Having a healthy romantic relationship is a lot of hard work! It’s not something that simply turns out well if you ignore it. You constantly have to put in the effort to make it flourish. Without effort, it’s slowly going to wither. Spouses who disrespect and avoid each other, don’t show interest in one another, and have poor conflict resolution are at risk of getting divorced.

The r/AskReddit community, inspired by one internet user, revealed some of the subtle and overt signs that someone’s marriage is on the rocks. We’ve collected their top red flags to share with you. Scroll down to see what behavior should be cause for concern.

Bored Panda reached out to the author of the thread, redditor u/AnitaDickenme123. They were kind enough to share their thoughts about the importance of trust and respect, as well as how to communicate about problems in long-lasting relationships. You’ll find our full interview with them as you read on.

#1

When my husband died, some friends admitted that they were a little jealous.

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#2

They’re just always in a bad mood when they’re around their spouse. This was the case with my best friend. I had only ever known her after she met her spouse, and she was always so low energy, easily irritated, and generally unhappy, mostly around him. It was so much a part of their dynamic that I (shamefully) assumed thats who she was. After a nasty split, she’s become so much happier, lighter, and more herself. She started telling me about all the emotional abuse (and borderline physical abuse) after he was gone. I’m very happy and proud of her for getting out of it.

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#3

Never wants to go home, doesn’t like bringing their spouse as plus one, speaking poorly of spouse, future plans sound more “I” than “We”, and lack of excitement around the holidays

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The fact of the matter is that even people in happy long-term relationships argue from time to time. The difference is how they do it. Confrontation isn’t something that you should shy away from, so long as you do it in a healthy, respectful way. For one, you should go into arguments with a clear goal, all the while remembering that you and your partner are a team.

Your aim shouldn’t be to ‘attack’ your partner for whatever behavior you dislike. Nor should you try to show them how they’re incredibly wrong while you’re totally in the right. You should strive to explain to them how their behavior makes you feel and then propose a compromise moving forward. What you should definitely not do is bring up everything that they’ve done wrong in the past.

Meanwhile, it’s also important to actively listen to their take on things. You really can’t understate the importance of having someone know that they’re heard and their opinion is respected.

#4

If they’re plastering social media with how HAPPY they are, and they’re SO IN LOVE, and THEY’RE GOING TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER, that’s a sure sign that things are in the process of going sideways.

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#5

I promise, when you learn this, you’ll see it *everywhere* and you’ll realize how f****d up most people in relationships are.

Contempt. The one thing to look for in bad relationships is contempt. This comes from Malcom Gladwell’s *blink*, where he talks about Dr. John Gottman’s work on relationships and marriage. I’m not going to say much on these two gentlemen’s qualifications, as I can’t really speak to them, but I can tell you that the takeaway has impacted my perspective and experience profoundly.

Gottman came to believe there are 4 horsemen of the apocalypse when it comes to marriage: criticism, stonewalling, defensiveness, and contempt- and contempt is the most powerful one.

Contempt means more than just being annoyed with someone. It’s deeper than disrespect. It is complete disregard to the level of disgust for the others attempt to be.

Contempt means you feel yourself superior to your partner and feel no obligation to care about them.

You’ll see it in these examples: a wife who won’t let her husband care for the children. A husband who insults his wife’s housework while redoing it. An eye roll behind their back. Passive aggression. Sarcasm. Jokes at their expense.

Gottman’s research indicates that contempt can predict divorce with about 90% accuracy. This jibes with my experience.

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#6

An occasional joke at their expense is one thing. My wife and I do it but you could really insert anyone’s name in the joke. But when they criticize their SO for the same, personal thing nonstop it starts to get telling. Like constantly telling everyone your wife is a s****y cook.

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Boundaries are essential for all relationships, whether they’re romantic, familial, work-related, or anything else. Without them, you might end up putting your personal emotional needs on the back burner. 

‘Verywell Mind’ stresses the fact that boundaries are akin to setting clear expectations. And clarity makes life far easier for everyone involved. Some simple examples of healthy boundaries include respecting each other enough to not yell during arguments or giving each other some space and private time.

After all, even people in relationships are still individuals with their own passions and dreams. Just because someone wants to go on a solo hike in the woods or to play ping-pong with their college buddies does not mean that they don’t love you.

#7

Lesser known symptom: working long hours habitually. I knew a guy that wasted tons of time in the office, but worked every night until 7:00 or 8:00 because he clearly hated his wife and daughters. Also works for people who spend all their time volunteering to get out of the house. They always complain about how busy they are, but they have no problem talking to you while working.

