We all have a good sense of what is acceptable in a romantic relationship. Yet, despite these parameters, many people still fall into the trap of ignoring the warning signs and ultimately tolerating a partner’s unhinged behaviors. 

Overlooking these red flags often leads to a massive wave of regret, especially when it occurs after marriage. And as you will come to see in these stories, the outcomes are nothing short of heartbreaking. 

We’ve collected these responses from a Reddit thread from a while back. If you relate in any way to any of them, we’d like to hear your insights in the comments below.

#1

The pictures. We had to take a million pictures of us doing stuff, any stuff.

Everything was on social media with a picture, every post was “my marine…” Every conversation was about her being a Marine girlfriend, etc.

It was all for show, I was a trophy.

When we got married she quit going to school and quit her well paying job. When she’d meet people and they asked what she did she said she was a military wife, etc.

We divorced and she has a kid now and everything is about being a mom. She just changed situations as far as I can tell.

Image credits: anon

#2

I loved him for who I thought he could be and not who he is.

Image credits: ndividualistic

#3

She cheated to be with me.

No one ever listens, do they? People need to make their mistakes, it seems.

As it begins, so it ends. Always.

Image credits: Sarnadas

#4

I think one of the early signs of trouble I missed was when my ex would cook only for himself. If I was home and he was making a sandwich or something he never offered me one. If I asked he would oblige but he never thought of me.

He turned out not to be a very considerate person. He thinks about the moment and his needs but not beyond that.

-Edit-

For clarity: the sandwich was an example. He didn’t ask about coffee, pasta or staying out when we had plans. We had a really good 10 year relationship and I still like him as a person. He is just not a great partner. Everyone wants something different in their significant other. For me it was important that I was a consideration in his life.

It was just a symptom not the problem itself. It is just a red flag to make one consider their partners other actions. Too many similar red flags and it is worth considering if there is a real issue. For me there was a field of red flags. This is just any easy one to spot.

Image credits: afkaOP

#5

I doubt this will reach many people but it may help someone. I wasn’t married but my now ex and I dated for six years.

I thought i would get past her being a mean person. She said that her past boyfriend had a large impact on her and that she was mean to people now because of it. She had a malicious mindset where if someone hurt her it was her job to hurt them back (which was me more often than not)

If someone has a PERSONALITY that you don’t like — get out. They won’t change. Thats who they are. It will only get worse, and youll be miserable.

edit: I want to reinforce that they wont change. I’m serious, there’s no maybe they will maybe they won’t, that person will not change. Habits? you can work through those — thats a lot to put on yourself to take that on but it can happen if they want to. But personality? No, that’s going to be them until the day you die.

Image credits: OnWitsEnd

#6

Yes, I ignored some pretty big red flags and to this day I am not sure why I went ahead with the marriage. The first that I thought of was ignoring the fact that he was texting this one girl and lying about it. The texts didn’t seem too crazy (at first) but he would still lie and say things like I wasn’t texting her or i just had a question about work.

Then I also ignored when leading up to the wedding and him leaving for boot camp, he seemed to just not care anymore. He was already starting to get too big of a head because he had lost so much weight. Then on our wedding day he ignored me pretty much the entire reception. His excuse was I want to hang out with my friends because I am leaving for boot camp in three days. I should’ve just annulled the marriage right there, but I stuck around for another year and a half and it only got worse.

Found girls clothes in our room after visiting my family in our home state and then coming back to our appt. He would tell me my opinions didn’t matter because I was nothing but a civilian. Ended after a year and a half of marriage. He still tells people I left him because he was deploying and I didn’t want to wait for him. 6 years later and I am much happier than I was then.

Image credits: yesjesshero

#7

This was the case with my parents: my mother didn’t discover my father’s mental problems until later. The why is that they got married way too fast, two months, and bipolar disorders have natural ups and downs. She had only seen the up.

Textbook example of why you shouldn’t marry unless you’ve been with the person for a while.

Image credits: Maleficus1234

#8

Yeah, she was really worried about some of my female friends stealing me away from her. To the point of not allowing me to interact with them. “It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s that I don’t trust her!”

Yeah, she cheated on me.

Image credits: Thedoc9

#9

“When you look at someone through rose colored glasses all the red flags just look like… flags. “.

Image credits: HelloKittyCarry

#10

We met when I was 16 and he was 25. We lived together a number of years before we got married.

We went together really well and I thought it was a good match, almost the day after we were married his family decided to set rules (he bought the house that we all lived in, it was large enough and we had the basement suite) we weren’t allowed out after a certain time, his mother and father could berate me as much as they pleased.

He himself became very controlling, I wasn’t allowed to finish school or work and he would use these to mock and guilt me after saying I was a burden and a leech, a gold-digger. They all decided for me that I would have his children and we would all stay in the house together, soon after I was taken off birth control I was no longer allowed out of the house without an escort, I wasn’t allowed to see my mother more than once a week.

