Many of you have probably seen plenty of actors play lawyers on TV, including on the hit show ‘Suits,’ so you probably have certain expectations. For instance, how someone who’s charismatic and savvy can get anyone off the hook—they just need to be persuasive enough. However, in real life, some cases simply seem unwinnable… all thanks to the clients messing up!
Internet user u/SprinklesDramatic288 sparked a venting session on AskReddit, as a bunch of lawyers spilled the tea about what their jobs are really like and the very worst clients they ever had. These are the type of people who have no survival instinct and behave in such dumb ways that there is no way they’d win their cases. Check out these legal pros’ stories below—just be warned, they’re facepalmworthy.
#1
Had a client tell me she couldn’t be charged with drunk driving because her boyfriend was steering from the passenger seat and she was just working the pedals. Passed that consult on to someone else with no shame.
Image credits: LawlsuitEsq
#2
Friend who is a criminal defense attorney was called at 3-something AM by the presiding judge.
“The sheriff is on his way to arrest your client, who is having his bond revoked. I am calling you at 3 AM about that because he is having his bond revoked for posting a real name social media threat directed at me and my family.”.
Image credits: NotAnotherEmpire
#3
I used to work in forensic science and had to testify a lot. One of my co-workers was on his way to testify when he passed by a courtroom that had its door open and heard the attorney screaming at his client, “*HOW CAN YOU SHOW UP DRUNK TO A DUI TRIAL?!?!?!*”.
Image credits: PirateJohn75
Let’s be realistic: you probably won’t win your client’s case if they start spouting random nonsense, intentionally reveal incriminating evidence, or behave rudely. However, a good lawyer will still try to do their job to the best of their ability. Even if the odds are against them.
There are some qualities that many truly great lawyers share. According to All About Law, they need to have good communication skills, proper judgment, as well as analytical and research skills. On top of that, they should also strive to have good people skills, lots of perseverance, and creativity.
“Lawyers must be orally articulate, have good written communication skills, and also be good listeners.” That being said, in order to “be able to analyze what clients tell them or follow a complex testimony, a lawyer must have good listening skills,” too.
#4
Committed crime, then immediately text messages not one, but two friends, “I just [committed crime].”.
Image credits: TenaciousE_518
#5
I had a client give me the “poppy seed bagel” claim to justify a positive d**g test…and it wasn’t for opiates.
Image credits: JTHuffy
#6
Child visitation case. Mother argues for less visitation because father is always late (also in bringing the child to school) and generally unreliable. Father is a whooping 38 minutes late to the hearing.
Image credits: Cam515278
Lawyers ought to be personable, persuasive, and have the ability to read others well. Meanwhile, they should also strive to be creative in their problem-solving, not just logical and analytical (which are great boons, too).
“The best solution is not always the most obvious and in order to outmanoeuvre your challenger it is often necessary to think outside the box.”
In the meantime, The Lawyer Portal stresses that good lawyers need to have the following:
- A strong knowledge of the law as a foundation;
- Good judgment and decision-making skills;
- Research and analytical skills;
- Writing and comprehension skills;
- Communication, public speaking, and listening skills;
- Leadership and logical thinking skills;
- A willingness to keep learning;
- The ability to be proactive rather than just reactive.
Top-tier lawyers are also organized, patient, composed, compassionate, and persuasive. “A good lawyer continuously develops their craft, maintaining their knowledge of the law and dedicating themselves to personal development.”
#7
The federal judge asked all the attorneys on a civil case into chambers. He stared point blank at defense counsel and said: “The jury hates you, really really hates you.”.
Image credits: Kitsch_Cotash
#8
NAL, one of our clients showed up to Zoom court literally in the shower. Naked. Showering. In front of the judge.
Image credits: suckstoyerassmar
#9
Not my case but happened while I was waiting for my case to be called. Guy was upset the plaintiff was issuing a citation to discover assets against his wife and said “in my culture women can’t own anything” Judge was not amused….
Image credits: sventos
Do we have any lawyers or other legal experts in the audience here today? If so, we’d love to hear all about your own experiences in the courtroom. What were the very worst clients that you had to defend?
Were there any seemingly unwinnable cases that you actually managed to turn around? What keeps you passionate about being a lawyer? Let us know! We’d love to read all about it.
#10
Third hand, from a friend of the lawyer’s, in a divorce case. “Tell them I only want the boy, not the girl.” “If I say that you’re not getting custody of either one.” “I don’t care.” “Your honor, my client only wants custody of the boy.” You can guess how it went.
Image credits: wheninrome999
#11
Defendent was drunk 80 year old hitting on the 18-19 year old jurors during recess while his lawyer frantically told him to stop and bodily blocked him from groping them in the elevator after he’d cornered one.
Image credits: BaylisAscaris
#12
My sister is a lawyer and her client ran a stop sign and t-boned another vehicle. She told my sister that she just knew “in her heart of hearts” that the other vehicle would stop instead. Was actually shocked that it didn’t.
