Some people might find true family and connection in their friends. Yet others may only experience pain and toxicity. A 2011 poll by TODAY showed that it’s more common than we think: eight in 10 Americans said they’ve had a toxic friend at some point in their lives. What’s more, the statistics were higher for women: 84% experienced a toxic friendship.
This woman found herself in an unpleasant friendship, too. After she found out her friends deemed her ‘too ugly’ for her boyfriend behind her back, she wondered how she should approach them. That’s why she asked for advice online: should she just overcome her insecurities, or is it best to kick these friends out of her life?
A woman had to deal with friends telling her she’s not attractive enough for her boyfriend
Image credits: Allef Vinicius / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
But she had enough after she found out they were gossiping about her behind her back
Image credits: Getty Images / Unsplash (not the actual photo)
Image credits: freepik (not the actual photo)
Image credits: GhoulsAnonymous
In the comments, she wrote more about her appearance and why some people might call the BF “out of her league”
Attractiveness is so much more than a person’s physical features
Are looks really the most important thing people look for in a partner? Research from all over the world shows that no – people value personality way more when it comes to a partner. And although women tend to be more pro-personality than men, the trend is still obvious all across the globe.
In the U.S., around 93% of women say that having a partner whose personality they like matters more than their looks. 68% of American men said the same. In Britain, sense of humor comes in second for both men (32%) and women (33%).
Women also choose their partners based on shared interests, good looks, and financial standing last. It’s very similar for men, with good looks rated as the fifth most important thing in a partner.
A 2024 study also found that a partner’s sense of self-compassion boosts a partner’s relationship satisfaction. Individuals who treat themselves with kindness are perceived by partners as good at constructive conflict resolution, trustworthy, and strongly committed.
We’re somewhat wired to find certain physical features attractive due to biology
That’s not to say that looks don’t matter at all. But when we consider whether a person looks attractive, it doesn’t necessarily mean their physical features. Things like good hygiene, personal style, and good posture all contribute to a person’s attractiveness.
Evolutionary scientists say that we’re attracted to people that we see as best mates biologically. Men, for example, look for physical signs of fertility in women – some relate it to a woman’s hip size. There’s also age: men tend to choose younger partners in many cultures due to their perceived fertility.
In turn, women look for physical signs of strength and ability to provide for children in men. That can sometimes manifest as being attracted to musculature in the upper body. In general, we might unconsciously rate potential mates based on what genes they can pass on to our children.
Love and physical attraction are two different things
Some people don’t need to be physically attracted to a person to experience love; it’s usually people who identify as asexual. Those who have experienced trauma might also not feel physical attraction but still form romantic relationships.
But research also shows that attraction may weaken with time, especially for women, but love doesn’t. When people say that they fall in love with their partner more and more every day, there’s some truth to that. Studies have shown that we find faces that we see often more attractive. Therefore, familiarity can make someone more attractive.
The relationship between attraction and love is also very personal and depends on the individual. According to the coordinator of gender-based violence prevention at Johns Hopkins University, Tyler Conzone, MPH, “we can look at anyone in our lives and find attractive qualities within them, while knowing what role we want them to play in our lives.”
“You can find a friend physically attractive or be able to share your feelings with them, but in your heart, you know that you wouldn’t want to be with them romantically. Similarly, you can be romantically attracted to someone or know someone is ‘perfect on paper’ for you, but if there isn’t the right connection, then there’s no way that a romantic relationship could work,” she explains.
“Drop the backstabbing friends, get supportive ones,” the commenters responded
The supportive comments inspired her and her BF to look for a new group of friends
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