Post your favorite or best comeback.
#1
Your laxatives have backfired, the shite’s supposed to come out the other end
#2
I said something and someone went “that’s just in your world” i immediately said “my world is called reality”
#3
Well you’re so narrow minded you can look through a keyhole with both eyes!
#4
~SAY AT YOUR OWN RISKS~
If someone says get a life. Say- Like yours? Nah, pass.
If someone rolls their eyes say- Keep rolling those eyes and maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
If someone says you’re so dumb. Say- oh well… once you know everything you should know when to shut up
If someone says did I ask? Say- Then why are you still listening.
If someone says you’re fat say- at least I can lose weight but you cant lose your ugly face.
If someone says im hotter than you guys say- sure, you dont need makeup… You need plastic surgery
if someone says I dont like you say- that’s a shame cause my middle finger seems to like you
if someone says no one would ever date you say- tell your boyfriend that- then wink and walk away.
if someone says I know a lot of stuff about you say- is your a$$ jealous of the $h!t coming out of your mouth?
HAVE fun! But also be aware that these might make things worse… 🙂
#5
When someone calls me a name, I correct them by saying they mispronounced a word or misspelled it (if it’s via text or email) and provide them with a more appropriate adjective that describes me.
Guy I know (via text): Women are so dramatic! ?
Me: You misspelled “determined.” ?
My best friend (said in jest): You’re such an idiot! ?
Me: You pronounced “intellectual” as “idiot.” You should really learn correct English pronunciations. ? “I’m such an intellectual.”
#6
Everyone in my class doing math work. My friend: teacher, I have a problem. My teacher: I know, I’ve been trying to tell your parents
#7
At one point in middle school, while on the bus home, one girl told me that I’d never be popular. The girl wasn’t exactly the prettiest person either so I shot back “And you think you’re gonna be prom queen?”
#8
When ever a guy says ‘that’s what she said’ I say ‘not to you she doesnt’
#9
I would try to see it from your perspective but I fit my head that far up my a**
#10
~Being a d**k won’t make yours any bigger
~Please move out of the sunlight I hate the smell of burning plastic
~I may not be perfect but at least I ain’t you
~ Better shut your mouth or the next thing coming out of it will be teeth, not bullshit
~What doesn’t kill you. Severely disappoints me.
Just a few I’ve said to annoying people, say at your own risk.
#11
Not that I hate you. . .but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.
#12
It’s a good thing you’re pretty!
#13
A guy was bragging how clean his house was. “You can literally eat from my floor” he said. Me: “Yes, a 6-course menu for 18 people.”
#14
Get someone else’s life — yours isn’t working . . . . . . . . . What goes around comes around. Looks like you’re on the down side of karma . . . . . . . . . A beautiful woman will only be pretty for a few years. I’ll be smart and sassy all my life . . . . . . . . . One of my best: An out-of-control child was bothering everyone waiting for a table. When the kid got to me, I looked down and said “Go stand by your mother. Not everyone likes children.” Kid went to mom. Mom says, “Bitch.” Suddenly I felt like Cyrano de Bergerac, “Is bitch the best you can do? I’ve been a bitch lots of times. Once more won’t change anything.” . . . . . . . . . . . And for adults . . . . . . . . One of my few times at a bar, I saw man striking out with women. When he got to me he said I wasn’t what he was looking for. My comeback was an old joke I heard a long time ago: “I may not be much to look at but I can suck start a Harley. Shame you’re never gonna know what that feels like.” His mouth hung open as I strolled away . . .
#15
Mate, put a fu**ing nappie over your face, cause you’re talking s**t!
#16
This wasn’t mine, but was the best comeback/pun I ever heard, and came from a woman named Beth:
A young Indian employee was telling his co-workers about his betrothed, and said her name was “Roshni” (pron. Rosh-nee). One of the women in back didn’t hear the name too well, and asked if it were “Lunchmeat”. Beth shot back, without missing a beat, “Well, she’s from New Delhi.”