Everyone thought we were the perfect couple, I was isolated and after my mom moved away I had no one to turn to. He gained a lot of weight and started to tell me how fat and unattractive I was, he started looking at a lot of escort ads for Asian women, he brought over ‘friends for me’ (16 year old girls) he met on myspace and then would drool over them.

I never had his baby, we were married when I was 19 and I was gone by 25. I ran away in the middle of the night. I never tried to get alimony or spousal support, I left all of my belongings behind. He still has made the process of divorce difficult and I am almost 31 now, it’s finally going through. He still lives in the basement.

I had no idea what I was walking into and I lived with them all for years before the control started. It was unbelievable how fast they changed.

Image credits: anon

#11

Tl;Dr After 7 years of brain cancer remission, my husband’s cancer came back with a vengeance. He had 5 more surgeries and after each one the side effects worsened, one of which is brain injury. He is now an entirely different man, but we are working on getting to know each other again. /end of tl;dr

We had been together for 7 years and living together ever since his first round of surgeries before his cancer came back. After the first resection surgery he recovered remarkably fast and had zero side effects. After recovering he even got a BS degree in Civil Engineering and was working towards his professional engineering license. I was in school on track for a PhD in a STEM field. Fast forward 6 years, and an annual MRI showed that the cancer was back and my husband needed it to be removed ASAP. We scheduled the surgery to happen 2 months after we found out it had come back.

The next 19 months were pure chaos. The only recourse for this kind of cancer was through surgical resection due to its location on the brain stem. In a short 19 month time frame (in no particular order), my husband had 4 resection surgeries, 1 emergency surgery that arose from a complication from one of the resections, and 30 treatments of IMRT radiation. The radiation happened between resections 2 and 3. It was hell for him. It didn’t help stop the cancer from growing, and my husband had two more resections and an emergency surgery after the radiation was complete.

During this time I got pregnant and had a baby boy. Trying for a baby was a contingency plan if the cancer ever came back. We wanted kids but we wanted to wait until we were graduated and settled into our careers, but if my husband needed more surgery we agreed to try for a baby before surgery. We had one month to try and were totally surprised when we conceived. Our son gave my husband the strength to fight this cancer and the motivation to focus on his recovery.

After each surgery the side effects got worse. Remember I said he had zero side effects when the cancer was first diagnosed and resected. Now that he was in his 30s rather than his 20s, his recovery time was a lot slower. Between those 5 surgeries and 30 treatments of radiation, I had to help my husband relearn how to walk and talk again (with inpatient and outpatient help, of course). As a matter of fact, our son and him learned to walk at the same time. It was a emotionally happy and proud time for us all!

The last two resection surgeries left him with a side effect called an acquired brain injury. He also has severe visual disabilities due to the surgeon disrupting the 3rd and 4th cranial nerves in an aggressive attempt to get all of the cancer out. My husband can no long look up or down nor open his eyes. He must use his forehead muscles to be able to open his eyelids slightly. His pupils are different size dilations, and this damage is permanent.

The visual disabilities were a cakewalk as compared to the brain injury. The brain injury transformed my type A, empathetic, highly trained engineer of a husband into an angry child with absolutely no empathy and A LOT of anger. It’s been almost 2 years since he was formally diagnosed with a moderate brain injury. He is an entirely different person now. He has different interests, different tastes in clothes, food, etc, and requires so much sleep because of the damage to his brain. He didn’t ask for this to happen; he just wanted to survive the cancer so he could be there for his son.

As of today he’s made a lot of progress. He can function independently at home and is the caretaker of our 2.5 year old son while I work to support us. Our roles have changed 180 degrees, and he still struggles with empathy. He is now permanently disabled due to his visual and cognitive disabilities from his brain injury.

Most days are difficult because I’m still grieving the husband I once had. However just because it is difficult doesn’t mean I’m giving up on him. We go to counseling (individual and marriage) and brain injury support groups. We attend a local church, which saved my sanity. I have single handedly built a support network that is made of my husband’s medical doctors, our friends, our church family, and the few DNA family members and friends who have stuck around through this life change.

The sad part is that my husband’s entire family (brothers, mother, father, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) have ostracized us from the family. They have chosen to avoid and deny the situation because it’s too difficult for them. That hurt a lot because my husband and I were very close to his DNA family for many years before the brain cancer came back. I am estranged from my family and have been for years and his family knew that. So I was left alone to handle my husband’s rehabilitation and long term recovery. It was the hardest and darkest time of my life. I’m happy to say that our family of choice is better than what we had in our DNA family.

I love my husband and I will always be there for him. I take my wedding vows seriously. He needs love and support, not avoidance and denial. He’s made a lot of progress in the past couple of years. I’m proud of him! Most days are hard but some days are good. I’m still getting to know this new husband of mine. We take life one day at a time and things are finally looking up for us.