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#8

Ummm, his wife came into the office one day and he introduced her to me as “his future ex-wife” with a sly smile.

Yeah, they’re divorced now.

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#9

The continually complain about their spouse in front of others. Or disparage them.

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As ‘Brides’ points out, if you feel contempt for your partner or if they make you feel bad about yourself, clearly, something has gone very wrong. It’s vital to see your partner in a nuanced way and to recognize their strengths, even if they have plenty of weaknesses that bug you.

“Couples that show contempt for one another consistently have a low likelihood of successfully repairing their relationship, unless they can begin to recognize it and change the pattern,” marriage therapist Virginia Williamson explains.

#10

Just… bickering. Passive aggressive little digs and being generally annoyed with one another.

It is WEIRD to me that so many couples I know just kinda pick at each other constantly. They just don’t seem to enjoy each other’s company at all.

Edit: there’s a difference between bickering and banter and a lot of the replies are missing that. I’m not talking about playful banter and s**t talking.

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#11

Sleeping on the couch. I slept on the couch for a year because of insomnia.. got a divorce and my insomnia went away within what seems like days.

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#12

They’re constantly making snide remarks about their spouse and then saying “it’s just a joke!”

Edit to add: I’m not talking about easy going picking on your spouse, I mean very mean clearly sensitive subject type of remarks.

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The author of the thread revealed to Bored Panda that they know several couples in real life who constantly post how wonderful their spouses are, online. However, around the OP, they constantly bicker.

“I wanted to know if other people considered excessive posts praising a spouse to be sus/a sign of concealing an unhappy marriage too, and I was satisfied with the feedback. Glad I’m not the only one skeptical of people overcompensating on social media,” u/AnitaDickenme123 opened up to us why turned to the r/AskReddit community in the first place.

In the redditor’s opinion, other internet users enjoyed the topic because it gave them the opportunity to vent and joke about their experiences with unhappy relationships. “I enjoyed reading their input,” the author said.

#13

When the spouse doesn’t respect the other spouse

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#14

When they advise their single friends to stay single.

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#15

My ex was so fake when we went anywhere involving other couples. But as soon as the car door closed to leave, the witch returned. My friends saw through her. She was torture.

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We were curious to get the OP’s thoughts on the signs of a healthy romantic relationship. From their perspective, two things are vital here: respect and trust.

“I think trust is the most important aspect of a relationship. Trust is hard to gain and easy to lose in an instant. Trust means you aren’t blowing up your partner’s phone when they go out with friends, you don’t feel the need to track their location, go through their phone, or be with them 24/7. They can still be their own person AND your partner,” u/AnitaDickenme123 said. 

Another important factor in healthy relationships is companionship “where you can clearly see two people getting along and truly enjoying each other’s company.” However, the OP noted that couples need to steer clear of codependence and control. 

#16

When one of them is out and their spouse does *not* stop calling them.

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#17

When they don’t care what the other person is doing or where they are . Basically, two people who live separate lives and live like roommates.

#18

They flirt a lot. A lot of unhappily married people I know are quick to flirt with anyone who seems interested because they want to feel that spark again.

Image credits: FlatulentDwarf

Bored Panda also asked the author of the thread for their personal thoughts on how people can broach uncomfortable topics about their partner’s behavior which they dislike. Proper communication takes the front stage here.

“My advice for people wanting to let their partner know something about the relationship is bothering them would be to communicate effectively. Unfortunately, effective communication is a skill that a lot of people lack. But I would advise them to sit down together, calmly approach the issue, and let them explain why the behavior hurt them and find a solution to the issue.”

According to the OP, mutual respect should be expected in any healthy relationship. Simply put, if you care about someone, you should respect them.

“Avoid making passive-aggressive jabs or demeaning and insulting comments to your partner. That just hurts feelings, causes people to shut down, and causes them to be defensive. You will know your relationship is healthy if your partner respects the fact that some action they did hurt you and agrees to work towards finding a solution that is satisfactory to you both.”

#19

In my experience, going out with my old homie that was married, I could ever post us out at the bar or anything. If his wife saw it she’d blow her top apparently. We went out for my 23rd a couple years ago and merely his elbow was in the video of me sipping on whatever drink I had, in a panic, he urged that I delete it before his wife seen it for whatever reason. They’re divorced now.

#20

When you avoid or feel guilty talking about how happy you are or about the nice/thoughtful things that your partner does because you know your friend can’t relate.

#21

I got married young and a lot of older guys gave me s**t for it, like they resented their wives for settling down too soon. It upsets me when men talk s**t about their wives. If you hate your wife then leave she’s probably better off without you.

