#1

My friend when he was about 4 was in trouble so he had to be in the kitchen with his mom where she could see him. He was bored and wanted to play but she wouldn’t let him so he looked at her and said in his sweetest voice “mom if you’re here, who’s running hell?” Still the most savage burn I’ve seen in a while.

Image credits: Taggy2087

#2

I heard a little kid saying to his mum: i thought men can’t get pregnant.

Ty little bastard you were talking so loud, i reduced my alcohol consume down to 10% of what i drank before (and now limited to weekends) and lost almost 15kg since then. Yes, was on my best way of becoming an alcoholic. And i had that fat “beer tummy” while else being pretty skinny.

Image credits: 123fass

#3

was chilling at a wedding, the bridesmaids were sitting there with the 5 year old flower girl. one of the bridesmaids said she wished she would be the next to get married and the flower girl said “no becky you are too ugly to get married”. i burst out laughing.

Image credits: demonardvark

#4

I’m a high school teacher. Once a student came up to me and said “Ms. ____ has anyone told you that you look nice today?” I said “Aww. Thank you! They haven’t.” She then said “Good. I wanted to make sure no one was lying to you.” And walked away.

Image credits: hjnatt

#5

My 11 year old sister to one of my friends:

“Hey, did you know that if you were to eat a bee, you would have more brains in your stomach than in your head.”

A conversation I overheard between my father and sister:

My father: “Can your little legs carry your big smart mouth?”

My sister: “can your legs carry your big stomach?”

Image credits: sabsteve

#6

My daughter is a genius and on the spectrum… this has led to some hilarious (in hindsight) encounters. My mother-in-law was spending time with the little one to get to know her better (she was an unplanned life happens adoption and will be our only child.) They were folding clothes in my MIL‘s Living room when the otherwise silent all day 3yr old turns to her and says: “My panties are too small to fold.“ she held up my MIL’s underwear she had been folding. “I can fold your panties many many times. It is because your butt is so big.” My MIL said she then held her underwear up in awe and whispered “One day I too will be gloriously fat.”

Image credits: MrsBanhammer

#7

My sister looked at me and said, “you look like you’re pregnant, but you’re not”

Image credits: LaunchesKayaks

#8

Halloween was coming soon, my sister was talking to one of my 5 yo cousins. “Hey honey! What do you think your mommy should dress like for halloween? A princess?”. The kid smiled: “She’s waaay too ugly for a princess! Mommy should be a witch!”

We kept quiet for the rest of the day. Mommy never knew.

Image credits: ShinitaiMeiko

#9

Little girl was dressed as a fast food worker for Halloween was being given s**t by her aunt for her “low choice” and that she needed to aim higher if she wanted to succeed, whole thing was really demeaning and weird. Girl fired back with: I’m only 12, what’s your excuse for being poor then?

Image credits: amalgamas

#10

My little brother asked if he’d have a mustache like me when he grew up. I’m a girl.

Image credits: _thebeees_kneees_

#11

Parent: you know you’ll have to listen me for the rest of your life
Child: no, I have to listen to you for the rest of YOUR life

Image credits: B_Mwangi

#12

Nana says ‘George Bush Sr. and I only have one thing in common, we both hate broccoli.’ My daughter responds, ‘ one day soon, you will have two things in common.’

Image credits: scheffj

#13

A group of adults were talking extremely loud about how stupid certain people were, and that includes young kids. One of the person’s kid said
“At least I know I’m dumb.”
I think of that kid to this day.

Image credits: _MrUseless_

#14

My three year old daughter walked up to a man in a wheelchair whilst we were in the supermarket, looked him straight in the face and said “You’re too old for a pram”

Image credits: carywhiite

#15

When I was 22 or so I was just out of college, living at home, and working as an aide at an elementary school. I was working with a first grader who asked me if I had kids. I said no. He asked if I had a wife. I said no. The kid looks a bit confused and says, “Then who do you live with?” I said that I live with my parents and brothers. Then the kid looks even more confused and goes, “Wait… I thought you were an adult.” I know he didnt mean nothing by it, but damn.