There’s a lot more to this situation, but I’ve already written a book! Hope someone will read this and be encouraged.

ETA: During the time my husband was having all of these surgeries, radiation, and subsequent recovery, I never gave up working on my PhD. I graduated and got an excellent job right away in my field. It has great pay, excellent benefits, and the perfect schedule for my little family. I get a 3 day weekend every other weekend! Despite all the chaos and struggling, I knew I couldn’t give up on my degree. I knew that my husband and son depended on me to support them, so I had no choice. It was so hard. I can’t express in words how hard it was. I wouldn’t wish my life on my worst enemy. Brain injury changed our lives indefinitely.

Image credits: twilight_zone1207

#12

Im the kid of two fairly narcissistic people. The red flags ive learned to avoid from growing up in my house were.

-Blaming trivial things on each other.

-A need to physically attack or break something when angry.

-Attention seeking behavior. Seen my father throw himself down stairs or start chugging liquor just to get a reaction from my mom.

-Selfishness. Like going out for food and never asking or offering anything to anyone else.

-Hiding money, on the flip side needing to hide money because one person spends all of it leaving you high and dry come time to pay bills.

-Prioritizing ones happiness over everyone else’s. For example planning every vacation around one person’s likes and dislikes. This is a HUGE red flag IMO.

-Total inability to take responsibility for anything. Literally everything bad is someone else’s fault.

-Inversely, taking credit for anything positive.

-Vindictive behavior. Cant count how many times ive seen my father break my mother’s s**t because he knew it would hurt her.

-Saying things you don’t mean with the specific intent of upsetting someone.

-Treating others like their only purpose is to entertain you.

I basically grew up in a red flag factory.

Image credits: Were_Doomed_arent_we

#13

He didn’t necessarily change, but I woke up to an issue. His mother is overly involved. She wants to come stay weekends with us without warning. When he told her he had proposed she told him he should’ve waited. She was a jerk at our wedding. And when we told her I was pregnant she also said we should’ve waited. So…basically she has a negative opinion on us. He is a mommas boy too, so I bet it hurts, but he won’t admit. I just wish she’d butt out.

Image credits: EmmilyLWood

#14

That feeling in your gut, like a silent tug that something isn’t right, but you ignore it because you so desperately want someone to love you and be in love. Well, that feeling will eat away at you, until it becomes too big to ignore, and the only choice left is to see how things really are; not how you want them to be. Don’t ignore your gut.

Image credits: more_wineplease

#15

She didn’t finish high school.

After we got married I found out that she couldn’t see anything moderately difficult through to the end. Including our marriage.

She ghosted me while I was at work 3 years 3 months 1 week and 3 days in. I haven’t seen her since.

Image credits: blank_zilla

#16

Well, my ex wife is a lesbian now.

Image credits: AllTaints18

#17

Everything was about him. I was too enamored (he was very charming) to realize I’d gotten involved with a serious narcissist and later after we broke up, stalker.

Image credits: brwriter

#18

Yes. My wife (soon to be ex) was very possessive of me and my time. She expected me choose her over other things, including friends and family. I fully believe that couples should be committed to the other, so I went along. However, she never really reciprocated. There is something called “love bombing,” where a person puts all of their energies into you and I think that’s what made her so attractive to me – she made me feel good about myself. I wrote off her clinginess to insecurity that I felt would go away eventually. After all, I’m a badass and compassionate, I can fix anything,right?

We had good times, to be sure, but when the kids came along, the attention went their way. She’s a ball of anxiety and it just too much to deal with. About 3 years ago, I sat her down and said we were in trouble and needed to go to counseling. She said “no,” but said she’d read books about strengthening the marriage with me. But she didn’t. Instead, she poured all of her energies into a friendship she had recently made with the mother of friends of our kids. It got to the point that I accused her of having an affair with this other woman (her unusual behaviors with her phone were only one of many indicators something might be up). She denied. A year after the accusations, I discovered she had been reading books about lesbianism (specifically being in love with a woman while married) since before the accusation. She denies to this day. And quite frankly, it’s possible nothing was up, but I’ll never fully believe it and need out. She won’t give up this friendship, either.

So here I am, more than a year after asking for the divorce and she’s still saying she’ll work on things. I don’t want to be the guy that tries to diagnose his spouse as a way of abdicating any responsibility, but I feel this is a case of narcissism.

Image credits: cinnamonstyx

#19

I had an opposite experience. She showed GREEN flags after marriage.

Prior to marriage she was very meek with anyone other than me. Her parents were very strict so even as an adult she was too afraid to tell them we were even engaged. What they said went even though we were living together “as roommates.” More than once she called their house to let them know she was going out as if she wasn’t allowed to otherwise.

