When we lend someone something, we generally expect to get it back… in the same condition. But that’s not always how the story unfolds. Even Shakespeare knew the risks involved and tried to warn us all when he wrote in Hamlet that “Neither a borrower nor a lender be; For loan oft loses both itself and friend.”
One woman learned the hard way when she let her close friend borrow a blue bridesmaid dress for an upcoming wedding. Imagine her horror when the satin dress came back a few sizes smaller. Her friend audaciously decided to alter the dress without asking for permission. Now, said friend is refusing to pay to replace it. Bored Panda spoke to etiquette expert and author Rosalinda Randall to get her take on the matter.
A woman has taken “something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue” to a whole new level
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
She borrowed her old friend’s blue dress for a wedding and took it upon herself to make it ‘new’ by altering it without permission
Image credits: Valeriia Miller / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Popular-Statement731
Image credits: kennedyblue
Many agreed that the “friend” was way out of line
The woman later said she’d gone to a number of dress experts for advice, and all told her the same thing
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Popular-Statement731
These are the unwritten rules of borrowing and lending, according to an Etiquette Expert
“Am I prepared to never see this again?” That’s the question you should ask yourself before lending an item to someone. So says Etiquette Expert and author, Rosalinda Randall. We reached out to Randall to get her thoughts on the blue bridesmaid dress saga and advice on lending and borrowing in general.
“Often, a borrowed item goes unreturned, missing, or forgotten for various reasons. Maybe they lost it, lent it out, donated it, thinking you’d never want it back, trashed it, or your relationship fizzled out,” she told Bored Panda.
We asked Randall what the former friend (borrower of the dress) could have done differently in this situation. “Did this borrower/friend avoid talking about the alteration because she knew the answer would be no?” replied the expert. “A discussion would have allowed for an exchange of ideas, like making temporary alterations or a purchase agreement.”
Randall adds that if a borrowed item doesn’t perfectly suit you, you should not borrow it. “It’s a gift when someone entrusts you with a personal item,” she says. “It means they know that you’ll use it with minimal wear-and-tear and return it in the same condition, or better.”
Now that the damage is done, Randall says the owner of the satin dress has several options… One is to forget about the incident, but never lend this particular friend anything ever again. Another is to accept the friend’s offer to pay for the reverse alterations – if the fabric allows, which we’ve since come to learn that it doesn’t. The woman could also sell the dress,” as her friend advised,” adds Randall. Or she could donate it. A final option is for her to keep the altered dress as a harsh reminder to never lend again.
Randall says the owner of the dress could also opt to let the friend go, but advises that she give this proper thought. “In today’s world, we are so quick to end relationships for minor reasons or misunderstandings,” she explains. “So, before you consider this, is this one incident worth ending the relationship?”
The Etiquette Expert says it’s important to see the light at the end of the tunnel. “The positives to remember are that the friend apologized and offered to pay for reverse alterations. Accept it and move on.”
When it comes to lending to friends or family, here’s Randall’s advice: “Unfortunately, some friends or family members feel they can take more liberties because of a familiar relationship or if you’ve borrowed from them. If you know your friend or family member’s history of borrowing, or if they things don’t mean much to them, just say no. Why risk an unpleasant situation?”
There are a few unwritten rules to keep in mind when lending or borrowing… The first is to agree upon a return date. You should also be clear about the parameters, says Randall. “For example, if it’s a book, can they highlight, fold the corners, or take it on vacation?”
If you’re lending an item to someone, Randall advises that you express your attachment or its significance to you. “Perhaps a bit dramatic, but it reinforces that it’s a borrowed item,” she told us.
The expert cautions that it’s important to be clear that you want it back, in the same condition.
“Whether you borrow from a best friend or a sister, it doesn’t make it yours to alter misuse or lose,” warns Randall but she adds that you should remember that sometimes, things that happen beyond the borrower’s control. “For example, a wine stain, or a rip from a passionate encounter.”
“Naturally, it is up to the borrower to make it right,” she concludes.
“Please be petty”: people were invested in the dress saga
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