It’s time to de-stress as a mom with these 59 hilariously accurate jokes.
Dads may be counted on for a few groan-worthy puns and corny one-liners, but moms are the ones to throw the funniest (sometimes the most brutal) jokes.
From quick one-liners and witty comebacks to longer stories and famous comedian quips, we’ve compiled the ultimate list of fresh mom jokes that prove mothers are the family’s most committed jokesters.
Let’s vote for the best mom jokes with humor only parents (and brave kids) will truly understand.
#1
I never understood why some animals eat their young until I became a mother of a teenager.
#2
My nickname is Mom.
But my full name is
“Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom.”
#3
“My son has been begging me for a snake for years.”
“I was like, ‘Look, Lucas, you’re not getting a snake,’ and he was like, ‘Why?’”
“I said, ‘because I’m just not gonna let you be that white.’”
― Wanda Sykes
#4
The quickest way to get my kids’ attention is to lie down on the couch. They’ll sense your comfort and abort the mission.
#5
I told my 12-year-old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I came back and she was making crepes.
#6
Raising teens is funny because they demand privacy and independence, yet also be like, “Can you give me $40?”
#7
“I tried being a stay-at-home mom for eight weeks. I thought that was about chillaxing, getting to sh*t in your own home, watch Wendy Williams, and go out to brunch with your sassy girlfriends.”
“I did not understand that the whole price you have to pay for staying at home is that you gotta be a mom. Oh, and that’s a job. It’s a whack-a*s job. You get no 401(k), no coworkers. You’re just in solitary confinement all day long with this human tamagotchi that don’t got no reset button!”
#8
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet and my husband is already there hiding out from me.
#9
Being a mom means wholeheartedly searching for your kid’s chocolate bar that you just devoured last night.
#10
My daughter asked why she can’t quit school.
I told her it’s against the law and they’ll put me in jail.
My sweet, sweet child looked me in the eye and said, “I’ll visit you.”
#11
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They possess an advanced “mom detector” that can find me wherever I try to hide.
#12
My favorite motherhood hack is when I carefully put something important away and never find it again.
#13
You know you’re a mom when you understand why Mama Bear’s porridge was cold.
#14
“I’m not a regular Mom. I’m a ‘YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!’ Mom.”
#15
No one’s more scared of getting pregnant than a mother of one.
#16
My baby made me an imaginary pizza. I started eating it, saying, “mmmm, it’s so good.”
She said, “You didn’t take it out of the box.”
#17
Living with kids is just asking, “Who broke this?”
#18
At least they left you only heartbroken. Some of us were left with kids who look exactly like them.
#19
I love all my children equally, except the one who sleeps. I love that one more.
#20
“When I have kids, they will never…”
Spoiler alert: They will… Oh, they will.
#21
Why can mama chickens only make one sound? They can’t think outside of the box.
#22
“My mom has four kids. I tried complaining to her about it [pregnancy].”
“She goes, ‘Rosie, pregnancy is not a disability.’”
“I was like, ‘Well, if it’s not a disability, why do I sh*t my pants when I tie my shoes? If that’s not a disability, it’s a new ability. I know that. Couldn’t do that before.’”
― Rosebud Baker
#23
How do you keep little cows quiet so their mommy can sleep late? Use the moooooote button.
#24
“I’m not gonna ask you again.”
That’s not true. Yes, I will. Probably 50 more times.
#25
My children have turned me into a serial liar.
#26
Please be kind to dentists; they have fillings too.
#27
“My baby child is in fourth grade now. When she went to kindergarten a few years back, that was going to be the first time that I was going to be by myself all day long from 8 to 3. All by myself.”
“I nearly greed myself to death. I thought, Lord, what am I going to do with all this time on my hands? I hope I don’t get hooked on whiskey and start honky tonking.”
― Leanne Morgan
#28
“Thanks for your great advice on how I should raise my children,” said no mom ever.
#29
Son: Why are there only dad jokes and no mom jokes?
Mom: Who told you there are no mom jokes?
Son: There are?
Mom: Yep, just look in the mirror.