Image credits: littlepinch7
#13
NAL, but our client took the stand, and when asked about his job, he told the court he’s a “street pharmacist.”.
Image credits: my_eventide
#14
One client showed up to court wearing the same outfit he wore during the robbery—caught on camera, crystal clear. When we pointed it out, he said, “It’s my lucky hoodie.” I knew right then… he was not winning.
Image credits: echoauroraa
#15
Friend of mines does defence against injury claims for companies, currently working on where the guy tried to kick a moving train. Lost his leg and currently suing the train company for damages.
Whole things on camera.
Image credits: MCMLIXXIX
#16
I worked for a trial graphics firm and was working on a case where a forklift driver was driving maniaclly and ran into a cinderblock wall of a new construction. It caused enough damage that a gentleman on a ladder on the 2nd level of the structure fell and fractured some vertabrae.
The forklift driver was reprimanded the day prior driving the forklift in an unsafe manner. In his deposition, he bragged about how many speeding tickets and traffic violations he racked up in his corvette.
It was fun watching the deposition back with the plaintiffs attorney.
Image credits: Stonewool_Jackson
#17
Not a lawyer but was in court to testify. Defendant in another case is pleading guilty. The judge requires him to allocute and he gives a detailed description of his crime. He finishes, the judge looks at some paperwork and says “Sir, that’s not what you’re charged with.”.
Image credits: MountainDog111
#18
Any cases where someone states “I am sovereign and not subject to your jurisdiction.”.
Image credits: Johnnywannabe
#19
A man approached the court for a reduction in his child maintenance payments to my client while driving a brand new BMW SUV. He said because I was a junior at the time, he’d handle the case himself and he’d “squash” me. After his poor attempt at compiling his disclosure of his financials, he was investigated and it was found that he was laundering money through a fake online church. He’s now being criminally prosecuted.
Image credits: VanNoctua
#20
NAL, but I felt the need to share my own singular sovcit experience. Canadian by the way.
In traffic court, waiting for my turn. Guy is called. Stands up, and is dressed and looks repsectable. Business suit, clean, hair combed, suitcase. Would have guessed he was a lawyer, if he was sitting ahead of the bar.
He stands up, and says out loud, “Well, I have a driver’s liscence with that name on it, but as its in capitals you can see that’s the name of a corporation, your honour.”
The justice on the bench did his best to be reasonable with this guy. But the guy immeadiatly starts a speech about how the system is corrupt and there needs to be changes.
He would go on about that several times in the next while.
This first time, the justice says, “That’s not what we are here to discuss today. We’re here for a speeding ticket. And if *defendant’s name* doesn’t present himself in front of this bar, I’m ruling a conviction in absense.”
So the defendant hustles in front of the bar (officially presenting himself for the case, behind the bar is gallery only) and proceeds to start an indignant series of acid born arguements that were so bizzare as to verge on schitzophrenia.
Highlights were:
Trying to invoke papal law. To which the justice responds, “Papal law? This isn’t rome, that doesn’t apply here.”
Defendant tries to quote admiralty law, which perplexes the justice as, “Where do you get admiralty law? This is Alberta, this is the most landlocked province in the country. Where do you get admiralty law?”
The defendant replies, straight faced and serious, “Well there used to be a fountain in the basement, sir.”
Mind you, defendant hasn’t even made his initial plea yet. Multiple times the justice tries to steer him back on track, and the guy keeps responding, “Well, I did it, but that’s not the point.”
So well after a balif has been called to keep an eye on this thing, and I, witnessing this, have finally realized I wasn’t dreaming, the justice on the bench finally says, “Ok. Fine, you’ve said you’ve done it multiple times before, and I’ll accept that as a guilty plea.” Hands out fine and thirty days to pay, next case.
Image credits: Jurayvis
#21
Potential Client: I want to sue the Hilton for racial discrimination. They refused to let me use the pool because I’m black.
Me: Wait – you came down from your room and they told you no?
PC: No, I came in from the beach and they said no.
Me: Wait, were you staying there?
PC: No, but there were white people in the pool and a white guy said I couldn’t use it!
Another lawyer took the case. Either didn’t ask the right questions or didn’t care.
Image credits: billding1234
#22
About halfway through a frivolous order of protection hearing against my client seeking visitation with his son, after the woman admitted she wasn’t in danger and a friend told her filing an order of protection would keep him from getting visitation…as the judge was reaming her out she blurted out, I want a lawyer!
Image credits: Sea-Act-1603
#23
There was a tiktok video of a guy attending a zoom court hearing for his suspended driving license, he was driving while doing the zoom call.
Image credits: sengir0
#24
One of my wife’s very old cases. DV where the male partner was accused of assaulting the woman. Defence was:
“Well, yes she was pregnant and I hit her in the belly, but it wasn’t with an *iron* bar”
The judge was not amused.
