Tired of the hogwash that inspirational quotes try to feed you? Sickened by motivational quotes’ mushy tone? Well then, you are absolutely not alone! For we, too, would rather twist an ankle than read another excerpt like that. Thus, we shall join our forces and our prowess for the unconventional and find the most comfortable middle ground in these Demotivational quotes of which we’ve gathered loads, and each of them is as good a mockery as any!
So, what should you expect from these demotivational quotes? Will they take your life force away from you with their contemptuous words? Or maybe they will rip all the joy out of your breath? Well, neither! What these non-quotes about life will do is make you laugh in that very ironic way where your face makes a sneer and embers of amusement start to dance in your eyes. By and large, though, these snarky quotes are actually inspiration masked in a ghillie suit of ornery words that should be read as irony. But you, of course, already know that and will read these silly quotes as a source of entertainment, rather than wishing to actually bring yourself down.
However, we should probably stop wasting our precious time with this gabble and skip straight to the real deal here – our wonderful, mesmerizing, and truly glorious selection of demotivational quotes. They are, as you might know very well by now, just an iota down below. Once you are there, do not forget to give these cool quotes your vote and share this article with your like-minded snarky friends.
#1
“Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is you’re stupid and make bad decisions.” – Marion G. Harmon
#2
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” – Alan Dundes
#3
“If life doesn’t break you today, don’t worry. It will try again tomorrow.”
#4
“Just because we accept you as you are doesn’t mean we’ve abandoned hope you’ll improve.”
#5
“Idiocy – never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
#6
“Every dead body on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person, so… maybe calm down.”
#7
“If you never try anything new, you’ll miss out on many of life’s great disappointments”
#8
“People who say they’ll give 110% don’t understand how percentages work.”
#9
“A thousand-mile journey starts with one step. Then again, so does falling in a ditch and breaking your neck.”
#10
“Today is the first day of the rest of your life. But so was yesterday, and look how that turned out.”
#11
“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” – Margaret Mead
#12
“Multitasking – the art of doing twice as much as you should half as well as you could.”
#13
“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.” – Albert Einstein
#14
“Life is pain. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.” – William Goldman
#15
“If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.” – W.C. Fields
#16
“I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.” – W.C. Fields
#17
“Just because you are unique doesn’t mean you are useful.”
#18
“It could be that your purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
#19
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” – Drew Carey
#20
“It’s only when you look at an ant through a magnifying glass on a sunny day that you realize how often they burst into flames.” – Harry Hill
#21
“The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.” – Bette Midler
#22
“Nothing says ‘you’re a loser’ more than owning a motivational poster about being a winner.”
#23
“Go ahead and take risks – it gives the rest of us something to laugh at.”
#24
“There’s always someone on Youtube that can do it better than you.”
#25
“Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don’t always like.” – Lemony Snicket
#26
“The story so far: In the beginning, the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.” – Douglas Adams
#27
“Every day is Friday when you’re unemployed.”
#28
“You’re naturally funny because your life is a joke.”
#29
“When life knocks you down, stay there and take a nap.”
#30
“The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin
#31
“Not everything is a lesson. Sometimes you just fail.” – Dwight Schrute
#32
“Your life can’t fall apart if you never had it together.”
#33
“Challenging yourself… is a good way to fail.” – Dom Mazzetti
#34
“If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.” – Dorothy Parker
#35
“The reward for good work is more work”. – Francesca Elisia
#36
“Raise your hand if you have had quite enough unsolicited advice about what should be done with any lemons that life may or may not give you.”
#37
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.”
#38
“There are no stupid questions, but there are a LOT of inquisitive idiots.”
#39
“Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.” – John Benfield
#40
“The meaning of life is to find your gift. So good luck with that.”
#41
“Life is what happens when you’re busy reading inspirational quotes.”
#42
“If you never believe in anything, you’ll never be disappointed.”
#43
“The secret of my success? I make a list of things not to do, and then I check them off as I don’t do them.”
#44
“The best things in life are actually really expensive.”
#45
“If at first, you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.”
#46
“Never give up. Never stop trying to exceed your limits. We need the entertainment.”
#47
“Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment.” – Cassern S. Goto
#48
“When you think you’re screwed, remember we’re all on a big, wet ball floating in the dark.”
#49
“Life is 10% what happens to you, and 90% how much money you have.”
#50
“It’s not just Monday. Your whole life sucks.”
#51
“Stubbornness – because somebody has to be right and it might as well be me.”
#52
“Get to work – you aren’t being paid to believe in the power of your dreams.”
#53
“We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.” – George Bernard Shaw
#54
“It’s true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?” – Ronald Reagan
#55
“I look at the world and see a rainbow of people who all suck in different ways.“
#56
“Trying is the first step toward failure.” – Homer Simpson
#57
“Life hack: you can’t do anything wrong if you don’t do anything at all.”
#58
“Life’s a bitch, and then you die.”
#59
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early” – Charles Lamb
#60
“If you changed everything about you, I’d love you just the way you are.”
#61
“Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.” – David Letterman
#62
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.” – Joe Girard
#63
“Every day is a new chance for you to screw up again.”
#64
“Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.”
#65
“Life better be a destination because this journey sucks.”
#66
“Meetings – none of us is as dumb as all of us.”
#67
“Getting fit is all about mind over matter. I don’t mind, so it doesn’t matter.”
#68
“If you give up on your dreams that may free up some time to get some actual stuff done.”
#69
“If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” – Steven Wright
#70
“You have to make the good out of the bad because that is all you have got to make it out of.” – Robert Penn Warren
#71
“If the world didn’t suck we’d all fly into space.”