There were issues with a few friends that clashed with me (they were pretty toxic and I don’t placate that type of behavior so I’m not always well received – doesn’t bother me) and I saw her comforting people who were treating *her* poorly after we clashed over it more than once. She’s a bleeding heart and couldn’t stand to see people upset even when the upset was caused by their own misdeeds. I felt like she didn’t *always* have my back, but I never thought it was something I needed, and I would always have hers.

She let people walk all over her while I’m the first person to put my foot down. In that aspect we were the most different.

Before marriage she also had a huge amount of medical issues and I was more than willing to accept a life of working to keep her alive, and supporting her as a stay at home wife when she got too sick.

***

Then we got married, and she changed.

I think she finally saw us as a package deal. While my girlfriend was meek and weak my *wife* became outspoken not only socially but politically. She started calling me out (something I *appreciate* greatly – I like learning about things I can work on), but would absolutely slay people who weren’t treating *us* well. We ended a lot of friendships that weren’t healthy and were stringing along because of her bleeding heart after the wedding. It was like she was a Phoenix rising from the ashes of bad friends.

She is still medically frail but I think she sees a future to fight for now. The fact that I make more than her isn’t just a fact now, it’s a challenge.

She wants to be the breadwinner so that I can quit my job and go back to my career in art (I did great but the market was so unpredictable I needed to leave my dream for stability).

She is still beautiful, caring, and gentle, but since being married that caring aspect includes caring for herself. She doesn’t let anyone dictate her life (especially her parents) and because of that she has healthier relationships with everyone, including me.

That ring and those vows somehow told her she was worthy of self respect and self expression. I love her.

Image credits: Made_you_read_p***s

#20

Not different, the same. I love my husband immensely. While dating he was late to things. It wasnt in his mind to consider everyone elses point of view. I am a child of an alcoholic so I over consider. The balance has been good for me. That being said, i wish he would show up on time. If its his event for family or hobby he is there early. My family or my hobby he drags his feet. I hate it and its so rude and obnoxious. 23 years of it. He is not changing. I have adapted. It still makes me mad but i put it into perspective. I am no joy either, I bet.

Image credits: Tess47

#21

I realized it was a possibility since I met her but I don’t care because I love her.

She’s extremely emotionally unstable and the recent passing of her brother spiraled her into a dark place. From there she was diagnosed with bipolar and now a lot of things from the past make sense. She is compliant with her meds and attends therapy. We are best friends so we communicate well. I love her very much and I’m here to support her no matter what even though she’s an extremely different person now. I’m sure I’m different too, but hopefully in a way that is beneficial to her.

It was a hard lesson for me to learn that love cannot cure someone’s depression, and I’m still learning how to cope with this huge change myself.

People who are married to someone living with mental illness and struggling, don’t be afraid to ask for help! Sometimes your reality gets so skewed living with your partners illness everyday, you forget some things are not normal or typical behavior for people who do not have depression or that particular illness.

My fear was that her irrational behavior would become ‘normal’ for me and I wouldn’t see the warning signs if she was starting to struggle again. My own therapy sessions keep me in check.

Image credits: anon

#22

Several lies were told at the beginning but there was always an explanation and a story for it. Previous divorce but didn’t spend much time with their kids. Caught several times still on dating apps but said they were just friends to keep in touch with. Never admitted to any faults of their own and all of the previous failed relationships were always the other person’s fault. Couldn’t keep the same group of friends. Very charismatic but couldn’t keep a story straight.

Image credits: randomracket

#23

My ex, when we first started going out, would have a little too much to drink every few months. She would say each time, as I was holding her over the toilet, “Never again.”

Well about 10 years later it was still happening. She ended up meeting some girlfriends that were​ all of the same well-lubricated frame of mind. Things got very messy after that and I felt that I was no longer an equal partner, but a babysitter. When that happens, there really is no way of coming back.

Image credits: CptLoken

#24

I will say that we weren’t married (I know I know the prompt). But I don’t see any comments yet. But my ex started acting different.

Once the first two years were over and things were thoroughly serious she just seemed to stop putting effort into seeing me. She was always busy and when this happens for a week its fine for a month and you start wondering if she’s making plans on purpose so that we don’t see each other.

So I’d say the red flag is when your loved one stops putting in the effort to continue dating and spending time with you.

Image credits: Slightly_On_Topic

#25

My wife is a COMPLETELY different person, now. When we married, she was an out of work single mom, now she is an accountant at NASA and a terrific stepmom to my son. When we got married, I was an out of work EMT, now I work for an insurance company, fixing swimming pools as a contractor and make about $65k/yr. People change. That’s just what happens. You can’t marry someone and expect them to be the same person Five or ten years later. Everyone has experiences and grows in different ways.

Image credits: alexmunse

#26

The way he handled anger. My family was direct with anger. They would say stuff to you, or yell it at you, but they were direct. Sometimes people would explode but at least it was expressed, out in the open, for all to hear and see.

