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We all have a clear image in our heads of what a “traditional” family looks like. But many children don’t have the privilege of living in a two-parent household. Even when single parents, foster parents or stepparents do their best to fill the role of absent caregiver, it can still have an immense impact on children.

Redditor Jolly_Tooth_7274’s husband made a conscious decision to completely cut ties with his biological daughter before meeting her. The current wife is aware of the whole situation, and he supports the child financially. But he has never seen her, nor does he plan to. Now the couple has a son together, and she believes that her husband’s past doesn’t interfere with him being a good father, which some of their friends found to be absurd.

Not all kids have the privilege to live in a two-parent household

Image credits: halfpoint / Envato (not the actual photo)

Despite her husband disowning his biological daughter, this wife still thinks he is a good father

Image credits: LightFieldStudios / Envato (not the actual photo)

Image credits: Jolly_Tooth_7274

25% of kids live without a biological, step, or adoptive father

Image credits: prostooleh / Freepik (not the actual photo)

As a society, we have a very strong (almost godlike, as psychologist Lucy Blake puts it) expectation for parents to be unconditionally loving, cherishing, and caring for their children without exception. However, in reality, this isn’t always true, especially for fathers. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, 25% of kids live without a biological, step, or adoptive father.

Parental absence can occur due to various reasons like mental illness, divorce, incarceration, distance, or death. Parents who cut ties with their children later in life might choose to do it because of family conflict, differences in personal values, substance abuse, and other toxic behavior. Particularly with sons, a breakdown in relationships is often linked to divorce, in-laws, and marriage. Meanwhile, with daughters, mental health and emotional abuse were the most common causes.

Children who don’t know their biological fathers are at heightened risk of experiencing poverty, teenage pregnancy, obesity, or substance abuse. They’re also twice as likely to drop out of high school, be incarcerated, or experience problematic romantic relationships in the future.

Therefore, having a supportive male figure even if there’s no biological connection can be beneficial. However, it’s important to note that even though people in our lives greatly impact how we feel, they don’t have a complete hold on them or our future. Some things may be more challenging for children without dads, but there are various ways to successfully overcome the effects of parental absence.

Making such a decision isn’t an easy choice for parents

Image credits: Image by Freepik (not the actual photo)

On the other hand, making such a decision isn’t an easy choice for parents either. It can be extremely difficult, painful, and isolating. “It could certainly be a different kind of pain, because for parents, there’s the possibility that their life seems emptier or less meaningful. The loss and pain that accompanies estrangement ripples out to touch many different aspects of people’s lives,” says Blake.

We rarely hear about it because parents don’t find joy in sharing about estranging themselves from their children, and there are few judgment-free places where they can talk about it. This makes such an experience very lonely and isolating. Such feelings often get amplified as the parent starts to experience shame and blame around their decision. And while being surrounded by other families, during holidays or birthdays.

“Configured through biological, legal and social bonds, there is an attachment with one’s child that is very profound,” explains professor of criminology Amanda Holt. “Such that if parents do walk away, the relationship may be gone but those bonds persist. It can be very difficult to leave all of that behind.”

“Parents who have initiated estrangement have very few [people] they can talk to who will show compassion and understanding,” adds Blake. “There might be some room for talking about feelings of grief and loss, but it’s as if it runs out and people are expected to get over it and get on with life.”

When the decision to be an absent parent is made based on substantial reasoning, all that’s left to do for both parties is grieve what has been lost and find other ways to support themselves. While it might never get easier, keeping yourself well is the only way to go forward.