Some of the habits that people currently have might be childhood coping mechanisms that they picked up as ways to survive. They might have lived in a toxic family environment and faced neglect or abuse. They might have had to deal with constant fear, stress, and anxiety. And it only occurred to them way later, when they grew up, that the habits they grew to rely upon aren’t ‘normal’ at all.
Reddit users revealed the childhood coping methods that they unknowingly developed in an incredibly honest and impactful thread. They wrote about being hyper-aware of people’s microexpressions, shutting down their emotions, and creating imaginative scenarios to make their situations more tolerable. Scroll down for the most powerful things you will likely read today.
Bored Panda had a very open conversation about hardship, mental health, and childhood coping mechanisms with the author of the thread, redditor u/GreggOfChaoticOrder. They were very candid about their own struggles, the massive impact their r/AskReddit thread had, as well as their thoughts on dealing with trauma. Their hope is that by shedding light on these topics, others can know that they’re not alone in their struggles and it helps make the world a better place.
#1
I look for signs, such as micro-expressions, about what kind of mood the other one is in. My therapist told me not all people do this, and I do it a lot. He also told me I developed it because I was always on the lookout because of my often angry, drunken stepdad.
Image credits: theWelshTiger
#2
I can cut people out of my life and stop caring about people at the snap of my fingers, and I do it far too often to people who sometimes may not deserve it to keep myself safe.
Image credits: Bloodragedragon
#3
Saying ‘I am sorry’ all the time.
Image credits: strawberrywine5880
#4
Assuming people are mad at me based on their vocal tone.
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#5
Shutting down when faced with confrontation.
Image credits: NoToe9649
#6
Apparently, I do something called ‘disassociating’ where I get so deep in thought that I don’t hear anything else around me. It drives my wife nuts.
Image credits: bubbles2255
#7
I don’t know if it was a coping mechanism so much as a survival tactic. I walk on the balls/toes of my feet all the time. If I’m barefooted, my heels never touch the ground unless I’m standing still. Quietness was the objective.
Image credits: wrencherspinner
#8
I talk to myself, like full blown heart felt conversations. I’d keep things to myself because I would get in trouble for saying the wrong thing. I lie because people couldn’t know certain things. I’d day dream because it was better then reality. I observed the room, their gestures to know if it’s safe to interact. I don’t say things about myself because I can’t trust easily.
#9
Over apologizing and always questioning if I come off annoying, mean, or disrespectful. Having little to no self esteem. And self neglect.
#10
I learned to lie rather convincingly. I was petrified of getting in trouble for the smallest things that I learned to hide quite a bit. I had such high anxiety as a kid.
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#11
Not doing anything till the last minute so I feel pressured to do it — and when I finish doing it, I feel useful.
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#12
My house is spotless. Everyone is surprised my house is so clean when I have three kids. It’s totally a coping mechanism. If I’m upset or stressed, I clean, and with a baby, I’m stressed a lot.
This behavior comes from my dad throwing epic fits if the house wasn’t clean and tidy. He would yell that he has four daughters, so why aren’t things clean? I thought if the house was clean, it was one less thing to be yelled at about.
I’m slowly learning that it’s OK to leave dishes in the sink or have an unmade bed. A mess still makes me extremely anxious, but I’m doing my best not to pass it on to my kids.
Image credits: englishgirlamerican
#13
Eating too fast. I remember noticing this even as a child still. I was always done first. And I never out grew it. Neglect and abandonment issues.
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#14
Always being okay having your decisions overridden by others and believing they know best. Examples: For birthdays, we’d get to pick a restaurant to eat at. I’d pick a place and usually my sister would complain and my parents would override. Being asked what I’d want for Christmas and being told ‘No, you don’t’ when you tell them what you want. I was super into astronomy growing up, so when I asked for a telescope, I was told more than once I didn’t want it. So I started to believe I didn’t want one.
Image credits: IsBastionAGirlRobot
#15
Self depreciating jokes. If I make fun of myself first it wont hurt as bad when someone else makes fun of me.
#16
Or shutting down because you have to work out the ‘perfect response’ in real-time. And no, screaming at me for being quiet will not make this process go any faster or help to resolve the mind-numbing panic that triggered it in the first place.
Image credits: Konukaame
#17
I do this, too — and I terrified co-workers when I materialized behind them like a ghost at the copy machine or café counter. They called me ‘The Ghost,’ and I laughed along, but kept to myself that I also knew where the exits were and what was between them and myself at any given moment.
Both of my parents had terrible tempers and three out of my four grandparents were abusive (of every kind you could name) people. You are absolutely right to call it a survival tactic.
Image credits: Spicavierge
#18
I just found out I have a binge eating disorder. I eat in secret sometimes and overeat. It comes from my childhood and not knowing where my next meal would come from.
