Having a partner should, as the name suggests, mean dating someone who is helpful, reliable and who makes your life easier. However, as it turns out, some folks have the survival skills of an eight year-old and, much like a pet, rely on their partner for everything.

A woman shared her experience with a male partner who is so incapable of being useful, she felt like she was “mankeeping” him. Other women shared their stories as well, and we’ve gathered them here. So get comfortable as you scroll through, upvote your favorites and be sure to add your own thoughts and experiences to the comments down below.

#1

It’s exhausting. I’ve been married 20 years, and just this year, I’ve started to realize how little my husband can do on his own. He’s such a good guy and has always treated me so well, but he wants a mom, not a partner. Like, if I don’t ask him to do something, it won’t get done. If I don’t make dinner, instead of making something for himself, he just door dashes, lol.

Image credits: justcallmejai

#2

I did it for 20 years and didn’t notice. I think we are taught from an early age it is our job to “take care of things”. I wore it as badge of honor 😬.

Image credits: realitysnarker

#3

It creeps up on you. Any one of those tasks isn’t a big deal, but managing an entire household and the lives of everyone in it is exhausting. And so many people (mostly men) undervalue how much work it really is because completing one of those many tasks is easy.

Image credits: Loquacious-Jellyfish

#4

We are trained to do all of that from the time we can walk. Little boys are trained to expect that behavior.

The scene is set for us to fall in to long before we ever even think about partnering.

Most couples don’t even discuss how running the family will work.

Image credits: Ok-Willow-9145

#5

I was devastated when my husband left, but man did my work load decrease despite having 2 young kids.

Image credits: yellowlinedpaper

#6

Once I left my husband I realized I didn’t even know what I liked or who I was because my entire life has been in service to a man and children. I’m just figuring it out now, and it’s tough.

Image credits: Zeii

#7

Don’t beat yourself up. Women are socially conditioned from birth to make concessions for guys. It can take some time to see the truth when we grow up surrounded by women who do so much to simply keep men functional. Many of us had positive female role models, but this oftentimes isn’t enough when up against the societal norm of the world.

Image credits: Flux_My_Capacitor

#8

I have two boys and I am doing everything I can to teach them to be self-sufficient in the home in terms of cooking, cleaning, pet responsibility, laundry, organizing etc etc etc. Outside of the home; teaching them how to be respectful to others and carry one self in public (ex. manners). My husband would prefer they stay home watching TV and play video games and he thinks I’m being too harsh. He never knew how to do laundry. He doesn’t know how to cook. However, our role as a parent is to help them grow into becoming an independent adult who can function and contribute to society.

Image credits: localfern

#9

It’s exhausting. Add to that managing your life and home so they experience the minimum amount of frustration (because when they are frustrated they are unpleasant).

Image credits: cerealandcorgies

#10

Mine would break out in hives anytime there was an appointment at the bank to do anything. He would get very grumpy and annoyed as (I later discovered) it was interrupting his m**********n time and chatting with his many sidepieces. I managed All Things Financial for 20+ years and got an STD to show for it. Happy and free for years now. Never again!

Image credits: MrsLahey604

#11

I didn’t notice either. I do recall telling him several times that I was his partner, not his personal assistant. But even then, I didn’t know the full spectrum of all I was doing for him. My ex was a master at weaponized incompetence. Even before I was done grieving the loss of the relationship, I realized how peaceful and easy my life had become living alone.

Image credits: CJ_MR

#12

Most women try everything they can to get their partner to step up and start pulling his weight before they call it quits: calm discussions, frustrated arguing, begging and pleading, rage crying, the works! Men don’t listen; they nod and apologize, but what they’re really doing is tuning her out. They even laugh and joke about it with their buddies, comparing stories about how much of a ‘nag’ their SO is. By the time she’s reached the stage where she’s stopped talking, it’s too fucking late! She’s mentally checked out and planning her escape! He’s cooked!

Image credits: StillSwaying

#13

It’s so easy to fall into this. I only realized it was happening to me in a situation where I was considering dating a guy I really liked when a therapist pointed out that I used the word “tired” a few times. I hadn’t even noticed because I was enjoying the relationship and in many ways it felt fresh and energizing, but it was already quietly draining me.

