When you’re in a committed relationship for years and years, it can seem completely impossible that it might someday end. But people change. Trust gets broken. Priorities shift. Folks fall out of love. And then you find yourself on the verge of breaking everything off.

Redditor u/Upstairs-Fox917 started a candid online discussion after asking the members of the r/AskWomen community to open up about why their long-term relationships came to an end. Their stories are raw and powerful, and they show you just how tough loving someone can be. Scroll down to read why these relationships fell apart.

#1

I finally loved myself more than I loved him and stood up for myself.

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#2

He cheated on me with the woman he spent years telling me I wouldn’t need to worry about. At first she lived 3k miles from us. She was was his ex but he referred to her as his best friend. They really were just friends I think for the first 6 years of us dating, but then she needed help moving out of her “abusive boyfriends” place, so he convinced me to move to Alaska and get a place with the 3 of us (which turned into 5 with her sister and another of her friends).

They ended up taking an extra bedroom of the house for their “office” and spent a lot of time behind a closed door and I gave them privacy because I trusted him. (Yeah I know I’m stupid. But she was a full time student and he worked from home and there wasn’t other space for their desks so it made sense to me).

A year later, he cheated on me with her while they were both on a trip to visit another friend together. I’m not positive anything physical happened before that trip but I think that he’d been thinking about it a lot by that point. I broke up with him but was still living in the house and could hear them giggling and having sex in her bedroom every night. I ended up staying with friends for 5 weeks until I could afford the deposit on a new place.

Probably worst experience I’ve ever had. I still get nightmares of hearing the person I thought loved me having sex with someone openly in the other room. Surreal trauma I’ve gotten from it.

Oh, and they’ve since split up and she’s now back with the “abusive ex” we moved here to save her from in the first place. So that’s great. ?.

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#3

My brain fully developed.

Image credits: the2-2homerun

The reasons behind relationships turning sour are going to be very personal. After all, nobody’s in the exact same situation as you and your partner. However, there are some general trends as to why relationships fail.

Verywell Mind points out that the main issue, at its very core, has to do with a loss of trust. “One of the foundational feelings necessary in a good relationship is a feeling of security. If you lack emotional support or find your partner unreliable, you might lose trust,” Barbara Field explains, adding that relationships that are built on mistrust aren’t likely to last long or be healthy.

#4

He cheated with me with a girl me met playing an online video game. That really opened my eyes to how he’d been treating me for years.

He wanted to get back together. I got a lawyer and we got divorced. I don’t see it as 8.5 years down the drain though – I learned a lot with him and a lot because of him. I’d never wish to go through that experience again though.

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#5

I stopped loving him. It really was that simple.

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#6

My dad died and a year later his mom died, shortly after that, our relationship died.

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Among the behaviors that are going to harm any romantic relationship, you’ll find lying, being overly possessive, jealousy, and cheating. What’s more, ideally, you want a partner who’s good at communicating with you on a variety of topics. The conversations you have can’t be just about work, chores, meal prep, and childcare.

Somewhat ironically, arguing might not be such a bad thing. Working through conflict, looking for common ground, and coming to a compromise are the cornerstones of any successful relationship. However, when couples say that they never argue, it might mean that they avoid conflict at all costs. That means that they’ll steer clear of discussing genuinely serious issues. That, in turn, can lead to a build-up of frustration.

#7

I wanted to get married. He kept dangling the carrot. I would meet a goalposts and he would set another one. 5 and a half years into it … his parents came from China to visit. They didn’t speak a bit of English and took over the house for a month. It was so stressful. Two months after they get back to China I get an email saying that I was not a good fit for their son and we were not allowed to continue our relationship and he would not be allowed to marry me and we should not waste any more time on each other. I collapse on the floor crying. He comes over and says he’ll talk to them.
Weeks go by and he hasn’t. I bring it up and he says he doesn’t know what he’s supposed to say. And we argue. Two month later he broke up with me. I had nothing and nowhere to go because we weren’t married. 6 years together and I was 35…it was awful. I was so stupid to keep trying. If a man wants to marry you he will. That’s all I learned.

