Cheating—it’s cruel, messy, and more common than most would expect. YouGov reports that over half of people in monogamous relationships have been cheated on, whether emotionally or physically.

But here’s the catch: cheaters rarely confess. They lie, deflect, or start acting just odd enough to raise suspicion.

So who better to spot the signs than the people who’ve been there? These are the red flags they say you shouldn’t overlook.

More info: Reddit | Reddit | Reddit

#1

I got mailed a wedding invitation by his fiance of four years that I had thought was just a good friend of his.

That was not only a clear-cut sign he was cheating, but that I was the other woman and in second place.

Image credits: Cursethewind

#2

My high school boyfriend never saved phone numbers into his phone. He claimed he was just “too lazy.” Turns out the unsaved numbers belonged to his many many side girls.

Image credits: Ashbrincon

#3

From my experience, finding more reasons to be mad at you and blame you for things. He was getting so upset any time I made small mistakes to make our failed relationship my fault.

Image credits: IWishIWasMoreClever1

#4

For me it was the breath mints. Out of nowhere she started using breath mints. I would find breath mints in her car and in her purse.

Image credits: tank_of_happiness

#5

When my ex cheated on me, he had been on his phone all the time, turning it away from me, and going out a lot without me (I was friends with his friends). This wasn’t enough to make me twig though.

I went away for the night to visit my best friend who lived in another city. That night we were texting and he asked me twice what time I was coming home. Still didn’t think anything of it, until I got home, and the flat we shared was completely spotless and the bedsheets were changed. I instantly knew at that point – he never did any housework unless I begged him to. He went in the shower and I went through his phone, and I found texts to somebody who I thought was my friend, about how they can’t wait to do last night again. Scrolling up, they were talking about how they’d almost been caught by their friends on all those nights without me etc.

So yeah. F**k that guy.

Image credits: burgeremoji

#6

“Just a friend”
“Just”

That extra word is unnecessary and is a sign of guilt that they are at the very least emotionally cheating on you.

Image credits: anon

#7

Has a 20 minute explanation involving aliens, a cactus and a snake wearing a vest when asked why they were late coming home from work instead of the usual 1 or 2 word answer they usually give.

Image credits: PunchBeard

#8

Every relationship I had that ended because I found out they were cheating had one common denominator:

They frequently accused me of cheating.

Like, all the time. I have never cheated.

For example, my last ex accused me of making plans to go cheat on them with an actor from tv. I didn’t even know the actor’s real name, I just thought the actor was cute. Cue huge fight. Find out later they’ve been cheating on me with “just a friend, don’t worry”. 5 years later the ridiculousness of it still strikes me from time to time.

Image credits: PetticoatBandit

#9

Long periods of time in which you cannot account for their whereabouts.

And when they do tell you where they have been, they tell you a detailed story, in which they progressively fill in the details because it is a lie. Sad!

Image credits: 35palas12

#10

Fearful of any lasting evidence of the relationship.

I was with someone for many years, and was blissfully unaware she had been cheating on me for an extended time. A number of months before she left me for one of her other guys, she stopped wanting to take pictures of us together. This was in the days of film cameras, and I didn’t pick up on this sudden change in behavior, because I hate having my picture taken and thought she was finally respecting my opinion, as well as saving a lot of money.

Despite that, I suggested we get a portrait done of us together, as I was planning on asking her to marry me, and thought it would be nice to have. I still clearly remember her telling me she thought it wasn’t a good idea, because “what if we ever split up?” It blew my mind, but I had some horrible stuff going on in my life that was distracting me.

After she broke up with me she told any mutual acquaintances that we’d been together for only a year, not almost six as we really had been, and pointed to a lack of pictures as proof I was a crazy ex obsessed with her. It never occurred to her that people who knew us all those years would be willing to say that we had been together for years, or that I still had pictures from our years together.

Also, she started asking me if I would date this person or that person, and letting me know if she “approved” of the choices. Apparently she planned to control my dating life after she dumped me, but that’s a tale for another thread.

Image credits: OfficePsycho

#11

When they say you don’t have to worry about that guy/girl – start worrying.

Image credits: anon

#12

I have cheated, I was married for 5 years and have learned so much since then. I ended up leaving a wonderful person for a new wonderful person and after much hurt, forgiveness and growth I am very blessed with an incredible family. Here are some signs (I am male):

– working late with vague or flippant explanation (wouldn’t your spouse want to be detailed if you probed?) Note: I cheated with someone at work
– hiding or being very careful with my phone and laptop
– having a confidante that isn’t you
– unusual or sudden disinterest in intimacy
– disinterest in long-term plans

Image credits: justsaysso

#13

Her phone was in her hand CONSTANTLY.
I once stood up and walked past her to see what she was typing, it was this:
“looks nice, like you.”

They had started to hang out a lot, going for long dog walks, going to the opera, going for dinner.

She also started to be vile towards me and pick arguments out of nowhere.

She had been saying things like, “don’t you think T is hot, what would you do if we had an affair”.

She had stopped showing any interest in me whatsoever.

She had cheated on her last girlfriend several times and I have no doubt that she had cheated on me more than once during our time together.

Yeah, lesson learned.

Image credits: i_am_gud

#14

You can tell by body language and tone.

A real easy one is they come home and immediately hit the shower, but it’s not hot and they didn’t hit the gym or done anything strenuous.

Image credits: The_Jenazad

#15

Fixing that one little cosmetic thing they have had for years…. like finally getting that toenail fungus under control, or that mole removed…..