As women we’re deeply programmed to downplay and make excuses and find workarounds when we’re being overworked or things are unfair. You’ll see it all the time on this sub. Women looking for ways to power through actual issues and getting tons of advice on medical interventions and more….anything but questioning the fact that we’re doing too much and getting too little support.

Image credits: Special_Trick5248

#14

It’s literally engrained in our society, don’t feel bad. it’s what’s expected of us by everyone.

i’ve literally had to tell men that wanted to be with me, im not your mom! it was usually the cause of our breakups bc i can’t handle mothering a grown man and being attracted to him.

eta: they don’t understand it either and ive been called broken. like sorry, no, im not broken, i just don’t want to wipe your a*s??? god. hire a maid and an assistant. and a nurse and a therapist.

one last edit: i will forever hate the term “i wonder” from a partner. i wonder what time it is, i wonder where the remote is, i wonder if chicken is on sale. expecting me to answer. find out yourself! sorry, this post really resonated.

Image credits: pinkgirly111

#15

It’s really common. I didn’t realize how much my ex was sucking up my time and energy until he left. I just assumed everyone was as busy and exhausted. But when I’m single, I have plenty of time and energy for the things I want to do! It really hit me when my ex mentioned how hard it was for him to manage everything after he left. Life was harder for him single, and harder for me in a relationship. It’s a big reason why I chose to never marry or cohabitate.

I know there’s good guys out there who won’t do this but it’s so common I’m not risking it myself.

Image credits: Own-Emergency2166

#16

I think this is just the expectation of women in society.

It even happens to me at work. I swear that the men I work with think the women are their secretaries. Like I’ve had a few call me and ask me stupid questions they can look up. I usually just reply “why would I know that if you don’t?” I usually do know but I’m not their assistant.

My brother sometimes texts me to ask where mom is like I’m supposed to know her whereabouts 24/7

It’s not just romantic relationships.

#17

Conditioning, is my guess. And the fun you can have, now that you see it! You get to forever play dumb when he asks things like this.

“I dunno” and the shrug emoji should be your only reply to everything he asks for help with. Time to let him grow up.

#18

Emotional labor is so under recognized. But you know now!

This is a really clear explainer: https://ift.tt/iO9Kw8n.

#19

Three reasons

1. It can be a boiling frog situation. For many of us, life gets more complicated as we age in terms of what we have to deal with and organise. Something that is manageable when you are younger can slowly, almost imperceptibly, become unmanageable as you gradually take on more and more.

2. Dealing with the problem often makes it worse. Asking someone to do something repeatedly, watching them screw it up, having to step in, having to have pointless arguments about whether something “needs doing” or not – all these things sap you so much and it just becomes easier to do everything yourself.

3. I can remember when my relationship broke down a very old lady who lived over the road said to me “Oh love, you did too much for him”. And I thought- how on earth could she see it, as a distant neighbour, and I couldn’t? But the reality is that you are so busy and so tired that you just keep going until you don’t any more.

My life is so much better now. My husband is absolutely great. I don’t have to do any man keeping. At all. And in the space that it took up, I have a whole creative life.

#20

It’s so exhausting. My husband actually does a lot at home (will make doc and dentist appointments for the kids, take them, does the dishes etc), but the emotional labor piece— like just knowing that the kids *need* the appointments, knowing what is needed to be addressed at the appointments, everything under that umbrella falls to me. And it’s so frustrating!

Like, you live in this house, with these kids, and I always catch him up on everything to do with the kids, so it’s not like he’s out of the loop. But when it comes time for said appointments, while he will call to make the appointment and take them, I have to tell him what needs to be talked about, make him a list of what meds or supplements they’re taking.

Or if I ask him to take on a task, for instance, today we were going to a grad party for a friend’s teen, I asked him to go to the store to get a card, he’s texting me from the store to ask which card to get. Like…none of this actually takes that much off my plate. Because I still have to manage the whole endeavor.