#16

The other day my 6 year old daughter was sitting next to me and looked me right in the eye and said “why do you have a mustache?”

I’m a woman, by the way.

Image credits: kay37892

#17

I was washing dishes in the kitchen and singing to myself and my 4yr old walked in with her face screwed up and said “mummy you cant sing, it’s hurting my ears”. She’s not wrong though because I definitely can’t sing. It’s brutal honesty daily from her.

#18

“Uncle Eric? When is your baby due?”

Kid had just learned what a pregnancy looked like. Uncle Eric was not, in fact, pregnant.

#19

When my brother was 3 or 4, I told him about Buerger Disease, so he would approach smoking strangers in the park and inform them that they will have to have their leg cut off…

#20

“Dad, I drew you with no hair, because you pretty much don’t have any.” My 5-year-old son

#21

A boy said to the older, operatic soprano soloist after a concert:

“When you sing it makes my ears *hurt!*”

#22

Someone in the family was pregnant, and my nieces were putting together the facts related to baby making at the time. A light bulb went off and they noted ‘oh, so that means so and so had s*x.’ Then, another light bulb went off and they said to their mom “oh, so that means that you and dad have had s*x too!”

They seemed skeptical, and when further questioned, said “Dad just doesn’t seem like the type of person that would have s*x.”

Image credits: AgoraiosBum

#23

I was at a public safety education event for grades 5/6 representing EMS. I was showing a kid some of the advanced things we do and her teacher asked “So, would you want to be a Paramedic?”

Her reply….”No, I’m going to study business, I want to be able to pay my bills”.

Still kinda stings.

Image credits: Zenmedic

#24

My 8 year old niece-in-law was talking to my brother and me. Since her aunt was dating my brother she asked me who my girlfriend was. I said I didn’t have one. She said “Oh… some people are just supposed to be alone, I guess.”

Gee, thanks.

Image credits: PhreedomPhighter

#25

I was in fifth grade and had a substitute teacher that got into a pretty heated argument with one of the kids in the class. Finally the sub says “you see this is why I never had kids” and without missing a beat the kid says “no you never had kids because no woman would come within 10 feet of you”. The sub got pretty quiet after that.

#26

My 4-5 year old nephew was looking at a picture of me holding him when he was a baby. He asked why I was holding him in the picture. I told him at that time he liked me more than anybody else. He then asks me, “Why wasn’t *cousin’s name* holding me then?” That cousin was his current favorite.

My niece when she was 3-4 years old pointed at my class ring and asked if it was my “married ring”. I told her it wasn’t. She then said, “Oh so no one wants to marry you?” Me, “Ahh..guess not.”

#27

My bro in law is a bonehead. My sis was explaining something about their new car purchase and my 4 year told niece says to me – “auntie I don’t think daddy ever knows what he is talking about” with the most serious face. She is pretty intuitive for being such a little human.

#28

Karen to her kid: “Stop acting like a child!”
Some random kid walking by: “He is a child, what’s your excuse.”

#29

Adult teaching child.

Child trying to re explain what the adult is saying.

The adult correcting the child.

The child, “What language do you speak?”

Adult, “Uh…English. Same as you.”

Child, “If we both speak English, why don’t you understand what I am saying??”

Brought to you by a 5 year old in kindergarten.

#30

My friend and I went to an amusement park together when we were about 9-10.
We walked past a haunted house at some point and an actor dresses as a zombie walked around in front of it to “scare” people and get them interested.

This dude walks up to us with the whole zombie walk and limping stuff and my friend just keeps on walking and talking. He follows her for just a few steps to see if she would stop eventually but she just turns around, goes dead silent and deadpans: Do I have a magnet shoved up my a*s or *why* are you following me??