Jokes on his parents tho. He’s still single 6 years later.

Image credits: rayvin4000

#8

He said I didn’t ski as hard as the other girl he had been flirting with after he moved out to a new state a few months ahead of me. Luckily he broke it off before I moved. Looking back I realized he had kind of used me like a doll that had to be perfect at every sport, sexy and beautiful to crazy standards, and other weird expectations so that he could get validation from other men while he nit picked and belittled me at home over every little thing (told me I didn’t take my socks off right at one point). I was devastated by the breakup, but looking back I am amazed that I ever gave someone that much power to make me feel small. I loved him immensely, but I never could have loved myself in that relationship and I’m proud of the ways I have grown since then.

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#9

He didn’t want to change. He walked all over my boundaries. Refused to hang out with family. And never wanted to talk about issues with the relationship. I stayed too long with someone who didn’t want to work together on anything. And I finally ended it when I was questioning why I was even with him still.

Image credits: DividiaStorm

Couples are also going to have a rough time if they don’t respect each other, have different life goals and priorities, and aren’t intimate enough with each other.

This doesn’t mean just emotional vulnerability (very vital!) but also physical intimacy. Sex is essential and helps improve a person’s emotional, psychological, and physical well-being. Some people find it very hard to communicate about their sexual needs and wants, which leads to lots of tension and frustration.

However, nobody’s a mind-reader: if there’s something you think your relationship lacks, you need to have those (initially awkward) conversations with your partner.

You should feel comfortable enough to open up to them, just as they should be able to be frank with you. You’re supposed to be on the same team after all.

#10

We moved in together after 4 years and he suddenly forgot how to do literally any chore. Even a 5 year old would have a better sense of responsibility. He was willing to do chores for his mom all the time but not for me. I tried to talk about it and find solutions for a year, then I happened to meet someone who made me realise I deserved better. So I left, and I don’t have any regrets.

Image credits: nonsignifierenon

#11

He postponed our wedding 3 weeks before the date. We were planning on rescheduling for a later date. We were starting IVF at the time after an infertility battle. The night before we were to start, I looked him in the eye and asked him: is this what you want? You’re sure? We’re in this together?

He looked me back, held my face in his hands, and said: “there’s no one else I’d rather do life with. Thank you for being so patient and for loving me. I’m all in.”

The next morning he woke up and told me he couldn’t do any of it, ever. Not the IVF, not a future wedding. Said he had been stringing me along because he knew I was the most loving person he’d ever met and because he knew how much I loved him.

Afterwards I realized that my engagement ring was a fake and he had actually bought a house 5 years into our 7 year relationship (he lived in my house).

That was one year ago today. It’s taken some time but I now I realize that the sack of s**t did me a huge favour.

The best part? He was a physician and I supported him through the most gruelling part of his training. So, smart doesn’t always equal good.

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#12

I always felt lonely with him in my life. It was hard to leave because he’s the father of my child. He was lazy, not motivated. I was making more money (not a big deal if other things were equal), pretty much single mom in a relationship, cleaned, cooked, took care of bills, etc. I was practically single taking care of a man child. He threatened me that if I ever left, he wouldn’t bothered with our child anymore. At first I was worried for my child’s sake, so I stayed a few more years, then I said nothing is worth this prison in my own home. So I left. He blocked me, hasn’t reached out to his son. It’s been 5+ years since we heard from him, but we are both thriving and living our best lives, and traveling the world together.

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What is the longest relationship you’ve been in/are still in, dear Pandas? Have you ever broken up with someone that you’ve been dating for years and years? What do you think is the secret to a healthy long-term relationship? What do you do if you find that your needs aren’t being met?

We’d love to hear your thoughts on this. Scroll down to the comments to share your opinions and experiences.