Image credits: TheGarp

#16

This is what I noticed in my relationship (I’m a lesbian btw, so we are both girls)

* Suddenly changing her schedule when nothing big has happened in her life (she would start hanging out with friends every night for several hours and not have time to hang out with me (we were not living together at the time))

* Not telling me who was texting her during one of our dates (this was back in the time of flip phones, so I couldn’t see her screen)

* She stopped talking about our future together (we had been planning on moving in together)

* Getting agitated over small questions that should have been no big deal (things like “want me to drive you to class today?”)

* Not answering phone calls, and taking longer to respond to texts.

* Her friends suddenly stopped talking to me.

* She got pregnant.

Excluding the last one, any of those on their own wouldn’t have been a big deal probably. I didn’t even put it all together at first. But when I saw that pregnancy test in her trash can and asked her about it, all of the pieces suddenly fell into place.

Image credits: partofbreakfast

#17

He had Tinder on his phone and claimed that he had downloaded it to troll people.

Sure. Yeah.

Image credits: Frumpyjellyfish

#18

When your partner stops arguing with you, watch out.

Image credits: anon

#19

From what happened with my ex, the biggest one was taking his phone in the bathroom with him when he showered or went to the toilet, and spending a suspiciously long time in the toilet multiple times a day (to the point where I thought he was having serious digestive issues).

Plus: becoming really critical of me, snapping at me, no longer wanting to say ‘I love you’, and snatching his phone away aggressively when I asked if I could use the GPS on it. Oh also, suddenly doing new s*x stuff, but I wouldn’t read too much into that last one – they might have just read some s*x tips in Men’s Health or something.

Image credits: Doorbell254

#20

If they’ve already cheated on you.

Sure, “people change”, but real talk 99% of the time if someone cheats on you, and you forgive them, they will do it again. It’s only a matter of time.

Image credits: makethatnoise

#21

You can feel it. They’re different. They seem to be happier when they leave, but miserable when they come home. The fights are getting more frequent. They show interest in new music and movies that they’ve never shown before, and don’t offer to share them with you. They have a new cologne/perfume and choose to wear it when they’re away from you. They shower more.

Wow. They look nice. You want to touch them, hug them, show them affection and you’re met with disdain and “I’m kind of tired right now, babe.” You start thinking it’s you. Maybe I’m the problem, maybe I’m not doing something right. You start to make changes to better your relationship. You cook their favorite meals, wear the clothes that they used to like on you. You put in the effort more than ever before, but instead of becoming closer to them, they seem angry. You panic. The red flags are in your face and you just want to disappear. You fight, they leave, and you start drinking again.

Image credits: anon

#22

They start trying new things in the bedroom… That was a sign for me. He was trying s**t wit me that she taught him!

Image credits: krrcjr121612

#23

* Being edgy or secretive about their phone calls
* Keeping their phone on silent
* sudden increase in grooming/new clothes (may be irrelevant for certain personalities)
* Being overly irritable with you for no reason
* lack of interest in s*x with you
* a general feeling of becoming more distant
* being out of the house more often than normal
* going through a lot of money and not telling you where it’s going
* accusing you of cheating
* going outside for phone calls and hanging up if you follow
* being very over protective about who you hang out with
* finding them snooping through all your stuff

In my defense I was in my early 20’s, only my second long term relationship. I should have seen these as giant red flags, but …. yeah. Lesson learned.

I do know this isn’t 100% a solid test for fidelity. Yep, you could point out any one of these “signs” and by itself it def doesn’t mean cheating. Yes some people are just private people – it’s more important if these things listed are changes from the norm. This is just what I noticed from personal experience. The more boxes get ticked the more concerned I would be personally.

Image credits: Esmerelda-Weatherwax

#24

My dad wasn’t my partner, but I busted him for cheating on my mother when I suspected that him talking on the phone in the driveway for a half hour each night after she went to bed was not business-related. I don’t even know if I should have done that; the marriage ended.

Image credits: anon

#25

He stopped pressuring me for s*x. I was young and naive and didn’t feel ready. Turns out he wasn’t gonna wait.

Image credits: guilty_milkshake

#26

Lying about where they are.

I think, in my life, I am five to one in this category. Six times in my life, a SO has lied about where they were. Five times, they were cheating. The other time, they were picking out a Valentine’s gift for me.

Image credits: sericatus

#27

When my ex husband cheated on me he just seemed to work a lot more, and during periods where it was phone/online only he wouldn’t let me say no to s*x. It was no longer an option.

Also EVERYTHING I did was wrong or awful or stupid and I was the crazy, lazy, b***h…. He never did wrong. Although that could have been more down to his personality than the cheating.

Image credits: KumaLumaJuma

#28

Fun topic.:D From my intuition and experience:

* Less intimacy
* Compliments you way less or way more due to guilt/coverup, but either way much less interested in everything about you
* Vague or way too detailed answers to questions like “where have you been?”
* Changes the style of text, use of words, taste in clothes and music
* Always on the phone
* Leaves stuff like some jewelry that you gave them that they used to wear 24/7 in the house. This is where I started suspecting my ex-BiL cheating on my sis.

Image credits: KissyKillerKitty

#29

Drip feeding — i.e. when something originally innocuous gradually turns out to be less and less so.

I was out with the girls… I was out with a mixed group… actually it was dave and his mates… actually it was just dave… actually we weren’t out, we were at his… nothing happened… okay we kissed… okay we slept together but it was just once… okay I’ve been f*****g him for a year…

Obviously it’s obvious by the end, but the lesson is that by the second “drip” you can tell something is up, and it’s going to turn out much worse. There are never only two drips.

