Adjusting to the family dynamics of your partner is a challenge for many. Some families are boisterous and fun, while others are more subdued and respectful. Some will welcome you with their arms open wide, showing seemingly infinite enthusiasm for you being there. Others prefer to take it a little slower, trying to get to know you better so you know their love and respect is merited. And, as long as they are not mean-spirited, all of the approaches are valid. However, that doesn’t make it easier to navigate them.
The woman in the following story seems to have misread the family of her fiancé. The user @fsinlaw turned to the r/AITA community complaining about the boundaries she’s been crossing and how difficult it’s been for the family to deal with it. But have they been open and accepting enough of her situation? Scroll down to read the full story.
Everyone knows—dealing with in-laws can be tricky. The balance one has to strike between closeness and respect is challenging at best
Image credits: Askar Abayev (not the actual photo)
The woman from this story seems to have been too eager to become a part of her fiancé’s family. Or was the family too dismissive of her needs? You can be the judge
Image credits: Liza Summer (not the actual photo)
Image credits: drazenphoto (not the actual photo)
Image source: fsinlaw
The commentators’ opinions were mostly split about this story. Some thought one side was in the wrong while others were convinced of the opposite. And, truly, when you think about it, it’s easy to understand both sides of the conflict.
On one hand, the boundaries that the family has are not unreasonable. They simply take it slow when it comes to communicating with new people. They don’t divulge all the secrets right away or discuss their sex life with new people in their lives. In other words, their love needs to be earned. When it flourishes, it does so like a friendship would.
On the other hand, it’s understandable that the fiancée could have expected a warmer welcome. Maybe, as someone who’s not had a close family before, she assumed the bond will be instant and natural. Maybe the fact that the family was not instantly gushing about her presence made her feel unwanted and even rejected.
This type of thinking, however, is mostly her problem. It’s not the family’s fault that her emotional needs are higher than theirs. They also repeatedly told her that she was being intrusive and she didn’t mend her behavior. Yes, she does have trauma related to her family situation, but it is up to her to face and deal with it. The family shouldn’t change their boundaries simply to accommodate her healing.
Redditors also pointed out that the fiancé of the OP could have done a better job talking to his fiancée. He obviously didn’t get across how important it is to his family that she doesn’t intrude on their personal matters. He also seemed to fail to introduce the best way of approaching a relationship with his family, something that a thoughtful partner should have done. On top of that, he refused to allow his family to approach his fiancée about the matter, making it complicated for them to reach a compromise.
Still, many noted that what OP said to the fiancé was unnecessarily hurtful. Sure, she lost her temper, but the words she said might stick with her future sister-in-law for years to come.
Navigating boundaries with family members can be complicated
Boundaries is something we learn as we’re growing up. We use the examples we see around us as a base for what healthy boundaries look like. That is why people who had dysfunctional relationships as children often struggle to set and adhere to them. The same could apply to people like the OP’s brother’s fiancée, who grew up in foster care. She might have not had a good model for boundaries as a kid so she struggles with them as an adult.
There are a few things to keep in mind when it comes to setting boundaries with challenging people that don’t always hear your needs. First, you have to be prepared to repeat yourself a few times before they get it. Once you set a boundary, you should also stay consistent with it and not change your mind about it. This will communicate that you are serious about it and it is important for them to adhere to your relationship rules. If they violate what you consider respectful, communicate that to them (in a civil manner if possible) and walk away if needed.
Taking a bit of time off from the relationship can also be useful. A short break can help you process the conflict and both sides can come back to it with fresh perspectives. If the boundary crossing persists, a longer break might be needed.
The fact that the OP posted the story on Reddit seems like she is taking her time to reflect on the situation. Hopefully, she and her family as well as her brother and his fiancée can navigate this with kindness and grace. This comes off as a misunderstanding they can work through and continue living as a happy family.
A lot of redditors had many questions for the OP. She clarified the situation further in the comments
The post “We Don’t Owe Her A Family”: Woman Is Rejected After Inviting Herself To Fiancé’s Family Trip first appeared on Bored Panda.
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