The dude totally lost it and started laughing. Imagine a small kid with glasses and cute freckles in a dress saying s**t like that with a straight face. Makes me smile everytime I think about it.

#31

My ex was a heavy dude. He changed his shirt in front of his 4 year old nephew, who looked at his belly confused and genuinely asked him if his stomach was his butt.

Image credits: Asak0pt3r

#32

My niece said to my sister: “Mommy, you look like you fell from heaven…. And hit every branch on the way down.”

#33

My neighbor was about 2 years old and he was running around their house and going to touch some shoes and was gonna keep them in his mouth. My dad saw him, told him no don’t do that and fake scolded him. The kid in his adorable lisp and bare minimum vocabulary said ” You are talking too much. Go to your office” in our language.

This has been our family’s go to line the now 10 year old is super embarrassed by it.

#34

My 6 year old daughter was working on a “science experiment” as in mixing random kitchen pantry stuff.

Daughter: Mom come here I need a big person!
Me: You mean an adult?
S**t you not she looks me up and down with this skeptical look and says, “yea but you’ll do”

#35

3 year old to me: “Are you a boy or a girl?”

#36

At an elementary school daycare when I was 8-9, one of my friends got annoyed so he asked one the daycare counselors, “Aren’t we paying you to be here?” Instant silence.

#37

Last week my husband who works at a local grocery store overheard a mother pushing her two kids in a cart and complaining about how heavy they were. The older child, probably around 7 years old looks at her and says, “You’re the one who decided to have two kids”. Looks like someone spends a lot of time at his grandparent’s house.

#38

I was picking up my cousin from daycare, when a little girl super loudly asked “Mom, why does your vulva have a moustache?”

Image credits: el_pobbster

#39

My 6 year old cousin, 4 at the time, told me “you wear pajamas in the day because you’re a disaster.”

#40

My 4 year old daughter told me at dinner not to long ago:
You look nice! You don’t look like yourself!
Well thanks, I guess…..

#41

When I was 4-5 years old I was sitting in my step mom’s lap in the car (good ole 90’s when car safety was less of a concern) and I was slapping her leg, uncovered because of her shorts. I said, “it ripples like a pool!”…I did not realize until I was older why she was so offended.

#42

When speaking my second language, a six year old told me “You don’t sound like you’re foreign, you just sound like there’s something wrong with your mouth.”

#43

Giving my 11 year old nieces advice before they start middle school, telling them how mean other tweens can be and that I’m there for them if they need support. One of them responds “you must have been a real loser in middle school”

THANKS

#44

We were playing a game of horse shoe, me and my nephew (7 y/o) vs my brother in law and my dad.

My nephew was on fire. Hitting dinger after dinger. We won and my brother in law went to shake my nephew’s hand while saying congratulations. My nephew pulled his hand through his hair and said “I don’t shake hands with losers”!

#45

Back when my daughter was 2, she loudly asked “Mommy, where’s your butt?!?” (I can’t gain weight for the life of me) My sister thought it was hilarious until later on when reading a book the 2y/o pointed to a picture of a cow and said “That’s Auntie B!!”

#46

When I was around 4 or 5 we went to Canada to attend my grandfathers funeral. It was a long time coming so my grandmother had been handling it well. We stayed up there for about 2 weeks after since it was summer and we usually spent august up there anyways, but this time as we were pulling out of the driveway to head back south I leaned out the window and shouted “Bye Grandma! Love you! Don’t die now!”

#47

Kid in school: “Why should i listen to you? You dont know any more than what that paper says

#48

When I was a kid, my dads friend used to make fun of me for playing with wrestlers.

One day he asked me.
“Are you still playing with them half naked men?”

I replied.
“At least mine are toys”

#49

My 13 year old sister, grandmother, myself, and my mom were playing poker. Sis takes every chip from mom in a stellar hand. Mom gets up pouting, sis dead a*s looks at her and says “you should probably go wash your hair, considering I just mopped the floor with it.” Me and my grandma DIED LAUGHING.