Image credits: megamulberry

#30

For me, I could tell he was growing increasingly distant. He would tell me I wasn’t putting the effort into our relationship, but when I tried to be more attentive and loving, he would withdraw. And then one awesome night, I asked him if there was someone else. He had a panic attack which left him unable to breathe, and I and his uncle rushed him to the ER. For 2 weeks after, he would send me pictures of the toll the attack had taken on his eyes and skin. I felt like a monster.

It turned out that I had just hit the nail on the head and unnerved him. The worst part is that his whole family knew and had been helping him hide it because they thought I was an awful person due to some lies he had been feeding them. His uncle was paying for the secret cell phone. Everyone was encouraging him to leave me for her, not knowing I had been paying the majority of the household expenses and had been doing everything I could think of to make him happy. He also engaged in some horrible mind games, including disappearing with a gun to make me think he had gone off to k**l himself. There’s more but that is easily the most traumatizing of the lot.

When I found out and asked why, he said I just didn’t love him enough.

Image credits: alloutofdietcoke

#31

She’s sitting around on her phone and when you sit next to her she immediately changes positions so you can’t see her screen.

Image credits: ninjagatan

#32

Sudden, unexplained changes in:

(1) Phone usage

(2) Hygiene, grooming, and personal fitness

(3) Intimacy

(4) Spending habits

(5) General mood

It’s the inexplicable nature of changes that’s a real indication though. All of these things could be impacted by something like someone starting a new job. It’s when there’s no apparent reason, or they’re cagey about the reason, that it becomes suspect.

Image credits: ferengi_esquire

#33

From personal experience as the cheater, I have to disagree with some of these people. A sudden increase in sexual desire towards you. Having a new sexual partner makes you feel sexier and hornier. They might be getting it from someone else but out of guilt and convenience they’ll likely be more sexual towards you as well, in ways they weren’t before.

#34

Being extra careful with phone content

My ex even dared me to check his phone because I was complaining about him always checking mine. I made a show of perusing his folders and I found a folder full of 1 person’s messages. I think he even used a neutral/guy name. At that point my woman intuition was itching ever so slightly so I joked that I’d call the number. He said to go ahead. So I called the number but he still had that smug, confident look on his face. Someone picked up on the other line and I recognized it to be my previous editor-in-chief from my univ pub.

My ex started to lose it when I said “hello”. He can’t grab his phone so he made sure that my former EIC heard my name so she won’t talk anymore. Hahaha I should’ve thrown his phone to the wall! Aah… Missed opportunities.

TL:DR; Putting them in a single folder and passing them off as messages from a dude won’t cut it. My ex was an amateur.

#35

He had a best girl friend. No biggy because me and her talked once and she seemed ok. He was texting her multiple times a day and I thought it was weird, but didn’t say anything. He got very defensive when my best guy friend died and I was in mourning crying my eyes out every night. We eventually moved in together and he started texting another one of his girl friends. I eventually found provocative texts and pictures on his phone. I only stayed because he was my first and I could not bare living with my parents again. It’s ok to have friends of the opposite s*x, but my trust can only go so far.

#36

Found another girls hair in his bed. He blamed it on his housemate and said the his housemate and housemates gf used his doona (duvet for non Aussies) and that’s how the hair got there. Then there were hair ties etc around. Then I found a shirt in his cupboard that wasn’t mine. He said it *must* have been mine, and if it wasn’t it’d be his mums. Then I went through his phone and caught him out. Now he’s engaged to be engaged to my cousin.

#37

I guess I noticed when he wasn’t as emotionally invested as I was. There were also many signs throughout our relationship.

He didn’t want to meet my parents at all, and tried to keep our relationship low key as hell. No one around him could know we were together.

He is Colombian, so he would travel over there a lot. Every time he would travel over there girls would post messages on his Facebook wall saying things like “I miss you” or “I love you.”

He would check my phone constantly but I couldn’t even hold his. Mind you I’m not the type of person who checks phones at all, as I find it rather tiring.

He would manipulate me constantly and make me feel like c**p when all I did was please him. One time he decided to pick a fight with me because I wouldn’t have lunch with him. I was really busy, but I figured I could make the time to have some lunch with him. The day after the argument, I text him “hey let’s have lunch” and he declined making a huge deal about it. He said things like “oh you’ve never had lunch with me, why now?”

I always knew he was cheating, but I never had the proof. Until one day he texts me saying he loved another girl, but that he wanted me to wait for him while he made a decision. My heart was so broken because I loved him to death. The next day I text him and broke it off. I decided I wasn’t going to be a second choice. Months after, we had a conversation because I was seeking closure, and he admitted he cheated on me the whole time with various girls.

To this day (this happened around 3 years ago) he begs me to get back with him. Saying things like “you’re the best I’ve ever had.” Sadly for him, I’m in an AMAZING relationship now, and very much in love. I now realize what I felt for him wasn’t truly love.

#38

Inconsistencies in their behavior. For instance Are they:

– Going from being very open with social media, phones etc. to having pass codes & locks on all of them.

– Suddenly less forthcoming about their day, not confiding in you as much.

– Having unexpected extended periods of “long work days” or excessive amounts of plans not including you.

– Inexplicably increasing their usage of their phone/Facebook/Snapchat/other chat services.

– Suddenly overtly paranoid about you cheating on them, with no real cause to suspect you of anything.

– In a friend circle where the others are (almost) ALL known for being unfaithful. This is less certain, but can be a sign.

This thread is making me depressed.

#39

The number one thing is that it suddenly seems like you never do anything right despite never changing your behavior.

