No matter how much you prepare for it, reconnecting with estranged family members might not go the way you expect. There are just too many unknowns.
When Reddit user Ihananakki messaged her grandfather (whom she hasn’t talked to in years), the woman had a clear goal—to set herself up for inheriting his possessions. But instead, she learned that she had an aunt she didn’t even know existed!
And the more she heard about this mysterious relative, the stronger her desire to meet her grew.
This woman uncovered a surprising family secret: she has an aunt her own age
Image credits: Mint_Images/Envato (not the actual photo)
What’s more, the two of them also shared a bunch of uncanny similarities
Image credits: YuriArcursPeopleimages/Envato (not the actual photo)
Image credits: ihananakki
Family estrangement is fairly common
Image credits: Roberto Nickson/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
“Humans are wired to want connection with our family, however, sometimes this reality doesn’t align,” New York City-based grief therapist Natalie Greenberg told Bored Panda. “Sometimes estrangement is necessary to maintain our boundaries and dignity. Breaching this boundary can evoke an emotional rollercoaster, perhaps confirming why the estrangement existed in the first place.”
In the second half of 2022, a set of YouGov polls explored American family relationships, and the findings concluded that vast majorities of Americans — at least eight in ten — consider children, parents, siblings, and spouses to be immediate family members, while slightly fewer — though still a solid majority of roughly two-thirds — believe grandparents and grandchildren are also immediate family members.
Cousins, in-laws, aunts, uncles, nieces, and nephews are more often thought of as extended rather than immediate family. The most divisive category is children-in-law: 46% consider them extended family members, while 35% consider them immediate family.
More than one in four Americans — 29% — report being estranged from an immediate family member. This figure is slightly higher for men (31%) than for women (27%).
Sexual orientation also appears to be a factor, with higher rates of estrangement reported by gay men (49%), lesbian women (55%), and bisexual people (38%) compared to heterosexuals (27%).
Interestingly, grandparents were the category of family that respondents were the least estranged from (5%).
However, it often ends
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Research suggests that very few estrangements are permanent. For example, Karl Pillemer, PhD, is a professor of human development at Cornell University and author of Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them.
Of the 300 estranged “sets” interviewed, 100 had attempted reconciliation, and of those 100, many were successful and generally credited professional counseling for being a vital part of their happy ending.
This post is just one example of why people want to reconnect: whether the desire comes from an egotistical place or a genuine longing for resolution, it’s hard to shut the door on your closest kin forever.
About three-quarters of Americans (73%) rate spending time with family as one of the most important things to them personally, regardless of how much time they actually devote to it.
90% say they view it as either one of the most important things or a very important thing, outranking other priorities, such as being physically active (74%), being outdoors and experiencing nature (72%), or having a successful career (66%).
But when it comes to establishing contact with a relative you didn’t even know before, it’s probably best to keep yourself grounded and not put too much hope in it. “Expectations can lead to disappointment,” therapist Natalie Greenberg explained to us.
“I would advise having low expectations for a response, as you don’t know this individual and what they are going through, and they might need more time to process information that you have already had time to process.”
As her story went viral, the woman answered some of the biggest questions people had for her
Her honest confession has received many different reactions
Eventually, she shared an update with the latest news
Image credits: Beth Macdonald/Unsplash (not the actual photo)
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