Communication is key when it comes to relationships. So what happens when one person completely shuts down after an argument, and goes into stonewalling mode? Nothing good comes from the silent treatment and it can end up making the situation worse, as the following story proves.
One woman has shared how her husband’s chosen to jet off on a trip with his mother, leaving her behind to deal with renovations, moving house and a toddler. Despite her begging him to stay and help, the man made it clear he’d be doing what suits him. He has shut down ahead of the trip. Not only is he ignoring her, but he’s refusing to help care for their child before he leaves. She needs advice.
Big family vacations abroad are sometimes once-in-a-lifetime opportunities
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One man is prepared to throw his marriage down the drain for an overseas trip with his mom, grandparents and extended family
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The woman provided an update when her husband still wasn’t talking to her
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Why it’s not good to act like a brick wall, according to the experts
Relationship experts from the Gottman Institute describe stonewalling as someone withdrawing from an argument, conflict or interaction, by shutting down and closing themselves off from the other person. They’ve metaphorically built a wall between them and their partner. This happens because they are feeling overwhelmed or physiologically flooded, explains the team at Gottman.
“Rather than confronting the issue, someone who is stonewalling will be totally unresponsive, making evasive maneuver such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive behaviors,” reads the site.
Since communication is key to a happy relationship, stonewalling is clearly not the best way to handle conflict. In fact, when one partner continuously does this, it can have detrimental effects on both individuals.
The Gottman Institute’s site explains that stonewalling leads to a decrease in both partners’ ability to process information. This means reduced hearing, reduced peripheral vision, and problems with shifting attention away from a defensive posture.
It also creates an increase in defensiveness. The couple will struggle to find creative ways to solve problems. And the ability to listen and empathize is likely to fly out the window.
“Men are consistently more likely to stonewall than women,” reveals the Gottman Institute. “They will withdraw emotionally from conflict discussions while women remain emotionally engaged.” The Institute’s research has found that 85% of stonewallers studied in their “Love Lab” were men.
They also found that male stonewalling is very upsetting for women, “increasing their physiological arousal (things like increased heart rates, etc.) and intensifying their pursuit of the issue.”
Notably, the experts say when women stonewall, you should expect divorce papers to follow. They’ve basically had enough.
Many rallied behind the wife, with some going so far as to suggest a divorce
Some felt that everyone needed to do better in this situation
“He’s your husband, not your child”: Not everyone took the wife’s side
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