Its usually an effort to justify their own cheating or even to accuse you of cheating to justify their own.

#40

This may sound odd, but my boyfriend was suddenly very into playing words with friends. He was constantly playing and it was just very out of character for him. Finally checked his words with friends chat and found out that’s how he was communicating with the girl he was cheating on me with. I’ll give him points for creativity, but nothing gets past me!

#41

When they pick up their phone, read a message and smile, then realized they did and try to hide their expression and play it off.

#42

Being dismissive about stuff they usually would grind your gears about.

#43

A sudden increased interest in their appearance – lots of working out.

They kiss different from how they used to.

No interest in s*x. Can’t perform.

Falls asleep when you’re talking to him.

Lots of added business travel.

#44

She starts arguments out of the blue so she can storm out the door.
Has disdain for having s*x with you.
After years of wearing the same style of underwear…switches to brand new s**y ones.
With absolutely no basis…accuses you of cheating on her.
Has to stay after work or go in early a lot.
Gets extremely pissed off when you question her strange behavior.

#45

All these out-of-character signs occurring at the same time, was what alerted me to his cheating:

* Suddenly starts having a passcode on his phone and gets agitated if you accidentally see his screen whilst he’s using his phone.
* Says he’s coming home at a certain time then shows up 9 hours later, with no explanation, and gets agitated when asked.
* Starts gaslighting, manipulating, screaming, compulsive lying and verbally abusing on a daily basis.
* Starts going to the gym daily even after a 12 hour work shift that involves hard labour.
* Starts being distant and refusing to communicate, screams at you that he doesn’t want to talk at all, not even about the weather.
* All his friends (none who know me personally) start hating me out of nowhere, speaking ill of me to my face and behind my back, and wishing that I die.
* Starts to make future plans including overseas trips that don’t involve me.
* Starts becoming obsessed with p**nography despite being strictly religious all his life.
* Starts eyeing off other women in public in front of me.
* Starts comparing me to other women and threatening me with other women.
* Starts getting physically a*****e upon seeing me upset about his above actions.

Turns out, it was revealed that he was on dating sites and was planning to send me over 700km away interstate against my will and pursue a relationship with another woman in his city, and send me money weekly and visit me on weekends to keep up the facade of a marriage. Yes this man was my husband. Now ex.

Advice to everyone out there: You can never change someone who sees no wrong in their actions. How someone treats you is a reflection of who THEY are.

#46

Signs I knew was, she was being a little more distant we had this among connection and about the time she went to a friend’s birthday party was about the same time she started being distant.

I chopped it up to being just past the “honey moon” phase.

Another was she suddenly hand a lot of little events come up, she was usually a stay at home play games type of person, that suddenly wanted to go out for a bit with “friends” or had to visit family.

Which she never did so subtly in changes of plans.

Lastly was a little scumy, but being suspicious will do that to a person, she will add 2 3 guys every day on Facebook around her area.

And one in particular I didn’t care for it seem like her type so to speak.

And my gut was right because a few days later I got a call from her father telling me she went out on a date with this guy who was a city over and she was “dressed to impress.”

Broke my heart but I have profound respect for that man.

#47

In my previous relationship I was passing her phone to her and it was unlocked and her Messenger app was open. I glanced at the screen but noticed a message from a guy that had xx at the end (she would barely send x’s to me, nevermind anyone else) so I immediately went “Wait a second…” She got annoyed at me (without me having to say what I was referring to, she knew) saying “If you really think I’m cheating, just leave” whilst going into the bathroom.

#48

Personal experience;

If someone is extremely possessive or keeps bringing up what would happen if their partner cheated or just seems overly bent out of shape about cheating. They’re probably a cheater.

This couple I know. Sweetest girl I’ve ever met. Extremely nice. Very loyal. She was honestly head over heels for her husband even after years of marriage. It was genuinely one of those things that made me -want- a relationship. I wanted someone to love ME that much.

The guy would always say things like “If you cheated on me, it would destroy me.” harmless at first. But he said it weekly. He knew her phone password and convinced her that he was always, at any time, allowed to look at her phone. To flip through her texts and pictures. If she ever changed her password to anything, he had to know immediately. Facebook, emails, phones. History must never be cleaned on the computer. Things like that.

When she was talking with me to plan his surprise party, we were using codewords and she was too suspicious about it and he went through our messages thinking we were fooling around behind his back.

He made her cut contact with me to prove that we weren’t. I wasn’t allowed to talk to her, visit, call, text, email, or even use facebook. I let it go because..well the only option was to let it go or get mad and make things worse.

Four months later she called me. He told her he lost his phone, and wanted to get a new one. So he got a new phone, new number, new plan. Said he’d cancel the other one.

He even told her, as show of trust, he would let her root through his phone WHENEVER she wanted as well. His new phone of course. She was cleaning one day and found his old phone. She was about to bring it to him and show him, but her alarms went off so she went through it first.

Password protected. but same password for his “new” phone. She got in. Yup. He’d been cheating for awhile. Absolutely destroyed her. SO! If they are so incredibly defensive about cheating, they themselves might be guilty of it and are thinking “if I cheated, my partner might cheat.”.

#49

The fact that you are asking this question is a good sign.

#50

From personal experience:

She started getting weirdly jealous for no reason and began accusing me of cheating on her. It was so out of place and after a few arguments with her, it was obvious to me what was happening. So I waited until everything was just normal and calm and I sat her down and asked her now long she had been cheating on me. She tried to deny it one time and I just told her to stop lying and try the truth. She started crying immediately. I just stayed calm and told her that we couldn’t be together anymore but there was no point in either of us getting angry and fighting. That was pretty much it. We broke up and she moved out.