#13

We had different aspirations. His only dreams were professional, he had no plans for us as a couple – he didn’t want kids, didn’t want to travel, to move, to build something the two of us. When I asked if he saw his future differently with me or without me, he said no.
So I realized that staying together would mean me having to sacrifice on things I didn’t want to sacrifice on. So I left. I have no regrets.

Image credits: Yource

#14

Never, EVER made me or us a priority, even though I moved states to be with him. Emotionally crippled due to family issues that he was not working on, so he couldn’t give anything to me. I just always felt bad around him. One day, after the millionth time of him ignoring me at a family hangout- around the people he truly prioritized over me- we came home and I simply said, I can’t do this anymore. He moved out within a few hours.

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#15

This isn’t my story but a close friend of mine. She was in a 6 year relationship with a man who was verbally, physically and financially abusive.

When the pandy hit and they were confined to each other pretty much 24/7 she decided to call it quits. I recall her saying that when she no longer had a place to escape to (work) she could no share a space with him. She even got physically sick from the stress of being with him. She sent her daughter to live with her mom and when her boyfriend went on a weekend trip she packed up all her stuff and left. The crazy thing is, he never reached out to see where she went, if she was safe or anything.

#16

We got in a usual argument about him not meeting some of my needs in feeling loved. At one point he said “why don’t you just date someone else? I feel like you’d be happier” it stuck with me for a few weeks & finally I said f**k it & broke up with him. He was shocked for some reason lol. Pleaded to get back together for the next year or so. I later found out that he had been cheating on me pretty much the whole relationship. I wasn’t perfect & I think I put a lot of pressure on him to fill a void in myself that’s ultimately my job. Some of the stuff that I found on his phone post breakup has scarred me for years after. Still trying to do the work to be what I need for myself & not be so dependent on others.

Image credits: pat_batemans_lover

#17

He tried to get me to buy into his religion when that hadn’t been an issue before. Part of it began when he didn’t want me to be allowed to grieve a very dear loss because on his spiritual path suffering is optional and when it happens it’s exclusively beautiful and transformative and you can’t even act like it’s difficult and ugly. I wasn’t allowed to express myself, was chastized and run over with religious nonsense when I was.

I’m pretty stoic outwardly. I wasn’t even crying or whining (though with this kind of grief I would have been well within “normal” to do so). I just was being more quiet, more contemplative, and not smiling as much. I’ve never been a heavy smiler to begin with so it wasn’t a change of character for me.

He didn’t let up for years with the religious stuff, long after I processed my grief. And then he tried to downplay something awful he did to me right when we started the relationship. Oh and wanted me to support a pyramid scheme.

#18

He couldn’t establish boundaries with his mom thus I didn’t want to marry into his family.

#19

He was never going to be happy living in America and I was never going to be happy leaving.

#20

He physically cheated on me and I stayed for another 4 years because I believed the whole “he didn’t *mean it*” gaslighting treatment. Our communication skills sucked, so I demanded “couples therapy or I’m out” and we did couples counseling for a year, but there were very limited changes in his behavior. Too little, too late kinda vibes.

So I emotionally cheated on him and when he saw me with the guy he called me every name under the sun, which I expected. At our final couples counseling session (the week I was moving out), I explained that he broke my trust 4 years prior and I tried to trust him again but I just couldn’t. I should’ve ended it when he cheated instead of holding onto hope for “our future together”. I explained that the guy he saw me with was a good friend of 10+ years and that he was my mom’s healthcare provider, our friendship has always been platonic, and he had also been in an emotionally abusive relationship so he was helping me process the levels of fuckedupness that my ex was putting me through.

I’m completely NC with my ex, I still text his mom on her birthday (and she on mine). I’m still close friends with the guy I emotionally cheated with and no, nothing sexual has ever happened in our friendship other than the occasional “that’s what she said” joke.

TLDR; our relationship was dying a slow death and I sped it up.

