We’ve all had moments in our lives where we just needed that perfect comeback to make everyone laugh or put someone in their place. Unfortunately, the best insults seem to come to us while we’re showering or right before going to bed. But what if we could have said the thing that was on the tip of our tongue, that would have saved our reputation at that moment?
Well, fret not, cause we’re here to help pad out your arsenal with the best insults from this viral Askreddit community thread!
For this article Bored Panda also got in touch with experienced copy-editor and professional language writer in Ireland, Stan Carey. You can visit their website here and also find more interesting, but explicit, articles about expletives on the Strong Language blog.
More info: Reddit
#1
Some guy on Reddit says he had fornicated with OPs mother. OP replies “Im happy to know that Im no longer her biggest disappointment”. I haven’t heard any insult that epic before or since.
Image credits: Ryno5150
#2
When I was in high school, one of my classmates gave our teacher a typical “your mom” response to a question without realizing the teacher’s mother had just died. Without missing a beat, the teacher said “leave my mother out of this. I don’t make fun of your parents, and look what they produced.”
Image credits: HopeDeferred
#3
Winston Churchill supposedly in response to being called drunk during a debate: “I may be drunk but tomorrow I shall be sober. You, however, madam, shall always be ugly”.
Image credits: studude765
If you are particularly interested in how a particular vulgar word and its alternatives evolved through the decades, you may find something fun in Jonathon Green’s historical slang timelines, as suggested by Stan. Although there is little context, it’s quite amusing to see that the synonym for “foolish” in the 1850s was “suck-egg”, whatever that may mean.
#4
A colleague of mine was told the following by a waitress when he had tried to hit on her.
“You have more d**k in your personality than you do in your pants”
Image credits: DanteBMerkley
#5
“You’re not the dumbest person I’ve ever met, but you better hope he doesn’t die.”
Image credits: Trick-Reveal-463
#6
16 year old me trying to convince my dad to take my friends and I to see American Pie: Dad: so what is it about? Me: a group of high school friends trying to lose their virginity. Dad: I can stay home and see that.
Image credits: Theromented1
“Blatherskite is a colorful insult with an old-fashioned flavor that’s fun to say,” says Stan Carey. Apparently, the “-skite” part alludes to sh*t, and most people don’t know that. As blather means empty and long-winded talk, you can probably guess what it means.
#7
Teacher of mine once said to a classmate who kept making the most asinine contributions to the conversation:
“You make it really difficult to underestimate you.”
The guy had no idea what it meant, he thought it was a compliment .
Image credits: robbycakes
#8
Bunch of quite pretentious people getting out of a limo at a club and pretending they’re more than they are to get in ahead of the line, bouncer quips “ Can always tell clowns, all arriving in the same car.”
Image credits: preferablyoutside
#9
I was at a pool in Vegas and wearing a straw cowboy hat with my shirt open. One friend said “damn, how can you not get laid with that outfit today”
Other friend said “don’t worry, he’ll show us.”
Image credits: randomvegasposts
Irish English has insults derived from Irish for every occasion. Sleeveen, referring to someone untrustworthy, and cute hoor are popular examples, especially used in political contexts. Sleeveen is especially popular in Irish politics, used to define politicians as smooth-tongued rogues.
#10
My favorite of all time was from roast me. Guy was wearing a checkered shirt and the line was:
“Thanks for wearing graph paper so we can calculate the exact waste of space”
Image credits: LNinefingers
#11
Was playing Pavlov(vr game) with a group of people, one of which was this very annoying kid who kept saying something like “You’re bad because you’re adopted” and such like that. He did that to one dude, and the guy replies something like “I’d return the insult, but that’d imply someone wanted you”
Had the whole lobby erupting. IDK if it’s taken from somewhere or what.
Image credits: ClaireBear13492
#12
You’ve got a face for radio, and a voice for writing.
Image credits: mike_e_mcgee
#13
I’d challenge you to a battle of wits but I see you are unarmed.