Image credits: AchillesNtortus
#25
My mom’s client lost his case cause he kept posting his workout videos and pics to Facebook after his car accident. He just would not stop and I think was addicted. Apparently showing off his physique was more important than his case. My mom had to tell another client not to post vacation pics of her on a dune buggy in Dubai after her accident and she was majorly pissed off for it. Baffling really.
Image credits: All1012
#26
Client’s in jail awaiting trial for an unrelated charge. Client decides he wants out of there and stacks chairs in the rec room. Client climbs chairs, pushes through the ceiling tile, then crawls on top of ceiling toward the next room over. Client falls through the ceiling five feet from the starting point and plummets ten feet in a shower of ceiling tiles.
Client somehow manages to land on his feet.
Client grabs fallen ceiling tiles, stacks them on top of chair stack, then attempts to escape again.
Client falls through a different part of the ceiling.
All of this is captured on jail video camera.
Image credits: IamMcLevin
#27
Not a lawyer, but I used to sell advertising to attorney.
I was walking into an attorney meeting, when he pulled me aside and said we’d need to reschedule as he has a bit of a complication going on. I asked him what that was and he said “Well my client brought his girlfriend to his divorce meeting with his wife”
And I went “Alrightly, you have fun with that one” and wished him and left.
Image credits: BT225073
#28
Not a lawyer but work in the courthouse, had a civil trial with Judge and jury which is super rare for us because who the f**k wants the unpredictability of a jury in a motor vehicle collision.
There was a car accident, he sustained injuries to his back, his spine, his neck, his head, his tailbone, and about 3 other ways of describing back pain. He hadn’t initiated the action until a year later, because alot of his symptoms were late onset, then on the stand while testifying he admitted something to the effect of “I wasn’t going to bother with suing, but the cost of living crisis has gotten out of hand, I’d like to buy a house and real estate prices are crazy high, so I’d like the money”
Surprise surprise, this did not sway the jury who had to give up two weeks of their lives for this guy’s stupid trial. He lost. So ontop of his financial worries, he was on the hook for the other guys legal fees.
Image credits: Tallproley
#29
Client sued for injuries from a car accident. He had about 3 or 4 other accidents within the 3 years prior. One of them was a big rollover accident. He had medical treatment for all of them but he only disclosed the accidents that were not the rollover. Also, insurance company saw on his instagram that he went skiing even though he was complaining about pain in his low back that was so bad he couldn’t walk. We should never have taken the case, I don’t know why the office signed him up.
Image credits: Morbidhanson
#30
I saw a defendant pulled in for a show cause for violating probation. His d**g test had showed positive for c*****e.
He stood up and shouted that it was a false positive because he “drank three 2-liters of Coke that day.” His lawyer grabbed him to sit down with one hand while facepalming with the other.
Image credits: Orange_Kid
#31
Jury trial. Client on the stand. We’d gone over this evidence dozens of times before. The date of the service of a document was dispositive for the entire case:
Q: What is the office policy regarding issuing this letter to over-due accounts?
A: We do it on the 5th of every month.
(I already was ready to face-palm here, because the document is dated the 3rd.)
Q: Exhibit A is dated the 3rd, why is that?
(hoping she would say “the 5th was a Sunday, so we wanted to get it out early.” Instead she said…)
A: I don’t know. It shouldn’t be. If the 5th is a Sunday, we are supposed to serve it on the 6th.
(Double face palm)
Q: But if you dated it the third and signed the proof of service for the third, that would mean you served it on the third, right?
(Objection, leading. Sustained. Absolutely the correct call by OC and judge)
Q: When did you serve the document?
A: I have no idea.
…..
F**k.
#32
Okay it wasn’t my client, but I was prosecuting a case, DWI 3rd offense, reckless driving, neg use of a firearm (not relevant but the law on that one needs to change. If you’re drunk and a cop found you with it in the car, that’s enough to convict, 99% of the time though our office would dismiss that charge for a DWI plea) and a*****t on a police officer.
In our jurisdiction DWI 4th is a felony, so preliminary hearing required. Those are usually waived since it’s pretty clear if PC existed in DWIs, but the defendant is pro se and refused to waive. So I finish my questioning of the officer. Defendant requests cross. First question: “Isn’t it true you only added the a*****t charge because when I hit you you started crying like a b***h?” F*****g stunned the entire courtroom. Judge told him to watch the language and recommended that he be represented by an attorney since the question was also an admission.
Pretty sure he just wanted to do it for the spectacle. He said no further questions, judge ruled PC existed to continue. He came over to me talking about pleas and we wrapped that up before the end of the day.
#33
Happened to a friend of mine a few years back in Canada versus Telus.
Telus offered a promotion on his contract and he always would call in and say he just wants his original contract price, which was 15$ cheaper than what it was worth now. So every year, he would call in and ask if he can extend his contract by another year.