And I feel like if I don’t “micromanage”, and when I have in the past tried to peace out of doing so, it’s not done correctly, and I don’t mean that in a controlling way, more like: for instance, he accompanied our daughter to an appointment with her psychiatrist and (although I had told him all the details before the appointment and he and I agreed on a plan), he misstated the dosage of SSRIs she was on and kind of went rogue with what he and I had discussed, and it all ended up with this plan for her that was not actually going to work. So I had to contact the doctor to rectify it.

Argh!!! Like it’s almost more work for me if I don’t just do it myself sometimes. And I feel like it’s a bit of weaponized incompetence. When I talked with him after that psychiatrist appointment and expressed frustration, he was like, “you just know more about this, so maybe you should be the one to handle it.” 😩

#21

I raised two kids to become wonderful adults. Then I realized that even though they were grown, their dad still acted like a child, expecting me to do all kinds of small things adults do for themselves. Little things like looking at the weather app and explaining the forecast for several days, while he watched videos on his phone and I had to repeat myself, because he wanted to know the weather but couldn’t be bothered to look it up. Or filling out paperwork for his doctor visits because he acted like he didn’t have the patience for it. He also thought I should care about the current condition of his bowels, and plan meals around that, after getting the poop report.

I started pulling back from doing all of these things so that, at half a century old, my husband could become a real adult. Then I had a stroke and I’m not good at meal planning or filling out forms anymore. I don’t have the focus to cook anymore, I’ll get bored halfway through and wander off to do something I just thought of. I pretty much survive on beef jerky when no one in the house cooks. He’s not expecting me to mother him to the extent I did before. He’s had three surgeries within the past year, and I’ve cared for him while he recovered, but the stuff I used to think was my job because I was married, isn’t my job. I wish I could have reached that point without having a stroke, but that’s life.

#22

That’s a good thing you recognized this. As a divorced 45 year old who had some similar experience in marriage, that means you are healing and moving on. I was married 18 years, been divorced 7 years. It took me alot of these years to figure out how exhausting it was and what was in me that I had to heal that allowed it to go on for so long.
I worked full time, went to school full time, cooked, cleaned, ran the household, was a full time mom when I was home. I did the grocery shopping, the laundry, bills, doctors, everything you could think of. He wasn’t much help because I enabled him. He also would call me and ask random s**t after divorce. I didn’t realize how much I was taking on until I stepped back and saw it. I have basically raised my kids who are now young adults, all by myself with their dad “watching them” when needed. I am grateful I finally got out and I’m much happier. I would rather be a single mom than a married and miserable one.

#23

This wasn’t even one of my complaints about my ex when we were married, but he got a letter from the IRS about the last year of taxes we filed together and I could literally not believe how stupid he was about it. Like, sent me pictures of the letter he got without realizing there was content on the back of each page stupid.

#24

My ex has ASD. I did all the emotional lifting, and all the messy adulting (dealing with humans).

He lived the life of a 14 year boy. He did do some cleaning. He went to work. That was pretty much it.

I’m not that good of a person over look what I needed in a relationship and be satisfied that he could give next to nothing emotionally. That wasn’t his fault. His brain just doesn’t see it. I got tired of being his mother/cheerleader/coach.

Ex was diagnosed at 50. We broke up a year later. I’m much more happier. He and his family are not, because they have to deal with him now.

He is great as a see every so many months friend. Day in and day out partner. Nope.

#25

It’s conditioning. It’s also probably how you were taught to be worthy of love.

Overfunctioning is a relationship red flag that we don’t even see.

#26

Yes this is one of my main issues that I need to address in myself. I’ve been not just “man-keeping” but also “mom-keeping, friend-keeping,” etc. my whole life. I’ve run myself into the ground taking care of everyone, not having boundaries, and not expecting anything from anyone ever. I’m determined to change because I’ve literally hit rock bottom and I’m so tired of always being on my own, always doing for everyone, always trying to not ever burden anyone but taking on their burdens like they’re mine, and watching my life unravel over and over because of my unhealthy patterns. Going forward I’m taking care of myself and my family and anyone I allow in my life will be self sufficient and willing and able to put in at least equal effort towards life together. I’m ready to be cared for. I’ve been through too much to be proud. I’m just tired and I want to rest with someone.

