Siblings: can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ‘em. Your brothers and sisters may be your best friends today, but it’s likely that there was a time (or perhaps several occasions) when you couldn’t stand to be in the same room as them.
Many of us manage to resolve these conflicts, or at least set them aside, as we grow into adults, because our love for our siblings often outweighs anything they may have done to wrong us. But one woman and her half-sister still have a long way to go if they ever want to be friends. Below, you’ll find a post that the woman shared on Reddit detailing some family drama that went down during what was supposed to be a simple dinner. Keep reading to find all of the details, as well as a conversation with psychologist and expert on blended families, Dr. Patricia Papernow.
This woman has always had a tense relationship with her half-sister
Image credits: Scott Webb (not the actual photo)
But after years of holding back, she finally decided to call her out on her lies
Image credits: Blake Cheek (not the actual photo)
Image credits: Karolina Grabowska (not the actual photo)
Image source: ranawayfromyou
“Closeness between half siblings and stepsiblings is sometimes more the adult’s wish than the kids’ reality”
Image credits: Getty Images (not the actual photo)
Sibling relationships can always be complicated, but they are even more complex when they involve a blended family. According to the United States Census Bureau, one in six kids in the U.S. under the age of 18 currently lives with at least one half-sibling. And apparently, nearly a third of children who live with their mother, but not their father, also have at least one half sibling.
To learn more about this topic, we got in touch with psychologist and expert on blended families, Dr. Patricia Papernow. She was kind enough to have a chat with Bored Panda and discuss why relationships between half siblings can be so complex.
“The research is just beginning to look at relationships between half siblings. Up until now, the research often lumped all ‘children’ in a stepfamily together. As is obvious in this story, half siblings are really different from siblings — and also really different from stepsiblings,” Dr. Papernow noted. “Half siblings do often call each other ‘brother’ and ‘sister’ (not ‘half brother’ or ‘half sister’). However, the research is that half siblings (and stepsiblings) in a stepfamily tend to be closest if they began living together when both were young and lived together for a while.”
“Nonetheless, closeness between half siblings and stepsiblings is sometimes more the adult’s wish than the kids’ reality,” the expert continued.
“Adults need to follow kids’ lead. No adult would want to be forced to be close to another person they did not choose,” Dr. Papernow says. “This dad forced his younger daughter upon his older daughter. He failed to respect his older daughter’s need to be separate from her younger half sibling. In addition, this dad also abdicated his role as the dad of both daughters. It sounds like the mothers of both children were among the ‘girlfriends going in and out’ – not present. And then Dad left his older daughter to parent his younger daughter.”
“All of this placed an incredibly heavy burden on the older daughter that was actually Dad’s to carry,” the expert explained. “Not surprisingly, older daughter ‘hated Emily growing up.’”
“It sounds like the older daughter got left completely alone with all of this. She felt her only choice she felt was to distance herself. That makes sense to me. I’m glad she had another family she could adopt,” Dr. Papernow continued. “This is a really good strategy for kids who are stuck in an untenable situation. Much better than getting in trouble with [substances], etc.”
However, Dr. Papernow pointed out that the older sister was her younger sister Emily’s only caretaker. “So I’m sure this hurt Emily a lot. Emily managed her hurt by badmouthing her older sister. The real culprits are her father and her mother.”
The expert also shared some common issues that often arise between half siblings. “The younger child in this story is what we all an ‘ours’ baby – child of the new couple,” she noted. “Researchers are just beginning to explore the experience of ‘ours’ kids. ‘Ours’ kids live with half siblings whose parents divorced, but the ‘ours’ child’s parents are not divorced. There may be tension between stepparent and stepchild. For the ‘ours’ child, though, this is tension, in this case, between my mother and my sister.”
Dr. Papernow also says that stepfamilies want to believe they are the same as first-time families. “When this is true, they don’t tell the stories of divorce that preceded this family. Failing to tell these stories leaves ‘ours’ children with no understanding of what is happening, which leaves them feeling confused and dysregulated,” she continued. “This is perhaps some of what was roiling underneath in the young half-sib in this story.”
“If one child is lying about the other, this needs parental intervention”
Image credits: Daniel Way (not the actual photo)
So what can parents do to try to improve these relationships?
“First and foremost, continue parenting. Children do best in all families, and especially in stepfamilies, when parents maintain warm strong relationships and practice what is called ‘authoritative’ parenting,” Dr. Papernow shared. “Authoritative parents lead with warmth and empathy and provide calm firm limits. This dad (and both mothers) did neither. Dad left all of this to his older daughter.”
“Parents and stepparents need to tell the stories of what happened before the family was formed, and how the family came together. ‘Ours’ children need to know these stories,” she continued. “If half siblings and/or stepsiblings are not getting along, this is not a time to ‘let the kids work it out.’ This is a time for the adults to step in and give the kids some separation from each other.”
However, this father did the opposite. “He forced his older daughter into close continuous relationship with her younger half sibling,” Dr. Papernow pointed out. “It is important for the adults to monitor how half siblings and stepsiblings (and siblings for that matter) are treating each other. If one child is lying about the other, this needs parental intervention.”
“And, by the way, we have overwhelming research that parents, not stepparents, need to be the limit setters with their own children, until or unless stepchildren feel they have a close trusting relationship with their stepparent (and even then, sometimes),” she added. “Successful stepparents focus on getting to know their stepkids — as I say, ‘focus on connection not correction.’”
We were also curious about how often siblings grow out of issues like this. “The issues in this story are not things to ‘grow out of.’ There is real hurt that needs to be repaired,” the expert noted. “The writer blurted some truth that is part of huge hurt that there was no way to process. She ended up feeling to blame. The situation is so much bigger than this one painful exchange. The person I’d hold most responsible is Dad.”
“For repair, Dad’s older daughter would need him to hear that he thrust her into an untenable, incredibly burdensome position,” Dr. Papernow noted. “When there was no mother, he did not parent his older daughter. And he left her to parent his younger daughter. He did not allow his older daughter to be a kid. For repair, she would need her father to hear what this has been like for her, and for him to empathize and apologize.”
She says that the father also needs to apologize for abandoning his younger daughter. “Younger girl needs someone to understand how upset she was when her older sister (her only caretaker) left. But she needs help to place her upset where it belongs: With her mother and father, who both abandoned her. And only then could she perhaps apologize for taking all of this out on her older sister.”
We would love to hear your thoughts on this situation in the comments below, pandas. Then, you can find another Bored Panda article discussing similar family drama right here.
Later, the author provided a few more details about her situation
Many readers assured her that she had every right to defend herself
However, some believed that the author and her father were to blame
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