#17
A woman was ranting at me one day, I held up my hand to stop her talking and said.” I would love to have a battle of wits with you but you are totally unarmed” That shut her up.
#18
These are my top favourite comebacks I use :
1) I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.
2) Isn’t there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?
3) Somewhere out there, there’s a tree working very hard to produce oxygen so that you can breathe. I think you should go and apologize to it.
4) What doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.
5) Good story, but in what chapter do you shut up?
6) Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything!
7) JOKER: Knock Knock
BATMAN: Whos there
JOKER: Definitely not your parents
BATMAN : (
Warning: Use at your own risk !!!
#19
A “pro-lifer” asked me, “You mean, women should decide who lives and who dies?” I replied, “You men have been doing that for thousands of years.”
#20
Not me, but someone I know was playing video games, and his gf was sitting with him. Well she said “why don’t you play with me instead?” and he shot back with “The game doesn’t cry saying ‘it’s too big'”.
#21
My grand nephew lived with us for awhile and he was emptying the garbage when I opened the refrigerator and he asked, “Is there anything old in there?”, meaning leftovers. Without skipping a beat, I said, “Just the guy reaching for a beer”. He dropped the garbage can.
#22
This one is simple and works in a variety of situations…
“How embarassing, did you mean to say that out loud?”
#23
When someone is spouting crap, claiming free speech, I
like to reply, “The first amendment means you can’t be arrested for things you say. It doesn’t mean I have to put up with your bullshit.”
#24
if someones being rude or annoying, in your best yoda voice say “a sh*t, i don’t give” and walk away
#25
This guy was talking sh*t so I said ‘I bet your a** is jealous of all the sh*t coming out your mouth’
#26
This came not from me, but from a very smart woman named Beth:
A new employee from India was telling his co-workers about his betrothed. He said her name was Roshni (pron. Rosh-nee). One of the women in back didn’t hear the name too well, and asked if he said, “Lunchmeat”. Without missing a beat, Beth replied, “Well, she’s from New Delhi.”.
#27
I was in a pub with friends, and proud of a pair of trousers I was wearing. They were a bargain found in a charity shop.
Me: “Feel how soft these trousers are. Suede !”
Phil: “By what ?”
Me: “By the fact they were only £5”.
#28
Not my best, but one of my recent. Had some idiot tell me, “Yeah, whatever, go back to the kitchen, b***.”
Replied, “Well what are you doing out here? Go fix a car or something. The grill isn’t going to light itself, f*cker.”
#29
K. tone-deafly used a comment thread about toxic masculinity as an opportunity to talk about how attractive she is so I said she shouldn’t be concerned because her personality would put anybody off.
#30
I love reading Shakespeare, so I usually just say “Why (sir/ma’am,) cobble you. I do have a few for special occasions:
“F**k you!” F**k me yourself, you coward.
“Nobody asked.” Oh well I was about to make you some cupcakes, but since you didn’t ask for them just forget it.
“What is wrong with you?” Everything. (Or perhaps, “Well I eat hands and kill people, that’s two things)
“She speaks!” You stopped speaking for two seconds! Oh wait, I fell asleep.
#31
1. You’re a very uneducated potato
2. Try eating all that makeup. Maybe you’ll be pretty on the inside too.
3. I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you
4. It’s a shame you’re not half the man your mom is
5. Too bad your mind isn’t as sharp as your tongue
6. Your inferiority complex is totally justified
7. I’m impressed! You used your entire vocabulary in a single sentence!
8. Uber drivers beware: if you drop this person off, you’ll be fined for littering
9. I’m not offended by what you say – I’m proud of you for stringing words into full sentences now
10. You should try one of those journeys to find yourself! (Guys, don’t tell them they won’t actually find anything. I’m just hoping they’ll look – they’ll be gone forever!)
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