#50

When we were little, my mom had a friend that none of us liked. One time she came over and was talking about a new boyfriend and my older sister said “hey (mom’s friend), is your boyfriend’s mustache as thick as yours? “

#51

“Why does your hair smell like a horse?”

Said to me by 3 yo little cousin.

#52

My son. Asian store. About 6 years ago.
“Daddy it smells in here” me shushing him trying to get him to shut up. He continues ” it smells worse than you”. Mind you, he has no concept for inside voice.

#53

In a busy store, kid maybe 4 years old getting ignored.

“Dad. Dad. Dad. Daddy. Dad. Daddy. DADDY. DADDY. DAD. DADA! DADDY! DADDY! DADA! DAD! DAD!”

5 seconds later a great shout comes out this kid.

“STEEEEEEVE!”

That got dad’s attention, he jumped 3 inches.

#54

My cousin once told me that I didn’t have a boyfriend because “guys like boobs and you don’t have any”. I have never hit a child but holy f**k.

#55

This one was said to me by the younger sister of a kid I coached. She was about 8 and her brother was in high school. I was joking around with the family saying how much the kid was a handful. It was all tongue in cheek as this kid was one of my favorites. His 8 year old sister chimes in and says “Why would he listen to you?! Your torso is longer than your legs”
I still don’t know how offended by this I should be… but I feel like it’s a lot.

#56

One day I was at the zoo and some kid randomly said: ‘hé grandpa, those monkeys look like you’

#57

My aunt totally babies my 7 year old cousin. The other day he looked straight at my aunt as said “bring me water you filthy peasant” and she literally said nothing and got him water. If that was my kid id punt him across the room.

#58

That was probably me. My uncle likes to just sit on the couch all day at his parents’ house and since this covid thing happened he lost his job. Now he sits on the couch 10 times as much and does not even acknowledge his own daughter. One day he came over to my house to swim since all pools were closed and he does not have one. He eventually said, “Man! My back really hurts like all the time!” So I said “Probably because you sat on the same couch for 15 years.” My mom laughed so hard and so did I. Even my uncle cracked a little giggle.

#59

I was told by an acquaintances daughter that i was skinny and fat at the same time.

#60

when my ex boyfriend was 5 years old, he wrote “kiss my a*s” on a piece of paper and slid it under the door while his dad was in the bathroom. i laughed for hours when they told me the story.

#61

My niece asked me, “Auntie jemmo, why aren’t you pretty like Mommy?” Oof.

#62

When I was around 7 fire department came for my grandma after she fell. Mom was talking to firefighter about something and he had a really long neck. I just blurted out “you look like an alien” the guys by the truck overheard and busted out laughing. My mom was so embarrassed and the guy just laughed as well.

#63

My sister was a nanny to two little girls, ages 2 and 4. She brought them over to my parents’ house and I was just settling in to bake in the sun in my bikini. I opened the deck door to walk outside to greet them but the door got a little jammed, so I tried to squeeze through, but those Freshman 15 were holding me back a little. Without missing a beat the 4-year-old turned to her little sister and said in a hushed tone, “You see, she can’t get through because she’s too fat.”

#64

Not to an adult, but still hilarious. First thing in the morning, as our 12 year old daughter was stumbling into the living room, our 5 year old son turned to her and deadpanned, “Keira, I don’t love you. And I never have.”

Our 12 yearold who is used to our 5 year old’s b******t, was just like, “Thanks buddy.”

It was a brutal way to wake up.

#65

5 year old daughter looked at me and out of nowhere said “I don’t think your fat mum… You’re just a teeeennnnsssssyyyy bit chunky” used her fingers for emphasis too, cheers buddy.

3 year old yesterday morning walked into my bedroom, pointed at me and called me a ballbag. Died laughing as it was so unexpected but his father and I had some words.