Well, last year, as that price was practically non existent, they immediately bumped his price up when he phoned in, stating that he was on a glitched account and his original contract was noot, because they didn’t sign a contract every time they extended it. So they charged him over 8000$ for the plan.
But what Telus didn’t do, or this rep and this whole department didn’t do, is that they should have asked to see the contract he had first, and seen that they did do that, and he has emails, phone calls, dates and letters and pictures, to prove that they did.
So he takes Telus to court, hires a fancy lawyer, and seeks I think the maximum in B.C Small Claims is $40,000, so $40,000 in mental anguish, breach of contract and pressure tactics, and wins.
The lawyer warned Telus, and said “Hey, I put a lot of evidence into discovery for you guys to comb over, are you guys sure you want to pursue this? It’s a pretty strong case, I highly advise to look at this!” Telus said no need, we have our proof.
Their proof? Original contract that has an end date, and their defense looked super smug and happy. My buddies proof? All the amended contract emails, agent names, dates, phone call transcripts they got from Telus, everything.
Judge ruled in my buddies favor, and even made the comment “He gave you a chance”.
#34
Client was on trial for Murder 1, and OJ’s case looked like a plot from Suits compared to this. Nobody has ever been worse at crime in the history of crime.
We were appointed counsel, which means were private employees who sorta offer to be on standby when they run out of public defenders. We were his fifth; he’d fired the four prior because they kept telling him to just get started on the life sentence because this was already over. They were right.
My client was on trial because he executed his girlfriend with a pair of gunshots. He did it because she’d secretly aborted a pregnancy that *might* have been his. He found out when he picked her up at the clinic. As they drove home, both of them live texted their hour of conversation, including all of threats to k**l her for this when they got home, which he did.
My client’s apartment building had recently upgraded to full color, telescopic 4k security cameras. We think he didn’t know the upgrade had closed the blind spots. S**t looked like film from the Super Bowl.
My client was also the only 6’4” Hispanic man with bright red hair and a taste for rare, designer sneakers that I and his victim had ever met. This makes it difficult to argue it is “not him” while the prosecution plays his Gotham City highlight reel on a projector.
My client not only shot her with *his own gun*, he brought his phone with him while he drove out to the remote spot where it was found.
My client also texted his friend to buy him the next one way ticket to different country “no questions asked.” He made sure to give him his credit card to buy it though, cause we can’t leave our homies on the hook for that bill.
Finally, my friend client had to hide his grin under his hand while the victim’s family cried on the stand.
The jury deliberated for 43 minutes.
#35
My Dad was a corporate attorney who occasionally tried cases. His worst experience was representing a racist property manager. The plaintiff was a Black **nun** who was so distressed by the situation that she lost large clumps of hair.
My Dad had to question her while she cried on the stand with visible bald spots. He felt absolutely horrible and his client lost.
#36
I’m not a lawyer, but my mother-in-law’s divorce attorney would have a great answer to this. My father-in-law started to suffer from early onset dementia, which triggered a series of events resulting in my mother-in-law (not wrongly) filing for divorce.
Throughout the 3 years of divorce proceedings, my father-in-law’s condition became very obvious, to the point he was showing up to court in garbage bags (when his lawyer was able to get him there). By the end of the divorce he was living in a memory care facility (which was about as close to hell on earth as you’d imagine) and his sister had power of attorney. When everything was settled, their estate was split 50/50.
Yet my mother-in-law insisted he was faking it and that he had hidden millions on offshore accounts. So she sued. She couldn’t prove he ever had millions of dollars on the first place. She insisted he was faking it despite several doctors and attesting to his condition. So pretty much all of the proceedings were “she’s not winning”. But she insisted.
When their divorce proceedings were finalized she had over $750k. By the time her failed attempt to sue ended, she was down to $125k.
#37
I was the defendant, not the lawyer. But I’ll make this quick. If you’re going to try to sue for in excess of $100,000 for life changing injuries over a tiny no-damage “fender no-bender” maybe don’t leave your social media public. And if you do, maybe don’t upload pictures and video of yourself rock climbing, hiking, and going to “extreme trampoline parks.”
And for the record, they got nothing. They should have settled with the insurer… they’d have gotten $10k to go away.
#38
This is rather boring compared to other stories. It was a child custody case in a county I don’t normally practice in. Mom, my client, wouldn’t agree to a rather good settlement agreement and wanted her way 100%. She wanted a judge to decide rather than the parties settling where they both walk away winning and losing in a sense. The hearing starts, and the judge enters. We all rise like you typically do and the judge unleashes a tirade telling us to sit down, it’s obvious we’re from the big city all dressed up, but it’s his courtroom and he’s in charge. Then the judge mentioned his military service, and I knew that minute we weren’t going to win this case. The dad was formal military. I pissed the judge off by not taking the time to know how he operates his courtroom before appearing in it. Judge ordered a dad favorable opinion. Mom was mad. I learned two valuable lessons. The first is that settlement is preferred because you at least have some control over the outcome. And the second is get to know the court you are in.
