they are right now. My ex would always say ‘one day I’m gonna do xyz for you” while ignoring my bday and never taking me out for our anniversary or valentines

#52

Silent treatment. Not talking to you for months if you confronted them for something they did, punishing you for standing up for yourself by ghosting you and cutting all communication and when they think you have learned your lesson, they come back with no apology. It’s literally emotional a***e because you end up thinking you made a huge mistake by standing up for yourself and you did the wrong thing. It makes you overthink everything and is plain torture.

#53

– This one was already said but it always needs a comeback : No he ain’t gonna end himself, just leave his manipulative butt. – The whole mind game of acting like the person is really down to get a specific answer from you (that you had already explained yourself millions of times a couple of minutes ago) and then once they don’t receive it they start going off on you with arrogance acting like they’re the victim. – Everything you say has to include him in it, if it doesn’t then don’t speak about it otherwise you’re gonna get s***ted on until you start every sentences by being inclusive. – Old but still need a comeback : the silent treatment to obtain what he wants and put the person in emotional distress. – Giving you his “blessing” but if you do it you get s***ted on. – The whole “if you don’t do this then we will break up” or just anything that has to do with the wannabe outcome of it being breaking up. – Making you emotionally dependent of him by expressing himself as if what you are doing is actually extremely bad for you. – Power control. – The whole “I’m not good for you” just to get an ego boost. – Telling someone they’re manipulative and selfish for respecting your own boundaries / putting boundaries. And I can keep on going on because I lived with the most manipulative man I had ever met in my entire life and even with all the study knowledge I have on manipulation I felt for it real hard.

#54

Words not matching actions.
Not making you a priority, yet always being there for others.
Caring about what others think rather than how you feel.
Moody, hold and cold behaviour. Put putting a caring front towards you in front of others.
Barely acknowledges your small and big wins.
Takes out their anger towards others/other things on you.
Not interested in planning to do anything together.
Cold shoulder if you respectfully bring up anything/silent treatment
Lack of real interest in you as a person, after the intial high of winning over you
Always complaining about you, slowly coming off as always having a problem with you is how that ends.
Not happy for your close relationships with your family and friends, especially if they don’t have a close circle
Any nostalgic missing ex or comparing you with anyone remotely is a huge red flag

#55

“You think you’re going to find someone who cares about you as much as I do?” Meanwhile, we’d been arguing nearly nonstop.

#56

Negging, Nice guy syndrome, Victim mentality/blaming themselves without actually putting effort to resolve any of their issues while expecting you to do the latter. Calling you dumb and stupid as a joke, Silent treatment, Ignoring your bids for attention until they want something out of the relationship, Playing devils advocate, Needing validation but unable to validate you, Liking you because you’re “nice” or “safe”

#57

intrude and attack a deliberately harmful person will enter your personal space when you are most vulnerable; fake concern; corner you; attack you in an innocuous manner; push you to the point of reactive a***e and then expect you to apologize to them

#58

Using pet names (“babe”, “beautiful”, “hon”) to make you think the both of you have a real connection

Speaking the words “*I’m looking for a relationship*” while exhibiting behaviors that are focused on getting sex

Putting down your interests and/or not expressing interest in knowing more about what interests you

Using “*I’m busy. Can I talk to you later*”, without scheduling a more opportune time, to apply pressure on you to chase their attention and make you fear losing them. This is usually followed by taking too long to respond by text

Your requests to call each other and/or spend time together are always rejected and met with an excuse. However, they are always “available” by text

#59

Telling you that you wouldn’tbe able to live without them and that they “have” to “teach you to be independent”(this is word to word what my ex told me and believed it was ok to plainly say that to me).

#60

Comparison to an ex.

#61

“I was just trying to help”

#62

Someone threatening to break up with you if you don’t do things the way they want it. Once you realize it’s a manipulation tactic, it stops working.

#63

Trauma bonding

#64

Blame shifting and using a crutch. Oh well I’m like this because I have…..(names mental issue). I need a lot of reassurance because of my mother/ father.

Honestly anyone that paints a negative picture about their families, friends, lifestyle can pain a negative picture about you. Happy dating.

#65

Someone who never suggests anything and always wants to do and or is fine with what you want to do is manipulative and secretly resenting you for always going along with you.

People pleasers are the same. They want you to see them in a certain light and will focus 100% on your needs and keep any issues they have to themselves and resent you for it all the while.

Going forward I will not be making friends with someone who only has sob stories for every relationship they’ve had platonic or otherwise, more often than not the problem is them and their passiveness and inability to reflect on how their own actions enable how others treat them.

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