#51

They talk about that person a lot. They go to see them when they said they couldn’t be out that night. They put that person over you.

#52

Blaming you for cheating.

Blaming you for thinking about cheating/being attracted to others.

Frequent disengagement from familiar intimacy.

Conspicuously withholding details about recent events.

Less eye contact.

Also new s*x techniques. Ew.

Edit: Source: have cheated and been cheated on.

#53

Here’s the red flag I had.
Her parents were quite well-off and always gave us the best xmas gifts.
One Xmas, she got the usual lavish stuff, I got barely a thing and what I did get was really thoughtless. 2 days later I discovered she was cheating with my best friend. Her parents knew.

#54

I had been dating a girl for 3 years and we had just moved in together when she decided to cheat!
She (we both drank way too much at the time) liked to drink alot and we would often go out or go to parties with mutual friends at her request. After about 3 months in our new place I broke my foot (crashed racing motocross) I wasn’t able/didn’t want to go out and hobble around, and that’s when I noticed changes in her behavior.
Anyway what I noticed was:

– she no longer wanted to spend time at home with me like we used to (watch TV together after work, play video games, etc)

-started getting rides with a mutual male friend of ours, Matt, to “parties” or to hang out with other ppl everyday after work (asked her and said I was worried about matt and her spending so much time together, she gave me the classic we are just friends, your being paranoid etc, since WE used to go out together alot I rationalized it away)

-began to constantly text way more than usual while around me, ignoring me when we were hanging out, and being very careful to always keep her phone out of my reach/where I can’t read over her shoulder

-s*x life went from 3-5 times/week to like once per month, and only when I begged her for it for hours

Once the s*x if dropped off I pretty much suspected she was cheating, till then I always found a way to rationalize her behaviour, or blamed myself and my foot…

So I was fed up with all my suspicions one night, and after she got home (way after she said she would be home) I pretended to be asleep in bed, while she proceeded to drunkenly pass the f**k out.
So I went to her night stand and looked for her phone, opened it (didn’t have a password) and was treated to weeks of text logs between her and Matt “when can I see you again” “I love you” blah blah blah.
So then I woke her up, confronted her with her phone, she broke down, saying I was the one she really wanted. Told her to gtfo of our room and sleep on the couch.
We continued to live together for a few months until she decide to move in with her dad in a different state after not being able to get her own place.

Anyway that’s my story thanks for reading Internet strangers!

#55

Over the time-span of 2 weeks, mine was blatantly obvious: I ask her where she is, and I get “it’s none of my business” and “I’m a grown woman” thrown at me. S**t, I was getting some Thai food up the street and I all I wanted to know is if you wanted me to order some more food when you come back… Welp, more Pad Si-Io for me, b***h.

Then eventually, the big nonverbal “f**k you” she’d give was that she’d be gone for days at a time (and she knows damned well that I f*****g hate sleeping alone, so I had fun tossing and turning), and she was dumb enough to leave her iPad with iCloud enabled at home and it turns out it’s our f*****g immigration attorney (no NSFW pics, just her in Vegas)… So her home-warming gift was a stack of divorce papers. Thankfully it was uncontested, we were adults about our possessions and THANK GOD I didn’t have kids with her like I was planning to, but it still f****d me up.

#56

They are happy and satisfied when you are fighting and not having s*x.

#57

* Suddenly busy all the time going out with the lads, but there’s always a reason you can’t come, even though you know his friends and get on with them well.
* If you keep telling yourself he must still be into you and looking for little signs he’s still interested- on some level you know you don’t have his full attention anymore and you’re trying to deny it. ‘Oh, he bought me that CD I wanted, I must be imagining things!’ Nope.

* Glitter in his bed. F**k you, Matthew. At least you had good taste? If you’re going to cheat, bang a chick wearing glitter.

#58

Well, if I told you what my soon to be ex was up to before I found out you would think I’m a moron for needing so many red flags to final admit it to myself. These aren’t necessarily universal but just in my experience:

-more effort in grooming. Oh so you wear makeup now?

-more nights out with “friends”

-needing to “oh I forgot to grab milk” more than once a week and then being gone for 2 hours and saying you were gone so long because sometimes you just need to unwind because the kids drive you crazy from being with them all day but when you leave at night all the kids are asleep already and it’s just me that’s awake

-going from being a once a year drinker to purchasing alcohol and keeping it in the refrigerator

-always on the cell phone. Always. Appears to be typing a lot on phone too, not just browsing/reading/videos

-insane spike in number of messages/minutes per month on cell phone bill

-Cell phone never set down. Ever. Also just obviously being weird about it.

-5 years of never leaving the kids to do an overnight away to doing an entire weekend away “alone” because kids make me crazy and need to unwind (see above) then a “oh my friends who I haven’t even been to a bar with asked me if I want an extra ticket to a romantic wine tour 3 hours away with overnight”

That is what it took before I finally admitted it to myself.

And finally:

-getting busted because your chump trusting husband got fed up and put a f*****g gps tracker in your van so he could catch your s**t a*s with that loser homewrecker.

#59

Them assuming/accusing you of cheating or other bad behavior when you’ve done nothing wrong (them projecting their own misdeeds on you).

Lying about little things to cover up big things. Are they a person who never shops for themselves but suddenly have new clothes (especially undergarments)? Are they constantly spending money but can’t account for it? Are they putting a to. Of miles on their car but cant explain why?

Their family suddenly backs away from you. Either they’re ashamed of the behavior or your SO has told them lies about you to justify their own behavior.