Edit: Most civil court cases are legally nearly 50/50. Both parties have legal standing to present their version of events and proposed remedies based on legally sound arguments. There’s only a c**t hair of legal difference between the two sides. Having a professional relationship with the judge (and county bar association) can be the difference between winning and losing a case. If there’s not much to go on. The judge is going to side with the one person they know because it becomes about character and trusting a lawyer’s candor at that point. It’s just a reality.
#39
Not a lawyer, but this one always make me chuckle. A friend of mine rear-ended another vehicle. They exchanged info, there didn’t seem to be any damage or injury, and they went on their way. TWO YEARS LATER, my friend receives word that she’s being sued for injuries from the accident. The other party had *a sprained wrist* and was suing for $25,000 for pain, suffering, loss of wages, etc. So, my friend calls her insurance company and they say they’ll take care of it.
Long story shorter, insurance company offers her $5,000 for her to go away. She insists her injuries deserve better compensation. They offer her $7,500. She still refuses. They offer her $12,500. She laughs and says “See you in court.” And, they did about a year later, case went before a jury. She “won” and was awarded $2,300, one third of which had to go to the lawyer she’d hired.
So, instead of taking $12,500 of which she would have gotten 100%, she “went to trial” and ended up getting 66% of $2,300 (so about $1,500) and had to wait a whole other year to get it.
Yeah, that’s a win.
#40
I’m a Public Defender. Where do I start?
Had a resisting an officer case that was actually a good trial case. Unfortunately there were certain facts we needed that could only come in through my client, so it was the very rare instance where the client needed to testify. During cross examination he randomly blurted out at the jury… the entirely rural, white jury of conservative blue collar paper mill workers…. “I thought I was gonna get George Floyded!” Read a room he could not.
Had a client get pulled over for driving at night without his headlights on. Officer gave him a warning and then let him go… and then in passing while turning to go back to his squad car asked, “Oh.. you don’t have anything illegal in your car, right?” His response? “Naaa… you can search it if you want.” Pro-tip: if you give the cops permission to search your car, they’re gonna search your car. Shocker! Found open containers. 0.27 BAC.
I have so, so many….
#41
My squad was searching a stash house on a warrant. This is part of a takedown of a violent organization and there were a bunch of houses being searched at the same time. The house I was in was a known stash for guns and d***s and during our investigation, we bought multiple guns which came out of this house.
I was searching the kitchen in full kit when someone opened the back door and popped their head in. I turned around, he looked at me, I looked at him, then he backed out and slammed the door shut. I ran to the door, opened it, and he was standing right there with his hands up.
I sat him down on the patio steps and started to get his information while my SGT ran him through NCIC. The guy was cooperative but wide eyed and nervous AF. As I stood there and began to look at his waistline, I could see a clear outline of a gun in his jacket pocket. My BWC footage showed what was almost textbook “printing” of the gun while I stood in front of him.
He didn’t fight; he just accepted getting cuffed and arrested. Possession of a handgun by a prohibited person.
He went to booking and after getting into the jail, he made a phone call. Keep in mind that the phone system very clearly says all conversations are monitored and recorded. During this phone call, he told the other party that he had a satchel with $700 cash and c**e that he tossed over the fence before I came out the back door.
A couple detectives went over there and found the bag. There was a big snowfall that morning, there were no footsteps anywhere near the bag, the bag did not have any snow on top of it. Inside the bag was $700 cash, c*****e, and the guy’s drivers license.
Dude filed a motion to suppress. His position was that I had no right to detain him. He lost that motion pretty badly and plead out. Our State’s Attorney cited something like 7 clearly established cases which showed that this position was comically wrong at best.
At the end of the hearing, the Judge told the guy he was going to put him in an employment education program because he needed to find a new job because he was so terrible at being a d**g dealer.
#42
Not a lawyer but… I was in a 5mph car accident. Bumper to bumper traffic, rush hour, everyone just inching up every 39 seconds or so.
The genius next to me pulled into my lane, his passenger rear tire made contact with my drivers side front tire.
Pulled into a fast food place to wait for police bcz he INSISTED on a police report.
1 week later I get the news that he says I pulled into his lane & he has a litany of “injuries”. I was absolutely LIVID. He was lying & trying to game the system.
I went on a mission to learn everything I could about him and discovered that he fancied himself a personal trainer. Amazingly, he was holding a group session at a public park the very next weekend.
Now, I live in Florida which does not allow recording without consent UNLESS you’re in a public place. I setup at a park bench that same weekend and recorded his dumb a*s for 1.5 hours. Pull-ups, push ups, ropes, throwing a giant medicine ball (dude was definitely in-shape). I sent the video to my insurance company and told them not to pay a dime.
They told him to pound sand and we all lived happily ever after.