#66

I was playing “the floor is lava” with my then 4yr old niece. I pretended to start drowning in lava reaching my hand out to her yelling, “Please help me”. My niece pops her head over the edge of the couch, looks straight into my eyes and whispered, “No one is going to save you.”

I drowned, “died”, and never played lava with her again.

#67

My 4 year old sister called my 9 year old cousin homeless after he wouldn’t let her sit in his lap.

#68

My mom had my younger sister a lot older than she had me and my other siblings, there is an 18 year difference between us. My mom always talks about how old she is (usually in a joking sense when its hard to get up from the couch). They stopped by to visit me the other day and as my mom got up from the chair, she goes “ugh, I’m getting old!”. My sassy 8 year old sis goes, “the only thing getting old is you saying you’re old.” She’s too funny.

#69

Heard some kid say to his parent ” they won’t find your body after I’m done with you”

#70

My little sister.. maybe 4 yrs old tops in the elevator at my grandparents retirement home. Little old lady gets off the elevator and looks back at sis; “Bye bye sweet heart”. Sis, “Bye bye scum bucket”. Elevator door closes.

#71

In my younger 20s I had horrible acne. I was a cashier at CVS. A customer’s young daughter asked me why I had so many bug bites on my face. It took all my strength to not cry in front of that customer.

#72

When I shaved my nephew said, “Wow, you look bad, you look like your Dad.”

Two birds with one stone.

#73

“Kids these days misbehave so much.”

“Didn’t you raise me?”

#74

An old uncle was laying in the coffin at the funeral viewing and one of his buddy’s that knew him his whole life knew that he liked to smoke Chesterfield cigarettes so he pulled out a fresh pack and stuck them in the uncles shirt picket. Then he placed a zippo lighter in his hands that were clasp over his chest. A little kid standing nearby watching the whole think shouted out “he won’t need that lighter where he’s going!”

#75

i once said to my aunt “you’re much fatter than my mummy”

#76

My 10 year old daughter told me, “it’s okay mom – there are lots of people more chubby than you.”

#77

My five year old and I needed to talk to our neighbor for some reason (2 years ago) as soon as we stepped in my kid said, “God it’s a mess and it smells! You need to clean up after yourself!”

My kid had a point thou.

#78

When I was about 4 or 5 one of my aunts had a miscarriage. Hearing that she had lost her baby I went up to her and said : I was in my moms belly too but my mom didn’t loose me. She started crying…

#79

Our friend son, said “do you know that my dad can not satisfy my mother ” his father wished to disappear at that moment

#80

When I was like 5 my dad asked me why I always asked my mom to treat my boo-boos when he’s a doctor. I said, “you’re not a doctor” so after a lot of arguing I said I was gonna call my grandma. My mom stepped in and confirmed my dad is a doctor (PhD) in Physics. I declared, “that’s not a real doctor!” 5 years of grad school in physics just to have your daughter say you’re not a real doctor, ooof.

#81

My 6 year old son: love you mummy!

His mum / my wife: love you too Ben – and what about your dad?

Son: well, I like him a bit, I suppose

Me: 🙁

#82

My friend and I were leaving our local fireworks show when we were teens and this little kid in front of us turned around, while still holding his parent’s hand, and looked straight in my eyes and yelled “YOU WERE A MISTAKE!” Like full on, raspy voiced and everything.

#83

My parents lived in fear of what I was going to say when a I was young, probably still do, but some of my greatest hits were;

“Man you’re fat” – to one of their female customers

“Why are your teeth so yellow” – to our neighbor.

“Your car smells like pee.” – to really old baby sitter that in hindsight was probably wearing depends.

#84

My friend’s precocious 4yo over cake and tea: “you know, my mummy speaks broken English.”

FTR my friend speaks five languages fluently and a couple of more fairly well, but she does have a slight accent.