Nose is always in the cell phone rather than paying attention to you. Contacts in the cell phone will have names of people you know attached to phone numbers of their scandalous friends.

If you really suspect cheating scour your house and cars for a burner phone. I’ve heard of cheaters hiding them in the electrical panel of a house. My SO went so far as to have his teen aged son get a second cell phone on his account to hide texts and calls from me.

#60

I think the biggest indicator was my ex hiding his phone. One time in particular, I picked up his phone to look up something and he FLIPPED. I mean, physically attacked me to get his phone back.

I don’t know why I didn’t get the hint there.

Also, the day before he left for bootcamp, he wanted to go see his friend Skyla. At 9pm. Uh… yeah, no. Even his parents were like “What the s**t dude, your girlfriend is more important.”

#61

In my situation, it was a general gut feeling more than any one thing that stood out to me at the time. But upon reflection, I noticed these things happening:

* He started getting more interested in exercising and shopping for new clothes (taking a greater interest in his appearance than he usually did).
* He was keeping his phone ‘on him’ more than normal.
* He changed his phone password, which he had never done before. We had access to each other’s phones and would go into them for innocuous reasons on occasion (photos, etc.).

This was all in the span of a week or two, and that last point is what tipped me off to question and look. I was sort of oblivious to the rest at the time.

I know there is some controversy surrounding whether to look at your partner’s phone/browser history/email/what have you. And I would never recommend people look ‘just because’, as that can erode the trust established between the two of you. But if your gut is telling you something is wrong, and you’re noticing signs that something is wrong, I think it’s okay at that point to get confirmation. My STBX husband turned out to be one hell of a liar and gas lighter, something I never would have expected based on who he was and our history together.

#62

Mostly doing things they never used to do before.

She was always on her phone, when she previously NEVER touched it when she was with me. Also had it tilted at that slight angle so if I glanced over, I wouldn’t see her screen.

Would tak about her “just a friend” a lot, then suddenly wouldn’t even mention his name and would get quiet if I brought it up.

Was always a relaxed and laid back person who likes peaceful activities, then suddenly out of the blue started going to giant a*s parties every night and “pulling pranks on the neighborhood”.

Used to have s*x every night, if not multiple times a day, because we were both kinky freaks. Then suddenly didn’t want *any* and would push me away subtly if I gave her anything more than a peck kiss. I think that’s what hurt the most— being suddenly rejected by the person who used to desire you more than anything.

#63

Recently my girlfriend of five years cheated on me for about two months. While I was at work and interning, she would often “go out with friends” but to weird places she never visited before. Also not to be mean, but we don’t have any friends. She was also very protective of her phone and never let me see it and if I looked over at it she made an effort to hide it, especially on Snapchat or Facebook where she talked to this girl most often. Lastly, she stopped posting pictures of me on social media, whereas before she always posted pictures of me and us.

In the end, like I said, she was cheating on me with a girl she worked with at Home Depot and lying for two months about where she was and who she was talking to. I didn’t find out until I was on vacation with her and my friend from Germany who was visiting and I took my girlfriends phone to look up directions and I saw a Facebook message from the girl saying “I want you.”

Long, painful, angry, drive home.

#64

If they get mad that you are suspicious, that is pretty much them saying they are cheating.

If someone accused me of cheating, I would do everything I could to prove I was not, not get pissy and angry over it.

I asked my ex why he was adding several gay men to his facebook, and then I found his online profile on a dating website, with photos that we literally just took of the two of us days ago, but I was cropped out (my shoulder was literally in the image).

He broke up with me because “you don’t trust me”.

No s**t I don’t trust you you f*****g piece of s**t. I hope your diabetes continues to make you blind, yellows your teeth, gives you erectile dysfunction, and makes you lose your f*****g feet.

PS: A few months after he broke up with me, my roommate was his friend and he started bringing his new boyfriend over to our place several times “to surprise” my roommate.

I cut the internet lines in her room and disabled her access to the router. I also watered down her expensive alcohol, and put fish oil in her air vents.

Both of them are literally the worst scum I have ever met.

#65

It burns when you pee and it is the first person you’ve been with in 3 years, after taking an STD/STI test to make sure you’re clean before anyone new. Relationship/sexual sebaticals help me work on me. That wasn’t fun it was s****y.

#66

He would not have s*x with me at all and he still had Grindr installed on his phone.

#67

They start explaining to you that the facebook app isn’t reliable.. they weren’t really ignoring you/they hadn’t actually been up that late/they weren’t online/they didn’t see…

Yeah bro, Facebook invests a whole lot of f*****g money into that app. They’re talking to someone else and they aren’t fessing up to it.

#68

Unexplained changes are the best indicator. Look especially at sexual behavior, the way they act with phones and computers, a lack of attention followed by too much attention, and unaccountable hostility; they may even accuse you of doing the cheating.

I unfortunately saw all of these with my wife, but the light didn’t go on until she asked me to not perform a specific sexual act that night. It was an act I had never performed. I think she forgot who she was in bed with.

Hope this helps, and that it’s not something you have to deal with.

#69

For me the signs that eventually added up to suspicion were:

1) Staying late at work, frequently and uncharacteristically. She was a contractor and wasn’t *allowed* to work more than 40 hours, so if she worked late too much, she had to take time off. It just didn’t add up.

2) Texting an unusual amount, especially after arguments. Venting to her affair.

3) Suddenly being very secretive and protective of her phone. She was the type where you couldn’t call her sometimes because she would leave her phone random places and forget about it — not after she started cheating! After then, her phone went *everywhere* with her.

