No, you are definitely not alone in staging arguments while in the shower with shampoo bottles as your audience in hopes of preparing the best comeback to every possible situation. Or, maybe, replaying a quarrel from years ago, wishing to find an even better comeback than the one you had at the time. However, not all of us are blessed with a wit as sharp as a whip and a tongue coated in sugar, and some assistance in beating someone in the battle of words might be needed. But worry not, as you’ve come to exactly the right place – a very thorough list of hand-picked comebacks that will surely cover each and every possible topic.
Have you ever had someone diss your favorite dish? Well then, let’s not repeat the mistake of standing there speechless, but rather pick a spicy comeback or two out of this list and keep them in your pocket for later use! Has anyone ever told you they don’t like your shoes? With these quips, there will be nothing left to do for them but just to keep on walking! These examples are just the tip of the iceberg of the vast arrangement of situations in which these comebacks might come in handy; all you have to do is to try to memorize them, and you’ll be ready for anything.
So, without any further ado, why don’t we all just scroll down and check out these Shakespearian insults that’ll not only see you winning but also your opponent absolutely dumbfounded by your clever retort? Be sure to vote for the brutal comebacks that you think might be of good use to you and share this article with your friends!
#1
I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this to you.
#2
I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.
#3
You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
#4
Remember when I asked for your opinion? Me neither.
#5
You are the human version of period cramps.
#6
I am returning your nose. I found it in my business.
#7
The people who tolerate you on a daily basis are the real heroes.
#8
People like you are the reason I’m on medication.
#9
Your family tree must be a cactus ‘cause you’re all a bunch of pricks.
#10
Somewhere out there, there’s a tree working very hard to produce oxygen so that you can breathe. I think you should go and apologize to it.
#11
You are like a cloud. When you disappear it’s a beautiful day.
#12
I understand everything you said. I’m choosing to ignore you.
#13
Stupidity isn’t a crime, so you’re free to go.
#14
What doesn’t kill you, disappoints me.
#15
Good story, but in what chapter do you shut up?
#16
Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parent’s job.
#17
Someday you’ll go far. I hope you stay there.
#18
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.
#19
Louie Armstrong would have never released “What a Wonderful World” had he met you.
#20
I’ve been called worse by better.
#21
It’s kind of hilarious watching you try to fit your entire vocabulary into one sentence.
#22
May both sides of your pillow be uncomfortably warm.
#23
You’re about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
#24
I envy people who have never met you.
#25
Everyone’s entitled to act stupid once in a while, but you really abuse the privilege.
#26
Earth is full. Go home.
#27
If you were an inanimate object, you’d be a participation trophy.
#28
They say our brains don’t stop developing until we reach 25; looks like yours stopped a bit early.
#29
Light travels faster than sound which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.
#30
You’re like the end pieces of a loaf of bread. Everyone touches you, but nobody wants you.
#31
You’re impossible to underestimate.
#32
The last time I saw something like you… I flushed.
#33
You should come with a warning label.
#34
You’re not simply a drama queen. You’re the whole royal family.
#35
You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.
#36
You bring everyone so much joy when you leave the room.
#37
Do your parents even realize they’re living proof that two wrongs don’t make a right?
#38
Have a nice day, somewhere else.
#39
You look like a ‘before’ picture.
#40
Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with personality.
#41
You’re about as useful as an ashtray on a motorcycle.
#42
You’re not stupid! You just have bad luck when you’re thinking.
#43
When you start talking, I stop listening.
#44
Is part 2 of your argument coming out soon or is that it?
#45
I told my therapist about you.
#46
A corpse is better company than you.
#47
If I threw a stick, you’d leave, right?
#48
There are some remarkably dumb people in this world. Thanks for helping me understand that.
#49
Your only purpose in life is to become an organ donor.
#50
That sounds like a you problem.
#51
Your absence would affect me greatly. I’d finally get some peace and quiet.
#52
Don’t worry. Everyone makes mistakes. Your parents, for one.
#53
You’re the corner piece to an unsolvable puzzle: everyone looks right past you.
#54
When they said grow a pair, they didn’t mean for you to have kids.
#55
Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.
#56
Feed your own ego. I’m busy.
#57
I was hoping for a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed.
#58
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
#59
If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
#60
You hit the nail right on the head. Too bad your parents took it literally.
#61
Your ignorance makes my racist uncle look like Albert Einstein.
#62
You’re the type of person that uses their 3rd grade research paper as a resume booster.
#63
I didn’t put garlic over my door because I think you’re a vampire. It just smells much better than you.
#64
Were you born on the highway? That is where most accidents happen.
#65
You are the architect of your life. Unfortunately, the blueprints are messy, written in Mandarin, and waterlogged beyond all recognition. Good luck.
