As parents approach a second marriage, they often vow to keep their child their number one priority instead of the relationship with their partner. They feel like the kids have already gone through enough without asking for it, so they make it their responsibility to put their needs first as much as possible, no matter what.
This dad was even ready to end his relationship with his fiancée for his daughter, as the future stepmom was upset that his child was being treated like the queen of the house for having a separate room. But before he ended things, he wanted to get some unbiased opinions and shared the whole situation online.
Scroll down to find the full story and conversation with Pia Torp, an internationally certified EFT couples therapist, and Jamie Simkins, LCPC, a therapist, stepmom coach, and blended family consultant, who kindly agreed to talk about priorities and parenting differences in blended families.
When approaching a second marriage, parents often vow that their children will be their priority
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As did this dad, who was even prepared to give up his relationship for his daughter
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Image credits: Educational-Meat8359
“Kids should be deeply cared for and protected—but that doesn’t mean they come before the couple”
Image credits: unsplash (not the actual photo)
In blended families, it can be hard to navigate the different needs and wants of both parents and children, but finding a healthy middle ground is essential for the family to function. Even though it might seem tricky at first, everyone, not just the kids, should be at the top of the priority list, experts say.
“In blended families, it should never be ‘either/or.’ Love is not limited—it expands. Both children and the couple’s bond need to feel fully prioritized, because a secure couple relationship is what creates safety for the children. It always comes down to how the 2 grown-ups collaborate,” says Pia Torp, an internationally certified EFT couples therapist.
“Kids should be deeply cared for and protected—but that doesn’t mean they come before the couple. In blended families especially, if the couple isn’t strong and united, the whole family structure suffers,” explains Jamie Simkins, LCPC, a therapist, stepmom coach, and blended family consultant.
“A good way to approach it is like this: The kids are your first responsibility—you keep them safe, cared for, and supported. But the relationship is your first priority—because if the couple bond breaks down, the whole blended family structure crumbles. When partners feel secure with each other, they’re better able to show up for the kids.”
Stepchildren in a blended family should never feel ‘less than’
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The stepchildren in a blended family, just like the couple, also should never feel ‘less than,’ but realistically, there will be natural differences in how they’re treated from biological kids.
“It is natural to feel closer to one’s own child, but stepchildren should never feel ‘less than.’ Clarity helps: you are not their parent, but you are an adult who cares and works to make all children feel safe and included. Time is super important here,” says Torp.
“Stepchildren shouldn’t be treated as ‘less than,’ but the reality is that the bond is different. There’s no automatic blueprint of love and loyalty in a step-relationship, the way there is with biological children. Expecting it to be the same sets everyone up for frustration. Instead of pretending there’s no difference, acknowledge the unique dynamic, respect the child’s pace, and focus on building trust and connection rather than forcing equality,” Simkins recommends.
Couples with different parenting styles can make blended families work
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Even if, in the midst of it all, the couple greatly disagrees with each other because of different parenting styles, they can still make their stepfamily work by being willing to learn, compromise, and respect each other’s perspectives, Simkins says.
“Most of the time, I see dads being more permissive—often from guilt or fear of losing their kids—while stepmoms tend to be stricter, trying to fill in the gaps they see. These clashes can create resentment unless both partners step back, recognize the patterns at play, and agree on shared values and strategies,” she further explains.
“Disagreements often hide deeper fears of being excluded or unheard. Setting rules together as a team helps, and sometimes therapy offers tools to negotiate fairly and with empathy,” Torp adds. “I recommend seeking a therapist to assist in making a matrix for the household.”
It’s crucial that parents in blended families learn to compromise and find an agreement, as otherwise the household can become divisive and chaotic. “The solution isn’t one person ‘winning’ but creating clarity and alignment. That means talking through what each person can live with, setting realistic expectations, and making decisions that both partners will enforce—even if it isn’t either person’s ideal. Without a united front, the household runs on conflict and inconsistency, which is stressful for everyone,” Simkins concludes.
The majority seemed to be on the dad’s side, advising him to be aware of his fiancée
Some also shared similar stories
A few thought the dad messed up by not seeing through his fiancée earlier
Some also believed that neither should be getting themselves into such a family arrangement
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Later, the dad shared an update:
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Image credits: Educational-Meat8359
Readers were glad about the dad’s decision
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