#30
What do you call a kid who listens to you the first time and does everything you ask for? Non-existent.
#31
My kids always accuse me of having a “favorite child,” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
#32
Hey, son, did you hear that the company that makes yardsticks won’t be making them any longer?
#33
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your kid does not need another cute outfit.
Mama. You need new underwear.
#34
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but your kid does not need another cute outfit.
Mama. You need new underwear.
#35
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
— Phyllis Diller
#36
Okay, I think I’ve come full circle.
I have kids now, so suddenly I’m back to asking my parents if I’m allowed to go out with my friends — and the answer is still no.
#37
“Wow, are all four kids yours?”
No, Barbara, I like taking random kids in the store for fun.
#38
“Gave baby her first bath yesterday, she pooped in the tub and when i picked her up to wipe her off she pooped on my hand. i keep telling her she’s not allowed to be a comedian, butt she’s clearly not listening.” — @ambercrollo
#39
Kids: Can we have chocolate cake for breakfast?
Mom: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is DAD eating cake for breakfast?
Dad: [mouth full of cake]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF.
#40
The only times my kids want to poop is when we’re late, at the store, or as soon as my husband leaves the house.
#41
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.”
She said, “What’s that got to do with anything?”
I said, “That means it’s pasture bedtime.”
#42
Mothers’ favorite lines (not in chronological order):
Shut the door.
Let me finish my coffee.
It’s wherever you left it.
I said, “Get your shoes on!”
You’re not hungry, you’re bored.
I saw that.
#43
What did the mommy broom say to the baby broom? It’s time to go to sweep.
#44
“Something happened when I met Jax that I did not expect. My mom got a little jealous.”
“I remember if I would buy Jax something like a scarf, my mom would be like, ‘I like scarves.’ I’m like, ‘You’re not my girlfriend.’”
― Fortune Feimster
#45
Year 2025
Mom: I cooked pot roast today.
Kid: I don’t want that.
Mom: Well, what would you like me to make you, dear?
Year 1996
Mom: Y’all come and eat this roast beef.
Kid: I don’t want that.
Mom: Don’t eat then, you’re gonna be a dizzy bastard in about two hours, too.
#46
Parenting is buying four bananas and watching them all get eaten in one day.
Then, buying eight bananas and watching them rot on the counter because “no one wants to eat them.”
#47
“My child fell down the stairs.”
#48
Mommy Facebook group: Why were you not watching him? Are your stairs not bubble wrapped? Are you not feeding your child organic home-grown food? Did you not douse your child with essential oils?
#49
I just fired myself from cleaning my house.
I did not like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Daddy Facebook group: LOL!
#50
Toddler’s daily to-do list:
Get up before Jesus wakes the sun.
Be irrationally angry about everything.
Break everything in your way.
Yell.
Demand to be fed.
Watch mom completely lose her mind.
Stay calm for 36 seconds.
Afternoon of pure nonsense
Evening of absolute hell.
Bedtime routine created by the devil himself.
#51
I feel like I’d be a much better parent if I didn’t have to do it every day.” — @snarkymommy78
#52
Setting a good example for your kids takes all the fun out of middle age.
#53
My kids have two stomachs.
One is the meal stomach. It’s about the size of a pea, which is why they’re unable to consume a full breakfast, lunch, or dinner.
The second is the snack stomach. This one stretches infinitely in accordance with the amount of snacks consumed.
#54
“I didn’t know that being pregnant could be really hard… I didn’t know that because you b**ches all lie about it.”
― Amy Schumer
#55
5-Year-old daughter: Mom, why is some of your hair white?
Me: (Smiles) Every time you make me sad, another hair turns white.
Daughter: Wow, Mom, what did you do to Grandma?
#56
“If you’re thinking of having kids just know my daughter was sobbing inconsolably the other night because she realized she can never be half dog/half human.” — @KatieDeal99
#57
I see all these Instagram moms who can do everything, and I think, “I should have them do some stuff for me…”
#58
“No one:
My 7yo at bedtime: the pet I want most is a lobster.” — @deloisivete
from Bored Panda /mom-jokes/
via IFTTT source site : boredpanda