#72
“Some people are born losers, others have to learn the hard way.”
#73
“When work feels overwhelming, remember that you’re going to die.”
#74
“You thank God daily, but have you ever once heard a ‘You’re welcome’?”
#75
“Everyone’s good at something, and you’re the best at not being good at anything.”
#76
“Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because if you don’t, everyone will ask you what’s wrong.”
#77
“Interns – the experience we’re giving you is invaluable. That’s why we’re not paying you anything.”
#78
“It’s all downhill from here.”
#79
“There’s no limit to what you can be if you lie to yourself.”
#80
“Pulling together – only works when you’re not jerking in opposite directions like idiots.”
#81
“Success is just failure that hasn’t happened yet.” – Latrell Sprewell
#82
“I’m sure the universe is full of intelligent life. It’s just been too intelligent to come here.” – Arthur C. Clarke
#83
“The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.” – Steven Wright
#84
“When the going gets tough, the tough gets tougher.”
#85
“Dare to soar – with enough hot air, even losers like you can fly.”
#86
“Dare to be different because there’s always room for another annoying non-conformist like you on the unemployment line.”
#87
“TEAMWORK: A few harmless flakes working together can unleash an avalanche of destruction.” – Justin Sewell
#88
“Life is hard, but it’s even harder if you’re stupid.”
#89
“Happiness is just sadness that hasn’t happened yet.”
#90
“There is plenty of fish in the sea, none of them want to date you either.”
#91
“He who laughs last didn’t get the joke.” – Charles de Gaulle
#92
“Today will be a day like every other day.”
#93
“Will it be easy? Nope. Worth it? Absolutely not!”
#94
“Those who doubt your ability probably have a valid reason.”
#95
“The only thing all of your failures have in common is you.”
#96
“To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.”
#97
“When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic.” – Jane Wagner
#98
“Life is mostly just learning how to lose.”
#99
“Quitters never win, and winners never quit talking about how they won.”
#100
“Try hard and don’t worry if you fail because everyone expected that.”
#101
“You miss 100% of the shots you do take also.”
#102
“Better discourage a man’s climbing than help him to break his neck.”
#103
“I do not want people to be very agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them a great deal.” – Jane Austen
#104
“Everything is bad and everyone is dumb.”
#105
“It is what it is. And it’s not good.”
#106
“Never regret anything because at one time it was exactly what you wanted.”
#107
“I’d encourage most people to be themselves. For you, that’s clearly the wrong strategy.”
#108
“Expectations – refuse to accept anything but the very best and you are never going to last around here.”
#109
“Go to heaven for the climate and hell for the company.” – Benjamin Franklin Wade
#110
“I’ve developed a new philosophy. I only dread one day at a time.” – Charlie Brown
#111
“You only die once.”
#112
“Don’t rest until you’ve complained about everything.”
#113
“I’m not lazy. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.”
#114
“Dream small – It’s your only hope for success, really.”
#115
“You’re only as cheap as your most recent inspirational quote.”
#116
“If at first, you don’t succeed. Give up and try something else.”
#117
“Please take your feelings and tuck them back inside your heart.”
#118
“Always believe that something wonderful will probably never happen.”
#119
“You are a child of the universe. Problem is, the universe is a deadbeat dad.”
#120
“Limitations – until you spread your wings, you’ll have no idea how far you can walk.”
#121
“I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your text. It’s just that I don’t care about your feelings.”
#122
“It’s never too late to fail.”
#123
“Work hard and you will (not) get what you deserve!”
#124
“Believe in yourself – because the rest of us think you’re an idiot.”
#125
“Dream is the only way for you to escape the miserable reality of your life.”
#126
“Flattery – if you want to get to the top, prepare to kiss a lot of the bottom.”
#127
“Ambition – the journey of a thousand miles sometimes ends very, very, very badly.”
#128
“Because there’s nothing standing between you and your goal but a total lack of talent and complete failure of will.”
#129
“I love mankind… it’s people I can’t stand!” – Charles M. Schulz
#130
“The capacity for friendship is God’s way of apologizing for our families.” – Jay McInerney
#131
“Carpe Nothing.”
#132
“The worst things in your life probably haven’t happened to you yet.”
#133
“I’ll get coffee with you but only because I love coffee.”
#134
“Nobody can stop me but only because I haven’t started yet.”
#135
“Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some wind up like you.”
#136
“Today I want you to be the best ‘you’ that you can possibly be, which isn’t asking for much.”
#137
“Your life only goes up so you can fall from a new height.”
#138
“Life is only logical, and to think it’s a gift is depressing.”
#139
“Whenever I feel the need to exercise I lie down until it goes away.”
#140
“Television – why talk to your kids when you can watch with your kids?”
#141
“Be the bridge – that way we can walk all over you on your way to better places.”
#142
“Whoever sang, ‘Ooh-ooh, child things are gonna get easier’ was laying to that child.”
#143
“Life is a series of things we would rather not to.” – Joe Abercrombie
#144
“Boldly going nowhere.”
#145
“They say money talks. But, all mine says is goodbye.”
#146
“Be afraid to depend on others when you need to!”
#147
“Just imagine how terrible it might have been if we’d been at all competent.” – Terry Pratchett
#148
“Started from the bottom and still at the bottom.”
#149
“You can have results or excuses. Excuses it is.”
#150
“There are several reasons why I am going to hell.”
#151
“Distinction – looking sharp is easy when you haven’t done any work.”
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