Ahoy mateys! There’s nothing like a good pirate joke to make you laugh. From snappy one-liners to full-blown sea tales, these buccaneer gags have been cracking people up for generations.
Maybe it’s the salty wordplay, the swagger of the high seas, or just the fact that pirates are the perfect fall guys for a killer punchline.
Whatever it is, we’ve sailed the web and dug deep into comedy’s treasure chest to unearth 37 of the funniest, freshest, and most seaworthy jokes around. From quick zingers to longer barroom yarns, we’ve scoured every corner to find comedic gold.
#1
Where did the pirate purchase his hook?
At the 2nd-hand store
#2
There once was a pirate named Bates,
Who danced the Fandango on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates!
#3
What is a pirate’s favorite letter?
The R?
Ahhh, you would think, but it be the C lad!
#4
Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?
Right where ya left him
#5
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannonball, but I’m fine now.”
Bartender: “Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really….”
Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”
Pirate: “Oh, one day, we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye.”
Bartender: “You’re kidding; you lost an eye just from bird shit?”
Pirate: “Well, it was my first day with the hook.”
#6
Why don’t pirates like travelling on mountain roads?
S’curvy
#7
Why couldn’t the 11-year-old get into the pirate movie?
It was rated ARRRR
#8
One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship, and the crew became frantic.
The captain bellowed to his First Mate, “Bring me my red shirt!”
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, and, after donning the shirt, the captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.
Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as eve, bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!”
The battle was on, and once again the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties.
That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day’s triumphs, and one of them asked the captain: “Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before each battle?”
The captain replied: “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.”
All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of their captain.
As dawn came the next morning, the look-out spotted not one, not two, but TEN
pirate ships approaching.
The men became silent and looked to their Captain for his usual command.
The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown pants!!”
#9
What’s a pirate’s favorite country?
AAARRRGHentina.
#10
What do ye call a pirate with two eyes and two legs?
A rookie
#11
Why was the pirate such a good boxer?
Because he had a strong left hook.
#12
What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday?
“Aye, matey, years old!”
#13
Last Halloween, one of the trick-or-treaters who came to my door was all dressed up in the three-pointed hat, a patch over one eye, and a fake sword stuck in his belt.
So I ask him: “What are you supposed to be?”
“I’m a pirate,” he replied in his best 6-year-old version of a snarl.
“Well then, where are your Bucaneers?” I asked.
He shoots back, “they’re under my buckin’ ha.t”
#14
Why is being a pirate so addictive?
Because once you lose your first hand, you get hooked!
#15
Why are pirates good at singing?
Because they can hit the high seas!
#16
There once was an old pirate captain who had a son who had no ears.
One day, the pirate captain picked up some new crew members.
As the new recruits got on board, the captain told them about his son
and that he was very sensitive about the fact that he had no ears.
If they offended his son by talking about his ears, they would have to walk the plank!
These new pirates were naturally very nervous about meeting this boy.
Well, after a short time, the new pirates finally happened to meet the captain’s boy.
The first pirate tried not to look at him, but he couldn’t handle it and kept staring.
The boy yelled, “What are you looking at!?” Hurried to think of an excuse,
the pirate said, “I was just admiring your hand! Take care of your hand,
or you will have to wear a hook like me.” “Thank you for the advice”, said the boy.
Soon, a second new pirate encountered the boy.
When he kept staring at him, the boy said, “What are you looking at!?”
“I was just admiring your leg,” said the pirate. “You take care of your leg,
or you will have to wear a wooden leg like me!” “Thank you for the advice,” said the boy.
Later, the third new pirate encountered the boy and stared.
When the boy said, “What are you looking at!?” the pirate said, “I was just admiring your eyes.
You take care of your eyes, laddie boy, or you will have to wear glasses like me…
and you can’t wear glasses, cuz you don’t have any ears to hold ’em up with…..”
#17
A thirsty pirate runs from his ship to the nearest bar and shouts to the bartender, “Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!”
The bartender pours out the shots, and the pirate drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender is very impressed and exclaims, “Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast.”
The pirate replies, “Well, you’d drink that fast too, if you had what I have.”
The bartender says, “Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?”
“Fifty cents!” replied the pirate.
#18
What is a pirate’s favorite kind of cookie?
Ship’s Ahoy!
#19
Did you hear about the pirate pilates instructor?
He specializes in planks.
#20
Why did the pirate go to the Apple store?
He needed a new iPatch
#21
Where does a pirate go for lunch?
Aaarrrbys!
#22
What kind of ships do pirates find hard to maintain?
Relationships!
#23
What’s a pirate’s favourite part of a song?
The hook!
#24
What has three eyes, three hands, and three legs?
Three pirates
#25
Did you hear that only 96.86% of people at sea are sailors?
The rest are pi-rates.
#26
Why can’t pirates learn the alphabet?
Because they spend years at “C”!
#27
What do you call a pirate mutiny?
A conspira-sea!
#28
What does a pirate call his ex-wife?
His first mate.
#29
Pirates are great at solving math problems. They are always trying to find out where X is.
#30
What’s the difference between a pirate and a cranberry farmer?
A pirate buries his treasure, but a cranberry farmer treasures his berries.
#31
Why did the pirate ask his ex for directions?
Because ex marked the spot.
#32
Why did the pirate go on a vacation?
He needed a little arrr and arrr.
#33
How come the pirate found it easy to recite the tongue twister: “Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheap cheddar cheese?”
Because he was used to the 7 Cs.
#34
Why did the pirate captain have long hair?
Because he didn’t like crew cuts.
#35
Did you hear about the old pirate who had leg problems?
He had to make appointments to see the doctor and a carpenter.
#36
What do pirates do when their ship gets sick?
Bring it to the dock.
#37
Two pirates, Blackbeard and Captain Jack, are sitting in a tavern, drinking rum.
Blackbeard leans over to Captain Jack and says, “Ye know, I’ve sailed the seven seas, pillaged countless ships, and buried more treasure than a man can count. But I still feel like somethin’ is missin’.”
Captain Jack replies, “What’s that, matey?”
Blackbeard says, “I wish I could find a good woman to share all this with.”
Captain Jack replies, “Arrr, Blackbeard, if ye want a woman, ye got to be a gentleman. You gotta take ‘er out to a nice dinner, buy ‘er a fine dress, and tell ‘er how beautiful she is.”
Blackbeard looks at Captain Jack and says, “But what if she don’t like me?”
Captain Jack says, “Then you tell her, ‘Arrr, ye may not be the prettiest parrot on the perch, but ye’re the only one I want to talk to!’”
from Bored Panda /pirate-jokes/
via IFTTT source site : boredpanda