Image credits: bubbles2255
#19
Sometimes I wonder if I’m indecisive for similar reasons. Mine isn’t anything malicious. Just being the youngest of three, your opinions generally fall in last for a long time. I became very easy-going/go with the flow, but now I do this thing where I’ll be like, ‘sure whatever’ — and stifle my own desires for others.
Image credits: Pficky
#20
This. Gone through my whole life like it, am 24 now. When I say I’m not all here, I’m REALLY not all here. I’m not anchored, I’m constantly slipping into my head in crazy adventures with consistent characters, settings, universes, and themes. It’s like constantly slipping out of reality and into a trippy TV show. I guess it’s kinda nice sometimes, but it gets in the way of school, work, and EVERYTHING I try to do.
#21
Making my voice as monotone as possible to prevent people (my parents) from picking up on any tiny hint of emotion. My parents would lose it if I had ‘a tone’ or sounded upset in any way. It’s taken years and years of practice to regain some emotion in my voice again.
Image credits: Jazzlike_Log_709
#22
Having three or four different responses ready for every conversation in advance just to prepare for what might come. My therapist told me this isn’t as normal as I thought it was and apparently other people don’t prepare this much for regular, everyday conversations.
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#23
Trying to think/mentally prepare myself for every possible horrible thing that could happen to me, so that if it did, I wouldn’t be blindsided. It didn’t work. I want to add that my mother died in a freak accident when I was young, and I was blindsided. My coping mechanism was to prepare for situations where a friend or family member is killed out of the blue, so I wouldn’t be caught off guard again. It caused me severe stress and the inability to relax ever. I am older now and therapy has done wonders for me.
Image credits: Budson420
#24
I can’t have an aspiration or a dream because I don’t want to disappoint myself. I can’t even say that I am gonna get a good grade on a specific subject out loud, because I’m scared I will disappoint myself. Same thing happens with other things in my life: when I apply for a specific college, I will just do it and ignore it until I get a result, because I don’t want to get my hopes up and end up not getting accepted. I can’t even have a New Years resolution because somehow I think I would fail, and I would rather already expect that than get my hopes up and fail. I am scared of being disappointed in myself.
Image credits: rianabdussalam
#25
Listening for the smallest sounds. Before I was old enough and had enough money to move out, I could hear the faint sound of the garage door opening because it would always squeak when it opens. I would then bolt upstairs to my room because the garage opening meant that my mom was home. I can distinguish her footsteps easily. I developed a hypersensitivity to sound because of her.
#26
Shutting down emotionally. I learned from a young age that if I felt some sort of way about something, it didn’t matter because I was “too young to have real problems”. Also, being invalidated all the time by being told it didn’t matter or wasn’t a big deal. So any time something bothered me, I’d just shut down and not want to talk at all. I was trying to sort my emotions myself and not offend anyone, but I was really just hurting myself.
#27
Having to laugh and smile every time you make a comment to your parents so they don’t immediately start getting offended over everything you say — it’s exhausting.
Image credits: unlikelycompliance
#28
Laughing at pain, if I get hurt I laugh. I do it because I don’t want the people around me feeling uncomfortable. I do it even when people aren’t around. It hurts.
Image credits: Fenikkusu87
#29
Learning about dissociation is a game-changer. It’s so hard to explain what you feel when it’s happening. Being able to see other people try to explain it helps us understand it and not feel so broken.
Image credits: DefNotAK
#30
My mom used to take away things I enjoyed when she was thinking I was behaving badly. At some point, I started to ignore it, finding something new or just lying in bed doing nothing. Now I’m curious if despite all other problems this also had an influence on me being indifferent about other people’s presence and emotions.
Image credits: MaryChrist_
#31
Yes, and when someone says, ‘You don’t have to say sorry’ and/or gets mad at you for saying sorry, and you get in a loop for saying sorry. Nowadays, it’s a lot better than it was. But whenever I feel bad, I just keep repeating it.
Image credits: Ammilerasa
#32
Cleaning or doing things behind the scenes for my family so they’re always happy, life goes smoothly, and my life is serene. The latter isn’t the case unfortunately; I’m exhausted and always on edge.
Image credits: Crazei
#33
I know that…it’s like flipping a switch. It’s most noticeable to me when I’m watching a movie and a scene comes on that triggers some kind of memory and so I mentally switch from being in tune with the movie to staring at the box on the wall while the pictures on it move. It completely removes all emotion.
Image credits: Christmas_Panda
#34
My sister and I both do this. Every minute spent at the table increased the likelihood that we would get yelled at for something unrelated, so the only strategy was to get out of there as quickly as possible. I have to make a conscious effort to slow down around other people now.
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