My ex-husband and his family are all sneaky! It’s all passive-aggressive acting out of anger with them. So on the outside, OMG, they look so lovely! They are so well-mannered and peaceful on the outside. But when you get closer and get to know them, they will sabotage you in a million sneaky ways. They hurt people in sinister, back alley ways, while all the while looking lovely in public.

In contrast my family, and me, looked very uncouth; very uncultured and even impolite sometimes.

It took me a very long time, years, to realize how my ex-husband not only didn’t love or care about me, he probably secretly despised me. I knew he disliked my family, but I didn’t realize for years he disliked me too. Why did he stay with me? Because he’s very religious. He thought he should please God by staying married to a woman he didn’t love.

The thing is, as he tried to fake it for God, he didn’t fake it well enough to fool me. Eventually, very slowly, I figured out the truth and filed for divorce. Why did I put up with that? Because I didn’t know I deserved better – that all women deserve better.

One of the most frustrating things about him and his showcase family is that everyone who looks at him never sees the other side, so they all think I was crazy for leaving him, or I married him for his money. But when we married he was making $5 an hour and a few years later an impressive $500 a week. We were lower middle class for many years. I left him when he was making a decent income. That’s not what a woman who married for money would do.

Understandably, my long-term relationship with him and them has left me with a truckload of trust issues. His entire family has nothing to do with me. They never reached out during or after the divorce because they knew I’d probably tell them stuff about our marriage that their Perfect Ears could not stand to hear.

That hurt for many years, how they dumped me, but I’ve learned to accept that most everyone has a different perception of reality, sometimes based in FACTS, but often not. They live in their fantasy world and they don’t want an “interrupter” like me to blow into it with silly facts and truth.

I certainly have learned how to spot passive-aggressive people since that marriage and geez, there’s a ton of them – everywhere.

Image credits: anon

#27

Telling her girlfriends personal things about you. I don’t mean the size of your (insert whatever here), but the things you confided in her about, like childhood trauma or that you pick at your face.

Always comparing you to her successful friends or family members.

Questioning every decision you make. Every single one.

Shooting down every suggestion or decision, until one of her friends or family makes the SAME exact suggestion or decision.

Image credits: anon

#28

It started when she got pregnant. We discussed abortion, but decided against it. So, she essentially had me on the hook and she knew it. Slapping, kicking you name it. Any time she was unhappy about *anything* it was blamed on me and retribution was usually physical. Of course she blamed it on being pregnant.

She would call police and say it was me abusing her. I was never arrested, but it was still a hell of a hassle. Tip- don’t talk to police. Ever.

Our son was born and it didn’t stop, who knew? I’d almost argue it got worse. Finally one night she went too far. I made the grave mistake of making some food after our son was put to bed and scraped two plates together. She marched into the kitchen, punched me in the nose for being “too loud”, then called the police when I refused to leave. Cops came and arrested her (after laughing at me). She got a slap on the wrist; 6 months court supervision and anger management.

She admitted that she had a problem and begged for one more chance. I believe in redemption if one really wants it, so I stayed. Things got better! For about a year.

Then I came home early from work once and she was home also even though she was supposed to be at work. She seemed very nervous and then I found men’s deodorant and boxer briefs, both of which weren’t mine. I confronted her, she was caught, and she tried to get physical, then thought better of it.

I left and only returned to get my stuff.

Image credits: Left-field-bum

#29

Red flags are something you don’t pay attention to until it’s too late.

My ex husband had all the red flags of a sociopath. He would test to see how far he could go with making things up. And he learned what he could do to cover them up. He would use flowers or spend money on me to hide things he was doing. I learned what I was and wasn’t allowed to say in public (example- none of his friends knew he had a 12 year old child). I spent little time with friends and family because he would convince me that they weren’t supportive or make up things that I would believe because I trusted him. I left my career because he convinced me his pursuit was more important. Lots of things happened over the 10 years we were together. Most of them now I know were just lies to get him to where he wanted to be in life.

In the end, he had a 6 month affair. And the flags were all there. But after years of being manipulated I didn’t know what to believe. He managed to date her and then move to be with her on my dime by convincing me it had to do with his job. I even paid his rent for the first couple of months in hope he would come back. He manipulated everyone around him including his friends and even his boss. Now he is a person I don’t even recognize because he’s taken on the personality of his girlfriend. I feel bad for her because the same thing is happening to her but in a way I feel like she deserves it.

If you’re looking for an outline of what to look for I would say:
1- have you given up something you love for that person?
2- do gifts tend to arrive after something you weren’t quite sure was the truth?
3- do you feel like you’re begging the person to stay with you all the time?
4- do you find yourself above and beyond to please someone just for their affection?

Relationships should be relatively easy. Sure there will be fights and times where you aren’t sure. But if you’re giving up your values or your personality it’s time to go.

Image credits: divorced_sucker2013

#30

When I was dating my ex wife, I was so in love that everything was justified or forgivable. I overlooked things like family influence, pride, ignorance and zeal because to my smitten eyes it was just culture, tradition, ethics and virtue.