#43
Late to the party, but IAAL who ended up on jury duty. (Gotta love when both sides use up all their strikes before they get to you during voir dire…)
Sat on a criminal case.
It was a late-night / early-morning purse snatching. Guy stole the purse from women just as a cop was driving by, and there was a line of sight on the defendant for all but < 30 seconds, and there was also blood evidence from when he cut his hand while jumping a fence, leading to a 99.9...% certainty. The defense’s full argument was that the person who stole the purse was wearing a shirt, and his client, when arrested, was shirtless. (Keep in mind, there was a shirt found along the direct path of pursuit.) I get that you’ve gotta hang your hat on whatever you can to defend your clients, so I respect the effort. That being said, when the prosecution entered into evidence a statement of the defendant asking the police “Can I have my shirt back?”, you could hear the facepalms from miles away. So glad I practice transactional law…
#44
When I clerked for a trial judge, we had a divorce case where the wife was asking for way more than the standard calculation for maintenance/alimony would have allowed her. She showed up to her trial date dressed in head to toe designer clothing with a $$$ designer purse. She lost. Afterward, the judge told me, “If she wanted to claim she was so bad off financially she should have left the pearls and Prada at home.”.
#45
Had a client, on a recorded jail call and on camera, say, “When I get out, I’m going to {commit specific crime}”. He then posted bond, got out of jail, and committed that specific crime. In front of several witnesses. And on camera.
#46
Not my client, but it was my case to defend. There’s a type of suit known as a 1983 that plaintiffs file to allege that their constitutional rights have been violated.
Guess which constitutional rights this genius claimed were violated?
Those rights pursuant to the 13th Amendment to the Constitution. You know, the one that prohibits slavery.
You’re probably thinking, this guy is a fool and he has no idea about constitutional law.
Well yes. But the plaintiff was *an attorney* and he was claiming that certain conditions of his employment violated his constitutional right to not be a slave. These horrible conditions were to come to work and do work as assigned by his boss.
Suffice it to say that the judge was not impressed, granted the motion to dismiss, and yes, sanctioned the plaintiff for filing a frivolous lawsuit.
#47
In an ongoing custody suit, my client asked his ex via text for urine because he had to take a d**g test for a potential employer and would fail.
#48
Client claimed he was injured in a car crash, was in a neck brace and couldn’t work because he couldn’t turn his neck. Defendant’s family dropped a stack of folders making a loud noise, and he reacted by turning around and looking. Judge saw it, everyone saw it. Roll credits.
#49
NAL, but when my Ex-SIL and brother were getting divorced, my niece filmed her mother (the ex-SIL) chucking bowling ball sized rocks at my brother’s truck. Ex-SIL was in an unmedicated bipolar manic phase (because “she didn’t have a problem”) and obsessively worked out at the gym, so she could put a lot of force into her throws. ExSIL screamed at my niece to stop filming because privacy. ExSIL later got charged with domestic violence and pled “not guilty” because she “didn’t do anything wrong.” She was so convinced of this that she didn’t mention the existence of the video to her lawyer, who had a nasty shock in court when the video was played. Nutshell version: homegirl got charged and got probation.
#50
NAL, but i used to work with a h****n a****t who legally changed his name to Captain America. It was on his driver’s license.
When i asked him why, he said it was because he wanted the judge on his cases to have to call him Captain America.
#51
Not a lawyer but both defendants husband and wife showed up way late 15 and 30 minutes late.
Wife had big mouth and talked her way into judge stating she was ‘utter essence of contempt’.
#52
Not a lawyer, but a business acquaintance was being sued over a slip and fall that apparently left this guy permanently disabled and unable to walk. His s*****g (by reputation) lawyer turned down settlements and was apparently a nightmare in court ordered mediation.
The whole thing fell apart when my acquaintance’s lawyer won a hearing over the plaintiff’s motion to exclude video evidence from a private investigator. Guess who was recorded multiple times walking (and once running in the rain) into his lawyer’s office?
Apparently the Judge ruled in a morning hearing and the case was dismissed with prejudice before close of business that same day.
#53
Order of protection case. Victim filed. A****r shows up for court in a suit with sunglasses on. (I don’t have proof of this but he was a m**h a****t so pretty sure he was trying to hide the pinpoint pupils.) A****r decided he is going to exercise his right to hear what he has done and question the victim. Victim gets up on stand and answers his questions honestly. One of the questions was: Why are you working with the police to put me under surveillance via cameras in my light fixtures? Victim responded: there are no cameras. You’re on m**h and hallucinating. (Cue court room erupting in laughter including the court employees.) I’ve never seen a court room get so loud in real life and watched the judge start yelling for quiet and banging the gavel. Victim was terrified she had done something wrong and kept apologizing to the judge. At the end…the judge granted the longest OOP possible via the state then excused the victim and family. As victim was walking out the judge laid into the a****r and then some about how much of a disgrace he was to the community and how his parents and grandparents were rolling over in their grave. He should be ashamed of himself. The judge continued this until they determined the victim had time to get in their vehicle and leave.