#21

He was 28, cheated on me, and got her pregnant. She was 17…

#22

We were incompatible in so many ways. When he went into hospital I spent my free time after my two jobs to visit him, then the hospital released him early and I had to take 4 days off to help him learn to walk again after bowel surgery. I cleaned the house every day after him and his friend who lived with us. When I got sick for 3 days with norovirus he complained constantly that he had to quarantine our room while I was sick, that the house was messy, dishes in the sink etc. Again, I did all that stuff and worked 2 jobs. In the bedroom I would constantly have to fluff him if we changed positions. It was just not fun. I ended up cheating with someone I barely knew. Not proud of it, can’t say why I didn’t just leave.

When I did leave I found out he and a different friend of his were tag-team banging his best friend’s gf. Not sure if he was doing it while we were together but it’s not my place to look down on him for cheating. All in all the relationship was a dumpster fire and we would have been better friends than partners.

#23

A number of reasons.

We met when I was 18 and I think I always knew I wouldn’t end up with the first guy I dated forever. I originally met him before I went on a post-high school traveling work experience gig, and so I intended for it to be a summer fling before I took off. But he insisted we try long distance and I had no real reason to end things. By the time I got back, things had felt serious over many phone calls.

At four years into the relationship, I proposed to him and he said no, that he wasn’t ready for marriage. I stupidly kept the relationship going for two more years after that, and periodically mentioned marriage to see if he was ready for the next step. After two years, he admitted he *never* wanted to get married, even though I had talked about wanting to get married one day ever since we decided to be a couple.

Still, I thought maybe marriage didn’t matter that much to me, and I could salvage this (it did matter – it’s amazing the lies we tell ourselves to avoid conflict). Throughout our entire relationship, my ex had mentioned an open relationship as something he’d like to try. He disguised it as wanting *me* to have experiences, since I hadn’t been with anyone besides him. Some months after the marriage debacle, I agreed to explore the open relationship, knowing deep down that there was something we needed to change about our relationship that felt stagnant to me. It was the wrong change, but I was somehow convinced it was a good idea. We talked extensively about our boundaries and rules, and I thought we did everything we could to prevent a conflict. After 6 months of letting him sleep with a few different women, I made a connection with another man where I felt comfortable enough approaching intimacy. The minute I crawled into bed with the other man, my ex became insanely jealous. Turns out, he just wanted the freedom of an open relationship for himself, but couldn’t actually handle me being with anyone else.

There are a myriad of other reasons I should have left sooner. He couldn’t hold down a job. He didn’t drive, so all errands were left up to me even when he was out of work. He was physically unfit, so even snow shoveling didn’t get done unless I did it. Etc. But the marriage issue and open relationship moment were a ticking time bomb that ultimately let me see I deserved happiness with someone else.

#24

He became religious.

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#25

I cheated.

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#26

She didn’t really love me, I was being abused and I didn’t realize.

#27

We just stopped to love each other. But we are still friends. I’m married now and he’s gonna get married soon too. We’ll even attend the wedding with my husband. He’s a great person and I’m thankful and happy for the time we had together.

#28

He died due to a brain tumor. It’s been 6 years but I still can’t move on. He still occasionally visits me in my dreams and I’m thinking about him from time to time. I’m always thinking that it’s much better if we separate ways like he cheats on me or we’re not happy anymore and I will hear he has his own family. I am barely surviving and it sucks to be here, sometimes.

#29

I finally realized he was never going to change. Prior to that, I always believed him when he promised he would. Eventually I just had to give up.

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#30

He found someone he liked better.

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#31

I spent a month away and realized that life was better without him.

#32

Depends on which relationship.

* Together for approx 11 years; married for around 7-8 years when divorced: It was over. We had grown and changed as people, and the context and situations that brought us together were no longer present once we left our hometown and moved away. We were fairly compatible *if only considering the people who grew up in our home county as options* but once we left that pressure cooker of expectations and obligations, we each blossomed into who we wanted to be without those constraints and those people weren’t compatible any longer.
* Together for a little more than 5 years; engaged but legal marriage was not an option for multiple reasons: She decided that she was going to make my choices about my life for me and tried to actively manipulate me into following her choices by lying and recruiting others to pressure me. When I set boundaries about it, she became coercive, so the relationship ended.