#85

This one time when I was a kid, me and my family were out eating at a restaurant. Everything was fine until I notice the table next to us. The man (a very big man) had a HUGE plate of mussel, and he was scarfing them down like I had rarely seen. Then this man let a serious burp come out. My whole family heard it. That’s when I turned around to face the man, looking at him with huge round eyes. He said ”sorry about that” to which I replied ”don’t worry about it, pig” I was around 8 years old. I don’t quite remember his reaction, but my dad sometimes reminds me of this story.

#86

Growing up we went on a big family trip with my cousins and uncles/aunts/etc. My cousin who was also a teenager at the time, got into a big tantrum about the trip and escalated a huge fight with my uncle.

He said something along the lines of how my uncle doesn’t make much money and can’t provide for their family or something. It was extremely gut wrenching to hear at the time but even more so now that I’m a working adult.

#87

I was playing a car-spotting game with my niece while I was driving her somewhere and was getting a bit bored with it, so I suddenly declared “Yay! I’m the winner!”. She scoffed and in a low voice mumbled “Yeah, right. You’ll NEVER be a winner.”

#88

Kid at park “Who’s that you were talking to?”

My kid “That’s my dad.”

Other kid “Oh. He looks more like a grandad.”

Ego deflates.

#89

Used to work at a superstore (think blue uniforms…) and I customized my vest with colorful pins and wore heavy makeup to work to give myself a unique ‘style’. One day I was straightening a shelf when a child that couldn’t have been older than five pointed at me and said “look mommy, it’s a clown!”

… Honestly, this is fair.

#90

*Just because you are a parent, doesn’t mean that you will say whatever and I will believe. If you don’t know, just keep quiet*

**6 year old boy (neighbour’s son) was not pleased when the mother said that there were 9 planets**

#91

Me to my 6 y.o. son: Ya know, there are a lot of things about you that remind me of me.

6 y.o. son: Yeah, you wish.

#92

when I was about 2, my aunt begged my mom to let her take me around town to do some errands with her. Mom agreed and off we went. One of the neighbor ladies was standing at the doorway of her house and my aunt stopped to say hello. My aunt was carrying me, and said that the whole time they talked I just stared at the lady. Didn’t take my eye off of her. My aunt and I eventually continued on our way, did the errands and walked back home. We once again passed by the neighbor lady’s house, and my aunt stopped to talk to her again. I also proceeded to intensely stare at the lady. The lady tells my aunt how cute I was, and started to baby talk me. I then turned to my aunt and very loudly asked “aunt, why is that lady so ugly”. My aunt never took me on errands again until i was well into my teens.

#93

Was visiting with my aunt a couple months ago and she has a 4 year old son. She let me know he had a birthday party coming up at the community pool and told me I was invited. She walked out of the room and he looked me dead in the eyes and said “mommy said you can come but I think your too fat and might scare my friends so you’re not allowed to swim”. Took everything in me not to drop kick a child that day.

#94

I saw my nephew (4) shopping with his step mum she says hi to me and he ignores me, I asked what his problem was and he replies “I don’t know you bruh” only changed a thousand of his nappies, don’t worry ?

#95

I was visiting a high-end resort town last month and heard a mother on the sidewalk say “I wish I could retire here” and her son (8-ish?) laughed and said “you’re never going to retire.”

#96

A few years ago my nephew told me that my “feet are weird”.

I can’t explain it but I still think about that sometimes

#97

My 7 year old: “Dad, you’re going to be 40 soon. That’s old.”

Me: “Are you going to put me into a retirement home when I turn 40?”

7yo: “No, you’ll still have to work 25 more years before you can retire.”

oof

#98

My mom got into trouble at work for emailing a friend from her work email when I was about 8yo. I told her that she should’ve been fired. She was a good parent, 22 years later I still remember saying that.

#99

My 5 yr old to my mum the other day “Hey Nan how old are you? 95?” She’s just turned 70.

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