As our marriage progressed there was a lot of growth from both of us. I thought that the negative traits that hindered our relationship were dying. It’s what I wanted to believe.

When our son was born, all the issues of the past (controlling, distortion of facts, family interference) resurfaced.

My ex was religious when we met but always drew virtue from her faith. She questioned her peers and family constantly. I loved this in her. I was agnostic (and still am) and so our faith was no issue to anyone but her family and peers. As our marriage progressed, she started to question her teaching and found people can be moral without a fear of God.

When my son was born and I was laid off, it put a lot of strain on both of us. Like a switch, my lack of employment was a failure of my drive. My failure of a drive was due to my weakness of character. My faith (lack of) was the root of it. Her family did nothing to hinder this as her culture and faith were now in the forefront and 11 years of being together were disregarded.

My marriage failed. I’m still working through it. I still wouldn’t change a thing as I have a son whom I love dearly but had I followed reason instead of my love, I would have seen the warning signs for what they were.

I can’t change time and maybe this is for the best, but I will say this. Never comprise your character and realize that even though you know someone, things can change.

#31

Alcohol reduces inhibitions. Never marry them till you’ve seen ’em drunk. Then you know who they will be when they get tired of pretending. If they barely change, get giggly or tired, then they have no deep seated repressed desires. If they get mean, argumentative or are an entirely different person, be careful.

Image credits: Larryndallas

#32

He yelled at; and insulted, his mother and sisters. He was extremely rude to anyone in the service industry, saying things like “No wonder you work at KFC, you’re a moron!” Also the way he threw tantrums when he was upset, throwing things and punching holes in walls. He put down all my friends, eventually isolating me from everyone I knew.

He also had a wonderfully charismatic and caring side, helping little old ladies on to the bus, and walking through snow for several miles to find a store that sold my favourite candy, things like that.

As time passed, I became the wall that he punched, the thing that he threw around, and the one he insulted and screamed at. I barely made it out of that relationship alive.

I should have listened to my instincts.

Image credits: lunadaisy23

#33

While dating she told me she had once been hospitalized for depression. I didn’t think much about it. It definitely affected the marriage.

She seemed irrationally annoyed after an encounter with an evangelical saying how blessed they were. I don’t believe in god either, but that person seemed happy and wasn’t preaching at us.

She got annoyed when her mom tried to get her to look at wedding dresses together.
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My current GF expressed a little bit of resentment about how iOS’ emoticons: thumbs up, OK, anything that’s a person really, are available in different colors. She said it was too PC. She also went on a drunken tirade about how feminism is destroying everything the first night we met. Are these red flags?

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#34

Not married but live together. She’s angry, selfish, bipolar and annoying to boot. Not sure why I’m still hanging out. I live in fear of having a kid with her. She’s just like her mother just a bit crazier. Not sure how her dad has done it for 30 years, but I guess that’s why he travels a lot. Her brother in-law deals with the same thing. He’s told me to get out before it’s too late. I should really listen.

Image credits: anon

#35

She liked kissing women.

She’s married to one now. Call me Ross.

Image credits: thepollitt

#36

My wife is slowly turning into her mother. When we dated she was outgoing and happy, her mother is single and has never been married, very stubborn and headstrong. Looking back on the times we dated I never really paid much attention to the other women in her family until now. They are all single and either divorced or ran dudes off. Fast forward through 10 years of marriage and two kids, my wife is just like the other women in her life, lazy, overweight, stubborn and has no ideas how to treat a man but she wants to be treated as queen of the world for doing less than the bare minimum.

I don’t ask for much, she’s a pretty good mom but she is incredibly lazy which bothers the hell out of me. I know some will ask why stick around, well she went through a period of unemployment and debt has kicked our a*s pretty bad. I love both my kids to death and worry that my daughter will grow up to continue the cycle my wife has and honestly I’m so broke I can’t afford rent to move anyways. I’m pretty much stuck.

To anyone thinking about marrying their SO, check out their family first, that will tell you what you are in for. Guess I was really blinded by love. /Rant.

#37

She was all sweet and kind during dating, I thought she internalized a lot of things, but who was I to wonder, I used to be that way too. She worked a job that she hated and would always complain about, for about an hour after work I would listen to her complain, even on days she wasn’t there she’d go over situations in depth with me about the transgressions her co-workers perpetrated on other workers or their customers. It really bogged down our relationship with a lot of baggage, I kept trying to get her to leave the job, i found numerous other less stress jobs that paid the same that she could have done that she’d be happier in, but the idea of uncertainty was worse for her. It was the whole uncertainty thing that really did it, we rarely watched any movies she hadn’t already seen, whenever I suggested something new she would either go to sleep or just say to me “well you can watch it, I’m not interested.” She wasn’t interested in growing as a couple. But anyway I digress, what really ruined the relationship was that one day she comes home with an enema kit and wants to start putting coffee up my butt, the relationship ended that day.