#27

I woke up to this realization as well.
It’s absolutely exhausting! I pulled back completely and it has taken so much off my plate. I have so much more free time and free mental disc space.

#28

I spent 10 year explaining to my ex that his job didn’t take out enough taxes. At one point our income was pretty even +- 1000-5000 dollars annually… I’d pay 2-3x the taxes he did. I ended up just having my job take out more in taxes so we didn’t have to pay in.

After we separated he was struggling with taxes (was going to have to pay in like 2000$ or something.) so I agreed to do married filing jointly vs separately despite having a separate household. I got back 700 or so instead of 1400 I would have gotten back… and he got mad I kept the money… bro… I saved you 2k….and lost half my return to help you!

#29

My ex was like this too. All of the bills were in his name so sometimes I didn’t see them. Especially when they were just delivered through email. At one point we were overpaying our utilities by a couple hundred dollars a month. I asked him why he wouldn’t call the company to see what was going on. It turned out he was still paying utilities at his old house and our new house. We got $1,000 credit. He would have happily continued just paying those utilities rather than making one phone call. The same thing with his car. It would start making a noise or something would break and he would rather drive it around until it was broke beyond repair rather than go to a mechanic. I think part of the stems from him growing up with a very privileged childhood and parents was a lot of money. He didn’t really have to solve a lot of his own problems.

#30

I dated a guy for a year who went grocery shopping NOT ONCE. He also never cleaned. And I am chronically ill. I felt so stupid when I figured out this huge imbalance. But somehow he had explanations that made sense in the moment – that I was pickier about the food and that I eat more than him…. And other excuses I fell for. Anyways, you’re not alone and I’m glad you’re seeing the light.

#31

Oh man that last sentence about being afraid to pick up the phone reminded me of my ex. I gotta share One of my biggest “I cannot spend my life with this man” moments:

I had an accident that resulted in a a huge gash on my inner thigh that required 7 stitches and 4 staples. That part of the thigh moves a LOT when you walk, so I was trying to walk as little as possible to let the stitches heal.  

I had a prescription for an antibiotic ready, and I asked if he could go retrieve it for me and return some extra gauze that I didn’t need anymore. 

I drove him to the store (I didn’t mind that part), and I handed him the bag with the stuff that needed to be returned. He got this panicked look on this face, and it went like this:

>“what am I supposed to do with that?” 

>”…….return it?” 

>”yeah, but *how*?!” 

>”you… walk up to the register, and say ‘I want to return this’…?”

He starts freaking out and telling me I’m putting too much pressure on him, and why can’t I just return the stuff myself. 

Finally I cut him off and said, “okay Nevermind!! I’ll figure something else out! Just get the prescription, please”. Which he did, begrudgingly. 

That was a very minor taste of our relationship dynamic. Finally ended the 3 year relationship about a month after that incident.

#32

After my husband and I separated but were still living together prepping the house for sale, there was one tiny incident that made me so incredulous at his lack of processing ability. 

I had done the clutter-hiding before one of our open houses, and had taken the shower caddy down and removed the towels. 

After the open he decided to shower, and this genius without a second thought just jumped in. Then he’s yelling for me to bring the caddy and a towel. Annoying, but the worst thing was after the shower he COULD NOT figure out how to rehang the caddy. I had to put it back up for him, and I was so angry that yet again, I was the one doing all of the THINKING.

It was nice of him to be giving all these reminders of why we were breaking up.

#33

As a young adult (with no couple role models in my life) I was surprised to see how many of my elderly male patients didn’t know their own meds because their wife put them in the pill organizer for them or didn’t know how to pay their own bills after their wife died. Like, doing admission questions and I have to wait for the wife because the man can’t even answer questions about himself? I thought my dad was an exception being a worthless lump and always assumed functional families had dependable dads. I make it a point to not take on too much with my husband and make him do some of the adulting, because otherwise he gets complacent.

#34

It is as invisible to them as it is to us. I know someone who got cheating on his wife. He didn’t want to pay child support, and she couldn’t afford a legal battle, so she gave him custody and only gets the two boys every other weekend. She also couldn’t afford to live in the city they were in by herself, so she moved about 1.5 hours away. She pays child support, and he is miserable trying to do it alone. He asked his Mom to come stay with him during the summers, and his dad called him and told him to eff off.