#66
I like you just the way you are: uninspiring, uninteresting, and dreadfully unfunny.
#67
All mistakes are fixable, yet you aren’t.
#68
The Department of Homeland Security added your existence to the list of “Natural Disasters.”
#69
Too bad you can’t Photoshop your ugly personality.
#70
If you’re going to act like a turd, go lay on the yard.
#71
Your face makes onions cry.
#72
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on the planet.
#73
Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
#74
Hey, your village called – they want their idiot back.
#75
You need a kiss on the neck from a crocodile.
#76
I hope your wife brings a date to your funeral.
#77
If genius skips a generation, your children will be brilliant.
#78
Has anyone ever tried to smack some sense into you? Allow me to be the first one.
#79
Funny, I don’t remember you raising your hand. I’m going to call on someone else.
#80
You’re the reason the divorce rate is so high.
#81
Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?
#82
You’re a grey sprinkle on a rainbow cupcake.
#83
Please just tell me you don’t plan to home-school your kids.
#84
If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
#85
You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world’s mouth.
#86
The series of mental backflips I had to do to try and understand your point should have broken my neck.
#87
You hear that? It’s the sound of me not caring.
#88
The amount of meaningful things you’ve done in your life wouldn’t be enough to fill a single page.
#89
Good job. You almost reached a level of coherency resembling my newborn son.
#90
I may love to shop but I will never buy your bull.
#91
You look like something that came out of a slow cooker.
#92
Don’t you get tired of putting makeup on your two faces every morning?
#93
Hey, you have something on your chin. No, the 3rd one down.
#94
The only work-life balance I want is being away from you.
#95
I’d tell you to blow your brains out, but I’m pretty certain there’s nothing there.
#96
I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?
#97
You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
#98
Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.
#99
I’d slap you but I don’t want to make your face look any better.
#100
I believed in evolution until I met you.
#101
I don’t want to rain on your parade. I want a typhoon.
#102
Are you at a loss for words, or did you exhaust your entire vocabulary?
#103
When God made you, you must have been on the bottom of his “to-do” list.
#104
Every cloud has a silver lining. I’m still trying to figure out yours.
#105
The only person falling for you is blind.
#106
I will ignore you so hard you will start doubting your existence.
#107
You see that door? I want you on the other side of it.
#108
Your kid is so annoying, he makes his Happy Meal cry.
#109
Who ate your bowl of sunshine this morning, thundercloud?
#110
You fear success, but you really have nothing to worry about.
#111
Grab a straw, because you suck.
#112
Unless your name is Google, stop acting like you know everything!
#113
This is a lose-lose situation for me. I lose my valuable time and any semblance of compassion I had left.
#114
You’re an unscented candle in a store full of beautiful fragrances.
#115
I’d spell it out for you, but that’s assuming you know your ABC’s.
#116
Swallow your pride and your tongue while you’re at it.
#117
Isn’t there a bullet somewhere you could be jumping in front of?
#118
If your brain was dynamite, there wouldn’t be enough to blow your hat off.
#119
I applaud your effort, but I think I’m the only one in the audience. And I’m leaving early.
#120
Did I hurt your ego? Do you want a kissy on your boo-boo?
#121
I’d give you a nasty look but you’ve already got one.
#122
Don’t get bitter, just get better.
#123
Take my lowest priority and put yourself beneath it.
#124
If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.
#125
No amount of self-editing can fix the massive failure your autobiography would be.
#126
I don’t have any trash to take out today, but I volunteer you as tribute.
#127
You’ve got something on your face. No, not there—everywhere.
#128
You’ll never be the man your mom is.
#129
I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.
#130
You’re my favorite person… besides every other person I’ve ever met.
#131
The fact that someone wakes up to your face in the morning should be alarming. And yes, I’m referring to the mirror as well.
#132
Earth has a population of over 7 billion, and I had to meet the biggest loser imaginable.
#133
I’d hate to come across a universe where you’re funny.
#134
I can’t think of anything to celebrate on your birthday except you being closer to death.
#135
People like you are the reason God doesn’t talk to us anymore.
#136
Your brain is working overtime today. You better pay it extra.
#137
Jesus might love you, but everyone else definitely thinks you’re an idiot.
#138
You’re so ugly, you scared the cr*p out of the toilet.
#139
I would like some tips on how to clear my mind from someone with nothing meaningful to contribute. Care to help?
#140
I gave out all my trophies a while ago, but here’s a participation award.
#141
Aww, don’t worry, you are wanted… wanted for several accounts of perjury.
#142
I think I’ve seen you before, but I’m pretty sure I had to pay admission last time.
#143
Where’d you get your clothes, girl, American Apparently Not?
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