#54
Couple neglectfully allowed their pet ferrets to maul their very young child while they slowly warmed a bottle as the baby screamed for help. Permanent damage to child’s feet and ankles. Ferrets were put down by animal control. Parents wanted to sue animal control over the animals and also try to get their homeowner’s insurance to pay the medical bills. The first case ever assigned to me.
#55
I had a client walk into the DCS (family services) office and demand to be d**g tested immediately. They tested positive for almost everything. Still can’t figure out what they were hoping to achieve. .
#56
I’m not an attorney; but I work for the state equivalent of the IRS. My job is to resolve tax disputes before trial, and if they go to trial, I am the State’s primary witness.
This means I’m subject to cross examination by the other side (typically the taxpayer).
I was dealing with a difficult [agitated/aggressive] taxpayer for an extended period of time. This is common before trial – we try not to go to trial, so there was a prolonged period of me trying to explain why we did what we did. I had some brutal trial prep with our attorneys to get me ready for anticipated cross examination.
To reiterate, I work for the state equivalent of the IRS, the IRS being a federal agency. I gave my testimony. Then the taxpayer was allowed to cross examine me.
He asked me “why the IRS disallowed his refund.”
I explained [for about the fifth time] I do not work for the IRS, and I do not know why the IRS did what they did. He would need to ask the IRS.
I was tempted to comment that if the IRS also disallowed his refund, it would appear the state-side adjustment was also correct, since we follow federal law. I decided against it.
Next he said, “No further questions.”
Going to trial is expensive. Both sides had to split the costs for the court stenographer ($1,400, so $700 each).
During the lead-up to the trial, I told him multiple times **we are not the IRS**.
Dude literally paid $700 to ask me under oath if I worked for the IRS; because apparently my telling him multiple times that I do not (and all of our correspondences being on my State’s letterhead) was not good enough for him. I think he may have had some brutal follow-up questions for the IRS, and he was completely blindsided by this revelation? IDK. The amount at issue was about $3,000; so $700 was a hefty amount for the taxpayer.
Of course he lost. We knew we were probably going to win before trial, but when he declined to even ask me any questions which could advance his case, it was clearly over.
Edit: minor grammar.
#57
I was defending the case so it wasn’t my client, but the guy testified very clearly, under oath, multiple times, in no way that could be mistaken that he was seen by a very reputable specialist who diagnosed him with an irreversible condition that was a key issue in the case. We ended up settling for nothing more than nuisance value (nearly pocket change), but I was holding in my pocket until trial (in case I needed it) that the reputable doctor had died several months before he evaluated this guy. That would have been a fun one to try.
#58
Attorney filed a motion, asking to excuse clients’s previous default due to the conduct of client’s previous counsel. Unfortunately, the movant was also client’s previous counsel.
#59
DUI 3rd offense, single-vehicle crash into a guardrail at about 15 mph. Driver was arrested and booked in a shirt that read “No Laws When You’re Drinking Claws.” There were 5 empty White Claws in the passenger footwell and a cold, half-empty White Claw in the cupholder. The first and second offenses were both less than 5 years old.
I requested a SCRAM device (portable breathalyzer) to read 4x/day without making much of an argument. Defense counsel raised a stink about the intrusiveness of the monitoring device. The judge just looked at him, then at the defendant in the dock, and said, “Nice shirt, sir.” He got put on the SCRAM.
He pled out, which was a shame–my opening was just going to be waving his booking photo at the jury and intoning, “Turns out there are laws, even when you’re drinking Claws.”.
#60
I did a lot of child welfare work back in the day. Had multiple parents who were trying to get their kids back walk into court with wildly inappropriate outfits. t shirts with pot leaves (back when people cared); sexually suggestive graphics/slogans; a hat that said Cop Killa’. Didn’t really impact outcome but sure as hell didn’t help them that day.
Had another guy who was a decent dude but chronically homeless. He came in with a ragged suit and tie and apologized bc it was something he found in a trash bin but said he wanted to look the best he could for court. Got custody of his kid and the state wrote all kinds of checks to help him get back on his feet.
Long story short- giving a s**t that you are in a court room in the first place- goes a huge way.
#61
I am currently in litigation. The fact that the defendant has changed lawyers 4 times over the last 2 years with two of them entering a Motion to Withdrawal tells me everything I need to know.
#62
Gal is charged with violation of a restraining order. She was ordered not to come within 100 yards of her ex-boyfriend’s house. He calls the cops, “that crazy b***h is here again.” Cops pull up and she’s in the front yard, waving her arms and screaming nonsense. They walk right up and cuff her.
I try to get her found unfit to stand trial but it doesn’t work, so she demands a jury. I’m standing there in front of the jury conteplating trying the Shaggy defense in real life. What else did I have?