#35

You probably had someone in your family who did this, and in the words of the famous Hank Williams Junior, it’s a family tradition. .

#36

For me? My mom did it. Felt normal to do it when it was “my turn”0.

#37

Here for the comments because SAME. He managed to make everything really hard for no reason. Even simple daily things. We’re divorced now. Why did I put up with that!

#38

So many of us have wasted years learning this lesson the hard way, but like you the important thing is that I freed myself. Not everyone can. So even though I have regrets, painful regrets, and I feel foolish from time to time about all of it, I try to focus on the facts that (eventually) I listened to myself, I trusted my gut that things were not going to change, and I left a situation that was fundamentally making the life I wanted for myself impossible. That I am someone I can trust, I am someone I can rely on.

#39

The Mental Load is exhausting.

#40

Love is blind. When you take color glasses off. Meaning honeymoon face is over.

Reality sets in. But your out of it. So good for you.

#41

We were conditioned to take care of certain whole aspects of a partnership, even while times were changing, forcing women out to work without any willingness of our ‘men’ to step up at home.

It sucked but most of us were like frogs in a pot of water on the stove, not really ‘noticing’ how much harder our lives were getting, while the ‘men’ were content with added worry about their earnings cutting the mustard. All the while our labour supplemented theirs in and out of the home. Bastards.

I lasted 30 years too long, but there we were.

#42

The older I’ve gotten the more I realise how dumb I was in the past. Just allowing my boundaries to be trampled, feelings hurt, whatever because I was dumb enough to think that’s all I was worth.

Yesterday we went to a friend’s funeral. Afterwards my husband asked if I would remarry when he died. I turned to him and said “no, but what if I die before you?”

And he said he hopes not because he doesn’t know how he’d survive without me. And whilst it sounds sweet, it made me realise just how much I do for him. The weaponised incompetence is real.

#43

It’s so easy not to notice as we just do the things that need to be done without anyone holding our hand. I had been married for over 10 years when I got a short-notice deployment to Iraq (eons ago when it was at its worst). As the one who paid the bills, I tried to walk my husband how to do it so he could take over while I was gone and keeping busy trying not to, you know, die. I showed him how easy it was after you log into our bank’s app (it was all set up, and he already knew how to log in). All he had to do was click ‘pay bills’ and put in the amounts to pay. That’s. It. He started whining that it was too hard, and he couldn’t do it, and why couldn’t I just do it. In Iraq. It was a huge eye-opener, and the beginning of the end. Happily remarried now to a man who actually pulls his weight without being hand-held. It’s amazing.

#44

Ladies, remember this line when talking to your manchild: “Im sorry you feel that way.” Then let them sit with it. If they act like a child, then treat them like one.

#45

Is it normalized in your family or culture.

My family has the man is the provider mindset so women are raised doing literally everything else. Women like my grandma were “lucky” in the sense that the men were handy men and at least fixed up their homes, cars, etc. My x did not have these skills, and would get mad when I would ask for a gardener because how dare I ask another man to do his job. A job he didn’t want and would not do!

So many of us do all roles.

My new favorite man cooks, cleans, is handy, and loves planning vacations. He is amazing.

#46

Thank you for summarizing why i am single. Doing my own adult s**t is difficult enough; I could never manage it for someone else too.
The mankeeping is right up there with the weaponized incompetence smh.

#47

I am 70 and my brother was raised to cook, sew, do laundry and clean. So was my husband.

#48

My ex would literally make me do any phone calls for utilities etc because he didn’t like talking on the phone to strangers. What a f*****g loser man-child. Why are they absolutely everywhere??

#49

It should be about some kind of balance that works for both people from the very beginning…maybe you’re a people pleaser or think you’re not loveable u less you do the lions share of the work…maybe you grew up in or saw imbalanced relationships like that and at least in the back of your mind you thought that was hows it’s done. Anyhoo glad you’re out.

#50

Wow. It is amazing how many of us have suffered the same relationship, only to come out on the end and realize how much more peaceful life is without a soul sucking leach attached to us. The amount of peace on the other side is life changing!

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