4) One time she came home reeking of s*x.

5) Her lies were believable for a long time, but eventually she couldn’t keep track of them. I’d point out that some things didn’t make sense, but she’d just deny that she ever said something different before and accuse me of being mentally unstable.

That was the second one. The first one, I had her cell phone (don’t remember the exact reason, but I think it was so she could call me to pick her up from work, but mine wasn’t working for some reason) and I got a text from a guy I had met the same time I met her that said, “can i f**k u without a c****m this time?” I confronted her about it and she confessed to regularly sleeping with 5 different guys. TBH, I appreciated her honesty so much more than the second one, who convincingly lied about it for almost a year after being confronted.

#70

He’s gay and just a friend that is coming over while you’re working out of town. Don’t be so selfish – don’t you want me to have friends. Then later all our wedding photos are stuck under the bed. Why? oh she decided she didn’t like the look of them or something.

Constantly closing the chat windows when I walk by the computer.

Phone calls ending quickly when I enter the room.

Worked out of town and couldn’t seem to get a hold of her many evenings.

Never got to see any of her friends that she made in the new city we moved to.

Like seriously we would go all week with like one phone call.

Saw a picture on her phone with her and a guy sitting at the local beach – Mentioned it made me feel uncomfortable – “just a friend”

Would bring up how I was feeling uncomfortable with her hanging out with these guy friends I’ve never met and was told I was being selfish and don’t I want her to have friends and to be happy.

Accused me of cheating on her with my therapist. Who I was seeing to try and sort myself out to be a better husband.

She started giving better b**wjobs.

Oh and the easiest was the email that guy #3 sent me basically telling on her. Sounds like she kept telling them she was in the process of getting a divorce or was separated.

I was an idiot and couldn’t admit to myself that it was happening and once I found out I figured it was my fault and I deserved it. Moved on since then. I did find out that one of the guys ended up committing s*****e which when I hear that made me feel happy and content. I would never wish death on someone, and I’m uncomfortable that I felt that way but I can’t deny my feeling of that.

Wow that kinda all came out…

#71

When people tell you that they think your partner is cheating.

#72

I got one! if when they get extremely/blackout drunk, they are flirtatious with other people, especially if you’re not around.

#73

He was using my car he changed the radio station and a quarter of my tank of fuel was gone … We can’t get the radio stations where we live I always fill my tank Saturday morning if he drove it to his house and back mine it would barley move the needle but a quarter of a tank is a lot of petrol in my car … Also he had shaved. i’ve known this man 12 yrs. I always know, I just choose not to deal with it at the moment …

#74

When she is still friends with her ex and goes on a rave cruise with him that they had paid for from before they broke up and tells you that there is nothing to worry about but breaks up with you right when she gets back because she had an “epiphany.” I saw it coming and still chose to stay ignorant because I see the good in people to a fault.

#75

* Locking their phone when they didn’t before.
* holding their phone where you can’t see messages when they didn’t before.
* Story about which friend they hang out with changes.
* Starts spending the night at a friends on a routine basis.
* Starts dressing up to go do routine things.
* If you’re at the doctor with your spouse and the doc asks you to leave the room before they will tell your spouse the diagnosis.
* No longer in the mood for s*x when they did have the s*x drive of a nymphomanic rabbit in heat.

#76

They don’t want to touch you anymore.

Hide their phone. Freaks out if you even touch their phone.

Out all night and won’t answer their phone.

In my experience, my ex started brushing his teeth more. Also, pinned me against the wall by the throat cause I wanted him to stay home for the night and he got mad.

#77

You get an STD/STI. Happened to me. This was the turning point at which I finally decided enough was enough and divorced him. He has the audacity to still tell me he never slept with anyone and said that I was lying about being faithful, or that I somehow contracted it on my own because he is “immune” to STI/STD’s (f*****g moron). Yeah, my vibrator just up and gave me an STI, d*******g.

#78

My wife and I never checked each other’s phones…and the home screens were always available…meaning if we got a text, it popped up whether the phone was unlocked or not. She changed this feature suddenly…at first I didn’t think much about it…then her behavior changed…I asked her about the phone…the look in her eyes said everything…we divorced 6 months later…

#79

Gets b**b job.

New clothes.

Turns into uber b***h.

Guess what new boyfriend. But wait I though we were happily married with three kids?

Nope.

Grass is greener.

Took 5 years to burn out.

#80

Has plans for some nighttime activity and seems a little too excited in that last moment out the door.

Sudden dramatic changes in s*x, including, counterintuitively, sudden onset of frequent jumping you and being unusually intense in bed (can be result of guilt or excitement of the cheating)

Guarding phone is an obv one a bunch of people have mentioned.

Threatening unusually harsh reactions (e.g. breakup) for doing anything that “invades their privacy”.

Something just feels off.

Suddenly asks you for an open relationship or suggests you read books/articles about open relationships after not the slightest hint of that for years.

Brings up the name of some co-worker or friend a lot (guilty people sometimes think they can “hide in plain sight” by mentioning the person a lot, because of course they wouldn’t frequently talk about their cheating partner).

#81

They suddenly seem happier but not with you. Suddenly they are non confrontational and cordial, but the relationship becomes like a professional work relationship, and not two lovers. Intamcy ceases, but the motions are there. Hugs become handshakes, pats on the back, and distant waving.

“I love you,” in private is answered with “thanks,” and in public with an awkward, “mm hm, okay.”

“Why don’t you tell me you love me anymore?” Gets a sigh, and “Let’s not make an argument out of this, okay?”