#63
Not a lawyer, but served on a jury a few months ago.
Members of the jury were instructed not to discuss details of the case with each other, but we were sent out into town to fend for ourselves at lunch. On the first day of the trial, I (and all the other jury members) could not help but notice a half dozen instances of the thing that the plaintiff’s expert witness testified about. And the expert witnesses testimony was very wrong. Plaintiff list the trial right then and there. During deliberation (which lasted maybe two minutes), the entire jury referenced walking to lunch on day one as clinching the “no liability” decision.
The plaintiff lost because the jury had a chance to inspect sidewalks.
#64
I once had an evidentiary hearing where the opposing counsel had just misread the law. Not a big deal; however, the lawyer was relying on a statutory defense that only applies to cases that had gone to final judgment beyond 30+ days. Both my brief and memorandum of law in support of my client’s position made clear reference to the rule and why opposing counsel’s case was fatally defective.
When the case was called (and I’ll never forget this), the judge didn’t even allow opposing counsel to begin his argument. It was just: “Counsel, your motion is denied, call the next case.”.
#65
Client who owns a restaurant caught employee stealing 1 raw chcken product. The employee been working for a month. She wants to sue for 1.5M without any proof. The employee begging to settle it for 10k. The price of the product here is only at least 60pesos.
#66
I’m about to go to trial. Dwi case. Remote started Truck in driveway keys inside home. Expert witness to prove the truck can’t drive without keys. Scheduled preliminary at the office the following day. The client gets another dwi in another county and won’t make it to the 1st trial. Can’t make this up.
#67
Im not a lawyer but had a law class that was taught by a lawyer who told us this story and had us do a project over this active case he was a part of (not civil, he wasn’t commiting any crimes by having us do this.
Basically this guy decided he wanted to see his kid on his kids birthday and went over to his wife’s house (they were living separately) the kid said he wanted to go with his dad but his mom wouldn’t let him do this dude forcibly grabbed the kid and tried to leave. His wife then attacked him and he ended up grabbing a hammer and getting her with it a couple times.
Well when it’s time for court, this guy decides he doesn’t want a lawyer and would rather defend himself due to the fact that he had done that before and won (somehow). Well in his pre-trial hearing (no, not even in trial) the dude tries to get out of this by claiming that his name isn’t actually what is on the judge’s sheet because he claims he writes his name in all capital letters, which makes it an LLC. Obviously the judge doesn’t care because that isn’t how it works but the dude keeps claiming that he doesn’t recognize the charges against him and claims his LLC is actually being sued, not individually charged with a crime. The judge decides to revoke his right to represent himself due to this (she claimed he wasn’t competent to represent himself because he refused to acknowledge that he wasn’t being charged as an LLC) and the guy is given a lawyer.
Well he loses the case and gets really pissed off because he thinks he could have won it if he defended himself and decides to appeal, and claims the judge took away his civil rights, however in his appeal he just conveniently decides not to send the transcript of the competency hearing that the judge used to decide if he was competent to represent himself or not. Again in this appeal he is given a lawyer and not allowed to represent himself (who was my teacher this time) and then tries to sue my teacher because he doesn’t want a lawyer that badly.
My teacher got unassigned from this case after telling the judge, but the guy didn’t win the appeal lol.
#68
My lawyer was an absolute d**k and I loved him for it. I did everything he told me to do and didn’t do anything he told me not to do. I got full custody of my two year old son in Tennessee of all places. She got the car but had to make the payments. She didn’t. Ford Motor Credit started hassling me even at work.
So, one fine day, their collections department called me at work and I asked ‘am I legally obligated to tell you where the vehicle is located?’ The rep said ‘yes’ so I gave them her address. Three hours later I got a very angry call from the ex asking me if I told them where to find it. I laughed and said ‘yep’ and hung up. I got in touch with Ford credit, re sent the court order, and it didn’t go against my credit but it sure butt f****d hers.
Trust me on this one. Follow your attorneys instructions always. If they’re any good they have a plan and if you deviate from that plan they’re going to be left saying ‘uh uh uh your honor I was not aware of that’. Attorneys DO NOT like that. Bad plan man. If they say ‘no contact’ that means NO contact.
It did help that I’m a sneaky devious b*****d and gathered evidence of her breaking court orders on the side without contacting her.
#69
A client contacted me about the following situation: He starts a relationship with a pregnant woman who had nowhere to live, so he offered her to move into his house in exchange for giving the baby his last name once it was born since the biological father was never there. The thing is, five years later they separate, and now he’s coming to my office wanting to file a request to change the child’s last name. What’s the issue? In my country, identity fraud is a crime, and a very serious one. If the authorities become aware of this situation, the man could spend MANY years in prison. He was literally trying to confess to a crime.
#70
Had a couple misdemeanor cases where my clients took the stand and essentially immediately admitted to doing the specific act they had been charged with but they didn’t use the exact words so they thought it was fine.
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