#33

He cheated on me with a coworker. We were high school sweethearts and he was in the navy. He deployed on a destroyer and was at sea 90% of the time. I saw him two weeks every 6 months. At first, he just started hanging out with friends and they would invite her. I was fine with that and encouraged it. Then it turned into just the two of them hanging out. I told him I wasn’t comfortable with that. He agreed but continued to do it. We were less than a year from being married. I had my wedding dress, the venue booked, and the photographer booked. He moved in with her a month later.

#34

He cheated with a girl he met on Reddit (they’re married now lol).

#35

I wanted to explore the single life and was more and more attracted to other men. My ex was my first love and we were together for 7 years. Turns out the single life wasn‘t for me and half a year later I got to know my current boyfriend (even though I didn‘t want a relationship for a long time). Still struggling with the loss of him as he was my best friend and still ,,processing“ the end of the relationship.

#36

I fell out of love with him when I realised he no longer added any value to my life.

Much happier now ❤️.

#37

Together almost 6 years. He started to get stressed out with finances and resented the fact that my career was taking off and I was getting attention. He got violent, sexually assaulted me a few times, and used to block me in my room so he could scream at me for hours. I made an exit plan and waited until he was out of town to leave.

#38

Mental health and we started to grow apart. I wanted more from life and he was comfortable without change. Now his doing all these changes that I so it’s silly.

#39

I realized I was staying because I was comfortable, not because I was truly happy.

#40

I finally got the courage to actually be alone, even though it wasn’t much of a difference since he wasn’t really there for me. Was very scary. He desperately needed to grow, and so did I.

#41

He wouldn’t put a ring on it but I’m cool with it now.

Image credits: Dancingmermaid8

#42

We grew apart and I realized I felt like I had a roommate more than a partner. We also had some major differing views on politics. That definitely didn’t help.

#43

I realized he would never prioritize me ahead of his addiction.

#44

I got sober and he didn’t.

#45

Together, since we were 19, we had a deeply committed relationship from the start. I had to move, he didn’t come with me, eventually he did, but only for a year. When i was stationed somewhere else, we spent 4 years driving up and back for him to keep his original job. He had all his certifications, was a high-level guy in his company, and had worked remotely for the year we lived together. I guess im saying that nothing was in the way of him getting a similar job in my location. We were married after 6 years, he promised it would be the start of our life actually together. After 6 months, he was still working 7 hours away. I got blackout drunk, and questionable things happened to me, I considered it cheating. He didn’t care. I asked to separate, and his response was, “Okay then.” He didn’t care.

#46

It started ending because he changed his mind about having kids. The door firmly shut when it turned out he was seeing someone behind my back.

#47

He wanted to live polyamorously, I did not.

#48

We were together for 11 years and I thought it was like a perfect relationship. I actually had strangers say what a great couple we seemed like multiple times in public, my sister said her goal was to find a relationship like mine, but it all crumbled suddenly when I got an email from one of his 20-50 women that he cheated on me with, who had done investigation on him and detailed how he lied to me and cheated on me, and essentially lived a double life for the entire relationship.

#49

He was an abusive piece of s**t who hadn’t worked in over a year because he was faking a back injury. I was the sole breadwinner and he gave me zero freedoms and while also spending every second of the day spending my money and playing video games. He raped me in my sleep the entirety of our relationship and gaslit me any time I confronted him. I also discovered he was a pedophile. When I told him we were done he tried to get me evicted and then posted my nudes to the internet. I reached out to his family and they cussed me out and told me o deserved it.
Now he’s with a girl 6 years younger than him and working as a Masseuse probably doing the same disgusting, horrific s**t. Good f*****g riddance and I hope he rots in hell. And if he somehow reads this comment then f**k you, you’re a snake and I’m glad your mom died you absolutely worthless excuse for a human being. I just wish I had told her what a monster you were before she bit the dust.

#50

We just outgrew each other.

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