#38

I was wrong to assume that the racist remarks weren’t serious. Rookie mistake.

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#39

One of my best friends told me about the morning waking up after their wedding night, all she wanted to do was count the gift money. He wrote a series of excellent divorce poems a couple years later.

Image credits: m1lgram

#40

Because some many people are commenting on messed up families I just wanted to remind everyone of the saying
“Blood is thicker than water.”

… but that isn’t the full saying.

“The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”
You make your family.

#41

He left the cabinet doors open. His clothes would be on the floor right next to the hamper. There was always “just one more thing” to do. I attributed this to just being a guy, because I was young and that’s what the stereotype told me.

Fast forward five years of marriage later. My husband cannot complete any task. Starts tons of things, but never finishes them. He will frequently make plans or tell our kids they’re going to do something (like a baseball game) but then never buys the tickets or calls the friend to finalize.

He now has no friends and his own children (who are toddlers) don’t trust him with basic things. I don’t either. I manage every aspect of our household. I am the breadwinner. I do most household activities and plan weekend outings.

This gets extremely frustrating when he complains I don’t plan enough things with his interests or I don’t do his laundry. You are an adult who is almost 40. Do your own laundry. Go out and make some friends and then, don’t flake on them.

#42

He put ketchup on his Mac n cheese.

Image credits: Dre_d0rk

#43

One of the most underrated predictors of spousal behavior is the parents. When we become ‘husband or wife’, we emulate our examples of what a husband or wife is. I was surprised when I started instinctually doing all the things my dad used to. My wife started doing all the things that drove me nuts about my mother-in-law.
I found that things got better when I started acting like my father-in-law. It’s weird, but it’s just how things work.

#44

My first wife had an identical twin. Do you want to be a third wheel the rest of your life? Marry a twin.

Image credits: texastrumpet

#45

Making our wedding plans was more stressful than fun. I saw that my fiance and mother didn’t get along that well. I figured once we were married that would all smooth out, but of course it never did. If your parents and fiance don’t get along, you’re going to have a lot of tough decisions down the road trying to straddle that fence.

#46

Your spouse isn’t going to magically change after marriage everything their doing that bothers you is still going to be the same and won’t be some magical start to a new life. So think long and hard before you get married because the person you see is the person you get.
No regrets. 10/10 would get married to her again in a heart beat!

#47

Simple answer, if *you* think it’s a red flag, it is. Ask about it. Tell the other person your thoughts/concerns.

The only real problems are ones you cannot/will not work on together.

#48

Some of us are delighted to discover that our spouses are even MORE wonderful than we bought after we married them :-).

#49

I would say this typically happens when you don’t actually get to know someone before riding the excitement of a new relationship and “love” into marriage. If you haven’t known someone for at least 18 months to 3 years, if you aren’t at least in your mid to late 20s, if you aren’t both relatively settled in your lifestyle and careers, and if you haven’t lived together then you’re at very high risk of learning new things about each other that might not be pleasant. Not only does your brain not fully develop until your mid 20s, significant life changes typically occur until your late 20s in reference to school and career paths. Plus, think about the way you present to a new person versus someone you’re actually comfortable with and how much you’re willing to adjust to work around collaborating on everything in your life versus how much you might just expect someone to change to fit your needs. I would highly recommend discussing every big, uncomfortable topic like religion, politics, kids, personal finances and debt, future aspirations, etc and at least make sure you can agree to disagree and then also seek out separate therapy as well as couples counseling as needed. People don’t take the commitment and challenge of marriage nearly serious enough and then just blame the other person when it doesn’t work out.

#50

She’d always be dressing up and spends hours just throwing clothes on and off and in the bathroom getting ready, always making us late no matter how important it was to show up in time. She said she wanted to look good for me. Now I know it’s was always for herself and just trying to keep up with the Joneses.

What really sucks is now we have 3 little ones and all this time she’s spending in the bathroom takes a toll on dad watching them alone. Which in turn makes my daughter late for gymnastics. All this time I keep telling her she looks beautiful in jeans and a sweatshirt!

#51

I guess it’s really no one’s fault. As a poor cook/chef and her moving from another country we got an apartment we could afford and didn’t have a microwave, no big deal for me as I cooked a lot.

It wasn’t until years later that we were married and moved into a very nice place that it happened. She had been up late and I woke up first thing in the morning. I went to the kitchen to start tea/coffee/breakfast and there it was, right in front of me. The microwave was sitting at 0:01 seconds because she never hit stop/clear. I married a monster.

#52

I suspected my wife was Asian while we were dating. Red flags such as speaking Vietnamese to her family, who also talk and look like her. An affinity for rice and an inability to drive. But it wasn’t until a few years later when we had a kid, and the kid was Asian too that I really knew. She finally came clean as Vietnamese, and now…. Well, she’s still Vietnamese and I just don’t know what to do. We’re madly in love and she’s wonderful. I just wish she’d told me from the start instead of all the lying and sneaking around.