Her friends and close relatives stop making eye contact with you. They won’t come to the house anymore, she meets them elsewhere. She quickly loses a few friends. These are the ones that know and disapprove of the cheating. At parties, you notice people are uncomfortable, notably people you are or were both friends with. Some start to give you hints to become more observant to your life.

She becomes far more obsessed with her looks. A whole new wardrobe, different makeup, starts working out at the gym, and changes her diet.

Working late again. Hanging out at the gym without you more.

She doesn’t answer her cell phone, says it’s a spammer, yet texts right afterwards. You snoop her phone, and notice far less texts than normal or at least missing at times you saw her texting and smiling. She’s deleting them.

Accusations of paranoia at odd and innocent questions.

“You working late tonight?”

“YES. MY WORK IS VERY HARD! WHAT’S WITH THE THIRD DEGREE?”

“Uh… I just wanted to know if I should pick up Katie from soccer practice?”

“YOU ALWAYS HAVE AN ANSWER, DON’T YOU??”

“What?”

“YOU KNOW VERY WELL, WHAT??”

Any accusations answered with, “I don’t know. You tell me.”

When you confront her best friend with evidence and she nervously lights up a cigarette even though she already has a cigarette in her mouth. “Huh… Really? I don’t know what you’re talking about…” with trembling hands as she realizes she doesn’t know what to do with the second lit cigarette.

I had to take a very good friend through this. Luckily, they saved the marriage.

#82

Many of the ones mentioned here. Another one is, developing a mean streak, including a mean spirited sense of “humor.”.

#83

5 weeks after I married my (ex) wife I discovered she’d been cheating on me for some months with a work colleague.

With hindsight there were some real obvious clues that I just dismissed at the time because I never considered for one second that she was cheating:

1) She started buying new work clothes, significantly “showier” than her previous wardrobe. Not super revealing but a lower neckline and higher hemline etc.

2) Kinda similar to (1), she bought new s**y underwear and started wearing it under her work clothes. She always had a thing for underwear so it wasn’t a massive surprise, but suddenly wearing stocking and suspenders to work in an insurance company was definitely “new”.

3) Putting a PIN lock on her iPhone when there was none before.

4) Deliberately selecting a program on TV that she knew I liked and then leaving the room a few minutes later. She’d always be on her phone in another room, hoping I’d be distracted.

5) Sitting in a different position on the couch so her phone screen would not be visible.

6) Our s*x life *improved*. It was really good anyway but clearly cheating made her more excited/guilty.

She was pretty much glued to her phone on honeymoon, the only time she handed it to me was for me to take a picture of her in her bikini or after getting ready to go out in the evening (to send to him, I subsequently found out).

I finally confronted her about her constant phone time and she played it down saying she was just catching up with people after the wedding and that I should stop being so suspicious.

I finally twigged that something really bad was going on when I went to go to the bathroom one day and found her in the bathroom standing in the dark, texting on her phone. She pressed the home button so quickly and looked so guilty that I knew something awful was happening.

With my suspicion level at maximum I knew I had to get access to her phone, which confirmed the truth, but that’s another story.

#84

I think a lot of these responses are subjective but basically boil down to this: be aware of uncharacteristic changes in their behavior.

Has your partner had a lock on their phone since day 1? Probably not something to worry about.
Have they not had a password on their phone and all of a sudden, for seemingly no reason, they do? Probably something to worry about.

#85

when she’d ask me to see my phone , ” sure no prob but let me see your phone then”

“NOOOO” *throws tantrum

I guess im glad i went through it though, I learned alot and had all feelings drained. #teamnofeelz.

#86

1. They are ‘just friends’ with this person that they talk about all the time.
2. They try every manipulation tactic in the book to convince you it’s all in your head and you’re paranoid.
3. They start making themselves up for work more than usual.
4. Their phones are glued to their hands and they hit the close tab button as soon as you get close.
5. They suddenly stop singing the praises of the just friend, and increase the behaviour of numbers 2-4. Example ‘how’s just friend? You haven’t mentioned her in a while’…’oh yeah, don’t really see her these days, she’s on a different rota now…have you seen my comb?’.
6. Instead of withdrawal from me, the more the affair went on, the more attentive he became. To reinforce his stance that I hen pecked him with my unjustified paranoia.

Turns out wasn’t just all in my head. If it feels all wrong it probably is. Always listen to your own instincts. And even if you’re wrong, do you really wanna be with someone who makes you feel like that anyway?

#87

I noticed my boyfriend liking all the pictures of his ex girlfriend and her current boyfriend that she had posted on Facebook. Confronted him, he denied. The ex girlfriends current boyfriend came to me and said “So and so is cheating on ME with YOUR boyfriend.” Sooooo not really a sign but uh yeah.

Other boyfriend I glanced over when he was texting and saw him putting hearts but couldn’t really see the text so I just dropped it. Soon after we broke up, he was dating her.

So not really signs but more actual blatant s**t.

#88

That gut feeling. The pure anxiety. That’s your body reacting to all the signs your mind chooses to ignore.

#89

Women of reddit, if you ever suspect your man of cheating….Feel free to give him an unexpected bj right when he arrives home. You will be able to taste if it has been somewhere it doesn’t belong. If everything is A-OK you look like a hero, and he is happy. If things taste off, you were right and this is the last time your lips touch that cheating c**k.

#90

Being cagey about what they are doing when previously they would have happily talked with you about things. Not meeting up when they would have previously leapt at the chance to do so because they are suddenly busy (out of character) and giving a uncharacteristic excuse why. Being suddenly emotionally a*****e.

#91

She messages you less and less untill theres no messages at all.

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