My wife is my best friend. 7 years later and our relationship only grows stronger over time. If you love someone and they love you back be grateful for that and show it!

#22

My husbands best friend literally is room mates with his “wife” they are legally married. She doesn’t cook, clean, or take care of the kids, she is never home, and she won’t touch her husband at all not even a peck on the cheek. Most of the time when I talk to him I feel so bad for him. When we talk on video chat with him it’s just you can see his pain. He won’t get a divorce because he knows she would try to take the kids to get child support. It’s bad… I feel horrible for them.

#23

Never saying their partner’s name to others, only calling them “my wife/husband/partner.”
Using another person for emotional fulfillment.
Cheating publicly in a subconscious effort to get caught.
Having lengthy phone arguments with their partner while at work.
Frequently not showing up to work/taking numerous lengthy breaks at work every day.
Refusing to leave their partner because of the fallout that would come with it.

#24

Gonna out myself here: they tell you what they are hiding from their spouse.

For me, it was a vape pen. I kept it in the mailbox.

#25

If they suddenly seem really down on themselves or stop taking care of themselves for seemingly no reason,
If their outlook on relationships and/or marriage had changed since getting married,
If they have nothing good to say about their partner or just don’t talk about them,

The list goes on

#26

They never communicate, even over the simplest things. Feelings, plans, thoughts, life needs etc…

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#27

They always have guests, which obscures how little they talk to each other.

#28

Look at their face when they get a cell phone call and see that it’s from their spouse. Tells you everything.

Image credits: No-Conclusion8653

#29

For me, the big sign that things had fully unraveled in my marriage when I would go out with friends and I would get absolutely obliterated drunk. I’d have so much fun being with my friends and not currently coping with my god awful marriage that I’d just go overboard and get totally wrecked.

So glad those days and that life is behind me

Image credits: AmbientAltitude

#30

Never wants to go home

#31

I used to be the dude. We were having issues and was complaining to a colleague (single dude) . He lost his patience one day and said – “dude, I don’t want to hear you complaining about your wife”. Was a wake up call for me. I didn’t even realize how annoying I was. Never again.

#32

They are withdrawn or secretive. If your friend is suddenly withdrawn or secretive, it may be a sign that they are having problems in their marriage.

#33

I’ve known two different couples that off and on fought a lot around me at certain points, which isn’t obviously a great sign.

The fighting stopped, but what I realized after a while that may be worse is that they didn’t interact *at all* unless absolutely necessary.

I’m mostly oblivious, so it took my wife pointing it out to notice that both of these couples never really talk to each other besides mandatory stuff like plans or the kids.

No casual conversations, no eye contact, no touching each other; literally no interaction that’s not necessary for the family to function.

I suppose it’s better than fighting in public, but it’s kind of weird once you notice it.

#34

She told me her husband said he would babysit their children so we could go out. Last time I checked taking care of your own kids was called parenting not babysitting!

#35

He games all day and the boys are always over. She sits in the bedroom and is on her phone all day.

Because they both so glued to the screens. I was the one that saw their daughter take her first steps (didn’t even realized it until my buddy saw his daughter standing next to him and went nuts).

But hey they have been together now almost for 10 years and still haven’t broken up, but at the same time I wouldn’t call that living.

#36

They talk about divorce hypothetically.

#37

When their identity is the “person who is mean to their spouse.”

I was at a party this weekend and there was a woman who just bad mouthed her husband and talked about how nice it was to be away from him and the kids for the night. That’s like her shtick…she talks about how her kids and husband are s****y. It’s such a gross personality, and it’s relatively common. It shouldn’t be common at all.

#38

They say their partner’s “just joking” with a nervous laughter when their partner clearly meant to insult them and didn’t care if it was in front of their friends.

#39

This has happened to many of my friends. First they start doing a lot of things on their own without their spouse, or conversely, they always have tons of other people around.

#40

He goes to strip clubs a LOT

#41

His wife runs the relationship, assigns him chores, and gives him permission to do things – like a parent.

#42

He has bruises that came from walking into doors.

#43

They always have plans but never with their partner.

#44

Talking s**t about their spouse, even if it’s in a joking way. Went to a bachelor party with a bunch of guys I didn’t know and they spent the entire time bitching about their wives and they all sounded miserable.

#45

When people talk about “moving somewhere new” so they can “start all over again”

That is usually a sign that they are having problems in their life they don’t want to work on and just want to run somewhere else like that’s going to fix everything.

#46

My friend never wants to go out as couples, always me alone so she can vent about all the things he does wrong. I want me husband to go hang with us because I enjoy being with him

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