#53

I realized she is way more amazing than I thought. Red flags: worked (still does) with special needs kids, disliked party scene and my crazy friends (not all, just the crazy ones), and she took care of herself.

#54

Why? Turns out that when you date a undiagnosed Aspie, and you stop being his special interest because he’s put you into a different roll in his life or you’ve had children, he changes drastically.

Red flags? A couple. But the quirky behaviors were no different from my own, really, and I’m neurotypical.

It’s okay though. We made it through. He went to a therapist. Got the diagnosis. We changed some expectations and made some boundaries. Life is much better.

#55

I don’t know if there were red flags until after we got married but after we got married, he became addicted to video games, irresponsible to the max, and really lazy. It’s been a struggle…

#56

He had a lot of friends who drank too much and had slept with a bunch of the girls.

#57

Yes, there are always signs. People don’t really change that much.
In the dating phase, and that’s if you’re aware, you’ll say to yourself: “mmm, that’s not that bad,” “I can put up with that…”
Either that or you’re altogether blinded by the new love and blind-sided later.
In my case, it was just that she was slow. In decision making. From the big life decision to the simplest, what do you want from the menu. Not so bad in the beginning, but it accumulates and becomes unbearable.
Advice: only marry who you totally like – right now. Not if they do this or if they did that. Accept them as they are – fully. Anything else is unfair.
Or even better, and I’m serious: don’t get married!

#58

My wife is the kindest and most loving person I’ve ever met and I love her so much. I am so lucky to have her.

#59

That he didn’t just like to drink, he was a full blown alcoholic. He was good at hiding that when we were just dating. Didn’t realize that until a few months into our marriage and he’s not coming home until 6 am because he’d drink to the point of passing out about five times a week. He’s nearly a year sober now. So good for him. Wish it hadn’t taken two dui’s to get him to admit he had a problem, but so it goes.

Another thing would be his temper. While he never kept from me that he’s had anger issues in the past, I thought the extent of it was what I had already seen. (Like him threatening a guy who owed him money and making me sit next to him while he did it)
Oh no. I’ve never seen someone get angry so fast over something so small. The good thing is, is that he’ll get over it quickly.

#60

On the flip side I have an ex who thinks this is what happened. That I just changed. But that’s not what happened at all. He just can’t bring himself to think he’s done anything, ever. I missed the signs when he could never say sorry about anything because he considered it admitting blame. He’d even mentioned to me about not saying sorry all the time – even when it was out of courtesy and manners and not admitting blame.

#61

My ex had an awful Mom growing up and when that happens you either repeat those mistakes she made or become the best Mom in the world. She is an awesome Mom but once she became a Mom I became someone she took for granted and I was NEVER treated as an equal to my kids. To her I was only there for the income and EVERYTHING we did revolved around the kids and we stopped “dating”. We were not a husband and wife. So my huge takeaway from this is to never stop dating your spouse. Never get away from what brought you together in the first place.

#62

Your spouse did not become a different person. You simply did not know your spouse when you got married, and it is more likely that they did not know themselves at the time as well.

#63

One common red flag most dismiss as normal relationship behaviour is when your SO gets annoyed or mad at little things constantly, looking for any excuse to be argumentative or call you out on your mannerisms. That leads to resentment and always being on edge.

Thankfully I’m not in that anymore.

#64

Red flags included talking around subjects without answering questions. He could sweet talk anyone. He moved fast. Moved in within 3 months, married in 6. Empty promises, seeing the biggest house he wants to buy for us, found the best ring for engagement, best schools for our future kids to go to, planning the most amazing get away for us to go on. Really sold the dream.

Turns out he is over his head in debt, unable to follow through with anything and only motivated when he feels he will lose something.

#65

If your SO ever says, “I’m not good for you, you should dump me”, run.

#66

Her family and proximity to them was something I thought I could change. She doubled down on it when we moved only 45 minutes away. We’re now divorced and she can stay in her small town and have her country song life while I expand my horizons and try new things.

To each their own, but if you’re going to get married, you better make sure that whatever is theirs you are willing to be a part of.

#67

My mom always said that my dad turned into someone completely different after they were married, but the stories she tells me about while they were dating seemed like a lot of red flags to me. People see what they want to see sometimes.

#68

It’s painful to admit that this actually has to be said: if she cheats WITH you, she will cheat ON you.

#69

My situation was the opposite. He expected me to become a different person and start being Suzy Homemaker even though I earned more than he did and had never been the kind of person who cooks and scrubs and so on. I order delivery and have a cleaning lady twice a month because I work long hours and can afford it. He knew that and yet somehow thought I was going to be the 50s-style mom/wife he never had. Sorry dude.

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