Image credits: therome_88
#14
I was at a hot girl bar with some of my coworkers a few years ago having drinks after work. All the girls were 10/10’s and our waitress had super blonde almost silver hair that looked really nice. One of my coworkers got a little too drunk and started hitting on her, which she handled well. She was probably used to it. He pulls her aside and loudly in front of all of us shouts at her “do you know what we call your hair color where I’m from? “F**k me blonde””. Without missing a beat she replies “do you know what we call your hair color where I’m from? “A*****e brown”” and walked away. We all died laughing and tipped her very well. He was cut off after that needless to say. I still think about this 6 years later ?
Image credits: Silver_Eyes13
Stan also shares an exchange by G.B. Shaw and Winston Churchill, the veracity of which is dubious at best.
“Shaw: I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend – if you have one.
Churchill: Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second – if there is one.”
#15
When I was 16, I accidentally cut a woman off and she screamed out her car window at me “Who did you f**k to get your license!?!?” I laughed so hard. It really stuck with me.
Image credits: notade50
#16
Best one I’ve heard recently was someone who commented on a shirtless picture of a guy and called him Tragic Mike.
Image credits: BoredBSEE
#17
You’d struggle to pour water out of a boot with the instructions printed on the heel.
You’ve got two brain cells, and they’re both fighting for third place.
Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you to breathe. You should go apologize to it.
At my funeral, I want my coworkers to be my pallbearers and lower my casket into my grave, so they can all let me down one last time.
And my personal favorite, from an episode of *Frasier* :
>Roger, at Cornell University, they have an incredible piece of scientific equipment known as the tunneling electron microscope. Now, this microscope is so powerful, that by firing electrons, you can actually see images of the atom, the infinitesimally minute building blocks of our universe. Roger, if I were using that microscope right now—I still wouldn’t be able to locate my interest in your problem. Thank you for your call.
Image credits: FlashpointJ24
#18
When your mom dropped you off at school this morning she got fined because they thought she was littering.
Image credits: NucularOrchid
#19
”I bet your parents change the subject when their friends ask about you.”
Image credits: scottcree486
Finally, Stan Carey further directs us to an anecdote from Luis Buñuel’s autobiography about how cursing helped him get across past border control during the Spanish Civil War. “In fact, blasphemy in Spain is truly an art; in Mexico, for instance, I never heard a proper curse, whereas in my native land, a good one lasts for at least three good-sized sentences. […] It was with a curse of this kind, uttered in all its seemly intensity, that I regaled the three anarchists from Port Bou. When I’d finished, they stamped my papers and I crossed the border.”
#20
Your mama is so slow, it took her 9 months to come up with a joke.
Image credits: BroNizzle
#21
“it’s because of people like you, that they still print instructions on shampoo bottles”.
Loved that.
Image credits: The_TravellerJ
#22
If you were a spice, you’d be flour.
Image credits: UncleSquach
#23
They’d need a recipe for making ice cubes
Image credits: thepiecesaremoving
#24
Context aside, someone once told me I look like I go to the park to punch birds.
Image credits: TheRoamingWeeb
#25
My husband was going out with his friends in their 20’s. One of them came downstairs wearing a sweater and chuck tailors with khakis and his roommate goes “what’s up, Ellen.”
Image credits: NoKarensPlz
#26
I hope you have the day you deserve.
Image credits: Adcro
#27
Best I ever heard was “you look like somebody set you on fire and put you out with a chain”.
Image credits: CommissionerOfLunacy
#28
“I envy the people who’ve *never* met you.”
Image credits: Back2Bach
#29
“You’re not pretty enough to be this dumb”
Image credits: Opr9r
#30
I always thought the Robert Downey^2 vs Val Kilmer was hilarious.
“Look in the dictionary under the definition of idiot, know what you’ll find?”
“Uh, a picture of me?”
“No, you’ll find the definition of idiot, which you *f*****g* are!”
Or also literally anything that comes out of peter capaldi’s mouth in “in the loop”
Image credits: ligmaass420
#31
“God just be making anybody.”
Image credits: TreeLovTequiLove
#32
You eat corn the long way.
Image credits: KingGuy420
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